1066 and all that

Owing to the inability of the Queen’s ministers to amuse the Crown, superhuman attempts were now made by her Majesty’s generals at home and abroad to provide military diversions. These took the form of a wave of Justifiable Wars, including:

1. War with China. Fought on moral grounds, because the Chinese government were disposed to impede the importation of Empire Opium into China. The British thus became indispensable to the Chinese and, after several bloody engagements, Hong Kong, the best port of China, was ceded to the British Throne.

2. War with Afghanistan. Owing to the size, direction, etc., of Russia, it was imperative that the King of Afghanistan, whose name was Just Mohammed, should sit on his throne in a friendly attitude. The King, however, (Just) declined to do this and the British Army was cut to pieces in the Pippa Passes to such an extent that Dr. Brydle rode half alive (or, according to some historians, half dead) into Jallallaballad. After this, however, several bloody battles were fought, and the Kings of Afghanistan were compelled to sit in a more friendly attitude.

3. Sheikh War. Cause: Death of Ranji Tsinji (a huge Sheikh). The Sheikhs were very tall men on the frontier of India who obscured the Imperial outlook. A bloody strife ensued. Sir Hew Golf annihilated the Sheikhs, subsequently compelling them to present the Queen with a huge pencil called the Koh-in-Oor. The Sheikhs were thus reduced in every way and were afterwards on our side and a Good Thing.

4. 2nd Burmese War. Cause: there had only been one Burmese war. Burmese cut to pieces. Burma ceded to the Crown. Peace with Burma.

5. War against Abyssinia. Object: to release the Europeans in Abyssinia, all of whom had been incarcerated by the King, Theodore, who was a Christian and would not see their point of view. The war was divided into two parts (1) Sir Robert Rapier demands release of prisoners. Prisoners released. (2) War declared against Abyssinia. King Theodore blown up with Magnesia, the capital of Abyssinia. Theodore commits suicide. Sir Robert becomes Lord Rapier of Magnesia. Peace with Abyssinia.

6. War against A Shantee. Coffee, King of a Shantee, worsted and burnt by Sir Garment Wolsee, who becomes Viscount Coffee. Peace with the Shantee.

7. War against Zulus. Cause: the Zulus. Zulus exterminated. Peace with Zulus.

All these attempts having failed, news was brought to the Queen that the Fiji Islands were annexed to the British “by the desire of the inhabitants.” At this point, according to some (seditious) historians, Her Majesty’s lip was observed to tremble.

SPHERES OF INTERFERENCE. EGYPT

It was during these wars that Spheres of Interference were discovered: these were necessary in all Countries inhabited by their own natives.

The first of the Spheres was Egypt which now became memorable for the first time since Potiphar, the well-known Egyptian Pharaoh.

Egypt was put under the Duel Control of England and France and was thus declared bankrupt; Alibaba, the Mowhgli, and other Pasha-Beziques were therefore immediately exterminated by Sir Garment Wolsey and subsequently by Kitchener of Kartoon at the terrible French battle of Homme de Man. This was because of Chinese Gordon (leader of the famous Gordon Riots⁠[11] in Pekin) and was called the Pagoda Incident and is remarkable as being the only (memorable) Incident in History.