THE PETTICOAT
My son, beware of the soft voice of the petticoat.
The petticoat is full of guile and maketh even the strong go astray, while the weak she considereth as her’s always.
It smileth and smileth when it weepeth not, and in both tears and smiles it bodeth no good to man.
It leadeth thee along the stoney path and jeereth at thee if thou remark thy bleeding feet.
It looketh toward darkness and declareth that there is the light of Hope and seeth darkness where there is only light.
It believeth in signs and omens and would hand thee bound hand and foot into the hands of the Church.
It beguileth thee into discounting the future and revileth thee when its counsels have brought thee to harm.
It inviteth thee to Vanity and the ways of the boastful; it falleth down and worshipeth at the shrine of the Golden Calf, and constraineth thee to do likewise.
It selleth what should be given and giveth what should be sold.
It beareth thee children as is its nature to do, and then boasteth thereof; it refuseth to bear and boasteth of that also.
It beareth thy successes with smiling equanimity, and tearfully upbraideth thee with thy failures.
It is short of sight and dull of apprehension and of logic and consistency knoweth naught.
It playeth merry hell with thy nerves, and beareth thee away in triumph lest thou are exceeding careful.
It liveth in the present only and is a sluggard.
It maketh of thee a LIAR in self-defence.
It is of a jealous and suspicious mind and crieth aloud “Wolf, Wolf,” when there is no wolf, and seeth nothing of the danger that is imminent.
It gaineth nothing from experience, but persisteth in the ways of folly.
It knoweth nothing of justice and bendeth the easy knee to conventionality.
It is short in the heels and its equilibrium is unstable, and when it falleth it declareth loudly that it was pushed.
It declareth evil of its own kind and giveth the glad hand and merry face to the deceiver.
It rejoiceth much in scandal and maketh thy secrets public.
It knoweth things that are not so and denieth stoutly against facts.
It fawneth upon the strong arm and enslaveth the meek.
The henpecked is a laughing stock to his fellows, and the Petticoat rejoiceth thereat.
Look not upon the Petticoat when the wind bloweth; and when it rustleth seductively, harken not.
It putteth on clothes in manner and shape which is a reproach to common sense.
Better that thou put a mill stone about thy neck and straightway leap into deep water than put thyself under the dominion of the Petticoat, for it ruleth with a rod of iron and without discretion; it putteth a yoke upon thy shoulders which galleth forever.