1066 and all that

King Edward’s new policy of peace was very successful and culminated in the Great War to End War. This pacific and inevitable struggle was undertaken in the reign of His Good and memorable Majesty King George V and it was the cause of nowadays and the end of History.

CAUSES OF THE GREAT WAR

The Great War was between Germany and America and was thus fought in Belgium, one of the chief causes being the murder of the Austrian Duke of Sarajevo by a murderer in Servia.

There were many other Causes of the Great War, such as

1. German Governesses, a wave of whom penetrated Kensington in King Edward’s reign and openly said that Germany ought to be top nation, and

2. The Kaiser, who sent a telegram consisting entirely of ems to one of the memorable Boerwar leaders.⁠[12]

These are now agreed to have been causes of the War though at the time the newspapers (rather conceitedly) declared that it was caused by a strip of paper.

THE WAR

The War lasted three years or the duration, the Americans being 100% victorious. At the beginning the Russians rendered great assistance to the American cause by lending their memorable steam-roller and by passing silently through England one Sunday morning before breakfast with snow on their boots. The Americans were also assisted by the Australians (AZTECS) and some Canadians, and 51 Highlanders.

THE PEACE TO END PEACE

Though there were several battles in the War, none were so terrible or costly as the Peace which was signed afterwards in the ever-memorable Chamber of Horrors at Versailles, and which was caused by the only memorable American statesmen, President Wilson and Col. White House, who insisted on a lot of Points, including

1. that England should be allowed to pay for the War: this was a Good Thing because it strengthened British (and even American) credit;

2. that the world should be made safe for democracy, i.e. anyone except pillion-riders, pedestrians, foreigners, natives, capitalists, communists, Jews, riffs, R.A.F.S., gun-men, policemen, peasants, pheasants, Chinese, etc.;

3. that there should be a great many more countries: this was a Bad Thing as it was the cause of increased geography;

4. the Freedom of the Seas: this was a Good Thing as it did not apply to Britain or America (or Switzerland);

5. that the Kaiser should be hanged: this was a Good Thing as it was abandoned, together with Mr. Lloyd George, the Irish Question, etc.