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Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs

Chapter 11: GENERAL JOHN.
By W. S. Gilbert
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This collection gathers short comic ballads and theatrical songs that range from mock-heroic narratives and absurd romantic sketches to pointed satire of social, legal, and political institutions. Many pieces adopt lively rhythms and witty rhymes to stage eccentric characters, improbable situations, and playful reversals of expectation; several are written as songs or theatrical numbers suited to light opera. Tone shifts between gambols of nonsense, ironic commentary, and affectionate parody, with recurring motifs of courtship, vanity, and the theatre, offering concise, self-contained verse that alternates narrative impulse with lyrical refrains.

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Title: Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs

Author: W. S. Gilbert

Release date: March 15, 2005 [eBook #15370]
Most recently updated: December 14, 2020

Language: English

Credits: E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS ***

 

E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland
and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team

 

 

 

BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS

W. H. GILBERT

 

PHILADELPHIA
HENRY ALTEMUS

CONTENTS.

THE BAB BALLADS.

THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL."

'Twas on the shores that round our coast
 From Deal to Ramsgate span,
 That I found alone, on a piece of stone,
 An elderly naval man.
His hair was weedy, his beard was long,
 And weedy and long was he,
 And I heard this wight on the shore recite,
 In a singular minor key:
"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
 And the mate of the Nancy brig,
 And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
 And the crew of the captain's gig."
And he shook his fists and he tore his hair.
 Till I really felt afraid;
 For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,
 And so I simply said:
"Oh, elderly man it's little I know
 Of the duties of men of the sea,
 And I'll eat my hand if I understand
 How you can possibly be
"At once a cook, and a captain bold,
 And the mate of the Nancy brig,
 And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite,
 And the crew of the captain's gig."
Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which
 Is a trick all seamen larn,
 And having got rid of a thumping quid,
 He spun this painful yarn:
"'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell
 That we sailed to the Indian sea,
 And there on a reef we come to grief,
 Which has often occurred to me.
"And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned
 (There was seventy-seven o' soul),
 And only ten of the Nancy's men
 Said 'Here!' to the muster roll.
"There was me and the cook and the captain bold,
 And the mate of the Nancy brig,
 And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite,
 And the crew of the captain's gig.
"For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink,
 Till a-hungry we did feel,
 So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot
 The captain for our meal.
"The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate,
 And a delicate dish he made;
 Then our appetite with the midshipmite
 We seven survivors stayed.
"And then we murdered the bo'sun tight,
 And he much resembled pig;
 Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,
 On the crew of the captain's gig.
"Then only the cook and me was left,
 And the delicate question, 'Which
 Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose,
 And we argued it out as sich.
"For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,
 And the cook he worshipped me;
 But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed
 In the other chap's hold, you see.
"'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom,
 'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,'—
 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I,
 And 'Exactly so,' quoth he.
"Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me
 Were a foolish thing to do,
 For don't you see that you can't cook me,
 While I can—and will—cook you!'
"So, he boils the water, and takes the salt
 And the pepper in portions true
 (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot,
 And some sage and parsley too.
"'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride,
 Which his smiling features tell,
 ''T will soothing be if I let you see,
 How extremely nice you'll smell,'
"And he stirred it round and round and round,
 And he sniffed the foaming froth;
 When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals
 In the scum of the boiling broth.
"And I eat that cook in a week or less,
 And—as I eating be
 The last of his chops, why I almost drops,
 For a wessel in sight I see.

"And I never larf, and I never smile,
 And I never lark nor play,
 But I sit and croak, and a single joke
 I have—which is to say:
"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
 And the mate of the Nancy brig,
 And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
 And the crew of the captain's gig!"

CAPTAIN REECE.

Of all the ships upon the blue,
 No ship contained a better crew
 Than that of worthy Captain Reece.
 Commanding of The Mantelpiece.
He was adored by all his men,
 For worthy Captain Reece, R.N.,
 Did all that lay within him to
 Promote the comfort of his crew.
If ever they were dull or sad,
 Their captain danced to them like mad,
 Or told, to make the time pass by,
 Droll legends of his infancy.
A feather bed had every man,
 Warm slippers and hot-water can,
 Brown windsor from the captain's store,
 A valet, too, to every four.
Did they with thirst in summer burn?
 Lo, seltzogenes at every turn.
 And on all very sultry days
 Cream ices handed round on trays.
Then currant wine and ginger pops
 Stood handily on all the "tops:"
 And, also, with amusement rife,
 A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."
New volumes came across the sea
 From Mister Mudie's libraree;
 The Times and Saturday Review
 Beguiled the leisure of the crew.
Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N.,
 Was quite devoted to his men;
 In point of fact, good Captain Reece
 Beatified The Mantelpiece.
One summer eve, at half-past ten,
 He said (addressing all his men):
 "Come, tell me, please, what I can do
 To please and gratify my crew.
"By any reasonable plan
 I'll make you happy if I can;
 My own convenience count as nil;
 It is my duty, and I will."
Then up and answered William Lee,
 (The kindly captain's coxswain he,
 A nervous, shy, low-spoken man)
 He cleared his throat and thus began:
"You have a daughter, Captain Reece,
 Ten female cousins and a niece,
 A ma, if what I'm told is true,
 Six sisters, and an aunt or two.
"Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,
 More friendly-like we all should be.
 If you united of 'em to
 Unmarried members of the crew.
"If you'd ameliorate our life,
 Let each select from them a wife;
 And as for nervous me, old pal,
 Give me your own enchanting gal!"
Good Captain Reece, that worthy man,
 Debated on his coxswain's plan:
 "I quite agree," he said. "O Bill;
 It is my duty, and I will.
"My daughter, that enchanting gurl,
 has just been promised to an earl,
 And all my other familee
 To peers of various degree.
"But what are dukes and viscounts to
 The happiness of all my crew?
 The word I gave you I'll fulfil;
 It is my duty, and I will.
"As you desire it shall befall,
 I'll settle thousands on you all,
 And I shall be, despite my hoard,
 The only bachelor on board."
The boatswain of The Mantelpiece,
 He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece:
 "I beg your honor's leave," he said,
 "If you wish to go and wed,
"I have a widowed mother who
 Would be the very thing for you—
 She long has loved you from afar,
 She washes for you, Captain R."
The captain saw the dame that day—
 Addressed her in his playful way—
 "And did it want a wedding ring?
 It was a tempting ickle sing!
"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,
 We'll all be married this day week—
 At yonder church upon the hill;
 It is my duty, and I will!"
The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,
 And widowed ma of Captain Reece,
 Attended there as they were bid;
 It was their duty, and they did.

THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN.

It was a Bishop bold,
 And London was his see,
 He was short and stout and round about,
 And zealous as could be.
It also was a Jew,
 Who drove a Putney bus—
 For flesh of swine however fine
 He did not care a cuss.
His name was Hash Baz Ben,
 And Jedediah too,
 And Solomon and Zabulon—
 This bus-directing Jew.
The Bishop said, said he,
 "I'll see what I can do
 To Christianize and make you wise,
 You poor benighted Jew."
So every blessed day
 That bus he rode outside,
 From Fulham town, both up and down,
 And loudly thus he cried:—
"His name is Hash Baz Ben,
 And Jedediah too,
 And Solomon and Zabulon—
 This bus-directing Jew."
At first the busman smiled,
 And rather liked the fun—
 He merely smiled, that Hebrew child,
 And said, "Eccentric one!"
And gay young dogs would wait
 To see the bus go by
 (These gay young dogs in striking togs)
 To hear the Bishop cry:—
"Observe his grisly beard,
 His race it clearly shows,
 He sticks no fork in ham or pork:—
 Observe, my friends, his nose.
"His name is Hash Baz Ben,
 And Jedediah too,
 And Solomon and Zabulon—
 This bus-directing Jew."
But though at first amused,
 Yet after seven years,
 This Hebrew child got awful riled,
 And busted into tears.
He really almost feared
 To leave his poor abode,
 His nose, and name, and beard became
 A byword on that road.
At length he swore an oath,
 The reason he would know—
 "I'll call and see why ever he
 Does persecute me so."
The good old bishop sat
 On his ancestral chair,
 The busman came, sent up his name,
 And laid his grievance bare.
"Benighted Jew," he said,
 (And chuckled loud with joy)
 "Be Christian you, instead of Jew—
 Become a Christian boy.
"I'll ne'er annoy you more."
 "Indeed?" replied the Jew.
 "Shall I be freed?" "You will, indeed!"
 Then "Done!" said he, "with you!"
The organ which, in man,
 Between the eyebrows grows,
 Fell from his face, and in its place,
 He found a Christian nose.
His tangled Hebrew beard,
 Which to his waist came down,
 Was now a pair of whiskers fair—
 His name, Adolphus Brown.
He wedded in a year,
 That prelate's daughter Jane;
 He's grown quite fair—has auburn hair—
 His wife is far from plain.

THE FOLLY OF BROWN.

BY A GENERAL AGENT.

I knew a boor—a clownish card,
 (His only friends were pigs and cows and
 The poultry of a small farmyard)
 Who came into two hundred thousand.
Good fortune worked no change in Brown,
 Though she's a mighty social chymist:
 He was a clown—and by a clown
 I do not mean a pantomimist.
It left him quiet, calm, and cool,
 Though hardly knowing what a crown was—
 You can't imagine what a fool
 Poor rich, uneducated Brown was!
He scouted all who wished to come
 And give him monetary schooling;
 And I propose to give you some
 Idea of his insensate fooling.
I formed a company or two—
 (Of course I don't know what the rest meant,
 I formed them solely with a view
 To help him to a sound investment).
Their objects were—their only cares—
 To justify their Boards in showing
 A handsome dividend on shares,
 And keep their good promoter going.
But no—the lout prefers his brass,
 Though shares at par I freely proffer:
 Yes—will it be believed?—the ass
 Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer!
He added, with a bumpkin's grin,
 (A weakly intellect denoting)
 He'd rather not invest it in
 A company of my promoting!
"You have two hundred 'thou' or more,"
 Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it.
 Come, take my furnished second floor,
 I'll gladly show you how to spend it."
But will it be believed that he,
 With grin upon his face of poppy,
 Declined my aid, while thanking me
 For what he called my "philanthroppy?"
Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice
 In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them;
 They will not hear the charmer's voice,
 However wisely he may charm them.
I showed him that his coat, all dust,
 Top boots and cords provoked compassion,
 And proved that men of station must
 Conform to the decrees of fashion.
I showed him where to buy his hat,
 To coat him, trouser him, and boot him;
 But no—he wouldn't hear of that—
 "He didn't think the style would suit him!"
I offered him a country seat,
 And made no end of an oration;
 I made it certainly complete,
 And introduced the deputation.
But no—the clown my prospects blights—
 (The worth of birth it surely teaches!)
 "Why should I want to spend my nights
 In Parliament, a-making speeches?
"I haven't never been to school—
 I ain't had not no eddication—
 And I should surely be a fool
 To publish that to all the nation!"
I offered him a trotting horse—
 No hack had ever trotted faster—
 I also offered him, of course,
 A rare and curious "old Master."
I offered to procure him weeds—
 Wines fit for one in his position—
 But, though an ass in all his deeds,
 He'd learnt the meaning of "commission."
He called me "thief" the other day,
 And daily from his door he thrusts me;
 Much more of this, and soon I may
 Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me.
So deaf to all sound Reason's rule
 This poor uneducated clown is,
 You cannot fancy what a fool
 Poor rich uneducated Brown is.

THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO.

There were three niggers of Chickeraboo—
 Pacifico, Bang-Bang, Popchop—who
 Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day,
 "Oh, let's be kings in a humble way."
The first was a highly-accomplished "bones,"
 The next elicited banjo tones,
 The third was a quiet, retiring chap,
 Who danced an excellent break-down "flap."
"We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan
 By which, whenever we like, we can
 Extemporize islands near the beach,
 And then we'll collar an island each.
"Three casks, from somebody else's stores,
 Shall rep-per-esent our island shores,
 Their sides the ocean wide shall lave,
 Their heads just topping the briny wave.
"Great Britain's navy scours the sea,
 And everywhere her ships they be,
 She'll recognize our rank, perhaps,
 When she discovers we're Royal Chaps.
"If to her skirts you want to cling,
 It's quite sufficient that you're a king:
 She does not push inquiry far
 To learn what sort of king you are."
A ship of several thousand tons,
 And mounting seventy-something guns,
 Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue,
 Discovering kings and countries new.
The brave Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip,
 Commanding that superior ship,
 Perceived one day, his glasses through,
 The kings that came from Chickeraboo.
"Dear eyes!" said Admiral Pip, "I see
 Three flourishing islands on our lee.
 And, bless me! most extror'nary thing!
 On every island stands a king!
"Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried,
 "And over the dancing waves I'll glide;
 That low obeisance I may do
 To those three kings of Chickeraboo!"
The admiral pulled to the islands three;
 The kings saluted him graciouslee.
 The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm,
 Pulled out a printed Alliance form.
"Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray—
 I come in a friendly kind of way—
 I come, if you please, with the best intents,
 And Queen Victoria's compliments."
The kings were pleased as they well could be;
 The most retiring of all the three,
 In a "cellar-flap" to his joy gave vent
 With a banjo-bones accompaniment.
The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip
 Embarked on board his jolly big ship,
 Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore,
 And off he sailed to his native shore.
Admiral Pip directly went
 To the Lord at the head of the Government,
 Who made him, by a stroke of a quill,
 Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville.
The College of Heralds permission yield
 That he should quarter upon his shield
 Three islands, vert, on a field of blue,
 With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo."
Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too,
 Are going to sail for Chickeraboo,
 And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck,
 A bishop, who's going out there on spec.
And let us all hope that blissful things
 May come of alliance with darkey kings.
 Oh, may we never, whatever we do,
 Declare a war with Chickeraboo!

 

THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO.

From east and south the holy clan
 Of bishops gathered, to a man;
 To synod, called Pan-Anglican;
 In flocking crowds they came.
 Among them was a Bishop, who
 Had lately been appointed to
 The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo,
 And Peter was his name.
His people—twenty-three in sum—
 They played the eloquent tum-tum
 And lived on scalps served up in rum—
 The only sauce they knew,
 When, first good Bishop Peter came
 (For Peter was that Bishop's name),
 To humor them, he did the same
 As they of Rum-ti-Foo.
His flock, I've often heard him tell,
 (His name was Peter) loved him well,
 And summoned by the sound of bell,
 In crowds together came.
 "Oh, massa, why you go away?
 Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay."
 (They called him Peter, people say,
 Because it was his name.)
He told them all good boys to be,
 And sailed away across the sea.
 At London Bridge that Bishop he
 Arrived one Tuesday night—
 And as that night he homeward strode
 To his Pan-Anglican abode,
 He passed along the Borough Road
 And saw a gruesome sight.
He saw a crowd assembled round
 A person dancing on the ground,
 Who straight began to leap and bound
 With all his might and main.
 To see that dancing man he stopped.
 Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped,
 Then down incontinently dropped,
 And then sprang up again.
The Bishop chuckled at the sight,
 "This style of dancing would delight
 A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite.
 I'll learn it, if I can,
 To please the tribe when I get back."
 He begged the man to teach his knack.
 "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack,"
 Replied that dancing man.
The dancing man he worked away
 And taught the Bishop every day—
 The dancer skipped like any fay—
 Good Peter did the same.
 The Bishop buckled to his task
 With battements, cuts, and pas de basque
 (I'll tell you, if you care to ask,
 That Peter was his name).
"Come, walk like this," the dancer said,
 "Stick out your toes—stick in your head.
 Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread—
 Your fingers thus extend;
 The attitude's considered quaint,"
 The weary Bishop, feeling faint,
 Replied, "I do not say it ain't,
 But 'Time!' my Christian friend!"
"We now proceed to something new—
 Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do,
 Like this—one, two—one, two—one, two."
 The Bishop, never proud,
 But in an overwhelming heat
 (His name was Peter, I repeat),
 Performed the Payne and Lauri feat,
 And puffed his thanks aloud.
Another game the dancer planned—
 "Just take your ankle in your hand,
 And try, my lord, if you can stand—
 Your body stiff and stark.
 If, when revisiting your see,
 You learnt to hop on shore—like me—
 The novelty must striking be,
 And must excite remark."
"No," said the worthy Bishop, "No;
 That is a length to which, I trow,
 Colonial Bishops cannot go.
 You may express surprise
 At finding Bishops deal in pride—
 But, if that trick I ever tried,
 I should appear undignified
 In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes.
"The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo
 Are well-conducted persons, who
 Approve a joke as much as you,
 And laugh at it as such;
 But if they saw their Bishop land,
 His leg supported in his hand,
 The joke they wouldn't understand—
 'Twould pain them very much!"

TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE.

BY A MISERABLE WRETCH.

Roll on, thou ball, roll on!
 Through pathless realms of Space
  Roll on!
 What, though I'm in a sorry case?
 What, though I cannot meet my bills?
 What, though I suffer toothache's ills?
 What, though I swallow countless pills?
 Never you mind!
  Roll on!
Roll on, thou ball, roll on!
 Through seas of inky air
  Roll on!
 It's true I've got no shirts to wear;
 It's true my butcher's bill is due;
 It's true my prospects all look blue—
 But don't let that unsettle you!
 Never you mind!
  Roll on!
(It rolls on.)

GENERAL JOHN.

The bravest names for fire and flames,
 And all that mortal durst,
 Were General John and Private James,
 Of the Sixty-seventy-first.
General John was a soldier tried,
 A chief of warlike dons;
 A haughty stride and a withering pride
 Were Major-General John's.
A sneer would play on his martial phiz,
 Superior birth to show;
 "Pish!" was a favorite word of his,
 And he often said "Ho! ho!"
Full-Private James described might be,
 As a man of a mournful mind;
 No characteristic trait had he
 Of any distinctive kind.
From the ranks, one day, cried Private James
 "Oh! Major-General John,
 I've doubts of our respective names,
 My mournful mind upon.
"A glimmering thought occurs to me,
 (Its source I can't unearth)
 But I've a kind of notion we
 Were cruelly changed at birth.
"I've a strange idea, each other's names
 That we have each got on,
 Such things have been," said Private James.
 "They have!" sneered General John.
"My General John, I swear upon
 My oath I think 'tis so"—
 "Pish!" proudly sneered his General John,
 And he also said "Ho! ho!"
"My General John! my General John!
 My General John!" quoth he,
 "This aristocratical sneer upon
 Your face I blush to see!
"No truly great or generous cove
 Deserving of them names
 Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove
 In the mind of a Private James!"
Said General John, "Upon your claims
 No need your breath to waste;
 If this is a joke, Full-Private James,
 It's a joke of doubtful taste.
"But being a man of doubtless worth,
 If you feel certain quite
 That we were probably changed at birth,
 I'll venture to say you're right."
So General John as Private James
 Fell in, parade upon;
 And Private James, by change of names,
 Was Major-General John.

SIR GUY THE CRUSADER.