I may as well
Proceed to tell
About a Mister Higgs,
Who grew quite rich
In trade—the which
Was selling pork and pigs.
From trade retired,
He much desired
To rank with gentlefolk,
So bought a place
He called "The Chase,"
And furnished it—old oak.
Ancestors got
(Twelve pounds the lot,
In Tottenham Court Road);
A pedigree—
For nine pounds three,—
The Heralds' Court bestowed.
And on the wall,
Hung armour bright and strong.
"To Ethelbred"—
The label read—
De Higgs, this did belong."
'Twas quite complete,
This country seat,
Yet neighbours stayed away.
Nobody called,—
Higgs was blackballed,—
Which caused him great dismay.
"Why can it be?"
One night said he
When thinking of it o'er.
There came a knock
('Twas twelve o'clock)
Upon his chamber door.
Higgs cried, "Come in!"
A vapour thin
The keyhole wandered through.
Higgs rubbed his eyes
In mild surprise:
A ghost appeared in view.
"I beg," said he,
"You'll pardon me,
In calling rather late.
A family ghost,
I seek a post,
With wage commensurate.
My 'fiendish yell'
Is certain sure to please.
'Sepulchral tones,'
And 'rattling bones,'
I'm very good at these.
"Five bob I charge
To roam at large,
With 'clanking chains' ad lib.;
I do such things
As 'gibberings'
At one-and-three per gib.
"Or, by the week,
I merely seek
Two pounds—which is not dear;
Because I need,
Of course, no feed,
No washing, and no beer."
A bit, before
He hired the family ghost,
But, finally,
He did agree
To give to him the post.
It got about—
You know, no doubt,
How quickly such news flies—
Throughout the place,
From "Higgses Chase"
Proceeded ghostly cries.
The rumour spread,
Folks shook their head,
But dropped in one by one.
A bishop came
(Forget his name),
And then the thing was done.
For afterwards
All left their cards,
"Because," said they, "you see,
One who can boast
A family ghost
Respectable must be."
* * *
When it was due,
The "ghostes's" screw
Higgs raised—as was but right—
They often play,
In friendly way,
A game of cards at night.