1066 and all that

During these Wars many very remarkable discoveries and inventions were made. Most memorable among these was the discovery (made by all the rich men in England at once) that women and children could work for 25 hours a day in factories without many of them dying or becoming excessively deformed. This was known as the Industrial Revelation and completely changed the faces of the North of England.

THE TRACTARIAN MOVEMENT

The Industrial Revelation would never have occurred but for the wave of great mechanical Inventors, e.g. Arkwright, who invented the Spinning Jenny, or unmarried textile working girl; subsequently, however, this kind of work was done by mules, the discovery of a man called Crompton. Other benefactors were Sir Isaak Watts who invented steam-kettles, Sir Robert Boyle who had them legalized,⁠[10] and finally Robert Louis Stevenson, who put wheels on to them, thereby inventing Railway trains, steam-rollers and other tractarian engines.

FACTORY ACTS

The new situation created by the Industrial Revelation was boldly met by the statesmen of the day with a wave of Acts, such as Tory Acts, Factory Acts, Satisfactory Acts and Unsatisfactory Acts. The most soothing of these enacted that children under 5 years of age who worked all day in factories should have meals (at night). This was a Good Thing, as it enabled them to work much faster.

ENCLOSURES

At the same time there was an Agricultural Revelation which was caused by the invention of turnips and the discovery that Trespassers would be Prosecuted. This was a Good Thing too, because previously the Land had all been rather common, and it was called the Enclosure movement and was the origin of Keeping off the Grass. The movement culminated in the vast Royal Enclosure at Ascot which nobody is allowed on except His Majesty the King (and friend).

THE COMBINATIONS LAW

All this gave rise to considerable discontent, but it was not until the memorable Combinations Law was passed that the people were roused to fury. This unjust law said that Combinations (or Union suits) were legal, or (in some cases) illegal, both for employers and employees, and resulted in the

BLANKESTER MASSACRE

Gradually the people had become so discontented with the Combinations Law that they had begun wearing Blankets, especially in the North of England; this was, of course, sedition, and resulted in a battle near Manchester, in which all the people in blankets were accidentally massacred.

The Government then very cleverly passed the famous Six Acts, all of which said that it was quite all right for people in blankets to be massacred. Since which the people in the North have ceased to be seditious, and even wear bowler hats for lunch, bathing, etc.

MUNROE DOCTRINE

Meanwhile in foreign affairs, Canning, the memorable foreign minister, started a new anti-English or Liberal policy by saying that he had “called the New World into existence to upset the Balance of the Old.” This was known as the Munroe Doctrine and proves that it is wrong for anyone to have wars in North or South America (except the United States Marines).