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Civil service jingles and other things

Chapter 35: IF AND BUT
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About This Book

A series of witty poems, parables, and light verses lampooning bureaucratic life and public service. Short jingles and longer allegorical sketches caricature clerical drudgery, patronage, political opportunism, and office rivalries, often using mock‑biblical cadence, puns, and comic exaggeration. Narratives follow minor officials navigating promotions, investigations, and changing regimes, while satirical vignettes highlight hypocrisy and the survival tactics of lower‑rank employees. The collection alternates playful rhyme and humorous prose to entertain readers acquainted with administrative routines.

IF AND BUT

If a man only knew all there was to know
Of a fox and his cunning ways;
If he knew all the turns of his cunning brain
And could beat all the tricks he plays.
If he had all the brutal force of an ox,
And the tireless strength of the moose;
If he could look as meek as a lamb,
And as silly as any goose.
If his eyes were as keen as an eagle’s,
And he could look as sage as an owl;
If he were as fierce as a lion,
And could terrify with his growl;
If he was as stubborn as a pig,
And as patient as a mule;
If he was as ruthless as a tiger cat,
And had the assurance of a fool;
If he were quick in danger, slow in wrath,
And as coy as a country maid—
Why, then I really do believe
He could make a success in TRADE.
But, as I’m not any or all these things,
And have no great love of pelf,
I sit here tight in my Government job
Quite satisfied with myself;
Happy if I can finance my way
From one fifteenth to another,
And scribble my rhyme any old time
And ambition’s promptings smother.