CHAP. XIII.
FROM that Time forward, I was wholly taken up in giving a new Form to the Government, and instructing the Youth in military Discipline.
I began with teaching them the Management of Horses, and training them for War, as I hop’d that by our Horse alone our Neighbours might be kept in Awe. The Emperor was soon supply’d, through my Diligence, with six thousand Horse. The Tanachites were at that Time preparing for a fresh Invasion, on Account of the Delay of the annual Tribute, the Payment of which had often been sollicited in vain. I was order’d by the Emperor to go and meet the Enemy with my new-rais’d Cavalry, to which were added a Body of Infantry. These were arm’d with Pikes and Javelins, with which they might engage the Tanachites at a Distance. For the Quamites had hitherto made use of short Swords or Daggers only; for which Reason being oblig’d to engage Hand to Hand with very fierce Enemies, who were much superior to them in Strength, they had always fought upon unequal Terms.
Being appointed General in this Expedition, as soon as I heard that the Tanachites were drawn up in Order of Battle, not far from the Borders of our Empire, I march’d to meet them with all my Forces. The Enemy, thunderstruck with the Sight of an unexpected Army, remain’d for some Time motionless: But our Forces advancing towards them, began to handle their Pikes and Javelins as soon as the Enemy came within Reach, and made a heavy Slaughter of them. The Tanachites, however, did not lose Courage, but made a brisk Attack upon our Infantry: But the new-rais’d Horse falling upon their Flanks, their Ranks were quickly broken, and they themselves put to Flight; so that the Fortune of the Battle wholly turn’d on this Assault. A terrible Slaughter ensued, and the General of the Tanachites, together with twenty Tigers of the first Quality, were taken Prisoners, and led in Triumph to Quama. It is scarce to be express’d what Joy this extraordinary Victory diffus’d throughout the Empire; for the Quamites had generally been routed in all former Battles, and forc’d to beg a Peace upon the most dishonourable Terms. The Emperor, according to Custom, immediately sentenc’d all the Prisoners to be executed: But as I had an Abhorrence of this Custom, I advis’d the keeping them in Custody, thinking the Tanachites (with whom we could neither be said to be at War, nor in Peace, at that Time) would be quiet, until they saw what was to become of their Prisoners. And besides I urg’d, that a Truce was necessary for me, to put some Schemes in Execution which I was then projecting. I had before taken Notice, that the Country abounded with Salt-Petre, and had got together a large Quantity of it, in order to make Gunpowder. I had not however communicated my Design to any body but the Emperor, whose Authority I stood in need of, to erect Offices for casting Barrels for Guns, and other Kinds of Weapons: And I was in Hopes, that by the Help of these Instruments all the Enemies of this Empire might in a short Time be subdued. After I had got some Hundreds of Muskets made, together with a Quantity of Ball, I gave a publick Specimen of my Invention, to the great Astonishment of every body. A certain Number of Men were immediately set aside, to be continually exercis’d in the Management of these Muskets. After the Musketeers came to be pretty ready in their Exercises, I was declar’d Jachal by the Emperor, or Generalissimo of all his Forces, and all the subordinate Officers were order’d to receive their Commands from me. Whilst these Affairs were transacting, I had frequent Conferences with Tomopoloko, the General of the Tanachites, in order to discover the State, the Manners and Disposition of that Nation. I found him, to my great Surprize, to be a Person of Prudence, Learning, and Politeness, and was inform’d by him, that Literature and Arts were in no small Esteem in the Country of the Tanachites. He told me likewise, that there were a very warlike People Eastward of them, whom the Tanachites were oblig’d to be perpetually upon their Guard against. The Inhabitants were small of Stature, and much inferior to the Tanachites in Strength of Body; but then their Understandings were very acute, and they were eminent for their Dexterity in managing their Javelins, or Darts, and for this Reason had often compell’d the Tanachites to sue for Peace. I learnt afterward, that that Nation was compos’d of Cats, and that of all the Inhabitants of the Firmament, they were the most remarkable for their able Judgment and Skill in Politicks. It was no small Grief to me to be inform’d, that Learning, Wisdom, and Politeness, flourish’d among all the Creatures of this Subterraneous World, Man only excepted, and that the Quamites alone were barbarous and unciviliz’d. I hop’d, however, that this Reproach would soon be remov’d, and that the Quamites would recover that Dominion which Nature has given to Man over all other Animals.
The Tanachites continued quiet for a long Time after their last Defeat; but after they had discover’d, by Means of their Spies, the State and Disposition of the new Body of Horse, namely, that those Centaurs, which had struck such a Terror into them, were nothing else but Horses, which had been broke and manag’d, they resum’d new Courage, and rais’d fresh Forces, which the King himself commanded in Person. The Army consisted of twenty thousand Tigers, all veteran Troops, except two Regiments which had lately been inlisted. These new-rais’d Forces were however a nominal, and not a real Addition to their Strength. This Army, flush’d with Hopes of Victory, struck a Terror into the whole Empire of Quama. Twelve thousand of our Foot advanc’d to meet them, among which were six hundred Musketeers, together with four thousand Horse. As I had no Doubt about the Success of the Battle, lest the Emperor should be defrauded of the Glory of the Victory, I intreated the old Man to put himself at the Head of his Forces. I lost nothing of my Credit by this feign’d Modesty, since the whole Army look’d upon me as their Leader. I thought it most advisable not to let my Musketeers have any Share in the first Assault, having a Mind to try, whether we could not carry the Victory by Means of the Horse alone. But this Piece of Management cost me dear. For the Tanachites attack’d our Foot with so much Violence, that they oblig’d them to give Way: They stood likewise the Shock of our Horse so valiantly, that for a long Time it could not be said to which Side the Victory inclin’d. While we were in the Heat of the Battle, I led my Musketeers on to the Attack. At the first Discharge of our Artillery, the Tanachites were in a Manner stupefy’d. They could not conceive from whence those Thunders and Lightnings proceeded; but when they saw the dreadful Effects thereof, they were seiz’d as it were with a Panick. This first Salutation laid two hundred Tigers prostrate on the Ground, amongst which were two Chaplains belonging to the Camp, who were each of them pierc’d thro’ with a Musket-Ball, whilst they were encouraging the Soldiers to do their Duty by very pathetick Discourses in Praise of Valour. Their Fate was bitterly lamented by all, for they were reckon’d admirable Orators. As soon as I perceiv’d the Terror our Enemies were in, I order’d a second Discharge to be made. This did more Execution than the former: Great Numbers were kill’d, and among the rest, the King himself. Upon this the Enemy losing all Hopes, turn’d their Backs. Our Horse pursued them, and made so great a Slaughter of them as they fled, that the Multitude of Carcasses with which the Field was covered, at length put a Stop to their Pursuit. After the Battle was over, and we had Time to take an Account of the Number of the Slain, they were found to amount to thirteen thousand. The Enemy being thus intirely routed, the victorious Army enter’d the Country of the Tanachites, and after a few Days March encamp’d under the Walls of the Metropolis. Such a Terror had at that Time seiz’d all Peoples Minds, that though the Town was strong, and well secur’d by its Situation, Walls, and Forts, and well stor’d with Provisions of all Kinds, yet the Magistrates came out in the most suppliant Manner to meet the Conquerors, and to offer them the Keys of the City. This City was no less remarkable for its great Extent, than for the Cleanness of its Streets, and the Neatness of its Buildings. And it was certainly Matter of great Wonder, that the Quamites, who were encompass’d on all Sides by Nations so polite, should have continued so long in their Barbarity. But they were in this Respect like some other Nations, who though ignorant of what passes in foreign Countries, entertain a high Conceit of themselves, and who having no Commerce or Communication with others, live hugely contented in their own Sordidness and Ignorance, of which it would be very easy to produce Instances among the Europeans. This Defeat became a new Æra among the Tanachites; and as this decisive Battle was fought, according to their Computation, upon the third Day of the Month Torul, they reckon this among the unlucky Days. At this Season of the Year, the Planet Nazar, whose Revolution round the Subterranean Sun regulates the Time, and distinguishes the Seasons, is at its farthest Distance from this Part of the Firmament. The whole Firmament likewise makes its Revolution round the Sun, but as the Planet moves with greater Velocity, Nazar seems to increase or decrease, according as it is nearer to, or more remote from this or that Hemisphere. The Increase or Decrease of this Planet, as also the Eclipses of the Sun, are the Subject of astronomical Observations in this Country. I once took the Pains, at my Hours of Leisure, to examine the Tanachitish Kalendar, and it seem’d to me to be an orderly and well digested Thing.
The Taking of the capital City was follow’d by the Surrender of the whole Kingdom; so that the Contempt with which the Quamites had been before stigmatiz’d, was chang’d into Renown; and the Empire of Quama, by the Addition of this conquer’d Nation, became almost twice as powerful as it was before. But as every body look’d upon this Success to be owing to my Industry and Management, the Esteem which they had for a long Time conceiv’d for me was heighten’d almost into Adoration. The Tanachites being thus subdued, and Governors appointed in every City, to keep this fierce and warlike People in their Duty, I went to work, to finish the Task I had begun, and to root out that Barbarity in which the Quamites were as yet involv’d. It was a Matter of great Difficulty, however, to introduce the Study of the liberal Arts at once; for the Latin Tongue, and a few Scraps of Greek, which I had learnt in Europe, would not, I knew, be here of any Use. For this Reason, I caus’d twelve of the most learned Tigers to be sent for out of the Enemies Country. These were made Professors, and commanded to found an University upon the Model of those in their own Country. I likewise order’d the Royal Library of Tanachin to be remov’d to Quama. I was determin’d, however, that as soon as the Quamites had made such a Progress in Literature as to be able to stand upon their own Legs, I would send these Foreigners back into their own Country.
I was very desirous of seeing the Tanachitish Library, because I had been inform’d by their General Tomopoloko, that amongst other Manuscripts in the Archives of the Library, there was one compos’d by an Author who had been in our World, and had left a Description of its different Kingdoms, especially the European ones; he told me likewise, that the Tanachites had got Possession of this Book while they were at War in a very distant Country, but that the Name of the Author was conceal’d, nor could it ever be learnt who he was, or how he was carry’d to the Superterranean Habitations.
Upon looking over the Book, I found what Tomopoloko had told me concerning the Author was true, and therefore I candidly discover’d my Race and Country to him, assuring him at the same Time, that I had declar’d the same Thing to the Quamites at my first Arrival, but that the stupid Mortals gave no Credit to my Narration, but would needs have me to be an Embassador from the Sun, and still continued to persist obstinately in that Error. I added likewise, that as I look’d upon it to be a Crime to keep so vain a Title any longer, I was at length determin’d to discover my Origin to the Publick, by which ingenuous Confession I thought my Reputation would not in the least suffer, especially as I hop’d, that the Reading of this Book would convince every body how much the Europeans excel all other People in Virtue and in Knowledge. The prudent Tomopoloko did not seem pleas’d with my Design, and gave me his Sentiments upon it, as I remember, in the following Terms. “Good Sir, before you proceed in your Design, it will be necessary for you to see the Book, the Reading of which may, perhaps, divert you from your Purpose; for either the Author has misrepresented them, or the Manners of the Superterraneans are foolish and absurd, and they are govern’d by Laws and Customs more worthy of Laughter than Regard. But after you have read the Book, you may use your own Discretion. One Piece of Advice, however, I will presume to give you, and that is, not rashly to reject a Title which has render’d you so venerable in the Opinion of the Quamites: For nothing serves more effectually to restrain Men within the Bounds of Duty, than the Opinion which the Vulgar entertain of Birth and high Descent.”
I took the Advice, and determin’d, with the Assistance of Tomopoloko, to read the Book. The Title of it is this; Tanian’s Journey to the Superterranean World, or a Description of the Kingdoms and Countries upon Earth. The Name of Tanian is thought to be fictitious, and as the Book was grown mouldy for want of being taken due Care of, and imperfect in several Places through Length of Time, what I wanted most to see, namely, which Way the Author got up to our World, and down again, was missing. These are the Contents of what remain’d of the Work.
Fragments of Tanian’s Journey above Ground, translated from the Original, by the celebrated, noble, and valiant Tomopoloko, General of the Tanachites.
* * * This Country (i. e. Germany) goes by the Name of the Roman Empire; but this is merely titular, for the Roman Monarchy has been extinct for several Ages. The Language, which the Germans use, is with much Difficulty to be understood, because the natural Order of the Words is inverted; for what goes first in other Languages, comes last in this, so that you may be oblig’d to read to the End of a Page before you can comprehend the Meaning of it. The Form of Government is strange. The Germans think they have a King, and yet in Reality they have none. Germany is said to be one Empire, and yet it is divided into many separate Principalities, each of which has the Sovereign Power within itself, so that they often make War upon one another, and have most certainly a Right so to do. The Empire is said to be always August, though it is sometimes very much diminish’d; Holy, tho’ without any Holiness; Invincible, though often expos’d to the Depredations of its Neighbours. Nor are the Rights and Privileges of this Nation less wonderful, since many have Rights, which they are prohibited from making any Use of. Infinite are the Comments which have been publish’d upon the State of the German Empire, but so intricate is the Subject, that in Spite of all their Labours they are at every Turn as much at a Loss as ever concerning it; for * * * *
* * * * The Capital of this Kingdom (France) which is very large, is call’d Paris. It may in some Sense be styl’d the Capital of Europe: For it exercises a Kind of Jurisdiction over all other European Nations. For Example, it prescribes Rules to them about their Eating, and about the Fashion of their Cloaths; so that let any Fashion be as ridiculous and as inconvenient as it will, all other Nations are oblig’d to follow it, whenever the Parisians are pleas’d to lead the Way. How or what Time they acquir’d this Right, I could never learn. Their Authority, however, did not, as I understood, extend to other Things, for the rest of the European Nations are often at War with the French, and sometimes force them to accept of Peace upon very severe Terms; but the Servitude they are under with regard to Dress, and the Manner of Eating is perpetual; so that whatever Fashion is invented at Paris, the rest of Europe are strictly oblig’d to come into it. The Parisians very much resemble the Martinians in Quickness of Apprehension, the Love of Novelty, and a Fertility of Invention.
* * * Having left Bononia, we went to Rome. This City is subject to a Priest, who, though his Dominions are very narrow, is reckon’d the most powerful of all the European Kings and Princes. For other Princes exercise Dominion only over the Persons and Estates of their Subjects, but this can destroy their Souls likewise. The Europeans in general believe, that the Keys of Heaven are in the Custody of this Priest. I was very desirous of seeing so great a Curiosity, but I lost my Labour, nor do I know, to this Day, what Form they are of, or in what Cabinet they are kept. The Authority which this Pontiff exercises, not only over his own Subjects, but over all Mankind, chiefly consists in this, that he can absolve whom God condemns, and condemn whom he absolves. An enormous Power, indeed! and such an one as our Subterraneans will never believe can fall to any Mortal’s Share. But it is an easy Matter to impose upon the Europeans as one pleases, and to make them swallow the greatest Absurdities, though they imagine that nobody has any Understanding but themselves; and being puff’d with this Opinion, they look down with Contempt upon all other Mortals, as if they were Barbarians in Comparison of them.
For my Part, I do not undertake to justify the Manners, Laws, and Customs of our Subterraneans; I will only produce some Instances of the Customs of the Europeans, in order to make it appear how undeservedly they pass a Censure upon the Manners of other Nations.
It is a Custom all over Europe for People to scatter a Kind of Meal, which is made by grinding the Fruits of the Earth, and which Nature intended for Food, over their Hair and Cloaths. This Meal is commonly call’d Powder, and great Care and Pains are us’d to cleanse their Hair from it every Morning, with an Instrument call’d a Comb, in order to make Room for more of the same Sort. They have another Custom which appear’d to me no less ridiculous, which is this. They have a Kind of little Cover, or Hat, to defend their Heads against the Cold, which Cover they very often wear under one of their Arms, even in the very Depth of Winter. This appear’d as absurd to me, as it would have been to have seen a Man walking through the Streets with his Coat or his Breeches in his Hand, and leaving his Body to be expos’d to the Inclemencies of the Air, from which they were intended to defend it.
The religious Opinions of the Europeans are very sound and agreeable to right Reason. They are under an Injunction carefully to study the Books in which the Rule of Faith and Practice is contain’d, in order to discover their true Sense and Meaning. These Books recommend Indulgence to weak Brethren, and such as happen to be mistaken; but if any should chance to understand a Thing in a different Sense from the Majority, he is punish’d for this Defect of Judgment by Fines, Imprisonment, Whipping, and even sometimes by dying at a Stake. This seem’d to me the same Thing, as if a Man, who happen’d to be short-sighted, should undergo the Bastinado, only because Objects, which seem square to me, appear round to him. I was inform’d, that Thousands had been hang’d and burnt, by Order of the Magistrate, on this Account.
In almost every Town and Village, you see Men standing up in Places of publick Resort, and severely reprimanding others for those Sins which they themselves are daily guilty of; which is just as if one should hear a Man in Liquor declaiming against Drunkenness.
Oftentimes a Person who is born humpback’d, crooked, or lame, shall be ambitious of being thought handsome; and another sprung from the Dregs of the People, shall be ambitious of a Coat of Arms, or a Title: Which is full as absurd as if a Dwarf should affect to be call’d a Giant, or an old Man, young.
It is a Custom in great Towns, for Friends and Acquaintance to visit one another after Dinner, in order to drink a Kind of black Broth made of burnt Beans. This Broth is commonly call’d Coffee. When they make these Visits, they are shut up in a Box, which is fix’d upon four Wheels, and drawn to the Place of Rendezvous by two Beasts of very great Strength: For the Europeans think it a Disgrace to use their Legs.
Upon the first Day of the Year the Europeans are seiz’d with a Disease, which we have no Knowledge of amongst us. The Symptoms of it are strange Commotions and Agitations of Mind, and an Inability to sit still in any Place. They run about at such Times from one House to another, as if they were distracted, without knowing why they do it. The Disease sometimes lasts for fourteen Days. At length, when they are quite fatigu’d and spent with continually running about, they come to themselves again, and recover their former Health.
As the Europeans have innumerable Diseases of Mind, so they have innumerable Remedies. Some are seiz’d with a strange Passion of walking in such a Manner, as that the left Sides of their Bodies may be turn’d towards the right Sides of others. The farther North you go, the stronger you find this Humour, which proves that it is all owing to the Climate, and the Intemperature of the Air. This Disease is cur’d by certain seal’d Papers, fill’d with Characters of a particular Kind. As long as the Patient carries these Papers about him, by Way of Talisman or Charm, he grows better and better by Degrees, till he is quite recover’d.
Another raging Distemper they have, which is cur’d by the Sound of a Bell, at the Noise of which the Mind immediately grows calm, and the Disorder abates: Yet this Remedy is by no Means effectual, because in two or three Hours Time the same raging Evil returns.
In Italy, France, and Spain, during the Winter Season, an epidemick Madness prevails for several Weeks. They put a Stop to it at length, by sprinkling the Foreheads of the Patients with Ashes, at an appointed Time. But in the Northern Parts of Europe these Ashes have no Virtue, and the Inhabitants of the North recover by the Help of Nature only.
Most of the Europeans enter into a solemn Covenant with God, which they call the Communion, three or four Times a Year, and break it as soon as ever they have made it. So that they seem to make it for no other Reason, but that they may shew that they are resolv’d not to stand to their Agreement.
When they confess their Sins, and implore the Mercy of God, their Words are generally set to Musick. Flutes, Trumpets, and Drums, are sometimes added to the Concert, according to the Greatness of the Crime, for which they are suing Pardon.
Almost all the European Nations are obliged to confess their Belief of a Doctrine contain’d in a certain sacred Book. But the reading this Book is totally prohibited in the Southern Countries, so that People there are laid under a Necessity of believing what it is criminal to read or enquire into.
In the same Countries, Men are forbad to worship God in any, but an unknown Tongue; so that such Prayers only are thought to be legitimate, and agreeable to the divine Being, as are put up by Persons, who do not understand a Word they say.
In the great Cities, such as arrive at Honours and profitable Employments are all paralytick; for they are oblig’d to be carry’d along the Streets, like weak and impotent People, on a Kind of Couch, made in the Figure of a Chest or Box.
Most of the Europeans shave their Heads, and to conceal their Baldness, wear an artificial Covering made of other Peoples Hair.
The Controversies which are commonly discuss’d in the Schools in Europe, are about Things, the Knowledge of which neither concerns Mankind, nor is within the Reach of their Comprehension. But the most learned Subjects of all, which the Europeans comment upon, are the Rings, Robes, Slippers, Shoes, and Buskins of certain antiquated People, who liv’d many Centuries ago. As to the Sciences, as well sacred as profane, the Generality do not judge for themselves, but subscribe implicitly to the Opinion of others. Whatever Sect they happen to fall into, they stick to it with all imaginable Firmness. As to what they say of pinning their Faith upon the Sleeve of others who are wiser than themselves, I should approve of it, were the Vulgar and Illiterate proper Judges of this Matter; for to be able to distinguish who is this wise Man that may be rely’d upon, requires the greatest Wisdom.
In the Southern Countries, a Sort of little Cakes or Wafers are carry’d about the Streets, which the Priests say are Gods: But what is most surprizing, the very Bakers themselves, who shew you the Flour of which they were made, will take their Oaths upon it, that the World was created by these Wafers.
The English are very fond of Liberty, and are subject to nobody but their Wives. As to their Religion, it is hard to say what it is, for they take up an Opinion one Day, and throw it aside the next. I imputed this fickle Disposition to the Situation of the Country. For the English live upon an Island, and being a maritime People, partake much of the Nature of the inconstant Element that surrounds them.
The English are very sollicitous about the Health of every one they meet, so that a Man would take them all to be Physicians. But that common Question, How do you do? I found to be only an empty Form of Speech, and a Sound without any Sense or Meaning in it. Many of these Islanders take so much Pains to improve their Minds, and polish their Understandings, that at length they intirely lose them.
Towards the North, there is a Republick consisting of seven Provinces. These go by the Name of the United Provinces, tho’ there is but little Sign of Concord or Unity amongst them. The People here boast of their Power, as if the whole Authority of the Republick was lodg’d in their Hands; and yet the Populace are no where more excluded from publick Employments, and the supreme Power is vested in a very few Families. The Inhabitants of these Provinces are deeply attentive upon heaping up Riches, which they make no Use of; so that while their Purses are full, their Bellies are empty. They seem to live upon Smoke only, which they suck in thro’ a Tube or Pipe, which is made of Clay. It must be allow’d, however, for the Honour of this Nation, that they are the neatest of all People, for they take great Care to wash every Thing except their Hands.
In the Cities and great Towns in Europe, a Watch is kept in the Street by Night. The Watchmen go their Rounds every Hour, and wake People out of their Sleep, by wishing them a good Night.
Every Country has its peculiar Laws, and its peculiar Customs likewise, which are ofttimes diametrically opposite to those Laws. For Example: A Wife, according to the Laws, ought to be subject to her Husband; but according to Custom, she has a Right to govern him.
Those who live most luxuriously, and consume the greatest Quantity of the Products of the Earth, are held in most Esteem in Europe; and only Husbandmen, and such as supply Materials for the Luxury of the Great, are treated with Contempt.
The great Number of Gibbets, Gallows’s, and Places of Execution, which are every where to be seen, shew the Europeans to be People of very bad Dispositions, and subject to many Kinds of Vices. There is a publick Executioner in every City. The English are an Exception to this Rule, amongst whom, I believe, there are no Executioners; for the People in that Country hang themselves.
One would suspect the Europeans to be Anthropophagi, or Men-Eaters; for it is a Custom amongst them to shut up a great Number of able-body’d Men in Cloisters, which they call Monasteries, for no other End, but that they may grow sleek and fat: And whilst they are kept in these Cells, they are utterly exempted from all Labour, and have nothing to do but to eat and drink.
The Europeans have a Custom of drinking Water every Morning, to moderate the Heat of their Stomachs; but before they are well grown cool by this Means, they go to work to warm them again, by swallowing down Draughts of fiery Liquors, which they call Drams.
The Religion of the Europeans is divided into two principal Sects, one of which are call’d Protestants, and the other Papists. The former worship one God only; but the latter adore several, for they have as many Gods and Goddesses, as there are Towns and Villages. All these Gods and Goddesses are made by the Roman Pontiff, or High-Priest. This Pontiff himself is made by Presbyters, commonly call’d Cardinals. Hence it appears how great the Power of these Cardinals must be, since they can make him who makes the Gods.
The ancient Inhabitants of Italy conquer’d the whole World, and were only subject to their Wives: But the modern ones tyrannize over their Wives, and are Slaves to all Mankind besides.
The Animals in Europe are divided into terrestrial and aquatick. There are some amphibious ones likewise, as Frogs, Dolphins, and Dutchmen. The last dwell in a marshy Soil, and live upon Land or Water indifferently.
The Europeans use much the same Food that we do; But a Spaniard will live upon Air.
Trade flourishes much in every Part of Europe, and many Commodities are sold there in which we never traffick: Thus, for Example, the Romish Church sells Heaven; the Swiss sell themselves; and in *** Crowns, Scepters, and the Royal Authority itself are set to Sale.
In Spain, Laziness is the Token of a Gentleman, and nothing is a greater Recommendation of Nobility than sleeping much. Those are call’d good Men and true Believers, who believe what they do not understand, and never think it worth their while to examine what they hear. Some have even been reckon’d Saints merely for their Slothfulness, their Want of Curiosity, and their neglecting to enquire into religious Matters. But those who are sollicitous about their own Salvation, and happen, through a diligent and accurate Enquiry, to dissent from any reigning Opinion, are said to be damn’d to all Eternity.
It is a prevailing Opinion in Europe, that future Happiness or Misery does not depend upon good Works, or the Exercise of Virtue and Religion, but upon the Place of a Man’s Nativity. For all agree, that if they had been born in another Place, or of other Parents, they should have been of a different Religion. Hence they in Reality condemn People not so much on Account of their Religion, as the Place, or other Circumstances of their Birth. But how this Opinion is reconcileable with the divine Justice or Goodness, I cannot comprehend.
Amongst the Men of Letters, those are most esteem’d, whose Business it is to invert the natural Order of Words, and render that obscure and perplex’d, which before was plain and easy. These are call’d Poets, and this Art of disjointing Words goes by the Name of Poetry. But Poetry does not consist in this Perversity of Stile only; because to deserve that Name, a Composition must likewise be extremely full of Lies. An ancient Poet, Homer by Name, is held in high Esteem, and almost Adoration, because he excell’d in both these Arts. Many have imitated him, but nobody ever yet came up to him, either in confounding the Order of Words, or perverting the Truth.
The Literati of Europe are very fond of buying Books, but in this Point they do not so much regard the Matter they contain, as they do the Form and Neatness of them. The Booksellers, who are well aware of this, and know that their learned Customers had rather feast their Eyes than their Minds, are perpetually reprinting their Books in a different Size and Letter, and with new Decorations; by which Means they make an infinite Advantage. For in this Country the liberal Arts are made a Trade of, and some Authors are reckon’d as sharp and cunning as any Trader at all.
The Universities in Europe are Shops, where Degrees, Promotions, Dignities, and various Kinds of Titles, and other learned Wares, are set to Sale at reasonable Rates: All which are not to be acquir’d in our Subterranean World without indefatigable Pains and Study for Years together. Those who have reach’d the Summit of all Erudition, or (in the European Phrase) have got to the Top of a certain Mountain, call’d Parnassus, inhabited by nine Virgins, are styl’d Doctors. The next to these are Masters of Arts, who come at their Titles at somewhat a less Expence, and are therefore thought to be less learned. The Good-will which these Superterranean Schools bear to Mankind is evident, from their thus rendring the Way to Learning smooth and easy. The Northern Seminaries were a little more rigid in this Respect, since the highest Honours are not there conferr’d without a previous Examination.
The Learned are distinguish’d from the Illiterate by their Dress and Manners, but chiefly by their Religion; for the latter worship only one God, but the former pay their Devotions to several. The principal Deities of the Learned are Apollo, Minerva, the Nine Muses, and others of an inferior Rank, which Writers, and especially Poets, are wont to invoke at such Times as they fall into Raptures, or a Kind of Raving.
The Learned, according to the Diversity of their Studies, are distinguish’d into various Classes; for Instance, Philosophers, Poets, Grammarians, Naturalists, Metaphysicians, &c.
A Philosopher is a literary Merchant, who sets to Sale Precepts concerning Self-Denial, Temperance, and Poverty, at a stated Price, and spends his Time in writing and declaiming against Riches till he grows rich himself. The Father of these Philosophers was one Seneca, who, by this Method, amass’d together a princely Fortune.
A Poet is a Person who acquires Renown by being thought to be out of his Senses. Hence it is usual to speak of all great Poets, as possess’d with a divine Fury or Distraction; and all who express their Thoughts with Simplicity and Perspicuity, are judg’d unworthy of the Laurel.
The Grammarians are a Sort of Militia, whose only Business is to disturb the publick Peace. They differ from the other Soldiery in this Respect, that instead of a Coat of Mail, they wear a Gown, and fight with their Pens instead of Swords. They contend as obstinately for Letters and Syllables, as the others do for their Liberties and Properties. The Reason why they are kept up, I believe, is this, that the European Princes are afraid lest People in a Time of Peace should grow dull, and lose their Spirits for want of somewhat like a War. Sometimes, however, when these Differences begin to threaten Bloodshed, the Senate interposes its Authority. An Accident of this Kind happen’d not long ago at Paris, as I was told. For a Dispute concerning the Letters Q and K growing to a Height among the Doctors, the Senate wisely put an End to it, by allowing every one to use the Letter he lik’d best.
A Naturalist, or Natural Philosopher, is a Person who diligently enquires into the Nature of Quadrupeds, Reptiles, and Insects of all Kinds, and who is acquainted with every Thing, except himself.
A Metaphysician is one who alone knows those Things which are conceal’d from others, and who can describe and define the Essence of Spirits and of Souls, of Entities and Non-Entities; and who being very sharp-sighted in spying out Things at a Distance, overlooks such as are almost under his Nose.
Such is the State of Learning in Europe. I could say more upon this Head, but it is sufficient to have touch’d upon the principal Points. The Reader will easily judge from hence, whether the Europeans are right or wrong, in thinking no People have any Knowledge but themselves.
It must be confess’d, however, that the Doctors and Masters in Europe, are much more dextrous in instructing Youth, than our Subterraneans are. For they have Masters of Arts, and of Languages, among them, who teach others not only what they have learnt themselves, but even what they are utterly unacquainted with. If it is an arduous Task, to communicate clearly to others what we know ourselves, surely it is much more so to teach them what we are intirely ignorant of.
Amongst the Men of Learning, there are some who apply themselves, with equal Diligence, both to Philosophy and Divinity. These Men, as Divines, dare not deny, what as Philosophers they very much doubt of.
The Europeans apply themselves to Letters with as much Industry as we do; but they become learned in much less Time, by Means of a certain extraordinary magical Invention, by the Help whereof they can read over a hundred Volumes in a Day.
The Superterraneans are very religious, and constant at Divine Service; but their Times of Worship are not regulated by the Motions of the Heart, but by the Ringing of Bells, by Clocks, or Sun-Dials; so that this Devotion seems to be purely mechanical, and to depend upon Externals, upon Custom, or upon stated Times, rather than to flow from the Dictates of the Heart.
Their Taste for religious Duties appears from their Custom of singing Hymns or Psalms, while they are cleaving Wood, washing Dishes, or employ’d in any other manual Labour.
When I arriv’d in Italy, I look’d upon myself to be Lord of the whole Country, for every one I met profess’d himself my Slave. Having a Mind to try how far this Servility, which they made such a Shew of, would extend, I order’d my Landlord’s Wife to be brought to me one Night: But he immediately fell into a Passion, and commanded me to pack up my Baggage and be gone; and as I did not make haste enough, he fairly turn’d me out of Doors,
In the Northern Countries, People are very fond of Titles, though they have not the Possessions which belong to them. They are likewise extremely ambitious of the upper Hand. Moreover * * *
Thus far I patiently attended, but my Indignation was now rais’d, and I would hear no more, declaring, that these were Fictions of a partial Writer, and one who was over-run with Spleen. But when my Heat a little abated, I began to form a more favourable Judgment of this Itinerary, as I saw that the Author, though he appear’d in many Places to be partial, and not to have had the best Regard to Truth, was not, however, mistaken in his Judgment, but had often hit the Nail, as we say, on the Head.
I now determin’d with myself, to take the Advice of Tomopoloko, and cherish the Error of the Quamites concerning my Origin; since I thought it more for my Interest to pass for an Embassador Extraordinary from the Sun, than for a Citizen of Europe.
Our Neighbours had now continued quiet for a long Time, and I had taken the Advantage of this wish’d for Peace, to settle the Republick to my Satisfaction. News at length arriv’d, that three very powerful Nations had enter’d into an Alliance to invade the Quamites. These were the Arctonians, the Kispucians, and the Alectorians. The Arctonians were a Nation of Bears, who were endued with Speech and Reason, and were reckon’d very fierce and warlike. The Kispucians were Cats of an extraordinary Size, and were in great Repute among the Subterraneans, for their Sagacity and Judgment: For this Reason they kept some very powerful Enemies in Awe, not so much by their superior Strength, as by their Artifice and Stratagems. The Alectorians fought in the Air, as well as upon Land, and by that Means gave their Enemies infinite Vexation: These were Game-Cocks, arm’d with Bows and Arrows dipt in Poison, which they manag’d with wonderful Dexterity, and thereby did great Execution.
These three Nations, alarm’d at the unusual Success of the Quamites, enter’d into a League or Alliance, by which it was agreed to check the growing Power of the Quamites with their united Force, before it spread any further. However, before they declar’d War, they sent Embassadors to Quama, to demand that the Liberties of the Tanachites might be restor’d, and to threaten War, in case such Demands were not comply’d with.
The Embassadors deliver’d their Commission, and receiv’d the following Answer, which was given them by my Advice: That the Tanachites having broken the Peace, and violated the Faith of Treaties, ought to impute the Misfortune they were fallen into, to their own Folly and Presumption; that the Emperor was resolv’d, with all his Might, to defend the Territories he had acquir’d by Right of War; and lastly, that he was not to be aw’d by the Threats of the Confederate Nations. The Heralds were dismiss’d with this Answer, and we turn’d our Thoughts towards making Preparations for the impending War. In a short Time I got together an Army of forty thousand Men, among which eight thousand Horse, and two thousand Musketeers. The Emperor, though he was grown decrepid through Age, resolv’d to be present in this Expedition, and was inflam’d with such a Thirst of Glory, that neither I myself, nor the Empress and her Children, who join’d with me in striving to overcome his Obstinacy, could divert him from his Purpose. What gave me the most Disturbance at that Time, was my Jealousy of the Tanachites; for I was afraid lest they should grow weary of their Servitude, and lay hold of that Occasion to shake off the Yoke, and join the Enemy. Nor was I deceiv’d in my Conjecture; for a little while after War had been proclaim’d, News was brought us, that twelve thousand Tanachites had taken Arms, and were gone over to the Enemy. Hence I saw, that we should have four powerful Enemies to Struggle with at one and the same Time.
All necessary Preparations being made, the Army was commanded to begin their March towards the Enemy in the Beginning of the Month Kilian. As we were upon the Road, Intelligence was brought us, that the Confederate Forces had enter’d the Country of the Tanachites, and laid Siege to the Castle of Sibol, which was situated on the Borders of the Kispucian Territories. The Place was attack’d with so great a Force, and with so much Violence, that the Governor was just going to surrender it. But as soon as the Enemy were inform’d of our Approach, they broke up the Siege, and march’d against us. The Battle was fought upon a Plain, not far from the Fortress which had been besieg’d, from whence it was call’d the Battle of Sibol. The Arctonians, which compos’d the Enemies left Wing, falling upon our Horse, made great Slaughter of them; and, as this Attack was supported by the Rebel Tanachites, it was very near proving fatal to us. But the Musketeers going in to their Assistance, and having thrown the Enemy into Disorder by two Discharges of their Artillery, the Face of the Battle was quite chang’d; so that they who but just now had borne down our Horse, and were almost Conquerors, being now borne down themselves, began to give Way, and at last to turn their Backs. In the mean Time the Kispucians briskly attack’d our Foot, and shot their Arrows with so much Art, and with such Success, that six hundred Quamites were, in a very little Time, either shot dead, or desperately wounded. But the Horse, together with the Musketeers, coming to their Assistance, the Enemy were oblig’d to save themselves by Flight; which they did, however, in so good Order, without once breaking their Ranks, that they might be rather said to yield than fly. This was owing to the Conduct of Monsonius, General of the Kispucians, who at that Time was thought to excel all the Subterranean Generals in the Art of War. The Alectorians yet remain’d, whom it was no easy Matter to subdue; for as oft as our Musketeers fir’d upon them, the Enemy sprung up all at once into the Air, and thence discharg’d a Shower of Arrows, which were so well aim’d, that few of them fell to the Ground without doing Execution. The Reason why these Arrows seldom miss’d their Aim, was because it is easier to hit an Object when you are above, than when you are below it. Our Men often miss’d their Mark, because the Enemy were so volatile, and perpetually Shifting Places. In the Midst of the Engagement, whilst the Emperor was in the very Heat of Action, his Neck was pierc’d through with a poison’d Arrow. He fell from his Horse immediately, and was carry’d out of the Battle to his Tent, where he expir’d soon after. In this ticklish Situation of Affairs, I thought it most advisable to injoin all such as had been Witnesses of this unhappy Accident, to keep it secret, lest the Ardour of the Soldiers should abate upon hearing the Emperor was dead. I bade them take Courage, and told them, that the King indeed was stunn’d with the sudden Stroke, but that the Arrow had not enter’d deep; that the Wound had been search’d, and taken due Care of; that every Thing would go well, and that they might expect to see their Emperor again very soon. By this Means most of the Army were kept in Ignorance of what had happen’d, and the Battle was prolong’d till Night. At length the Alectorians quite spent with Labour, and the Wounds they had receiv’d, retir’d into their Camp, and a Truce of a few Days Continuance was agreed upon, in order to bury the dead Bodies. In the mean Time, as I found that there was need of some other Stratagem to subdue the Alectorians, I order’d our Musket-Ball to be cast into small Shot. This Project was attended with so good Success, that at our next Encounter the Alectorians came tumbling down apace, and one Half of the Army perish’d in a miserable Manner: Those that were left seeing this, threw down their Arms, and begg’d for Peace. The Arctonians and Kispucians follow’d their Example, and committed themselves, their Arms, and Fortresses to our Mercy. Matters being thus brought to a happy Issue, I call’d a Council, and address’d them in the following Harangue.
“Gentlemen and Fellow-Soldiers, I do not doubt but most of you are well acquainted, how earnestly I dissuaded our most Serene Emperor from this Expedition; but his innate Fortitude and Magnanimity would not permit him to remain idle at home, while his faithful Subjects were exposing their Lives abroad in his Defence. I can truly say, that this is the only Request which his Imperial Majesty ever refus’d to grant me. How happy should I have thought myself had he refus’d me every Thing besides, and only been indulgent to me in this! For then we should not have known that Calamity that now hangs over us, our Return into the Imperial City would have been truly triumphant, and our Joys for our Success would have been pure and unmix’d. I cannot, nor indeed ought I, any longer conceal from you that fatal Accident which has thus dash’d all our Happiness. Attend then to the dreadful News: Your Emperor, while he was gallantly fighting for his Subjects, was pierc’d by an Arrow in the Battle, and now lies breathless in his Tent. What Grief, what Anguish must not the Loss of such a Prince occasion? I can easily make a Judgment of your Sorrows from what I feel myself. But let us not give Way to Despondency: Death, to such a Hero, is not the End of Life, but only the Period of Mortality. We have not wholly lost our Emperor, since he has left two Princes behind, form’d after the Example of the best of Parents, and who inherit their Father’s Virtues, as well as his Dominions. You cannot, therefore, be so properly said to change your King, as the bare Name of King. And since the eldest Prince, Timuso, is by Right of Primogeniture to be promoted to his Father’s Throne, I shall henceforth derive my Authority from him. He it is to whom we ought to swear Allegiance, and to whom we will now pay Homage.”