ACT III.
Enter Amphelia, going to the prison.
Because I still will hide my constant love!
This way I take will bravely break my heart,
To tell the duke were sneakingly to die:
Since, if he knew that I did love him still,
With basest scorns he'd laugh my soul to death;
Such friendship to this pris'ner I will show,
Shall make the duke believe my heart is there.
To set him free I'll use my utmost art——.
Would I could do as much for this poor heart!
This way my love with my designs complies,
Thus one in chains another's chains unties.
I have made the jailor mine already,
By promising him these hundred pieces—
'Tis now about the time I appointed
To be here—
Enter Jailor.
Here, jailor, here's for thy
Honesty: may the business be done now?
The key and go in to the prisoner;
Whilst I go see the passage clear,
Stand you at th' door, and when I beckon
To you, come away.
Money to do her business, and instead
Of doing it I have undone it.
Enter Duke and Ortellus.
The jailor has discover'd all to me. Here
He comes.
Here, for the lady Amphelia is now
With the prisoner; I have given her a
Key to convey him through this private passage;
As soon as I beckon to her, she will come
Away with him. [Beckons her.
The jailor beckons me; the way is clear.
I am betray'd! O villain jailor!
I fear we've interrupted them; it may be
They were going to be married; ha, ha, ha!
Ortellus; that makes you so mad.
If you have a mind to be married, a priest
Shall not join your hands, but you shall go both
Back to the prison, and th' jailor shall tie you
Both hands and legs together.
A prison with this brave gentleman
Will be greater paradise to me, than to
Be mistress of your palace. What do I say? [Aside.
Together, and die together. How could
I speak that word to her? [Aside.
Wou'd you destroy so great a world of virtue?
Rather invent two deaths for me, that I
May die for her too. You'll rob
Your dukedom of your greatest treasure to take
Away so blest a life as hers: let not
An axe part such a head and body,
Lest heaven frown and call you murderer. You'll pull
Upon your head all mankind's curse: when nature
Sees her bounty thus rewarded, she will
Turn miser, and will give no more such blessings
To th' world as this fair saint.
I'm satisfied ye like one another, so you
Shall both return back to your straw beds, there you
May lie as close together as you please.
To execution, then you shall have one—
A block to lay your heads on.
My head will rest better with his upon a block,
Than with yours on the softest pillow. How
Many lies must I confess, before I die. [Aside.
To me makes death a pleasure to her. [Aside.
My lord, give order that she may be brought
Immediately to her trial; in the meantime,
Jailor, take them into your custody;
Lay 'em in shackles both. Cousin, many thanks
To you for this timely discovery.
I must leave you awhile. [Exit.
Less to thank me for, else I am deceiv'd.
I've found out he loves Amphelia still,
So she does him. Now will I go possess
Arbatus of this, and tell him how the duke
Intends to fool his sister. He has the
Character of so strict a brother, and so brave
A spirit, that his soul will never digest
This injury without the duke's blood.
Will join with him, and tell him how
The business may be done.
By this, one of these three things shall I have
Either a mistress, dukedom, or a grave.
Enter Arbatus and Artabella.
Fool ye.
At this delay.
To you?
That he defers his marriage thus.
So, sir.
But if you have heard it, 'tis no treason.
To use your worthy sister thus. I came
To tell you upon my knowledge, he never
Intended to marry her.
Me, if I wonder at this information
From your lordship, that is his near cousin.
A gentleman, conscience and honour
Bids me discover this to you and your sister:
Think of a way of being reveng'd, and here's
My hand and heart to help you.
Me, that I cannot thank you truly, because
I needs must doubt this offer from your lordship.
Word and honour of a gentleman do't?
I give them both.
Ask some place about the court for me, in
Recompense of this injury to my sister?
Should not have trusted you thus far with what
I have said. I say [it] again, I am
Your friend; if you doubt it, you wrong my honour.
Satisfy me, but the duke's——
Thou shalt have it all, if I can help thee
To't; this night will I convey you privately
Into his bed-chamber. Come along with me,
And I will tell you all. [Exit.
Sister, go to your chamber.
Heaven preserve you in this danger.
It comes into my head, I need not doubt
This lord's truth; he is next heir to the dukedom,
If the duke die without issue.
'Tis base in him the duke's life to pursue,
His blood is only to my sister due. [Exit.
To cheat the innocent is a double crime;
I had no cunning guard about this heart
To keep it safe from a seducing tongue.
I have lost my heart, which he by falseness won;
How soon is truth and innocence undone! [Exit.
Enter Philidor.
Remember the prisoners. Well, had I
Not taken this course with the regiment
Of women that I have promis'd to marry,
I should have been devour'd by 'em by this
Time. They came just now into my chamber,
One by one, hoping to have found me alone,
To have preach'd matrimony to me; but,
To my blest deliverance, no sooner
One was there, but another came; so I
Persuaded them one by one, to slip up
Into a garret: so still as one knock'd
At the door, the t'other ascended; there
Have I secur'd them with this key, and there
Must I keep them till I have made
Conditions with them.
Enter Mirida.
Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray
Remember the poor prisoners.
What mad prank art thou playing now?
A-day, I have great cares upon me; I
Must provide meat for half-a-dozen ladies,
That shou'd have been my spouses. Look up yonder;
In that very garret, for aught I know, they
Must dine and sup at my charge as long as
They live; and thus must I be their cook every
Day, and beg their first and second course.
A wilder trick than I have done lately
To any of my lovers. Prythee, let's
Go under the window, and call to them.
Have from the castle. Most excellent
Amazonian ladies, look out, and behold
Your labouring purveyor, what pains he
Takes to victual your castle,
Because he knows you must be long there. [Women look out.
Because you are enthron'd so high; your eyes
Appear like stars to us poor mortals here
Below.
Should'st find it hell.
So angry? Methinks the gentleman is
Your friend, and has holpt you nearer heaven
Than perhaps e'er a one of you would ever
Have been.
Please to descend?
If we had thee here, we'd throw thee down again
With such a swing, we'd knock that rascal's brains
Out with thy fall.
Shall stay here—see, has not that lady
A very fair nose at this distance?
Not be abus'd thus; here's a Hercules' statue,
Let's throw it down upon their heads.
[Mirida runs away, and meets Pinguister and stops.
Enter Pinguister and Doctor.
Of my making now; here comes my fat lover,
Let us stand close and hear a little.
Pray, how many stools may I happily have
This morning by this purgation, already
Taken by me?
Much fat may it bring away?
Half-a-dozen pounds.
Me do? But, worthy doctor, from what parts of
My continual purg'd body is this store
Of fat extracted?
And calves of your legs.
May make my waist and legs' calves, alias, calves
Of my legs, delightful to her eye, sir?
Must have a thousand stools to drain your treasure
Of fat totaliter from ye.
O Mirida, for thee I daily purge:
For thee I daily stink. I find
I must keep company with the bears, that I
May be able to endure my own stink the better.
Your heats.
A footman of me but love. Well, I must
Put on my pumps.
Pleasantest scene as e'er I saw.
If you mean I should run, lend me your hand
To help me up. [Puts on nightcaps.
Now, in the name of love,
I most unwillingly start.
Like a duke. [He runs round, and sometimes goes out to untruss.
Him, one after another.
With my breeches in my hand, my purge visits
My bum-gut so intolerably often.
Master Doctor, I wonder at your cruelty,
To ask a cheerful loose of me; am not
I loos'd sufficiently by
Your furious purgations?
Enter Lean-man and his Tailor.
Enough now?
Very corpulent.
Hast not made me large enough, thou wilt thy bill.
Now have at Mistress Mirida! sure, my
Person will take her. Why, how now, cousin, [To Ping.
What makes you running a heat?
To speak with you, but come run by me,
And I will tell you. Why, I see
You know nothing. Mistress Mirida has a
Great kindness for me, but cannot marry me
Before I am leaner.
And bids me make myself fatter, before
We marry. [Aside.
To appear big?
Mistress Mirida's eye; she bid me.
An ass of him. [Aside.
In your exercise,
Farewell. Now I'll to Mistress Mirida. [Exit.
God's fish, my purge again! O, O!
Enter Clown with a cudgel, and beats him in again.
Would my paunch were out, if I saw you!
What do ye mean to beat a
Gentleman thus?
Him learn more manners, then, against next time.
And beaten most extremely for your sake;
Sure, I'm lean enough now to marry you.
In my pocket of what compass you were
About when you first were in love with me,
And also the measure to that you must
Fall before I marry you. Here was your full
Bigness, which was three yards about: let me see;
You are fallen a yard.
Must compass you about before I do.
This wants a yard yet.
For me ever to become such a grig
As that measure will meet about me?
Why, to do that you must embowel me, and then
Shave the remaining rolls of fat off from
My melting sides.
About you; you will catch your death.
Unreasonable mistress, thus am I
Fain to do every day, because I would
Melt myself into a husband for you:
You may hear my guts at this time boiling
Within me; I am confident they will
Have the same fat as a kettle full of
Black puddings that are over-boiled, and so
Broken.
I do constantly in a sea of sweat.
You should miscarry.
If I were with child. Lady, if you have
Any thoughts of going to heaven, have
Mercy on me.
Do with me? [Exit with Doctor.
Year to be mad together in.
You say, give us but time enough, and when
We grow tame, let the bell toll for us.
But stay, let us return
Back to my virgins, that I may
Make my conditions with 'em,
Before they get out of prison.
Enter all the Ladies and bind them.
Are all got out already.
Met with you now, ye pair of devils? we'll lay
You fast enough. So good night to you, lie
There till we come again. [Exit Ladies.
Ever such luck as this? There was a trap-
Door in the garret, which they found and got
Out at.
Philidor?
They had not bound us back to back together,
We might have pass'd away the time.
Malicious jades! no way of bridling us
But this? Pr'ythee turn about thy head, and let
Us try if we can kiss one another
A little.
Try for fear you should put your neck out of
Joint with turning it too much of one side.
Of accidents of this nature, and not
Contrive them so cross.
Enter Boy.
Shilling.
To lie thus.
And your hat, because I have never
A one, or else farewell.
Go put
On a clean handkerchief.
Must go see if I can find a believing
Haberdasher, else I shall be very
Ceremonious to every one I meet. [Exit.
Enter Fiddler.
I'd have a dance, if I had nothing but my
Smock on. Fiddler, strike up, and play my jig,
Call'd, I care not a pin for any man.
Play to some gentlemen.
But a little.
My handkerchief. [Dance and Exit.