I'll proceed to the narration
Of a trifling episode
In the life of Mr. Platt,
An auctioneer,
Who was filled with jubilation
And remarked: "Well, I'll be blowed!"—
An expression rather im-
Polite, I fear.
But he dreamt he'd heard it stated
That, in future, auctioneers
Might include their near relations
In their sales;
And he felt so much elated
That he broke out into cheers,
As one's apt to do when other
Language fails.
Seize this opportunity
Of getting rid of ma-in-law,
And Jane—
('Twas his wife)—I'll not regret her;
And, indeed, it seems to me
Such a chance may really not
Occur again.
"And, indeed, while I'm about it,
I'll dispense with all the lot—
(O'er my family I've lately
Lost command)—
'Tis the best plan, never doubt it.
I'll dispose of those I've got,
And, perhaps, I'll get some others
Second-hand."
So his ma-in-law he offered
As the first lot in the sale,
And he knocked her down for two-
And-six, or less.
Then Mrs. Platt he proffered—
She was looking rather pale;
But she fetched a good round sum,
I must confess.
(Lots from 9 to 22),
Fetched the auctioneer a tidy sum
Between 'em.
(One small boy had barked his shins,
And a twin had lost one shoe,
But they looked as well, Platt thought, as e'er
He'd seen 'em.)
Then some nephews, and some nieces,
Sundry uncles, and an aunt,
Went off at figures which were
Most surprising.
And some odds and ends of pieces
(I would tell you, but I can't
Their relationship) fetched prices
Past surmising.
It is quite enough to mention
That before the day was out
All his relatives had gone
Without reserve.
This fell in with Platt's intention,
And he said: "Without a doubt,
I shall now as happy be
As I deserve."
For he soon began to miss
Mrs. Platt, his wife, and all
The little "P's."
And the servants made him snappy;
Home was anything but bliss;
And Mr. Platt was very
Ill at ease.
So he calmly thought it over.
"On the whole, perhaps," said he,
I had better buy my fam-
Ily again,
For I find I'm not in clover,
Quite, without my Mrs. P.—
She was really not a bad sort,
Wasn't Jane."
But the persons who had bought 'em
Wouldn't part with 'em again.
Though Platt offered for their purchase
Untold gold.
For quite priceless now he thought 'em,
And, of course, could see quite plain
That in selling them he had himself
Been sold.
And he thought, with agitation
Of them lost for ever now,
And he said, "This thing has gone
Beyond a joke,"
While the beads of perspiration
Gathered thickly on his brow;
And then Mr. Platt, the auctioneer—
Awoke.