CHAP. IX.
HAVING continued in the unpleasing Employment of King’s Messenger for two whole Years, and carry’d the Royal Mandates and Letters Patents to every Province of the Empire, I at last grew tir’d of so troublesome and so unworthy an Office. Accordingly I again and again petition’d his Serene Highness to grant me an honourable Dismission, and at the same Time sollicited a more reputable Employment. But I met with nothing but Repulses from his Highness, whose constant Reply was, that a more important Office was above my Strength and Capacity. He alledg’d also, that the Laws and Customs of the Country were Death to my Hopes, in that they admitted only fit and proper Persons to the most eminent and arduous Posts of Government; that therefore I must make a Virtue of Necessity, and rest myself contented, till I had done something to merit better Fortune. He concluded his Advice in Terms like those of the Poet,
These repeated Refusals were enough to throw me upon the most daring and desperate Designs. From that Day forward my Invention was upon the Rack to produce something, that should demonstrate the Excellence of my Genius, and wipe away my present Infamy. Accordingly, for a whole Year I study’d the Laws and Customs of the Country with an invincible Application, resolv’d to discover, whether there were in them any Defects that requir’d a Reformation. I open’d my Design to a certain Bush, with whom I had contracted a close Intimacy, and with whom I us’d to converse very freely upon all Subjects, whether grave or gay. He thought my Design not altogether absurd, but extremely question’d, whether it would be of any Service to the State. He added, that it should be the Care of a Reformer, to be a thorough Master of the Nature and Genius of the Country he intends to reform; because the same Thing might, in different Countries, produce different Effects, as the same Medicine may be good for some Bodies, and pernicious to others. He likewise inform’d me of the Danger I expos’d myself to in this Experiment, that no less than my Life depended on it, which must be a Forfeit to the State, should my Project have the Misfortune to be condemn’d by the Judges. He therefore ardently intreated me to bestow a little more Reflexion on this Affair; tho’ he did not plainly dissuade me from my Attempt, since he thought it not impossible, that a Sagacity, like mine, might at length discover something useful, as well to myself, as to the State. I took the Advice of my Friend, and for a Time laid aside my Scheme, and with a laudable Patience continued to discharge my Duty, by visiting the various Cities and Provinces of the Kingdom after the usual Manner. These repeated Expeditions furnish’d me with an Opportunity of making Enquiries into the State of the Kingdom, as well as that of the bordering Nations; and lest what I had observ’d in my Travels should escape my Memory, I penn’d it all down, and making a little Volume of it, humbly presented it to the Prince. How much his Serene Highness was taken with this Work appear’d afterward, by his doing me the Honour to commend my Labours in full Senate; and having again attentively perus’d my Book, he was pleas’d to make use of my Services in a farther Discovery of the whole Planet Nazar. I expected a different Recompence for my Labours, but was forc’d to say with the Poet,
——Virtus laudatur & alget.
But since I was fond of Novelty, and had Hopes that so bountiful a Prince would never leave me unrewarded after my Return, I set about the Work with a good Degree of Pleasure.
The whole Globe of the Planet Nazar, altho’ scarce six hundred Miles in Circumference, yet to the Inhabitants appears of an immense Extent, by Reason of the Slowness of their Motion. And hence to this Day a great many Countries, and particularly the more remote ones, are utterly unknown to the Natives. A Potuan would hardly be able to travel over this Globe on foot in two Years. But what embarrass’d me most, was the Fear I had that a Variety of Languages would put me to great Difficulties. But I was soon undeceiv’d, and reviv’d to hear, that the Inhabitants of the whole Planet, tho’ wonderfully different in their Manners, yet all spoke the same Tongue; and besides this, that the whole Race of Trees were in the main harmless, sociable, and beneficent Beings, so that I might, without the least Danger, make the Tour of the whole Globe. This redoubled my Ardour, and in the Month of Poplars I began my Journey.
What follows is so marvellous, that it looks more like a poetic Fiction, or the Chimæras of ungovern’d Fancy, than Reality and Truth; especially since those Varieties, both of Body Mind, which in this Journey I met with, are such as one would never expect to find between the most distant Nations. It must be observ’d, that many Kingdoms here are separated from each other by Seas and Straits, not unlike the Archipelago in Europe. These Straits are seldom cross’d; but for the Benefit of Travellers, there are certain Ferrymen that keep their Stations on the Banks in Readiness to transport the Passengers. It is very rare, that the Natives ever venture beyond the Limits of their own Country; and if compell’d, by Necessity, to make a Voyage, they soon return, as if impatient of a foreign Soil. Hence, as many Nations as there are, you see so many new Worlds in a Manner. The principal Cause of this vast Dissimilitude, is the different Nature of the Lands, as appears from the various Colours on the Surface, and from the surprizing Difference between the Plants, Herbs, and Fruits; it is the less Wonder, therefore, if with that Diversity of the Soil, and the Products of it, there should also be found a no less surprizing Variety of Inhabitants, and even opposite Natures and Tempers. In our World, indeed, even Nations the most remote, differ very little from each other in Genius, Manners, Learning, Shape and Colour. For since the Nature of the Earth is almost every where the same, except that one Part is more fruitful than another, and since the Nature of our Plants, Herbs, and Water, is nearly the same every where, hence nothing heterogeneous or uncommon is produc’d, as in this subterranean Planet, where every Tract of Land has its own peculiar Property. Strangers are allow’d to trade and travel, but not to settle out of their own Country; nor, indeed, could such a Liberty be well granted, considering the great Diversity and Opposition of Natures between each other. Hence all Foreigners that you meet with, are either Merchants or Travellers. The Countries which border upon the Potuan Dominions, are nearly of the same Nature with them. Their Inhabitants were formerly often at War with the Potuans; but at this Day they are either in Alliance with them, or having been subdued, they now rest contented in their Subjection to so mild a Power. But if you once cross the great Sea, which divides their whole Globe, new Scenes present themselves, together with new and strange Creatures unknown to the Potuans. One only Thing they have in common, and that is, that all the Creatures of this Globe are rational Trees, and all use the same Dialect. This makes Travelling very pleasant, especially as the Merchants and Foreigners, perpetually passing thro’ every Province, give People an Opportunity of seeing Creatures extreamly strange and unlike themselves. Thus much I thought proper to premise, lest tender Ears should be offended with the subsequent Narration, and the Author reproach’d with Want of Veracity.
It would be a tiresome and an unprofitable Task, to recount every Thing singly, and in exact historical Order, that I met with in my Travels. Let it suffice, that I give an Account of those particular People only, whose Character, Description, and Manners have something so unusual and marvellous in them, that upon their Account this Planet of Nazar may be reckon’d one of the principal Prodigies of the Universe. I must here call to Mind an Observation I have before made, that this whole Race and Country of rational Trees differ very little in Sense and Judgment from the Potuans; but in their Rites and Customs, in their Make and Temper, there is so much Diversity, that every Province you would swear to be a new World.
In the Province of Quamso, which is the first beyond the Sea, the Inhabitants are subject to no Infirmities or Diseases of Body, but each enjoys a perfect Health from Youth to latest Age. I could not help thinking them the most happy of Mortals. But upon a slight Acquaintance with them, I found myself infinitely mistaken. For as, upon one Hand, I saw nobody sad or sorrowful; so upon the other, I saw nobody pleas’d and joyful. For as we never highly relish the Serenity of the Heavens, and the Weather, unless we have been sensible of the Hardships of a different Temperature of the Air; so these Trees taste no Felicity, because it is perpetual and uninterrupted, and never know the Pleasure of Health, for want of knowing the Misery of Diseases. Their Life is one eternal Indolence. Their Enjoyments are never exquisite, and those alone can taste the Sweets of Life, who have their Pleasures season’d with a little Pain. I protest, that I never found, in any Country upon the Face of the Earth, such lifeless Creatures, or such cold and insipid Conversations. The People are harmless, but deserve neither your Love or Hatred. You fear no Affront, and you expect no Favour. In a Word, here is nothing either to please or displease. Besides, as that continual Health never brings the Image of Death before their Eyes, nor ever moves their Concern towards the Afflicted and Diseased, so they pass their Days in dull Security, and never know the generous Warmths of Pity and Compassion; nor do the least Footsteps of Love, or any such tender Affection appear there. In Truth, Diseases remind us of our Mortality, excite us to die well, and keep the Soul as it were equipt for its Journey to that World from whence none return; and as they afflict us with Pain, so they inspire a Sympathy towards others when afflicted. This leads one easily to discern how much Diseases, and the Danger of dying, contribute to Charity, Love, and all the social Affections, and that those People unjustly complain of their Creator for appointing these Afflictions, which are so full of real Advantage. It must be observ’d, that these Trees, as often as they remove into other Places, are expos’d to the same Evils and Casualties of Life that others are. This is a Proof to me, that they are indebted to the Climate for this peculiar Advantage, if indeed it can be call’d an Advantage.
The Province of Lalac, surnam’d Mascatta, or the Blest, seems to correspond with its Name; for there the Earth produces all Things spontaneously.
But this extraordinary Circumstance does not render the Natives one Jot happier. For as there is no Need of Labour to procure their daily Sustenance, they spend their Days in Softness, Sloth, and Luxury, and so lay the Foundation of innumerable Diseases, and untimely Deaths. The Nature of this Country affords ample Matter for our serious Reflexion; in particular it appears, from the Condition of the People, that Husbandmen, Servants and Labourers, are far happier than those, who, free from the Fatigue of providing for themselves, are devoted to Idleness and Pleasure.
Hence follows a Train of vicious Actions, desperate Resolutions, and violent Deaths, which are here observ’d to be very common. For the perpetual Affluence in which they live, in Length of Time quite wears away all Taste and Sense of Pleasure, and almost infallibly introduces a downright Loathing of Life. Thus this Region, which appear’d at first like the Abodes of the Blest, was in Reality the Seat of Sorrow, and more an Object of my Compassion than my Envy.
Hoc celerare fugam, terrâque excedere jussit.
The next Province is that of Mardak; they are Cypresses, all of the same Form and Height, and differ only from each other by the different Make of their Eyes. Some have long Eyes, some square Eyes; some have small ones, others have Eyes so large as to take up the whole Space of the Forehead. Some are born with two, others with three, and some with four Eyes. There are also those who have only one Eye; and these might be reputed the Offspring of Polyphemus, but that their one Eye is seated in the hinder Part of the Head. And hence, according to the different Shape of their Eyes, they are divided into so many Tribes, the Names of which are as follows:
1. Nagiri, or those who have long Eyes, and to whom consequently every Object appears long.
2. Naquiri, those who have square Eyes.
3. Talampi, the small Eyes.
4. Faraku, those who have two Eyes, one of which is more oblique than the other.
5. Mehanki, three Eyes.
6. Tarrasuki, four Eyes.
7. Harramba, those whose Eyes occupy the Space of the whole Forehead.
8. Skadolki, those who have only one Eye in the hinder Part of the Head.
The most numerous, and of course the most powerful Tribe, is that of the Nagiri, or those who have long Eyes, and to whom consequently all Objects appear long. From this Tribe are taken the Senators, the Priests, and all such as bear Office in the State. These sit at the Helm, nor do they admit any one from another Tribe to a Post in the Government, unless he shall first confess, and confirm his Confession with an Oath, that a certain Tablet, dedicated to the Sun, and plac’d in the most conspicuous Part of the Temple, appears to him to be long. This sacred Tablet of the Sun is the principal Object of the Mardakanian Worship. Hence the honester Part of the Citizens, who start at Perjury, are excluded from all publick Honours, and what is worse, are expos’d to a thousand Sneers, Railleries, and even Persecutions; and tho’ they over and over protest, that they cannot disbelieve their Eyes, they are still complain’d of, and what is only a Fault of Nature, is imputed to their Obstinacy and Malice.
The Form of the Oath, which all, who are admitted to publick Employments and Honours, are forc’d to subscribe to, is this,
Kaka manasca quihompu miriac Facku mesimbrii Caphani Crukkia Manascar quebriac Krusundora.
That is, I A. B. do swear, that the sacred Tablet of the Sun appears to me to be long, and I promise that I will persist in this Opinion to my last Breath.
After this Oath, they are declar’d fit for the Service of the State, and are incorporated into the Tribe of the Nagiri.
The Day after my Arrival, as I was sauntring in the Market-Place, I beheld an old Man, whom they were hurrying away to be scourg’d. A large Croud of Cypresses follow’d him, with Scoffs and Revilings. Upon my inquiring the Cause, I was inform’d, that he was a Heretick, who openly taught, that the Tablet of the Sun seem’d to him to be square; and in that diabolical Opinion he had obstinately persisted, after repeated Admonitions.
This rous’d my Curiosity to go to the Temple, and try whether I had orthodox Eyes or no. I examin’d the aforesaid Tablet with all the Eyes I had, and really it appear’d square to me. This I ingenuously told my Host, who at that Time had the Post of Ædile. With that he fetch’d a deep Sigh, and confess’d to me, that it appear’d square to him too, but that he dare not say so publickly, for fear of being dispossess’d of his Employment by the governing Tribe.
All pale and trembling I left this execrable City, fearing lest my Back must expiate the Crime of my Eyes, or lest branded with the Title of Heretick, I should be sent with Ignominy out of their Dominions. In Truth, no Institution ever appear’d more horrid, barbarous, and unjust, than this, where Hypocrisies and Perjuries alone are the Avenues to Preferment. And when I return’d to the Potuans, I took every Opportunity to express my Indignation against that detestable Race of People. But while I was in one of my angry Moods, and venting my Spleen according to Custom, a certain Juniper Tree, with whom I had liv’d in a good Degree of Intimacy, made me this Answer: “It is true, says he, that the Conduct of the Nagiri will always appear absurd and iniquitous to the Potuans; but to you it should not seem at all strange, that this Diversity of Eyes should cause such Cruelties, because you have formerly assur’d me, that in most of the European Dominions there are governing Tribes, which fall upon the rest with Fire and Sword, upon Account of some Defect, not of their Eyes indeed, but of their Reason; and you yourself extoll’d such a Proceeding as a pious Act, and of Advantage to the Government.” I presently understood the Drift of this Observation, and blusht for Shame. I left him soon, and was ever after a stanch Advocate for Toleration, and entertain’d milder Sentiments of People under Error.
Kimal, the next Principality, is accounted the most potent, by reason of its immense Wealth. For besides the Silver Mines, which are there in great Abundance, vast Quantities of Gold are gather’d from among the Sands of their Rivers. Their Seas too afford the most costly Pearls. And yet upon a due Examination of this Country, I could discover, that Happiness did not consist in Wealth alone. For as many Inhabitants, so many Divers and Diggers there were, who, bent upon Gain, seem’d condemn’d to perpetual Slavery, and such a Slavery as one would think was fit only for Criminals. Those who are rich enough to be exempted from these Toils, are oblig’d to keep constant Watch. The whole Country is so infested with Thieves and Robbers, that it is not safe to go without a Guard.
Hence this Nation, beheld with envious Eyes by their Neighbours, drew Pity from me more than Envy. Fear, Jealousy, Suspicion, and Distrust, reign in every Mind, and each looks upon his Neighbour as a designing Enemy. So that endless Solicitude, wasting Cares, and pallid Complexions, are the Fruits of the boasted Felicity of this Province. It was not without Anxiety I travell’d over this Region; for in every Road, and upon every Frontier, I was oblig’d to give an Account of my Business, Name, and Country, to the Guards and Examiners, and I found myself expos’d to all those Vexations which Travellers experience in Countries that are jealous of Strangers. There is a Volcano, or burning Mountain, in this Province, from whence ascend perpetual Whirlwinds of Fire.
After having run over this Principality, and that with more Trouble than I experienc’d throughout my whole Journey, I pursued my Course full East. I every where found the Inhabitants sociable and well-behav’d, but extremely paradoxical. The Natives of the little Kingdom of Quamboia surpriz’d me most. There the Order of Nature is inverted. The more the Natives advance in Years, the more wanton and voluptuous they grow; and Age produces such fantastic Vices, and such lascivious Freaks, as Youth alone, in every other Place, is guilty of. Here none are intrusted with the Cares of State, unless they are under forty Years of Age. When they exceed this Term, they are too giddy for Business, like Children,
Quos dura premit custodia matrum.
I saw here the Aged frisking and gamboling in the Streets like Boys, and spending their Time in puerile Diversions. They did, as the Poet says,
While on the other Hand the Youths took the Liberty to reprove them, and sometimes drive them home before them with a Whip. I saw an old decrepit Male Tree whipping a Top in the Market-Place, and was inform’d he was some Years ago a Person of very great Consequence, no less than President of the Grand Council. This inverted Order obtain’d also in the weaker Sex. Hence, when a certain Youth was to be marry’d to an old Lady, all were of Opinion he must undergo the Fate of Actæon; which is diametrically opposite to what happens among us, where if an old Man has a Mind for a young Bride, he has ample Reason to fear an Injury of that Sort. Once I remember I met two old Bald-Heads engag’d in a Duel. Amaz’d to find such Vigour at such an Age, I enquir’d the Cause of this Duel, and was told, that the Quarrel arose about a Mistress they had met with at one of their Haunts, and who had equally pleas’d them both. They who told me this, added, that if the Governors of these two old Sinners were to know of their Difference, their Backs would be sure to smart for it. The same Evening a Report flew about, that a certain venerable Matron had hang’d herself for Despair, because she had met with a Repulse from a young Beech she was enamour’d of.
This inverted Order of Nature demands of course an Inversion of the Laws. Hence, in that Chapter of the Law which treats of Guardianship, it is enacted, That the Administration of Goods shall not be granted to any one, unless he be under forty Years of Age. Moreover, Contracts are deem’d ineffectual, if enter’d into by Persons above Forty, unless such Contracts are sign’d by their Tutors or Children. In the Chapter concerning Subordination, there is this Injunction, Let the Aged of both Sexes be obedient to their Children. Every Person in Office is always dismiss’d before he arrives to the Age of Forty.
I did not think it convenient to continue longer in this Place, where if I had happen’d to have stay’d but ten Years, I must have been oblig’d by Law to become a Child again.
In the Province of Cocklecu there is a very perverse Custom, and such as would be highly condemn’d among us. The Order of Things is indeed inverted, but the Fault is not owing to Nature, but solely to the Laws. The Natives are all Junipers of both Sexes: But the Males alone perform the Drudgery of the Kitchen, and every such ignoble Labour. In Time of War indeed, they serve their Country, but rarely rise above the Rank of common Soldiers. Some few get to be Ensigns, which is the very highest military Honour the Males ever arrive to. The Females, on the other Hand, are in Possession of all Honours and Employments sacred, civil, or military. I had lately derided the Potuans for observing no Difference of Sex in the Distribution of publick Offices: But that was nothing to the Phrenzy of this People. I could not conceive the Meaning of so much Indolence in the Males, who, tho’ of far superior Strength of Body, could yet so tamely submit to such a Yoke, and for Ages together digest such an Ignominy. For it would have been very easy, at any Time, to have freed themselves from so shameful a Tyranny. But long and ancient Custom had so blinded them, that none ever thought of attempting to remove such a Disgrace, but quietly believ’d it was Nature’s Appointment, that the Government should be lodg’d in Female Hands, and that it was the Business of the other Sex to spin, to weave, to clean the House, and upon Occasion take a Beating from their Wives. The Arguments, by which the Ladies justify’d this Custom, were these: That as Nature had furnish’d the Males with greater Strength of Body, her Intention in that could only be to destine them to the more laborious and servile Duties of Life. Strangers are amaz’d, when going into a House they see the Mistress of the Family in the Compting-House, with a Pen in her Hand, and her Books before her, and at the same Time find her Husband in the Kitchen scouring the Dishes. And, indeed, whatever House I went to, if I enquir’d for the Master of the Family, I was still conducted into the Kitchin.
Horrible were the Effects of this unnatural Custom. For as in other Countries there are abandon’d Women, who prostitute themselves for Hire, so here the young Men sell their Favours, and to that End hire some House of Pleasure, which shall be easily known, either by a Writing over it, or some other infallible Sign. And when the Men drive this wicked Trade with too great Effrontery, and in too barefac’d a Manner, they are had to Prison, and whipt like our Street-Walkers. On the other Hand, the Matrons and Virgins here, without the least Reproach, can prowl up and down, gaze at the young Fellows, nod, whistle, tip the Wink, pluck them by the Sleeve, importune them, write Love-Verses upon their Doors, boast of their Conquests, and reckon up their Gallantries with as much Satisfaction as the fine Gentlemen of our World entertain you with their Amours. Moreover, it is no Crime for the Ladies here to make amorous Poems, and send Presents to the Youths; who, on the contrary, counterfeit Coyness and Modesty, as knowing it indecent to surrender to a Lady upon the first Summons. There was at the Time I was there, a mighty Disturbance about a noble Youth, the Son of a Senator, who had been ravish’d by a young Woman. I heard, that it was whisper’d among the Friends of the injur’d Youth, that a Suit would be commenc’d against the Ravisher, and that at the next Consistory Court she would be sentenc’d to repair the Dishonour by Marriage, since it could be indubitably prov’d, that he was a Person of an innocent Life and Conversation. During my Stay here, I had not the Courage openly to condemn this deprav’d Custom: But upon my leaving the City, I told several, that these Junipers acted in downright Contradiction to Nature, since from the universal Voice and Consent of Nations it was evident, that the Males alone were form’d for all the arduous and important Affairs of Life. To this they reply’d, that I confounded Custom with Nature, since the Weakness we impute to the Female Sex is deriv’d solely from Education. This is clear, from the Form of Government establish’d at Cocklecu, where in that Sex you find all the Virtues, and large Endowments of Mind, which the masculine Sex, in other Places, arrogate to themselves. For the Cocklecuanian Women are grave, prudent, constant, and secret. The Men, on the contrary, are light, empty, frothy Creatures. Hence, when any Thing absurd is related, the common Saying is, That’s a manly Trifle. Again, when any Thing is done rashly and unthinkingly, the Proverb is, We must make Allowances for manly Weakness. Notwithstanding this, I could not acquiesce in these Arguments, being thoroughly convinc’d of the Impropriety and Deformity of this Custom. The Indignation I conceiv’d against so much Female Pride and Insolence, gave Birth to an unfortunate Design, which I put in Execution soon after my Travels, as in its proper Place shall be related.
Among the sumptuous Edifices of this City, the most admirable was the Royal Seraglio, the Residence of three hundred Youths of exquisite Beauty. They were all maintain’d at the Expence of the Queen, and kept for her private Pleasures. As I happen’d to hear, that my Person was much commended, I was afraid of being clapp’d up in the Seraglio, and hurry’d away with all imaginable Haste.
——Pedibus metus addidit alas.
From this Place I proceeded to the Philosophical Region, so styl’d from the Inhabitants, who are continually bury’d in the profound Speculations of Philosophy. I was all on Fire to see this Country, which I fancy’d must be the Center of Sciences, and the true Seat of the Muses. Instead of vulgar Fields and Meadows, I expected to find one continued lovely Garden; and in this Imagination I hasten’d my Pace, and counted the Hours and Minutes as they flew. However, the Ways thro’ which I pass’d were very stony, with every now and then a Ditch or Cavern, insomuch that sometimes I was forc’d to go thro’ a Length of craggy Way, and sometimes thro’ miry Bogs, where for want of Bridges, I was oblig’d to wade thro’, and drag my weary Limbs after me, quite dirty’d to the Waist: Yet I fortify’d myself against these Accidents, with all the consoling Arguments I could think of. While for a full Hour I had been labouring under these Difficulties, I met a Peasant, of whom I inquir’d how far I had to Mascattia, or the Philosophical Province. He reply’d, I ought rather to ask him, how much there was left of the Journey, since I was in the very Heart of the Place. Amaz’d at this Answer, How is it possible, said I, that a Land inhabited only by Philosophers should appear rather like the Haunts of savage Beasts, than like a cultivated Country? He return’d, That in a little Time Things would have a better Face, as soon as ever the Natives could get Time to think upon such Trifles. At this present, says he, we are all solely intent upon an extraordinary Discovery, no less than that of a Passage to the Sun; that therefore it was very excusable to leave the Soil to itself, it being impossible to do two Things at once. I presently understood the Drift of this cunning Countryman’s Discourse; and pursuing my Journey, I at last arriv’d at the Metropolitan City Caska. In and about the Gates, instead of Guards and Centinels, I saw only a few tame Fowl, and upon the Walls Heaps of Birds-Nests and Cobwebs. Philosophers and Swine indifferently walk’d the Streets, nor was the one distinguish’d from the other but by Shape, being otherwise perfectly alike in Dirt and Nastiness. The Philosophers had all Cloaks of the same Form, but what the Colour was, I could not discern for the Dust upon them. There was one quite bury’d in Thought coming directly towards me; and meeting him, Pray, Sir, says I, what may be the Name of this City? At this he paus’d, and for a Time continued as immoveable as if he had no Life in him; at last, says he, turning his Eyes upwards, ’Tis almost Noon. An Answer so foreign to the Purpose, was a Demonstration of great Absence of Mind, and convinc’d me, that it was better to study sparingly, than to run mad with too much Learning. I proceeded directly to the Center of the City, to see, if beside Philosophers, I could have the good Luck to meet with a reasonable Creature. The Forum of the City, which was very spacious, was adorn’d with Statues and Columns. I was endeavouring to read the Inscription upon one of them, and being thus employ’d, suddenly I felt my Back grow warm and moist. Turning my Head, to see from whence this warm Shower proceeded, I saw a Philosopher making Water against me. For being bury’d in profound Thought, he had taken me for one of the Statues there, that are us’d for Necessities of this Kind. Stung to the Soul with such an Affront, especially as the Philosopher, instead of apologizing for the Mistake, only laugh’d in my Face, I gave him a smart Box on the Ear. Enrag’d at this, he fell upon me, seiz’d me by the Hair, and dragg’d me round the Forum. But when I found there was no Prospect of appeasing his Wrath, I endeavour’d to make Reprisals upon him with all my Might and Vigour; and I believe, with Regard to our Blows, the Receipts and Disbursements might be pretty equal on both Sides. At length, after a long Contest, we both fell upon the Ground. At this Spectacle, a Croud of Philosophers flock’d from all Parts, and with inexpressible Fury fell upon me with their Fists and Sticks, and then once more dragg’d me by the Hair all round the Market; insomuch that I was just upon the Point of giving up the Ghost. At last, rather tir’d than satiated, they left off beating me, and brought me to a spacious House, where when I struggled against the Door with both my Feet, and vow’d I would not enter, Messieurs the Philosophers threw a Rope round my Neck, and tugging me in, like an Ox at a Slaughter-House, they fell’d me flat upon the Floor. The House, and all Things in it, were in the utmost Confusion, and not unlike the Disorder People are in at Lady-Day or Michaelmas, when they are moving House. I then humbly intreated these wise Men to put an End to their Resentment, and suffer themselves to be mov’d to Pity and Compassion, representing to them how little for the Honour of Philosophy it was to abandon themselves to a blind Rage, and give a Loose to those very Passions they are the forwardest to declaim against. But I preach’d to the Winds. For that very Philosopher, who had so plentifully water’d my Back, forthwith renew’d the Fight, and redoubled his Blows upon me, like a Smith upon an Anvil, as if nothing but my Death could stop his Fury. This plainly taught me, that no Anger equals a philosophical Anger; and that they who can talk so well upon the Beauty of Virtue, care to practise it as little as any.
At length there came in four Philosophers, the Form of whose Robes spoke them of a singular Order. They presently appeas’d the Uproar, and seem’d to commiserate my Fate; and after they had conferr’d apart, they remov’d me to another House. Glad was I, that I had escap’d these Barbarians, and at last fallen into honest Hands. They enquir’d the Cause of all this Tumult, and I told them every Tittle. They smil’d at so pleasant an Accident, telling me, that it was a common Thing for the Philosophers to make Water against the Statues, and that probably my Antagonist, wholly absorb’d in Meditation, had mistook me for a Statue. They inform’d me likewise, that that Person was an Astronomer of great Eminence, and that my other Persecutors were Professors of Moral Philosophy. I could now hear all this with Pleasure, believing myself intirely out of Danger. Yet one Thing alarm’d me mightily, and that was the great Attention with which they survey’d my Form. Besides, their reiterated Questions concerning my Manner of Life, my Country, and the Cause of my Journey, together with the Whispers that ensued, gave me a violent Jealousy. But, good God! what Horror invaded my Soul, when they conducted me into an AnatomyChamber, where there was a frightful Heap of Bones and Carcases upon the Floor, that gave a Stench enough to poison me. I thought I was fallen into a Den of Thieves and Murderers; but the anatomical Instruments which hung upon the Walls took away that Fear, and convinc’d me, that my Host must be a Physician, or a Surgeon. Half an Hour was I left alone in this Place, when a Matron enters with my Dinner. She seem’d very humane, and eying me attentively, she would every now and then fetch a deep Sigh. Upon my enquiring the Cause of her Grief, she reply’d, that my impending Fate drew those Sighs from her; That I was indeed fallen into very honest Hands, for my Husband, continues she, is Lord of this Island, being publick Physician of the City, and Professor of Medicine; and the others you saw are his Collegues: But astonish’d at the extraordinary Make of your Body, they have determin’d to examine the inward Machinery of it, and to make a Dissection of you, in order to add some new Light to Anatomy. This Account threw me into a most violent Palpitation, and setting up a horrible Cry, Oh! how! Madam, said I, can you call them honest Men, who make no Scruple to rip up the Bowels of an innocent Person? To which she answered, I say again you are fallen into the Hands of honest Men, who will do nothing with a bad Design, and have resolv’d upon this Operation for the sole Illustration of the Science of Anatomy. Alas! said I, I had rather fall into the Hands of Thieves and Murderers, from whom I might possibly make my Escape, than be dissected by such very honest Gentlemen; and immediately throwing myself at her Feet, shedding at the same Time a Flood of Tears, I implor’d her to intercede for my Life. She told me, her Intercession would avail very little against the Resolution of the Faculty, which was irrevocable; but however, that she would deliver me from Death by some other Means. With these Words, she took me by the Hand, and leading me thro’ a back Door, brought me as far as to the Gate of the City. Being now ready to take my Leave of my Preserver, I endeavour’d to express my Gratitude in the best Language I was Master of; but she presently interrupted me, and telling me she would not leave me till she saw me out of all Danger, she continued to accompany me. As we walk’d together, we enter’d into various Conversations concerning the State of the Country, and I heard her with the utmost Avidity. But at length she made a Digression to a Circumstance not very agreeable to my Ears, and I conjectur’d, that for her Services, she requir’d some Things of me which were morally impossible. For she told me with the greatest Concern, that in this Country the Fate of marry’d Ladies was extremely hard, for that their philosophick Husbands, immers’d in Learning, neglected conjugal Duties. For my Part, I protest, says she, with an Oath, we should all be very wretched, if now and then a good-natur’d, compassionate Stranger did not administer Comfort to us in our Misfortunes, and occasionally apply a Remedy to them. I pretended not to understand this Harangue, and mended my Pace. But this Coldness serv’d only to enflame her. Whereupon,
she reproach’d me with Ingratitude. I nevertheless continued my Pace, till at last she laid Hands upon my Cloaths, and endeavour’d to stop me. With that I forcibly started from her, and having vastly the Advantage of her in Swiftness, I quickly got out of her Sight. One may judge of the Extremity of the Rage she was in, by the Words I could hear her pronounce, namely, Kaki spalaki, that is, ungrateful Dog. I digested this Affront with a Spartan Nobleness of Mind, and was glad at my Heart, that I could any Way escape from this Land of Philosophers, the bare Remembrance of which fills me with Horror.
The next Province I arriv’d at, was that of Nakir; the Capital of which is a fine, large City of the same Name. I cannot say much of this Place, because I pass’d with the utmost Haste thro’ the Countries adjoining to that I lately left, and long’d to be among People less philosophically, and especially less anatomically given. For such a Terror had seiz’d me, that I could not help asking every one I met, whether he were a Philosopher; and even in my Dreams, the Carcases and Instruments of Dissection still swam before me. The Natives of Nakir were very courteous; for every one I met offer’d me his Service unask’d, with long Attestations of his Honour and Honesty. I thought this very ridiculous, since I suspected none of them, nor call’d their Integrity in Question. I express’d my Wonder at these Compliments, and observ’d, that I could not conceive to what Purpose they were made; at which they only renew’d their Protestations of Service with a thousand Oaths. Leaving this Place, I overtook a Traveller bending beneath the Weight of his Burden. Seeing me, he stopt, and enquir’d whence I came. When I told him I had pass’d thro’ the Province of Nakir, he congratulated me upon my Escape, assuring me, that the Inhabitants were a People famous for their Skill in Tricking, and hardly a Traveller pass’d, but was their Prey. I answer’d, If their Actions at all corresponded with their Words, they must be People of the greatest Honour, of which every one boasted extremely, and assur’d me of it with a Multitude of Execrations. The Stranger smiling at these Words, Take Care, says he, of those who trumpet their own Virtues, and especially of those who readily send themselves to the Devil to convince you. That Piece of Advice I bury’d deep in my Mind, and I have since experienc’d that my Adviser had Reason.
I now arriv’d at a Lake, the Waters of which were of a yellowish Colour. On the Bank there was a Vessel of three Ranks of Oars, in which Passengers, for a small Consideration, were ferry’d over into the Land of Reason. Having agreed for my Passage, I went aboard, and with the highest Pleasure imaginable began my Voyage, inasmuch as I presently observ’d, that these subterranean Vessels are impell’d by secret Springs and Machines, which cleave the Waters with an astonishing Rapidity, and all without the Agency of Rowers. Being landed on the other Side of the Lake, I hir’d one of the Guides, which ply in the several Ports, and under his Conduct I travell’d on. In the mean Time my Guide told me every Thing that related to the Government of the City, and the Manners of the People. I understood from him, that they were all Logicians to a Man, and that this City was the true Seat of Reason, from whence it had its Name. And upon my Arrival, I found all he had told me was true. Every Citizen from his great Penetration, and the Composedness of his Manners, had the Appearance of a Judge. I could not forbear lifting my Hands to Heaven, and crying out, Oh! infinitely happy Country, where every Member is a Cato. But when I had more accurately examin’d the Condition of the City, I observ’d that Business went but dully on, and that the Republick in a Manner languish’d for want of Fools. For as their good Sense weighs every Thing in the justest Balance, and as not a Soul can be cajol’d by specious Promises and studied Words, it follows, that all those prudent Means and Methods, by which the Minds of Subjects are excited to the best and noblest Actions, and that too at the cheapest and easiest Rate, must here lose all their Efficacy. In short, the bad Effects of such an exact Knowledge of Things were explain’d to me, and pathetically lamented by the Super-Intendant of the Treasury. “One Tree, says he, is here distinguish’d from another by nothing else but his Name, and the Make of his Body. No Emulation among the Subjects, since Marks of Distinction are thought not worth acquiring, and nobody is wise, because every body is so. Folly, I confess, is a Defect, but to have it wholly banish’d, may not be so desirable. Let every State, indeed, have a competent Number of wise Men for the publick Employments. Some must govern, and some must submit to be govern’d. What other States effect by the most trifling Inducements, our Magistrates can procure only by solid Rewards, which often drain the Treasury. Wise Men require the Kernel if they serve their Country, but Fools are put off with the Shell. Thus, for Instance, the Distribution of Honours and Titles, with which Fools are taken as with a Hook, and spirited up to the most hazardous Enterprizes, can be of little Force among a People, who know that solid Fame and Honour is to be acquir’d only by inward Worth and Virtue. A People of this Stamp are not to be deceiv’d with specious Sounds. Your Soldiers, I think I have heard you say, are animated to undergo the utmost Severities, from the Hope of an immortal Name in History. This is what our People cannot conceive. They think, that this Mode of Seech, for Instance, Dying in earnest, and living in a History, is the veriest Jargon in the World, and that it is mere Dotage to proclaim aloud the Praises of one, who cannot hear nor understand them. I pass over numberless Inconveniences, which flow only from our exquisite Knowledge, and which prove to Demonstration, that at least half the Members of every civil Establishment ought to be Fools. Folly is to Society, what Fermentation is to the Stomach; too much, or none at all, are alike injurious.”
I heard all this with the greatest Amazement. But when in the Name of the Senate he offer’d me the Freedom of the City, and repeated his Intreaties, that I would fix my Abode here, I could not forbear blushing, from a Suspicion that his Request proceeded from a pre-conceiv’d Opinion of my Foolishness, and that he took me for such a Sort of Ferment as might be of Use to a State labouring under the Misfortune of too much Wisdom. I was confirm’d in this Suspicion, when I heard the Senate had decreed to send a Colony abroad, and in their Places to take in an equal Number of Fools from the neighbouring Nations. And so with a Sort of Resentment, I left this Race of Reasoners. Yet for a long Time I could not help reflecting upon that subterranean Axiom of theirs, unknown to the Politicians of our World, namely, That in a well-constituted Society, it is necessary that at least half the Members should be Fools. I wonder’d so salutary a Maxim should remain undiscover’d by the worthy Spirits of our Age. But possibly it might be known to some, who were however unwilling to have it inserted in the Class of political Truths, since with us there are great Plenty of Fools, nor is there (Envy apart!) a Village or City with us, but what is handsomely stor’d with this goodly Ferment.
Having rested some Time, I renew’d my Travels, and visited several Countries, which I pass over in Silence, as having nothing remarkable in them. I suppos’d I had now seen all the marvellous Things in the Planet Nazar. But arriving at the Province of Cabac, fresh Wonders offer themselves, and even such as exceed the Bounds of Credibility. Among the Natives of this Region, some are born without Heads. They speak by a Mouth plac’d in the Middle of the Breast. Upon Account of this great Defect in Nature, they are exempted from all such difficult Employments as require the least Headpiece. The only Posts they are admitted to, are chiefly those about the Court. Thus the Chamberlain, the Master of the Ceremonies, the President of the Seraglio, and the like, are all taken from the Class of People that are without Heads. Nevertheless some that have no Heads are, by the special Indulgence of the Government, receiv’d into the Senate for some Merit of their Ancestors, and that without much Detriment to the Republick. For Experience tells us, that the whole Authority of the Senate is lodg’d in the Hands of a few leading Members, and that the rest only help to fill up the Number, and to assent and subscribe to the Resolutions of others. And in my Time, there were in the Senate two that were born without Heads, who nevertheless enjoy’d the senatorial Stipends. For tho’ they were destitute of Sense, by reason of that Defect of Nature, yet surely they might give their Vote with others; happier in one Thing than their Collegues, namely, that nobody was angry with those who had no Heads, but vented all their Rage against the others. And hence it is evident, that it is safer sometimes to be born without a Head. This City may vie with any in Magnificence and Splendour. It has a Court, an University, and several noble Temples.
Cambara and Spelek are the two next Provinces. The Natives are all Limes. But in this they differ, that the former seldom live beyond the Age of four Years, whereas the others seldom fall short of four hundred. Here you might see Fathers, Grandfathers, Great Grandfathers, and so on; they would tell you old Stories and Adventures of their own that happen’d Ages ago, and by their lively Representations make you think you was almost present at them. As much as I pity’d the first, I envy’d the last. But after I had more inly examin’d the State of both, I found my Error. In Cambara every one, within a few Months after their Nativity, arriv’d to their full Maturity of Body and Mind. One Year was enough to form and perfect them; in the rest they prepar’d for Death. Not Plato’s self could have imagin’d a more charming Republick; here all the Virtues flourish’d to Perfection. Being hourly convinc’d of the Shortness of Life, they are always ready for Death, and regard this Life only as a Passage to a better. We may imagine every one of them a Philosopher, who with a happy Indifference to his present State, aims only at securing that solid and durable Pleasure, which is the Reward of Virtue and Piety. In a Word, this seem’d to be the Abode of Angels, the Kingdom of Saints, and the truest School of Wisdom and Virtue. Hence one may judge how unjust their Murmurs are, who complain of the Brevity of Life, making it the Foundation of a Quarrel at their Maker. Our Life is short, because we lose the greatest Part in Sloth and Pleasure; it would be long enough if our Time were better employ’d. But in the other Region, where Life is lengthen’d to four hundred Years, I discover’d all the Vices under Heaven. The present State of Things they look upon as eternal and immortal.