12. FINAL FANTOMS, OR DUBBLERS OV FINAL FORMS.
How manny final fantoms, in articculating shape, must Truiths torch beam away! how manny dubblers ov a singuel clozer, espescially l, f, s, and c! az ill, off, ass, back; so err, inn, ebb, add, odd, egg: really no more, nor capabel ov being more, dhan il, of, as, bac; er, in, eb, ad, od, eg. Shall, for shal, doz addiscional mischief, by inviting ignorance to' brauden dhe vowel.
13. ODDHER FALSIFIERS, MEDIAL OR FINAL, OV LICQUIDS OR SIBBILANTS; PARTICCULARLY, TI FOR A SIBBILACION.
Our misrepprezented consonants seem reducibel to' dheze. 1. Licquid for licquid: l for r, in dhe French colonel for dhe Inglish curnel; n for m, in dhe unutterabel Banff, for dhe good town ov Bamf. Here too may enter for explozion, dhe n ov dhe indeffinite artikel, hweddher before a licquefaccion or an aspiracion; nedher ov hwich iz a vowel: so can we no more say an unicorn dhan an horse, for a unicorn or a horse. 2. Direct for depressive; f for v, in of for ov; s for z, in as, has, was, is, his; for az, haz, waz, iz, hiz: in dhe verbs, house, use, peruse, abuse, excuse, amuse, like muse, noun or verb; chuse or choose, widh dhe dubbly fallacious lose and vase: for houz (like brouz), uze, peruze, abuze, excuze, amuze, muze, chuze or chooz, looz, and vauz. Dhe verbs dhus, duly sevvered from dhe nouns, lead to' distinguish dhe verb refuze from dhe adjective refuse, az wel az from dhe substantive reffuse. Profuze and profuse, diffuze and diffuse, ar simmilarly distinguishabel. Az we saw s play dubbel z in visit and vision, for vizzit and vizzion; so see we dubbel s for z in dhe middel, and for won s in dhe end ov possess, for pozes; hwich hwile oppozite stres secures to' dhe ear from dhe formative ov poze, az cares from dhat ov care, dhe context may wel guide dhe eye ov attension to' dhe undouted meaning. No wonder if dhe direct figgure ov dhe sibbilant frenchly rose, and occasionally rises, for dhe depressive reallity; s for z in rose and rises, occasionally between vowels; for occazionally roze and rizes; nay for dhe dubbel depressive in risen, for rizzen. Dhis rivals indeed Stephen for Steven, and even nephew for nevvew. If Stephanus pretended to' pattronize dhe won, neveu (not nepos) must command dhe oddher.
But dhe French acaddemy, so exemplary in evvery exhibiscion ov its language, set nohwere so fatal or so followed an exampel, az in pretending to' conjure ti into' si before a vowel: a combinacion indeed! hwich Inglish picturage ventured onely to' constitute, raddher substitute, a sibbilant aspirate; dhe same groop condition prezenting in won picturage condicion; and dhence in dhe oddher condiscion. Yet French led not Inglish into' dhe dissolucion ov x into' ct, in flexion, reflexion; hwich dhe former nevver violated into' flection, reflection, or dhe like.
14. DHE ORTHOGGRAPHY OV PROPPER NAMES.
Innocent howevver wer oddher tungs ov mispainting, az ov mispronouncing dhe dental aspirate; hwich not attempting to' substanciate even direct, far les depressive, dhey aught not, at least need not, to' paint at all: az dhe French Tomas, if les like hiz parent dhan Thomas, wood be so much liker himself; hwile Tommas alone can tel Inglish truith.
But dhat Tommas, dho a gennerous confessor ov conviccion, iz not dhe alone Brittish truith-teller; dhat he iz rivalled indeed by evvery oddher propper aincient and moddern, can be no novvelty to' anny crittic ov litterary natturalizement; hoo must onnor at wonce dhe, hware possibel, prezerved ennergy ov orrigin; and dhe inviolate prezzervacion ov Inglish anallogy; in dhe unchainged compannions ov Euphrates, Darius, Heraclitus, Berea, Thalia, and dhe rest; az wel az in dhe irreffragabel buties ov Horrace, Terrence, Cezar, Ciscero, Senneca, Soccrates, Democcritus, Empeddocles, Heroddotus, no les dhan ov Jon, Phillip, Robbert, Parris, widh Hellen, Elizzabeth, and dheir oddher Anglicized frends.
15. DHE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPEL OV ORTHOGGRAPHY.
Such iz dhe system ov Inglish Orthoggraphy, braught widhin dhe compas ov a few pages, on dhe unfailing principel, hwich aught to' govvern evvery plan ov litterary improovment: first, to' make no chainge dhat can rascionally be avoided; and dhen to' make precisely evvery variacion, from vulgar practice, dhat can be demonstrated indispensabel. Nor iz dhis aught else dhan a completed minniature ov Inglish Propriety ascertained in her picture: two quarto-vollumes graciously received by hiz prezzent Brittish Madjesty, from dhe same umbel hands; at St. Jameses, in 1786.
DHE END.
THE ORTHOGRAPHIC RIDDLE.
PREFACE.
These emanations of the British Muse,
Where English thoughts could English dress refuse,
Were once presented to another press,
Though thence borne back, as hopeless of success.
What honest critic e'er could credit eligible,
Riddles to his researches unintelligible?
When ready caution guards the lit'rate realm,
Never shall foreign floods these isles o'erwhelm:
Orthography the mother-tongue shall give,
Ever, as every where, with Truth to live;
Truth, Reason, Beauty shall o'erspread the nation;
Shall solve the Riddle, with one contemplation.
The public monitor of truth,
Sworn enemy to what's uncouth,
With blockheads similarly spells,
(Orthography with pleasure tells)
That thus the force of ridicule
Should laugh the learned back to school.
What then should cause that laughter strange?
What should occasion gen'ral change?
Orthography the answer gives,
To satisfy whoever lives.
The honest will confess the pity,
Court, country, citadel with city;
That ancients, with the giddy young,
Should study still the Latin tongue;
Should leave to levity, to dolour,
The unproficient English scholar;
Should give the very stranger dread,
Of gibberish, that ne'er was read;
That ne'er was heard, without derision,
Eschewing ocular revision.
This one example well will prove,
Will lib'ral laughter doubtless move:
When Pedantry shall cease to swell,
Honour'd Humility will spell.
The beauty then, of British truth,
Resistless shall enamour youth;
Shall evidence th' asseveration,
Throughout th' etymologic nation;
That one poetic exhibition
Could, without lit'ral intuition,
Fill ev'ry literary article,
Though never spell one single particle:
Could faithfully the whole present,
Without[5] once shad'wing what were meant.
DHE SOLUCION OV DHE ORTHOGRAPPHIC RIDDEL.
PREFFACE.
Dheze emmanacions ov dhe Brittish Muze,
Hware Inglish thaughts cood Inglish dres refuze,
Wer wonce prezented to' anoddher pres,
Dho dhence bor'n bac az hopeles ov succes.
Hwat onnest crittic ehr cood creddit elligibel,
Riddels to' hiz reserches unintelligibel?
Hwen steddy caucion gards dhe litt'rate relm,
Nevver shal forrain fluds dheze iles o'rhwelm:
Orthoggraphy dhe moddher-tung shal guiv,
Evver, az evv'rihware, widh Truith to' liv;
Truith, Rezon, Buty shal o'rspred dhe nacion;
Shal solv dhe Riddel, widh won contemplacion.
Dhe pubblic monnitor ov truith,
Swor'n ennemy to' hwat'z uncooth,
Widh blockheds simmilarly spels,
(Orthoggraphy widh plezzure tels)
Dhat dhus dhe foarce ov riddicule
Shood laf dhe lerned bac to' scool.
Hwat dhen shood cauz dhat lafter strainge?
Hwat shood occazion genn'ral chainge?
Orthoggraphy dhe anser guivs,
To' sattisfy hooevver livs.
Dhe onnest wil confes dhe pitty,
Coart, contry, cittadel widh citty;
Dhat aincients, widh dhe guiddy yong,
Shood studdy stil dhe Lattin tung;
Shood leve to' levvity, to' dollor,
Dhe unprofiscient Inglish scollar;
Shood guiv dhe verry strainger dred,
Ov guibberish, dhat nehr waz red;
Dhat nehr waz herd widhout derizzion,
Eskewing occular revizzion.
Dhis won exampel wel wil proov,
Wil libb'ral lafter doutles moov:
Hwen Peddantry shal cese to' swel,
Onnor'd Humillity wil spel.
Dhe buty dhen, ov Brittish truith,
Rezistles shal enammor yooth;
Shal evvidence dh' assevveracion,
Thro'out dh' etymmolodgic nacion;
Dhat won poettic exhibiscion
Cood, widhout litt'ral intuiscion,
Fil evv'ry litterary artikel,
Dho nevver spel won singuel partikel:
Cood faithfoolly dhe hoal prezent,
Widhout[6] wonce shadd'wing hwat wer ment.
NOTES
[1] If not vulgarized from batteller.
[2] Ov mow dhe vowel and servile coalesce, (az in sow,) into' a dipthong, in dhe compound noun barley-mow.
[3] From dhe old barbarous French isle[4], faulte, voulte, recepte, debte, doubte; parfaict, vraidict: now duly île, faute, voute, recette, dette, doute, parfait, and vraidit from verè dictum.
[4] Inglish propriety, and indeed common-sense, must also protest against two' late misnomers: Th'isleworth for Thistelworth; and dhe forrain affectacion ov St. Mary la bonne (or even borne) for Marribone.
[5] Without one particle, representing what is read.
[6] Widhout won partikel, repprezenting hwat iz red.