A New Catalogue of Vulgar Errors

By letting him taste a little of the Kernel, without keeping him too long in the disagreeable Part of getting off the Outside of the Walnut, he would make a much quicker Progress; as he would find, that the Trouble he had underwent would be rewarded with such Pleasure, as nothing but the Idea of Business, or Force, which accompanies it, could render tiresome. It will be objected here, that nothing can be done without these Grammar Rules, and that however disagreeable they may be, they are what must be gone through, in order to make good Scholars. To which I answer, First, that common Grammar not only may be, but is, contracted into a much less Compass than is generally made use of. Nay, I will go farther: A certain Clergyman, whose Name it is needless to mention here, was determined to try if he could not teach a Boy Latin and Greek, without any Grammar at all; and he chose to try the Experiment first upon his own Son, who seems to be about twelve Years of Age. The Boy can now construe any Latin or Greek, that is tolerably easy, very readily. And I make no Doubt, but as the World grows wiser, they will reduce Grammar into a shorter Compass still than ever has been done yet. The Grounds of Musick, are to the full as dry as the Rules of Latin Grammar; and it was formerly a great Work to teach Youth the Rules of Composition; Nevertheless, they have lately found out a much shorter Way of going to Work, and every one now begins to have a little Smattering of Composition; which they attain to by reading those little Pamphlets, which have been wrote lately upon that Subject.

I heard a Gentleman say, that he learned more of Composition, by reading a little short Thing of Pasquali's, than he could acquire by having a Master, who taught by the old Method, in a couple of Years: It is the very same in Grammar, and indeed, it is the same in all Sciences. There is an easy Way of doing every Thing, if we could but find it out; and if any Thing appears difficult, it is, because we are in a wrong Method.

XX.

That teaching Boys Bawdy Books, will make them religious Men and good Clergymen.

Though most of the greatest Geniusses among the Ancients, have touched upon that String; and though, reading the Works of the great Poets, who have wrote in that Style, does ripen the Genius, and teach Lads an elegant Expression, as well as set them forward in the Languages; yet, I cannot come into the Opinion, that Youth, especially those who are intended for the Church, should be suffered to read the Composition of such a Master of Intrigue, as Ovid; or some of the Odes of such a Libertine, as Horace.

An English Reader will understand my Meaning, when I tell him, that some of the common School-books, which Boys learn at the Age of Sixteen, are more lewd than any Thing in Rochester's Poems.

For though this Lord was pretty plain in his Expressions, and his Composition is quite Spiritoso, yet his Works may rather be said to instruct a Person in the Science of Wickedness, than to stir him up to it.

The Case is very different with regard to such a Writer as Ovid. He had the great Advantage of calling in the Religion of the Times to his Assistance, when he had a mind to be more wicked than ordinary: He could make the most lewd and profligate Scenes appear sacred Mysteries, by giving them the pious Title of the Rites of Venus. Then there is a Softness through all his Works, which attacks the Heart with a seeming harmless Familiarity, and differs very much from the Air of Rochester; whose Strokes may be compared to the smutty ones which Hogarth has given us, in some of his Paintings; while those of Ovid have the alluring Attitude of a Venus de Medicis.

Pardon, Reader, if I transgress a little, by owning, that I have seen such a Book as Rochester's Poems long ago; and you will the more easily excuse me, when I tell you, that I was taught such a Book as Ovid at School. What has been said about these Books, is intended to shew the Impropriety of using such Authors in a School: And a Clergyman need not be ashamed of owning, that he has read even an Atheistical Book: For how should any Person be able to confute an Author, unless he first peruses his Work, in order to know the Fallacy of the Arguments, which are made use of in it? After that, he may fairly endeavour to say something against it, but not before.

What I would here urge is, that Boys might have many entertaining, useful Books put into their Hands, which may be very elegant, and yet very innocent; without stirring up their Passions to a higher Pitch, than Nature has intended, by letting them into the History of the Amours which were carried on among the ancient Romans, who were, if possible, more lascivious than the modern; as Rome was at that Time of a larger Extent, and more wealthy, and consequently more able to carry on the Schemes of Vice, than at present.

When Ovid wrote, the Romans might be said to be at the Height of their Luxury, in which they were not a little improved by their Eastern Expeditions. And tho' Ovid's Epistles, which are more usually taught at School, than his other Works, are modest enough in themselves, and would be proper enough for grown up People to read, being nothing but a polite Correspondence between Lovers of Distinction; yet there is something so tender in the Style of them, that they are apt to give Youth a Turn for Love Affairs, rather sooner than they would have, if Nature was left to itself.

For tho' the Soil of England is fertile, and it may be called a fine, flourishing Country; yet, the Weather we have here is rough most Part of the Year, and in many Parts of it, the Air is chill, and unwholesome; and on that Account, nothing but the hardy Diversions, which are generally followed by Youth, such as Hunting, and the like, can ever keep them in Health. Excess of Venery would agree much better with any Constitution, in the soft Atmospere of Italy, than amongst the rough Blasts of Old England; so that if we give way so their Vices, we shall soon find that our Constitutions will not endure any such Excess of Pleasure, as the Italians are able to sustain more easily on Account of the Mildness of their Climate, and the Frame of their Constitutions. Not that I would be thought to justify Lewdness and Debauchery in Italy, any more than in England. I only endeavour to shew the double Impropriety of suffering English Youth, to be acquainted with the Vices of the Italians.

I am for having an Edition of Horace printed, which shall contain only such of his Odes as do not touch upon the Affair of Love. It is in vain to say that Boys need only be taught the modest Part of his Works; for if they are taught only the modest Odes by their Masters, they will be sure to read the bawdy ones by themselves.

But if I was to offer ever so many just Reasons, for the Confirmation of what has been here said, I am afraid it would be exceeding difficult to persuade any one to leave a Track, which they have long been used to.

XXI.

That the present Age is a duller Age, and less ingenious, than those which are past.

This Error is owing to those Harangues, which the old People entertain their Posterity with, over the Fire in the Winter, about what was done in their Time, and what clever Fellows they themselves were in their Youth, and how much the Age declines, &c. In short, an old Man, as Horace describes him, is Laudator Temporis acti se Puero. But we must beg Leave to tell these venerable Declaimers, that however they may be wrapped up in the Greatness of their own Exploits, England never could boast a brighter Age, nor perhaps so bright a one, as she can at present; and we challenge any one who contradicts it, to tell us, if the Ancients were greater Geniusses than the Moderns, in what Art or Science it was, that they did so greatly outstrip us. Perhaps such a Person might begin first, and say, that they excelled us greatly in Carving and Painting. With regard to these I acquiesce, and do acknowledge, that the Art of Carving is not in such Perfection as in former Ages, because it is not practised, and is not the present fashionable Ornament of Houses; and we do likewise acknowledge, that the Art of Painting on Glass is very near lost, and is not likely to be revived whilst the Window-tax continues.

We agree, I say, that the Arts of Carving, and Painting upon Glass, are almost extinct; and allowing that former Ages excelled the present in Painting in general, yet, What are these few Polite Arts? They are quite insignificant, when compared to the vast Improvements, which have been made in many other really useful Branches: In Agriculture, in Navigation, in War, in gaining Settlements in foreign Countries, in Trading to those Settlements, in Printing, in carrying on Correspondence by Posts, in Roads, in Carriages, in the Breed of Horses, in Manufactures, and in numberless other Articles, too tedious to mention.

It must be acknowledged, that for all these Improvements, we are obliged to the Arts and Sciences. They are as it were the first moving Force of Power in any Country; and if we take a Survey of all the Nations of the Earth, we shall find, that those Monarchs, who encourage Learning, and support Academies, are able to extend their Dominions farther than those, who, by a total Attention to Military Discipline, (though even that too depends upon the Sciences) neglect the Cultivation of that Learning, upon the Support of which, the Extension of their Dominions to foreign Parts depends. It is to the Invention of Astronomers, Mechanics, and Opticians, that we owe the principal Instruments, which are made Use of in Navigation; to their Ingenuity we owe the Quadrant, without which we should never know our Latitude; to these we are indebted for the Telescope, by which we discover Jupiter's Satellites, and find out our Longitude; to these we owe the Explanation of the Compass; to these the Contrivances of Pullies, by which we hale up our Tackling. In short, all the Inventions, which we find in the different Machines made Use of, either by Land or Water, though by long Use they are become familiar in the Hands of illiterate Persons, were no doubt originally contrived by the Study and Ingenuity of Men of Science at Home. And if Nature should shew her dislike to a Stagnation, and express her wonted Approbation of a Vicissitude in Human Affairs; who knows, but when the Sciences are forgot in this Kingdom, and we, by that Means, lose the Art of exerting that Force, which must keep up the Dignity of England over her Colonies; who knows (which Heaven avert!) but America may see herself the Mistress of the World, and the Seat of Empire, whilst we are reduced once more to the State of unletter'd Savages; and shall in vain discharge our feeble Arrows, and cast our ill-directed Javelins, against the Sides of their perhaps Five Hundred Gun Ships of War: Or the great Mogul, with his prodigious Armies, for Want of these Arts and Sciences abovementioned, and for no other Reason, may one Day or other find himself dethroned by a Prince, who will be able to reach him, though his Dominions do lie on the other Side of an unfathomable Sea.

And if these Vicissitudes should in Process of Time happen, they will be no other than what have been before. What is become of Palmyra? Where is Troy? The stately Palaces of Troy are removed into the peaceful Habitation of the once Arcadian Shepherds. And if the Disposer of all Things should so order it, Daphnis and Menalcas, may again sing their rural Songs on the very Spot, where now the Seraglio of the Grand Signior seems to bid Defiance to a whole Continent.

Though there is a large Scope for Dissertation, on the various Improvements of different Kinds, which have been made in almost all Branches, both of Science and Commerce, it cannot be expected, (even supposing the Author capable of such a Task) that they should all be brought into a Work of this Nature, as we have already enlarged more upon this Subject, than was at first intended. However, as it is a disputed Point, whether the Science of Music is improved or not, we shall beg Leave to say a little upon that Subject. And as Music is a Science, which, though it is not equal to some others in Utility, falls short of none, for the innocent Entertainment which it affords to those, who are so happy as to be formed by Nature, with Organs for the Enjoyment of it; we will venture to make it the Subject of the next Chapter. And we think it is an Error to affirm,

XXII.

That the Musical Composition of this present Age is inferior to that of the last.

Though we are very sensible that we shall have a Multitude of Mouths open against us, for being so hardy as to assert what will be the Contents of this Chapter, and shall be exclaimed against by many, who never yet came to the Knowledge of any other Music than Corelli's Sonatas, which must indeed be allowed to be almost the Foundation of Music; and though all those Performers who live in the Country, and either through Business at Home, or other Reasons, have not had the Opportunity of hearing the best modern Music performed in Town, and having tried some of the worst of it over by themselves, upon their Instruments, and finding the Execution of it too difficult for their Performance, on Account of their being unacquainted with the modern Manner of bowing and fingering, together with a total Mistake of the Air and Manner, in which the Composition set before them ought to be played: All these Obstacles put together, I say, are apt to induce such, as are not very ready at Sight, and labour under the aforesaid Inconveniences, to pronounce all Modern Music, of what Kind soever, (taking it all in the Lump, as one would do Soap or Tallow) to be exceeding bad and foolish, and therefore not worth a Gentleman's Attention.

Now begging Pardon first, for the ill Manners of Contradiction, I shall take the liberty to offer a few reasonable Arguments, to shew, that tho' there has lately been a great deal of very bad Music performed, yet there has likewise been published a great Variety of exceeding fine Composition.

Without mentioning the Names of the Composers, or the Names of their Music, we shall endeavour to give some substantial Reasons, why the present Composition, should excel that of those, who wrote in those Times when Masters were but newly become acquainted with the Laws of Harmony.

The Case is the same in Music as it is in all other Matters; we find that all Arts have the greater Improvements made in them, the longer they have been introduced into any Country, and the more they are followed. This is natural; because the more Hands a Science has to go through, the greater Chance it has to meet with Men of Ingenuity in its Progress, who may forward it towards Perfection. What a sorry Appearance would an ancient Galley make against one of our First-rate Men of War, either in Sailing or Fighting? Or if it had been possible for Julius Cæsar, with all his Romans, when they invaded Britain, to have met with a Forty Gun Ship, they would have been all sunk by a few Broad Sides. This is a Truth that every one will acknowledge; and it is as true, that the present Musicians do very much excel those who lived some Time ago.

Masters of Music, by Practice, have lately found out a better, easier, and stronger Way of Performing upon their several Instruments, than was formerly known; and to this new and better Method of Performance they have composed suitable Music, which admits of greater Execution, greater Variety of Expression, and a better Tone, than could be brought out of Instruments before such Improvements were made. And we find that Geminiani, who was a close Follower of Corelli, has thought proper to make Concertos of what Corelli intended for Solos; well knowing, that though the Ground of them was exceeding fine, yet they were very capable of being improved by adding Parts to them, and adorning them with what might be called, at that Time, modern Embellishments and Graces.

And if one of so small Judgment as myself, may say any Thing about the Composition of so great a Genius as Geminiani, I will venture to think, that we have Masters now living, who are capable of taking some of the ancient Stiffness of Style from that great Composer, and giving him a more easy, free, and flowing Air; without taking from the Greatness of the Subject, or varying from the Groundwork of the Harmony, in the least.

For the Intent of Music is not to puzzle People's Heads, by consisting of intricate Harmony, and stiff Mathematical Transitions from one Key to another; by that Means, it would become the most dry and insipid of all Sciences, and fit for none but Pedants. No, the sole Intent of Music is to give Pleasure, which it is more likely to do, by the Freedom and Ease of its Transitions, and the Softness of its flowing Numbers, than by a stiff, starched, and over formal Composition.

The present Musicians excel the ancient ones, as much as the modern Ladies do those of former Times in Dress; and their Compositions differ as much from those which were played some Time ago, as the elegant Ease of a modern Lady's Shape, excels the stiff Stays and monstrous Hoop Petticoats of those who had the Honour to be the Grand-mothers of the present Age; and which are apt to give us the Idea of an Engagement of a different Nature from one where Cupid is supposed to preside: It rather puts us in Mind of something Martial, and makes us almost ready to apprehend we are going to exchange Hardiment, as Shakespeare calls it, instead of railing our Expectations into a Duel of another Nature.

Having now shewn our utter Aversion to Stays, we will return to our Subject. And we hope the Reader will pardon the Digression, as this is not the first Time that a Pair of Stays have made a Man turn out of his Road.

But there is another Reason why the modern Music should excel the ancient; and that is, the Difference in the Make and and Length of the Bow with which a Violin is struck. Violins are the Sinews of a Concert; they are, as it were, the main Body of a Band of Music; they are the Roman Legions of the Army; while the other Instruments are Slingers, Archers, and Light-horse. Now in the Time of Corelli, who must be allowed to be the Father of Harmony, the Bows were not above half so long as they are at present, neither were they so well shaped, either at the Heel or Point, nor had they the Spring which the Bows now made have. So that a Piece of Music which is calculated for the modern Manner of Bowing, could not have gone off so well in former Times: They had not the Power of swelling a Note out, in Imitation of the Human Voice, which may be done with a modern Bow; and the old Bows were so aukwardly made, that they could not be held at the End, but were obliged to be kept in a Kind of Ballance towards the Middle; and we may guess what spudding Work it must be, when there were not above a Couple of Inches in a Bow which could be conveniently used. However, these little short Bows suited very well for even Semiquavers and Quavers, of which we find the old Music chiefly to consist. So that we by no Means call in Question the Abilities of the Composers who lived at that Time; since it appears, that they composed their Music suitable to the Instruments which they had to perform it upon. No; we have a due Reverence for the Memory of those very great Geniusses; and are fully persuaded, that if it was possible for them to live again, with the Advantages which the Moderns enjoy the Benefit of, they would excel not only what they have done themselves, but likewise what any one else has done.

XXIII.

That the Hearing of Musical Performances, is apt to soften Men too much, and by that Means, to give them an effeminate Manner.

Whether this Error proceeds from the Idea of that Facility with which Music is able to stir up a Variety of Passions in the Heart, annexed to the Idea of that Disposition which appears to be stronger in Women than in Man, and is called the Weakness of the Sex; or whether it proceeds from a Notion that Pity and Sorrow, and the like, are Passions which are not worthy the Breast of a Man, and are only fit for the timorous Constitution of Women, it favours equally of Absurdity and Barbarity in both Cases.

For so far is Pity from denoting any Cowardice or Effeminacy, that it is a certain Indication of a great Soul; we find it frequently mentioned among the most conspicuous Virtues, with which the Heroes among the Ancients were said to be endued. And with regard to the Passions, which are raised by Music in the Heart it depends upon the Nicety of the Feelings in the Nerves of the Hearer; and we cannot help observing, that Men of the greatest Sensibility are generally Persons of the strictest Honour and the most exalted Courage.

As for those who are so unfortunate as not to be formed by Nature for the Reception of harmonious Sounds, we do not entirely give them up: But we refer the Reader to a Passage, which he will find in the Merchant of Venice, and which, tho' the Observation may hold good in some Cases, yet, we must beg to be excused inserting the Words here, as we think the Remark is rather too severe and too general, and was introduced by the Poet chiefly with an Intent to set his malicious Jew off in the most odious Light, who had been declaring, that he detested the vile Squeaking of the Wry-neck'd Fife, and ordered his ^[1]Windows to be shut up, that the Sound of them might not be heard in his House. And if the old Poet is a little severe in this Place, he does it principally with an Intention to divest the Audience of any Compassion, which might otherwise be stirred up in their Minds by the Misfortunes which will attend Shylock in the following Scenes; and by that Means the Plot turns out according to the Wish of the Spectators. This is one of those Preparations of the ensuing Scene for which Shakespeare is so notorious, and which may be observed in all his Plays. But to return to our Subject; it seems that those People who have Organs for the Reception of Musical Sounds, are affected with such Passions as the Composer of good Music intends to excite in them. And we believe that the Constitution of a Hearer may be moulded and formed into various Shapes by the different Airs which he hears; and moreover, if a Person was always to be accustomed to soft, effeminate Music, we agree that it might render his Constitution effeminate likewise; but as there are such great Variety of different Movements, which are adapted to different Songs, all which raise different Passions in the Mind, it is very absurd to tax all Music in the Lump with Softness and Effeminacy.

Any one may perceive the Difference of these two Songs, both of which have their Effect when they are well sung.

These Words, which are sung to an Air of Geminiani's, cause a very different Sensation, from these which follow, and are set to a suitable Air:

Whatever the first Song may do, this last is not likely to make any Body effeminate. I mention these two common Songs, because they are what every Reader is capable of digesting, and on that Account are more proper for the Purpose than any of those Songs out of Operas, which are not generally known.

But we beg Leave here to make a necessary Distinction between two Ideas, which are sometimes confounded together, and which is apt to lead People into this Error as much as any Thing.

It would be very proper in us, before we prejudice ourselves against any Art or Science, to be quite clear in the Objections which we raise against it; we should be certain that they are just, and founded upon good Grounds. Some People are apt to confound the Idea of raising the softer Passions, which have their Residence in our Nature, with the Idea of Effeminacy, which, as I said before, are quite distinct. We have an Instance of the Passion of Pity in the well known Picture of Bellisarius. The Hero, who stands in the dejected Attitude, appears to be very much softened by the Misfortunes and Distress to which he sees Bellisarius reduced; and yet no one will say that he is an effeminate Fellow for it; on the contrary, it will be allowed that he shews a Greatness of Soul; he is struck with a contemplative Sorrow at the Misfortunes of a General, whose invincible Courage and great Worth he himself had been Witness of. And Bravery in Distress is not only the Subject of Painting, but it is the constant Theme of Music: The Operas and Oratorios are full of it, and though the Misfortunes of the Heroes which are the Subject of them do soften, yet it is not such a Kind of Softness as to beget any Effeminacy, but of a contrary Nature, and is such a Sensation as an ordinary Hearer will perceive at the Beginning of this common Song, which is well enough in its Way.

If we are to be moved by such a Song as this, what shall we feel at some of the masterly Strokes of Handel in his Oratorio of Samson.

One would think, by the resigned Solemnity of this following Movement,

that he had been reading Milton's Paradise Lost as well as the Samson Agonistes. This seems to be the very Music of the fallen Angels, where he says, they made Use of soft Airs, which inspired true Heroic Bravery, and which he prefers to the noisy, as it was the Cause of a lasting, fixed, and reserved Courage. Milton says, that as soon as the Colours were displayed, they marched to the Sound of Flutes and soft Recorders:

In short, the March in Rinaldo might possibly make Soldiers seize hold of their Arms and March, but it must be such an Air as that in the Overture of Berenice which makes them face an Enemy.

XXIV.

That the Italian Operas consist of effeminate Musick.

Though it must be acknowledged that the Language of Italy is smooth and flowing, and therefore very much adapted to musical Sounds, and though those Songs which are picked out of Operas, and sung by Ladies at Home, are generally the Love Songs in the Opera, being such as best suit the Tastes and Geniussses of such amiable Performers; yet, it is equally an Error to say that Operas are effeminate, or that all the Songs in them are Love Songs. No one will say that Quilici with his Bass Voice, in the Character of Athridates, acted an effeminate Part; he was one of the principal Characters, and acted the Part of a Tyrant, to which the Music was excellently adapted, which was greatly set off by his deep Voice and the proper Carriage of his Person: So when Mattei orders her General to be disarmed, the Majesty of a Queen is admirably supported. Operas are like other Performances of Entertainment; they consist of the sublime, the cruel, the tender, the distressed, the amorous; in short, they must have Variety of Scenes and Incidents in order to make them please the Audience, and are like other Dramatic Pieces, not to be taxed with any particular Style or Mode of Acting, but consist of such Scenes, Plots, Music, and Decorations, as are most likely to give Entertainment to an Audience.

We by no Means defend the Impropriety of a Squeaking Hero, and think that it is a Pity it cannot be altered; however, that Imperfection is generally palliated, by Propriety of Action, treading the Stage well; Greatness of Performance, and many other Excellencies, which those who are much used to hear musical Entertainments will easily discern.

XXV.

That nothing is Poetry but what is wrote in Rhyme.

This may truly be called a vulgar Error, because it is a Mistake of which none but the Vulgar are guilty of. Though there is a Kind of harmonious Jingle in Rhyme, which makes the Composition have an agreeable Sound, yet it is looked upon by all Judges to be the lowest Kind of Poetry. And though Pope, and other great Writers, have succeeded to Admiration in the Improvement of it, yet it is in Reality nothing but the barbarous Remains of the wild Taste of our Ancestors; not to mention how it cramps the Genius of a Writer, after he has hit upon a favourite Thought, to be forced to look out for a Rhyme, which must, in Spite of every Thing that can be said in Favour of it, be exceeding laborious.

And notwithstanding Poets endeavour to hide this Labour and Pains they have been at, and affect to have set down their first Thoughts, yet, as Horace observes, the foul Copy of a good Writer will always have a great Number of Blots and Alterations in it: This is true of all Poetical Composition; but a Poem which is wrote in Rhyme, must, according to the Nature of the Thing, be more laboured than one that is not. And even Prior himself, whose Works are allowed to be all Ease and Elegance, is said to have taken more Pains with his Composition, than any other Writer of Eminence. That very Ease and Elegance, which we perceive in the best Poets, is the Result of great Pains and Study, and is no other than a judicious Choice of Words and Phrases, till they have found some that will suit. And however a Poetical Author may boast of writing his first Thoughts, we cannot possibly have any Testimony of it but his own.

Besides, when we have done all, Verses wrote in Rhyme are nothing near so musical as those which are without it. Where shall we find Verses, among even the best of our English Poets who wrote in Rhyme, which are equal in Smoothness and Harmony to these two Lines in Theocritus?

Or these of Ovid, which, though they are far from being the most smooth in the Book, are however more harmonious than any we can produce now.

Though the first of these Verses makes a Whistling like the Reeds in a River, the last runs so glib, that it is ready to slip from under one before one would have it.

We acknowledge that the Latin Language is a great Help to the Running of a Verse, and if the Reader insists upon that to be the only pre-eminence which Latin Verses have over English, he is very welcome to think as he likes best. Moreover, if he is so fond of Rhyme, we can inform him of a Book which is wrote, in Latin Rhyme, and is very much at his Service: The Title of the Book is Drunken Barnaby; which, as it is wrote in a dead Language, will most likely remain an everlasting Burlesque upon the Barbarity of Rhyme.

But we may venture to go a little farther. It is not necessary for a Work to be wrote in Verse at all to entitle it to the Name of Poetry. Any Work of a fictitious Nature, and which is calculated meerly for Entertainment, has as just a Claim to be stiled Poetical Composition, as one that is wrote in the strictest and most confined Metre; Poetry taking its Name from the Matter of which it is composed, and not from the Length or Sound of its Words; and we may observe, that such Poetry as consists of those Numbers which are least confined in their Metre, is generally the most spirited and sublime. We have an Instance of this in the Writings of Pindar, a Poet of whose Abilities, Horace gives an Account in his Ode,

And indeed we have no Occasion to go any farther for Examples of excellent Poetry wrote in Prose, than some of the Plays in our own Language; Ben Johnson, Congreve, and many more who wrote in Prose, are nevertheless ranked among the Poets.

Reader, when thou seest any Thing in this Book which thou didst know before, it is hoped thou wilt be so candid as to consider, that although thou art sensible of the Errors of other People, yet they themselves may not be sensible of them: Yes, even thou, O! profound Philosopher! mayest have some mistaken Notions of thy own; for what mortal Man can pretend to such Knowledge as never to be mistaken? And we ourselves, while we are endeavouring to rectify the Errors of others in this Book, are as likely to be mistaken as any Body.

However, there is one Reason why a Work of this Nature is likely to give some Entertainment; it treats of such Variety of Subjects, that there is Matter for Argumentation in every Page. And it may be observed too perhaps, that it treats of more Subjects than the Author himself seems too understand; which we do very readily acknowledge: And if a Professor in any of the different Branches which are here treated of, who is better versed in the Nature of the Subject than the Author, thinks proper to rectify any Mistake which may be here made, and does it in a liberal Way, we shall not take it amiss, but perhaps may endeavour to answer him, if we should still differ from him in our Opinion.

On the other Hand, we shall be under no great Apprehensions from the Criticisms of such Readers who have not good Nature enough to be entertained with the Matter of a Book, and only read for the Pleasure of Pointing out the Faults in Public; of which Sort we are very sorry to say that we know too many. These are such Kind of Geniusses as read more out of Parade than with a Design to be entertained; and may read.^[2]——They seldom acquire any Knowledge, having generally bad Memories and confused Heads, devouring every Thing, but digesting Nothing. I tell thee, a Man of true Parts, and sound Memory, will acquire more by reading one Hour, than such Whippersnappers as these are able to attain to by lumbering over a Folio.

XXVI.

That kicking up the Heel behind, and twisting round upon one Leg, is fine Scating.

There are two Methods of Scating, one is made Use of for the Sake of Expedition and Conveyance from Place to Place, and is practised by the Boors or Peasants in Holland; the other is calculated entirely for Amusement, and answers the End of Shining upon the Ice, and therefore is suited for Gentlemen near Towns upon Canals, and broad Pieces of Water. The first of these Methods is performed by throwing the Body into such an erect Posture inclining a little upon the Outside of the Scate, and drawing in the Hip gradually, as will describe small Curve upon the Ice; this Practice of Scating eases the Inside of the Thigh, and rests it in such a Manner as to allow it Time to regain Strength for the next Stroke, and therefore is very useful in long Journies; or else as to the Article of Swiftness, a straight Line will carry a Person on faster than a Curve, because while he is describing a Curve he has more Ground to run over.

The other Method of Scating, which is known in England by the Name of Rolling, is done upon the same Principle as the former, only as you have no Occasion for Expedition, you have an Opportunity of dweling longer upon your Strokes, and your Time; by which Means, instead of describing a small Curve, you describe a large one.

It will be necessary to explain the Cause of this Motion, before we can make the Reader sensible of what we intend to say.

All Bodies that are put into Motion upon the Surface of the Earth, are acted upon by two Forces; namely, a Projectile Force and a Centripetal Force. The Projectile Force is that which is given it by the Hand or Strength of any Person, and the Centripetal Force is that which causes all Bodies to seek the Center of the Earth. For Instance, when a Stone is cast into the Air to any Distance, the Reason why it does not move on to Eternity without stopping (as it ought to do by the Principles of Mechanics) is, because the Centripetal Force keeps continually acting upon it, till it has pulled it down to the Ground again: This serves to explain what is meant by a Centripetal Force.

Now, when a Person scates, he is acted upon by these two Forces, as other Bodies in Motion are. It is the Projectile Force which throws him upon the Outside of the Scate, till he has got quite out of the Center of Gravity, by which Means he would be pulled to the Ground by the Centripetal Force, if he was not supported by the Projectile Force, which is strong enough to make Head against the Centripetal for a little while (in the same Manner as it is able to keep a Stone in the Air till it is spent) and by that Time the Person scating has recovered himself into an erect Posture. This Projectile Force is given by a Stroke of the Foot, inclined to the Plain of the Ice; by which Means, the whole Edge of the Scate takes hold, and is your moving Force; and the more of the Edge of the Scate a Person uses in his Stroke, the easier he will go to himself, and the greater Velocity he will move with: For if he dwells more upon the Heel of the Scate than the Toe, or vice versâ, he not only loses Part of his moving Force, by losing Part of the Edge of his Scate, which is absolutely the moving Force, but he likewise encreases his Friction, which ought to be destroyed as much as possible; and at the same Time loses that Symmetry of Gesture, upon which the Gracefulness of his Attitude depends.

When a Person scates properly, he keeps the Foot that he strikes with in such a Posture upon the Ice, as to make the whole Scate take hold of it sideways, without destroying his progressive Motion; and instead of kicking up his Heel behind, just when he takes Leave of the Ice, with the Foot which has been striking, he gives his Toe a Turn outwards, which not only gives him a genteel Air, being according to the Rules of Dancing, but likewise sends him with twice the Force upon the Outside, as it adds to that Projectile Force which is to make Head against the Centripetal, and to keep him upon his Legs after he has got out of the Center of Gravity; and which uncommon Phœnomenon gives that Surprize and Pleasure to a Beholder, which he perceives at the Sight of a fine Scater.

I mention this, because I have met with those who have obstinately persisted in it, that some Persons who kick up their Heels behind, and strike only with the Toe of their Scate, because they can go a Snail's Gallop upon the Outside, are fine Scaters; when they are making Use of a Method which is repugnant to the very Principles of Mechanics.

XXVII.

That using hard Words and long Sentences, in Discourse or in Writing, is an Indication of Scholarship.

It must be allowed, that good Language is a very great Embellishment, either to a Person's Conversation, or his Writing; but as it is intended only to set off what we have to say to the best Advantage, we should endeavour to use it with such Moderation, as will answer that End, and no more; otherwise, we shall make ourselves appear very ridiculous in the Eyes of Men of Learning and Knowledge.

Good Language, in the Mouth of a Fine Gentleman, resembles the Elegance of his Dress; it becomes equally ridiculous when ill-judged, or over done: For as there is no Doubt but good Cloaths set off the Person to a great Advantage, when they are made with Judgement, and worn with a becoming Carriage, so an elegant Choice of Words and Sentences are a great Ornament to Conversation. But on the other Hand, a Suit of Cloaths, though made of the finest Materials and covered with Lace, will make but an aukward Appearance if it is ill-made, and worn by one who has not the Carriage of a Gentleman. So it is with Language. Fine Words, in the Mouths of the Ignorant, are as unbecoming as Gold Lace upon the Back of a Porter.—And not only the Ignorant are guilty of this Error, but even those who do know the Meaning of the Words they use, are apt, by affecting an elegant Diction, to run themselves into Obscurity; and while they are attending to their Language, and studying hard Words, neglect the Matter of their Discourse; to explain which is the sole End of Speaking. The Use of Words being only to convey our Ideas to each other.

There is a Shew-board over a Watchmaker's Shop at Oxford, which may serve for a Burlesque upon the Folly of using hard Words: I cannot charge my Memory with all the Jargon wrote upon that Board; however, I remember that it was a long Account of what the Man in the Shop sold, and what he did; and among other Things it said that Horologies were mundified there; which Expression we think is enough to make any Man sick of the Languages, and abjure every Thing that belongs to Literature for the future.

I have met People in the Street, whose profound Ignorance I have been well assured of, who have immediately stunned me upon the first entering into Discourse with half a Dozen hard Words: And it is not long since, a young Gentleman came to the Coffee-house, and ordered the Waiter, when he sent Coffee and Tea to his Chambers, to let him have an additional Muffin: The Man stared at him, and told him, that he did not know how to do one in that Manner, but he could carbonade him one if he pleased.

A Lady would think it extraordinary language, upon a Gentleman's desiring to carry on an Intrigue with her, if he was to ask her, whether she would have an additional Husband, or not? However, as this is a prodigious fine Word, and as fine Words are always made use of in addressing the Ladies, we are of Opinion that it would be proper to adapt this as an Improvement in the Language of Lovers.

Almost all Professions are stuffed so full of Terms of Art, that to understand the Meaning of all the Words which are made use in any one of them, is long enough for a Science of itself. The only End they answer, is to puzzle those who are not of the same Profession. Not long ago, a young Man in the Country, who had weak Eyes, applied to a Surgeon for Relief in his Disorder. The Surgeon, upon examining his Patient, told him, that he would send him some Drops which would refrigerate his Eye.

The young Man came Home again, not very well satisfied, being not certain what he might have to undergo by this Refrigeration, having never heard the Word before. Surely he might with as much Propriety have been told, that what was in the Bottle would put him to no Pain, but was only intended to cool his Eyes.

It is incredible to think how cleverly some People, who have not had the Advantages of Education, will manage about Half a Dozen of these Words when they have got them. I have known some, who, for the Space of four or five Minutes, would deceive a Stranger, and induce him to think that he had met with a Person of great Learning. And however odd this may appear, we think we ourselves can manage the few hard Words which have been mentioned here, in such a Manner as to make an extraordinary Sentence of them: For Instance, supposing a Person had no other fine Words but these in his Catalogue, and had an Occasion for them in addressing a Lady; we are of Opinion, that he might shine by ranging them all in this Order.

Madam, I presume your Horologie will never go right unless it is mundified by an additional Lover; therefore, let me have the Honour to refrigerate your Eye.

A Swain of a more happy Invention, might make a much finer Speech out of these Words; but as we have done our utmost in the Attempt, we shall take Leave of the Subject; having shewn, to a Demonstration, the singular Advantage of making Use of fine Words.

XXVIII.

That the Way to get a Sailing Boat off the Shore, when she is fast by any Accident, is to let go both or all the Sails, and stand at her Head, and push with a Sprit.

This Error, though it may seem ridiculous to those who have been brought up at Sea, and understand Sailing, is nevertheless very common in Inland Rivers, where Sailing is but little understood. You may very frequently see fresh-water Sailors, as soon as they find that their Boat has struck, immediately let both their Main-sail and Fore-sail fly, after which they all run to the Head of the Boat with Sprits, and begin to endeavour to push her off; which Method is contrary to the Rules of Mechanics, and therefore of Sailing.

A Boat or Vessel of any Size (a 90 Gun Ship moving upon the same Principle as the smallest Cutter,) is acted upon by the Powers which are the Cause of her Motion as she swims in the Water, in the same Manner as a Lever of the first Kind, whose Center or Prop is between the Power and the Weight. To explain this, let us suppose a Boat, instead of Swimming in the Water, to be upon dry Land, and to have her Mast run quite through her, and fastened into the Ground, upon which she might be turned at Pleasure, as upon an Axle-Tree: In this Case, as her Mast is rather nearer her Head than her Stern, it would be more easy to turn her Head round by laying hold of her Stern, because there would be a Mechanical Advantage, by the greater Length from the Stern to the Mast, than from the Head to the Mast. And in whatever Direction the Stern of the Vessel is turned, her Head must move the contrary Way, and vice versâ. Now, the same will happen to a Vessel in the Water; if you push her Head in one Direction, her Stern will move in the other, and vice versâ. So that a Vessel under Sail with a Side-wind, may be called a Lever of the first Kind, both whose Extremities are kept in a Ballance by the Sails and Rudder; Forces which keep continually acting upon her. The Rudder may be considered as a Kind of Moderator, which is to interpose when the Sails which are before the Mast, or those which are behind the Mast, or abaft, overpower each other, and destroy that Ballance which a Vessel rightly trimmed very near preserves of herself. It must be observed, that the Sails before the Mast of a Vessel, and those behind it, act in contrary Directions. Those which are before the Mast turn her Head from the Wind, and those which are behind it turn her Head towards the Wind.

By this Time, we see the Impropriety of letting both the Main-sail and Fore-sail of a Vessel go, when she strikes upon Ground, and then running to her Head in order to push her off: For first, concerning the Article of going to her Head to push her off, if she is a small Vessel, the Weight of two or three People at her Head will press that Part, which generally happens to be the Part upon the Shore, still closer down; which is a Thing so well known to every Waterman, that we shall say no more about that. Now, as to letting both the Sails go, they might with as much Propriety both be set, for as they act in contrary Directions, they destroy each other's Force, if the Vessel is well trimmed; so that a Vessel will come off the Ground no sooner for letting both the Sails go. The Method that I should take in a Case of that Kind, would be to set the Main-sail and let the Fore-sail fly, and if that would not do alone, to assist the Main-sail by pushing at the Windward-side of her Stern with a Sprit, both which Forces acting together, namely the Main-sail and the Sprit, would in all Probability put her Head about so as to bring it beyond the Point from which the Wind blows, which Point after I had got her past, I would set the Fore-sail to the other Tack, and let the Main-sail go; and by that Means, the Fore-sail would put her Head almost round; then the Main-sail might be set, and after Sailing back so far as to get quite clear of the Place where the Vessel stuck fast before, she might be tacked about again, and pursue her intended Voyage.

I don't presume to say, that this is the very best Method of getting a Vessel off the Shore; as those who have been used to the Sea may have a more ready Method still: But I do say, that it is a Method which is consonant to the Principles of Mechanics, for which Reason, it may very safely be put in Execution, either at Sea or in fresh Water.

XXIX.

That planting Aquatics upon Banks in the Fenns, will preserve and strengthen them, so as to render them more able to resist the Force of a Flood.

What will be asserted in this Chapter is not the Result of Surmise, but is what I have been an Eye Witness of. Be it known then unto all those, who think proper to do this Book so much Honour as to give it a Perusal, that the Author is a Fenman: Why should he be ashamed of his Native Country? A Country, where they have Inverted the following Lines of Horace: