The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bill Nye and Boomerang
Title: Bill Nye and Boomerang
Author: Bill Nye
Release date: May 2, 2016 [eBook #51959]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
Credits: Produced by David Widger from page images generously
provided by the Internet Archive
BILL NYE AND BOOMERANG;
Or, The Tale Of A Meek-Eyed Mule, And Some Other Literary Gems
By Bill Nye
Chicago, New York And San Francisco:
Bedford, Clarke & Co.
1883
"And now, kind friends, what I have wrote
I hope you will pass o'er,
And not criticise as some has done,
Hitherto, herebefore."
Sweet Singer of Michigan.
CONTENTS
A MINERS' MEETING—MY MINE—A MIRAGE ON E PLAINS.
THE TRUE STORY OF DAMON AND PYTHIAS.
SAD MEMORIES OF THE DEAD YEAR.
SUGGESTION'S FOR A SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM.
SOME REASONS WHY I CAN'T BE AN INDIAN AGENT.
BILLIOUS NYE AND BOOMERANG IN THE GOLD MINES.
THE TEMPERATURE OF THE BUMBLE-BEE.
THE GLAD, FREE LIFE OF THE MINER.
THE NEW ADJUSTABLE CAMPAIGN SONG.
SITTING ON ON A VENERABLE JOKE.
MYSELF, DR. TALMAGE, AND OTHER DIVINES.
THE WEATHER AND SOME OTHER THINGS.
THE PARABLE OF THE UNJUST STEWARD.
THE PARABLE OF THE PRODIGAL SON.
THE INDIAN AND THE EVERLASTING GOSPEL.
PUMPKIN JIM; OR THE TALE OF A BUSTED JACKASS RABBIT.
CHAPTER II.—GERALDINE CARBOLINE O'TOOLE.
CHAPTER III.—STARTLING REVELATIONS.
CHAPTER IV.—all's well that ends well.
WILLIAM NYE AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE.
HONG LEE'S GRAND BENEFIT AT LEADVILLE.
THE LOP-EARED LOVERS OF THE LITTLE LARAMIE.
CHAPTER I.—A TALE OF LOVE AND PARENTAL CUSSEDNESS.
HE WENT OUT WEST FOR HIS HEALTH.
A QUIET LITTLE WEDDING WITHOUT ANY FRILLS
THE VETERAN WHO DIED WHILE GETTING HIS PENSION.
GINGERBREAD POEMS AND COLD PICKLED FACTS.
HOW A MINING STAMPEDE BREAKS OUT.
THE GREAT ROCKY MOUNTAIN REUNION OF YALLER DOGS.
WHAT WOMAN'S SUFFRAGE HAS DONE FOR WYOMING.
THE BUCKNESS WHEREWITH THE BUCK BEER BUCKETH.
BILLIOUS NYE AND THE AMATEUR STAGE.
A UTE PRESIDENTIAL CONVENTION.
THE CLUB-FOOTED LOVER OF PIUTE PASS.
AGRICULTURE AT AN ALTITUDE OF 7500 FEET.
THE GENTLE YOUTH FROM LEADVILLE.
THOUGHTS OF THE MELLOW PREVIOUSLY.
THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.
THEY UNANIMOUSLY AROSE AND HUNG HIM.
CATCHING MOUNTAIN TROUT AT AN ELEVATION OF 8000 FEET.
SOME ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
THE NUPTIALS OP DANGEROUS DAVIS.
THE GENTLE POWER OF A WOMAN'S INFLUENCE.
THE NATIVE INBORN SHIFTLESSNESS OF THE PRAIRIE DOGS.
THE SECRET OF GARFIELD'S ELECTION.
PERILS OF THE BUTTERNUT PICKER.
A WORD OR TWO ABOUT THE SWALLOW.
THE CALAMITY JANE CONSOLIDATED.
THE GREAT, HORRID MAN RECEIVETH NEW YEAR CALLS.
EXAMINING THE BRAND ON A FROZEN STEER.
MY MULE BOOMERANG,
Whose bright smile haunts me still, and whose low, mellow notes are ever sounding in my ears, to whom I owe all that I am as a great man, and whose presence has inspired me ever and anon throughout the years that are gone.
THIS VOLUME,
this coronet of sparkling literary gems as it were, this wreath of fragrant forget-me-nots and meek-eyed johnny-jump-ups, with all its wealth of rare tropical blossoms and high-priced exotics, is cheerfully and even hilariously dedicated
By the Author.
THE APOLOGY.
{In my Boudoir,
{Nov. 17,1880.
Belford, Clarke & Co.:
Gentlemen:—In reply to your favor of the 22d ult., I herewith transmit the material necessary for a medium size volume of my chaste and unique writings.
The matter has been arranged rather hurriedly, and no doubt in classifying this rectangular mass of soul, I have selected some little epics and ethereal flights of fancy which are not as good as others that I have left out, but my only excuse is this: the literary world has been compelled to yield up first one well known historical or scientific work and then another, careful investigation having shown that they were unreliable. This left suffering humanity almost destitute of a reliable work to which it could turn in its hour of great need.
So I have been compelled to hurry more than I wanted to.
It affords me great pleasure, however, to know what a feeling of blessed rest and childlike confidence and assurance-and some more things of that nature-will follow the publication of this work.
Print the book in large coarse type, so that the old people can get a chance at it. It will reconcile them to death, perhaps.
Then sell it at a moderate price. It is really priceless in value, but put it within the reach of all, and then turn it loose without a word of warning. The Author.
Laramie City, Wyoming.
OSTROPHE TO AN ORPHAN MULE.
Oh! lonely, gentle, unobtrusive mule!
Thou standest idly 'gainst the azure sky,
And sweetly, sadly singeth like a hired man.
Who taught thee thus to warble
In the noontide heat and wrestle with
Thy ceep, corroding grief and joyless woe?
Who taught thy simple heart
Its pent-up, wildly-warring waste
Of wanton woe to carol forth upon
The silent air?
I chide thee not, because thy
Song is fraught with grief-embittered
Monotone and joyless minor chords
Of wild, imported melody, for thou
Art restless, woe begirt and
Compassed round about with gloom,
Thou timid, trusting, orphan mule!
Few joys indeed, are thine,
Thou thrice-bestricken, madly
Mournful, melancholy mule.
And he alone who strews
Thy pathway with his cold remains
Can give thee recompense
Of lemoncholy woe.
He who hath sought to steer
Thy limber, yielding tail
Ferninst thy crupper-band
Hath given thee joy, and he alone.
'Tip true, he may have shot
Athwart the Zodiac, and, looking
O'er the outer walls upon
The New Jerusalem,
Have uttered vain regrets.
Thou reckest not, O orphan mule,
For it hath given thee joy, and
Bound about thy bursting heart,
And held thy tottering reason
To its throne.
Sing on, O mule, and warble
In the twilight gray,
Unchidden by the heartless throng.
Sing of thy parents on thy father's side.
Yearn for the days now past and gone:
For he who pens these halting,
Limping lines to thee
Doth bid thee yearn, and yearn, and yearn.
A MINERS' MEETING—MY MINE—A MIRAGE ON E PLAINS.
Camp on the New Jerusalem Mine, May 28, 1880.
I write this letter in great haste, as I have just returned from the new carbonate discoveries, and haven't any surplus time left.
While I was there a driving snow storm raged on the mountains, and slowly melting made the yellow ochre into tough plastic clay which adhered to my boots to such an extent that before I knew it my delicately arched feet were as large as a bale of hay with about the same symmetrical outlines.
A miners' meeting was held there Wednesday evening, and a district to be called Mill Creek District, was formed, being fifteen miles each way. The Nellis cabin or ranch is situated in the center of the district.
I presided over the meeting to give it an air of terror and gloom. It was very impressive. There was hardly a dry eye in the house as I was led to the chair by two old miners. I seated myself behind the flour barrel, and pounding on the head of the barrel with a pick handle, I called the august assemblage to order.
Snuffing the candle with my fingers in a graceful and pleasing style, and wiping the black off on my pants, I said: "Gentlemen of the Convention: In your selection of a chairman I detect at once your mental acumen and intelligent foresight. While you feel confident that, in the rose-colored future, prosperity is in store for you, you still remember that now you look to capital for the immediate development of your district.
"I am free to state that, although I have been but a few hours in your locality, I am highly gratified with your appearance, and I cheerfully assure you that the coffers which I command are at your disposal. In me you behold a capitalist who proposes to develop the country, regardless of expense.
"I also recognize your good sense in selecting an old miner and mineral expert to preside over your meeting. Although it may require something of a mental strain for your chairman to detect the difference between porphyry and perdition, yet in the actual practical workings of a mining camp he feels that he is equal to any emergency.
"After the band plays something soothing and the chaplain has drawn up a short petition to the throne of grace, I shall be glad to know the pleasure of the meeting."
Round after round of applause greeted this little gem of oratory. A small boy gathered up the bouquets and filed them with the secretary, when the meeting proceeded with its work. Most of the delegates came instructed, and therefore the business was soon transacted.
I located a claim called the Boomerang. I named it after my favorite mule. I call my mule Boomerang because he has such an eccentric orbit and no one can tell just when he will clash with some other heavenly body.
He has a sigh like the long drawn breath of a fog-horn. He likes to come to my tent in the morning about daylight and sigh in my ear before I am awake. He is a highly amusing little cuss, and it tickles him a good deal to pour about 13 1/2 gallons of his melody into my car while I am dreaming, sweetly dreaming. He enjoys my look of pleasant surprise when I wake up.
He would cheerfully pour more than 13 1/2 gallons of sigh into my ear, but that is all my ear will hold. There is nothing small about Boomerang. He is generous to a fault and lavishes his low, sad, tremulous wail on every one who has time to listen to it.
Those who have never been wakened from a sweet, sweet dream by the low sad wail of a narrow-gauge mule, so close to the ear that the warm breath of the songster can be felt on the cheek, do not know what it is to be loved by a patient, faithful, dumb animal.
The first time he rendered this voluntary for my benefit, I rose in my wrath and some other clothes, and went out and shot him. I discharged every chamber of my revolver into his carcass, and went back to bed to wait till it got lighter. In a couple of hours I arose and went out to bury Boomerang. The remains were off about twenty yards eating bunch grass. In the gloom and uncertainty of night, I had shot six shots into an old windlass near a deserted shaft.
Boomerang and I get along first-rate together. When I am lonesome I shoot at him, and when he is lonesome he comes up and lays his head across my shoulder, and looks at me with great soulful eyes and sings to me.
On our way in from the mines we saw one of those beautiful sights so common in this high altitude and clear atmosphere. It was a mirage.
In the party were a lawyer, a United States official, a banker and myself. The other three members of the quartet, aside from myself are very modest men and do not wish to have their names mentioned. They were very particular about it and I have respected their wishes. Whatever Messrs. Blake, Snow or Ivinson ask me to do I will always do cheerfully.
But we were speaking about the mirage. Across to the northeast our attention was at first attracted by a rank of gray towers growing taller and taller till their heads were lifted into the sky above, while at their feet there soon appeared a glassy lake in which was reflected the outlines of the massive gray walls above. It was a beautiful sight. The picture was as still and lovely to look upon as a school ma'am. We all went into raptures. It looked like some beautiful scene in Palestine. At least Snow said so, and he has read a book about Palestine, and ought to know.
There was a silence in the air which seemed to indicate the deserted sepulchre of other days, and the grim ruins towering above the depths of clear waters on whose surface was mirrored the visage of the rocks and towers on their banks, all spoke of repose and decay and the silent, stately tread of relentless years.
By and by, from out the grey background of the picture, there stole the wild, tremulous, heart-broken wail of a mule.
It seemed to jar upon the surroundings and clash harshly against our sensitive natures. Some one of the party swore a little. Then another one came to the front, and took the job off his hands. We all joined, in a gentlemanly kind of way, in condemning the mule for his lack of tact, to say the least.
All at once the line of magnificent ruins shortened and became reduced in height. They changed their positions and moved off to the left, and our dream had melted into the matter of fact scene of twenty-two immigrant wagons drawn by rat-tail mules and driven by long-haired Mormons, with the dirt and bacon rinds of prehistoric times adhering to them everywhere.
What a vale of tears this is anyway!
We are only marching toward the tomb, after all. We should learn a valuable lesson from this and never tell a lie.
THE TRUE STORY OF DAMON AND PYTHIAS.
CHAPTER I.
The romantic story of Damon and Pythias, which has been celebrated in verse and song, for over two thousand years, is supposed to have originated during the reign of Dionysius I., or Dionysius the Elder as he was also called, who resigned about 350 years B.C. He must have been called "The Elder," more for a joke than anything else, as he was by inclination a Unitarian, although he was never a member of any church whatever, and was in fact the wickedest man in all Syracuse.
Dionysius arose to the throne from the ranks, and used to call himself a self-made man. He was tyrannical, severe and selfish, as all self-made men are. Self-made men are very prone to usurp the prerogative of the Almighty and overwork themselves. They are not satisfied with the position of division superintendent of creation, but they want to be most worthy high grand muck-a-muck of the entire ranch, or their lives are gloomy fizzles.
Dionysius was indeed so odious and so overbearing toward his subjects that he lived in constant fear of assassination at their hands. This fear robbed him of his rest and rendered life a dreary waste to the tyrannical king. He lived in constant dread that each previous moment would be followed by the succeeding one. He would eat a hearty supper and retire to rest, but the night would be cursed with horrid dreams of the Scythians and White River Utes peeling off his epidermis and throwing him into a boiling cauldron with red pepper and other counter-irritants, while they danced the Highland fling around this royal barbecue.
Even his own wife and children were forbidden to enter his presence for fear that they would put "barn arsenic" in the blanc-mange, or "Cosgrove arsenic" in the pancakes, or Paris green in the pie.
During his reign he had constructed an immense subteroranean cavernous arrangement called the Ear of Dionysius, because it resembled in shape and general telephonic power, the human ear. It was the largest ear on record. One day a workman expressed the desire to erect a similar ear of tin or galvanized iron on old Di. himself. Some one "blowed on him," and the next morning his head was thumping about in the waste paper basket at the General Office. When one of the king's subjects, who thought he was solid with the administration, would say: "Beyond the possibility of a doubt, your Most Serene Highness is the kind and loving guardian of his people, and the idol of his subjects," His Royal Tallness would say, "What ye givin' us? Do you wish to play the Most Sublime Overseer of the Universe and General Ticket Agent Plenipotentiary for a Chinaman?
"Ha!!! You cannot fill up the King of Syracuse with taffy." Then he would order the chief executioner to run the man through the royal sausage grinder, and throw him into the Mediterranean. In this way the sausage grinder was kept running night and day, and the chief engineer who run the machine made double time every month.