1066 and all that

Henry III was a confused kind of King and is only memorable for having seized all the money in the Mint, imprisoned himself in the Tower of London and, finally, flung himself into the Bosom of the Pope.

While he was in the Tower, Henry III wrote a letter to the nation saying that he was a Good Thing. This so confused the Londoners that they armed themselves with staves, jerkins, etc., and massacred the Jews in the City. Later, when he was in the Pope’s Bosom, Henry further confused the People by presenting all the Bonifaces of the Church to Italians. And the whole reign was rapidly becoming less and less memorable when one of the Barons called Simon de Montfort saved the situation by announcing that he had a memorable Idea.

SIMON DE MONTFORT’S GOOD IDEA

Simon de Montfort’s Idea was to make the Parliament more Representative by inviting one or two vergers, or vergesses, to come from every parish, thus causing the only Good Parliament in History.

THE BARONS

Simon de Montfort, though only a Frenchman, was thus a Good Thing, and is very notable as being the only good Baron in history. The other Barons were, of course, all wicked Barons. They had, however, many important duties under the Banorial system. These were:

1. To be armed to the teeth.

2. To extract from the Villein⁠[5] Saccage and Soccage, tollage and tallage, pillage and ullage, and, in extreme cases, all other banorial amenities such as umbrage and porrage. (These may be collectively defined as the banorial rites of carnage and wreckage.)

3. To hasten the King’s death, deposition, insanity, etc., and make quite sure that there were always at least three false claimants to the throne.

4. To resent the Attitude of the Church. (The Barons were secretly jealous of the Church, which they accused of encroaching on their rites—see p. 22, Age of Piety.)

5. To keep up the Middle Ages.

Note

In order to clear up the general confusion of the period it is customary to give at this point a genealogical table of the Kings (and even some Queens) of England. As these tables are themselves somewhat confusing, the one which follows has been to a certain extent rationalized, and will, the Editors hope, prove to be exceptionally memorable.

• Julius Cæsar = Cymbaline
• Balbus = Boadicea
• Edward the Confessor = the Lady of Shalott
• William I
• William II
• Williamandmary
• William IV
• Broody Mary
• Elizabeth
• Anne
• Victoria
• Edward I
• Edward II
• Edward III
• Edward IV
• Edward V
• Edward VI
• Edward VII
• Alfred (Arthur) = Lady Windermere (The Lady of the Lake)
• John of Gaunt = (1) Lady Godiva
• Henry I o.s.p.*
• Henry II
• Henry III
• Henry IV (Part I)
• Henry V
• Henry VI
• Henry VII
• Henry VIII
• James I
• James II
• Charles I
• Charles II
• George I
• George II
• George III
• George IV
• Richard I
• Richard II
• Richard III
• John of Gaunt = (2) Margaret of Angoulême
• John of Gaunt = (3) Joan of Arc
• John of Gaunt = (4) The Infanta
• John of Gaunt = (5) The Maria Theresa
• John of Gaunt = (6) Ann of Geierstein
• John of Gaunt = (7) etc.
• John of Gaunt = (8) etc. etc.

Carried forward: Ole King Cole
Stephen
John o.s.p.†
Henry IV (Part II)     E. & O. E.

TEST PAPER II

Up to the End of Henry III

*1. Give the dates of at least two of the following:

(1) William the Conqueror.
(2) 1066.

*2. What is a Plantagenet? Do you agree?

*3. Trace by means of graphs, etc.,

(1) The incidence of scurvy in the Chiltern Hundreds during the reign of Rufus.
(2) The Bosom of the Pope.
(Squared paper, compasses, etc., may be used.)

*4. Expostulate (chiefly) on

(a) The Curfew.
(b) Gray’s Energy in the Country Churchyard.

*5. Estimate the size of

(1) Little Arthur.
(2) Friar Puck.
(3) Magna Charta.

6. Fill in the names of at least some of the following:

(1) ——————.
(2) ——————.
(3) Simon de Montfort.

7. King John had no redeeming features. (Illustrate.)

8. Arrange in this order:

(1) Henry I.
(2) Henry II.
(3) Henry III.
(Do not attempt to answer more than once.)

*9. (a) How far did the Lords Repellent drive Henry III into the arms of Pedro the Cruel? (Protractors may not be used.)
(b) Matilda or Maud? (Write on one side of the paper only.)

*10. How would you dispose of:

(a) A Papal Bull?
(b) Your nephews?
(c) Your mother? (Be brutal.)

*11. Which would you rather be:

(1) The Sheriff of Nottingham?
(2) A Weak King?
(3) Put to the Sword?

*N.B.—Candidates over thirty need not attempt questions 10, 2, 5, 3, 4, 11, 8 or 1.