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A Lover's Diary, Volume 2.

Chapter 46: THE MEMORY
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About This Book

A sequence of lyrical poems traces yearning, memory, and mourning through romantic and spiritual images, shifting between dreams, maritime and bridal metaphors, and encounters with absence and the dead. The speaker alternates between ardent declaration, shame and repentance, and stoic acceptance, exploring sacrifice, fidelity, and the persistence of love beyond loss. The collection moves from intimate inward confession to universal meditations on art, memory, and final reconciliation, often ending in quiet envoy-like reflections on reunion or solitude.

GOOD WAS THE FIGHT

          How have I toiled, how have I set my face
          Fair to the swords! No man could say I quailed;
          Ne'er did I falter; I dare not to have failed,
          I dare not to have dropped from out the race.

          Good was the fight—good, till a piteous dream
          Crept from some direful covert of despair;
          Showed me your look, that look so true and fair,
          Distant and bleak; for me no more to gleam.

          Then was I driven back upon my soul,
          Then came dark moments; lady, then I drew
          Forth from its place the round unfathomed bowl

          Of sorrow, and from it I quaffed to you;
          Speaking as men speak who have lost
          Their hearts' last prize—and dare not count the cost.

UNCHANGED

          But you are here unchanged. You say not so
          In words, but when you placed your hands in mine;
          But when I saw the same old glory shine
          Within your eyes, I read it; and I know.

          And when those hands ran up along my arm,
          And rested on my shoulder for a space,
          A sacred inquisition in your face,
          To read my heart, how could I doubt that charm,

          That truth ineffable!—I set my soul
          In hazard to a farthing, that you kept
          The faith, with pride unspeakable, the whole

          Course of those years in which communion slept.
          Your soul flamed in your look; you read; I knew
          How little worth was I, how heavenly you.

ABSOLVO TE

          I read your truth. You read—What did you read?
          Did you read all, and, reading all, forgive?
          How I—O little dwarf of conscience sieve
          My soul; bare all before her bare indeed!

          And, looking on the remnant and the waste,
          Can you absolve me,—me, the doubter, one
          Who challenged what God spent His genius on,
          His genius and His pride; so fair, so chaste?

          I am ashamed. . . . And when I told my dreams,
          Shaken and humble,—"Dear, there was no cause,"
          Your words; proud, sorrowful, as it beseems

          Such as thou art. There never was a cause
          Why you should honour me. Ashamed am I.
          And you forgive me, bless me, for reply.

BENEDICTUS

          You bless me, then you turn away your head—
          "Never again, dear. I have blessed you so,
          My lips upon your lips; between must flow
          The river—Oh the river!" Thus you said.

          The river—Oh the river, and the sun;
          Stream that we may not cross, sun that is joy:
          Flow as thou must; shine on in full employ—
          Shine through her eyes thou; let the river run.

          O lady, to your liegeman speak. You say:
          "Dream no more dreams; yourself be as am I"
          Your hands clasped to your face, so shutting out the day.

          An instant, then to me, your low good-bye—
          Good-night, good-bye; and then the social reign,
          The lights, the songs, the flowers—and the pain.

THE MESSAGE

          "Oh, hush!" you said; "oh, hush!" The twilight hung
          Between us and the world; but in your face,
          Flooding with warm inner light, the sovereign grace
          Of one who rests the brooding trees among—

          Of one who steps down from a lofty throne,
          Seeking that peace the sceptre cannot call;
          And leaving courtier, page, and seneschal,
          Goes down the lane of sycamores alone;

          And, going, listens to the notes that swell
          From golden throats—stories of ardent days,
          And lovers in fair vales; and homing bell:

          And the sweet theme unbearable, she prays
          The song-bird cease! So, on the tale I dare,
          Your "hush!" your wistful "hush!" broke like prayer.

UNAVAILING

          "Never," you said, "never this side the grave,
          And what shall come hereafter, who may know?
          Whether we e'en shall guess the way we go,
          Passing beneath Death's mystic architrave

          Silence or song, dumb sleep or cheerful hours?"
          O lady, you have questioned, answer too.
          You—you to die—silence and gloom for you:
          Dead song, dead lights, dead graces, and dead flowers?

          It is not so: the foolish trivial end,
          The inconsequent paltry Nothing—gone—gone all;
          The genius of the ageless Something spend

          Itself within this little earthly wall:
          The commonplace conception, that we reap
          Reward of drudge and ploughman—idle sleep!

YOU SHALL LIVE ON

          You shall live on triumphant, you shall take
          Your place among the peerless, fearless ones;
          And those who loved you here shall tell their sons
          To honour every woman for your sake.

          And those your Peers shall say, "Others are pure,
          Others are noble, others too have vowed,
          And for a vow have suffered; but she bowed
          Her own soul and another's to endure.

          She smote the being more to her than all,—
          Her own soul and the world,—a truth to hold,
          Faith with the dead; and hung a heavy pall

          'Tween her and love and life. The world is old,
          It hath sent here none queenlier. Of the few,
          The royal few is she, martyred and true."

"VEX NOT THIS GHOST"

          Upon the rack of this tough world I hear,
          As when Cordelia's glories all dissever-
          "Never—never—never—never—never,—"
          That wild moan of the dispossessed Lear.

          O world, vex not this ghost, yea, let it pass,
          The Spirit of these songs. The fool hath mocked,
          The fool our woe upon us hath unlocked
          From where the soul holds to our lips the glass,

          To see what breath of life. O fool, poor fool,
          Well, we have laughed together, you and I.
          O fond insulter, in the healing pool

          Of your deep poignant raillery I lie.
          Let us be grand again, my fool. The throne
          Is gone; but see, the coronation stone!

THE MEMORY

          Know you where I, my royal fool, was crowned?
          A rock within the great Egean? Where
          A strong flood hurrieth on Finistere?
          Where at the Pole our valiant men were drowned?

          Where the soft creamy wash of Indian seas
          Spreads palmward? Where the sunset glides to dawn,
          No night between? Where all the tides are drawn
          To greet their Sun and bathe their Idol's knees?

          Where was I crowned? Dear fool, upon a stone
          That standeth where Earth's arches make but one,
          Where all the banners of her soul were flown,

          And trumpeted the legions of the sun.
          The stone is left: 'tis here against the door
          Of throne and kingdom. . . . Pray you, mock no more.

THE PASSING

          A time will come when we again shall rail—
          Not yet, not yet. The flood comes on apace,
          That deep dividing river, and her face
          Grows dimmer as it widens—pale, so pale.

          Have we not railed and laughed these many days,
          Mummers before the lights? Dear fool, your hand
          Upon your lips—Oh let us once be grand,
          Grand as we were when treading royal ways.

          Lo, there she moves beyond the river. Gone—
          Gone is the sun-lo, starlight in her eyes.
          See, how she standeth silent and alone—

          Oh, hush! let us not vex her with our cries.
          Proud as of old, unto my throne I go. . . .
          Cordelia's gone…… Hush, draw the curtain—so.

ENVOY

          When you and I have played the little hour,
          Have seen the tall subaltern Life to Death
          Yield up his sword; and, smiling, draw the breath,
          The first long breath of freedom; when the flower

          Of Recompense has fluttered to our feet,
          As to an actor's; and the curtain down,
          We turn to face each other all alone—
          Alone, we two, who never yet did meet,

          Alone, and absolute, and free: oh, then,
          Oh, then, most dear, how shall be told the tale?
          Clasped hands, pressed lips, and so clasped hands again;

          No words. But as the proud wind fills the sail,
          My love to yours shall reach, then one deep moan
          Of joy; and then our infinite Alone.