1066 and all that

Not very long after this the memorable Crimean War broke out against the Russians. This war was exceptionally inevitable and was caused by a number of causes.

CAUSES OF THE CRIMEAN WAR

(a) The English had not yet fought against the Russians.

(b) The Sick Man of Europe (cured later by Florence Nightingown).

(c) Russia was too big and was pointing in the direction of India.

(d) The Holy Places. The French thought that the Holy Places ought to be guarded (probably against the Americans) by Latin Monks, while the Turks, who owned the Places, thought that they ought to be guarded by Greek Monks. England therefore quite rightly declared war on Russia, who immediately occupied Roumania.

The war was consequently fought in the Crimea (near Persia) in the following romantic manner:

1. The Battle of Inkerman—so called because the soldiers on both sides fought in the dark as well as the Generals: the English were, naturally, victorious.

2. The Siege of Sir Pastobol (the memorable Russian General) who was quite besieged, and the English were very victorious.

3. The Battle of Balaclava, famous for the Charge of the Fire Brigade by Lord Tennyson and 599 other gallant men who, armed with Cardigans and Balaclava helmets, advanced for a league and a half (4½ miles), and back (9 miles), with the object of proving that someone had thundered the wrong order. (In which they were completely successful.)

4. Flora MacNightshade. The troops in the Crimea suffered terribly from their Cardigans and Balaclava helmets and from a new kind of overcoat invented by Lord Raglan, the Commander-in-Chief. They were also only allowed to wear boots on their left feet until the memorable intervention of Flora MacNightlight (the Lady with the Deadly Lampshade), who gave them boots for their right feet and other comforts, and cured them of their sufferings every night with doses of deadly lampshade.