PEPPERPOT’S LITTLE PETS!
In One Act.
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
- JACK PEPPERPOT, late H. M. 147th Foot.
- DOCTOR JACOBUS JOGTROT.
- MR. CHRISTOPHER CHIRPER.
- STEPHEN BLUNT.
- MRS. TARLETAN.
- JESSIE (her niece).
- MARTHA (a servant).
SCENE.—Mrs. Tarletan’s Villa at Hampstead.
Elegantly furnished room at MRS. TARLETAN’S villa. French windows at back showing garden beyond; doors R. H. 3 E. and L.; fireplace at L. H. 2 E.; table, chairs, sofa, etc. MARTHA discovered arranging furniture, etc. (bell heard without).
MARTHA. There’s the gate bell beginning. Butcher for orders, I suppose. (Bell heard again.) I thought so; he’s the most impatient young man I ever came across! Asked me if I’d marry him only yesterday morning when he called for orders, and was quite saucy because I hadn’t made up my mind when he brought the meat! I must go and ask missus. (Exit door R. JACK PEPPERPOT is seen to cross at back beyond the French windows; looks cautiously in at C.).
JACK. No one to be seen; so much the better. (Calling off.) Now then, Blunt, come along! take care how you turn the corner; that’ll do. (Enters at C., walking backward, closely followed by STEPHEN BLUNT, in an undress military jacket and cap, carrying a box covered with Chinese characters.) Left wheel! halt. (Takes box carefully from BLUNT and places it on small table—opens lid.) Nothing broken, I hope. No; I don’t even see a chip!
BLUNT. That’s a wonder, too, your honor! cups and saucers is rather a delicate sort of cargo to bring all the way from China.
JACK (looking at watch). Nine o’clock! I wonder if my dear, excellent old aunt is still indulging in a horizontal position? We reached town so late last night, I was afraid to disturb the dear old soul. (Looking round him.) Blunt, it strikes me we shall find our quarters here very comfortable—eh? (falling into chair and stretching out his legs).
BLUNT. I think so too, your honor (imitating JACK, then jumping up again and saluting). Beg pardon, your honor! but when you say our quarters—
JACK. I mean our quarters! You wouldn’t think of leaving me, you brute, would you? Haven’t we spent the last ten years of our lives together—more or less respectably?—and if I have got back to Old England again, sound in wind and limb, who have I to thank? who but you, you fine faithful old dog you (laying his hand on BLUNT’S shoulder).
BLUNT (deprecatingly). Oh! oh!
JACK. If you forget a certain sabre cut I received at the Alma, I don’t.
BLUNT. Oh! oh! just a little bit of a scratch.
JACK. Exactly; a little bit of a scratch that began at the top of my head and finished at the tip of my nose! I was lying on my back faint and sick, when a noble, lion-hearted fellow cut his way through the Russian cavalry at the risk of his life, the idiot, threw me across his horse, and saved me! That noble, lion-hearted idiot was Stephen Blunt—bless him! But enough of the past! By-the-bye, Blunt, as long as you are stationed here you must make it a point of finding everybody and everything about you charming, delightful—in short, first chop!
BLUNT (touching his cap). All right, your honor!
MRS. TARLETAN (heard without). If I am wanted, Martha, you’ll find me in the garden.
JACK. Here comes my aunt; beat a retreat—quick, anywhere.
[BLUNT hurries out at L. H.
Enter MRS. TARLETAN at R.
MRS. T. (seeing JACK). A stranger?
JACK (smiling). Not quite. (Going to her.) Don’t you know me, aunt?
MRS. T. Eh? (Suddenly.) Jack dear, dear boy! (JACK clasps her in his arms). Kiss me again, Jack.
JACK. Again and again till you tell me to leave off (kissing her again).
MRS. T. Let me look at you (holding his head between her hands). It is ten long years since I have seen you, my darling boy: and has it come back from China, a dear?
JACK. It has—all the way!
MRS. T. (pulling his cheek affectionately). And is it glad to get home?
JACK. Is it? ain’t it? Ah! after knocking about the world for ten years, you don’t know how happy a fellow feels in getting back to his aunt and having his cheeks pulled about. By-the-bye, aunt, what d’ye think?—what with my prize-money, the sale of my commission, and one thing and the other, I find I’ve managed to scrape together a matter of £10,000.
MRS. T. Ten thousand? that’s a large sum of money, my dear.
JACK. An awful lot, isn’t it? the puzzle is, what I’m to do with it.
MRS. T. My advice is, invest in land; they say “Stick to the land, and the land will stick to you.”
JACK. I know mud will—at least it did in the Crimea.
MRS. T. My dear Jack, do be serious! Now that you are worth £500 a year—
JACK. Five hundred a year! I shall never spend the half of it.
MRS. T. Then get a wife to help you.
JACK. A wife! me? what for?—why, my dear aunt, here are no end of clever people complaining of the over-population of the country, and you want me to— (Shaking his head.) No, no!
MRS. T. Well, well, we’ll say no more about it; though it’s a pity—a great pity!
JACK. A pity! what do you mean?
MRS. T. Nothing! a fancy, a dream of mine—that’s all.
(JESSIE is heard singing a snatch of a song without—runs in from R. H.)
JESSIE (running to MRS. TARLETAN and kissing her). Good-morning, aunty dear. (Suddenly, seeing JACK.) A stranger! Really, sir—I—I— (Courtesying.)
JACK (bowing to JESSIE). So do I, I’m sure, miss! very much indeed.
MRS. T. (smiling). “Sir” and “miss?” Why, Jack, have you forgotten Jessie?
JACK. Eh? what? little Jessie!
JESSIE. Cousin Jack!
JACK (taking both JESSIE’S hands). Dear, dear, when I remember what a tiny little mite you were ten years ago! about so high! (measuring about a foot). Why, I used to teach you A B C, didn’t I? And now I suppose you’re quite an accomplished young lady?
JESSIE. Tolerably so, I hope, cousin.
JACK. Then you deserve a prize; and here it is (opening box on table, takes out a fan and presents it to JESSIE). The reward of merit.
JESSIE. Oh, what a beautiful Chinese fan! Oh, thank you, cousin!
JACK. And perhaps our good aunt will give us our tea tonight out of her new porcelain service (showing contents of box).
MRS. T. A present for me, too! So you found time to think of me, dear boy?
JACK. Think of you! Do you remember this? (taking small case from his breast-pocket and opening it).
MRS. T. My photograph?
JACK. Which you gave me the night before I left England. You’ve never left me! You’ve shared all my hardships, all my dangers, all my triumphs! Didn’t we enter Pekin together, sword in hand?
MRS. T. (smiling). I enter Pekin!
JACK. Yes; rolled up in three of my flannel waistcoats to protect you.
JESSIE. Oh, Cousin Jack, I do so long to hear all your adventures.
JACK. Then you shall have them; not all at once; mustn’t be greedy, little girl. Now for it. (They seat themselves.) Ahem! (in an impressive tone). In order to make a first-rate brick—
MRS. T. and JESSIE. A brick?
JACK. Don’t interrupt me! I repeat, in order to make a first-rate brick they put it on the kiln and bake it. Well, in order to make a first-rate soldier they send him to India and bake him—that was my case.
MRS. T. Well, from India you went to the Crimea?
JACK. Yes; there I took to rum, diluted with snowballs and gunpowder.
JESSIE. Poor Cousin! how you must have suffered!
JACK. Tolerably; but we ate well—when we’d got anything to eat—and slept well when we hadn’t to keep awake.
JESSIE. And you were never wounded?
JACK. Nothing to speak of. I got rather a warm one at the Alma, but luckily it was on the head.
JESSIE. Cousin Jack, I really feel quite proud of you! that I do.
JACK. Then allow me to thank you in the name of the British Army; allow the British Army to salute you! (Kisses her. JESSIE joins MRS. TARLETAN, who has gone a few steps up the stage.)
JACK (looking after JESSIE, and aside). A remarkably nice little body. If ever I should marry, I really—
JESSIE (to MRS. TARLETAN, as they come forward). No, indeed, aunt, there’s no necessity for anything of the kind.
MRS. T. I beg your pardon, my dear. Jack is one of the family.
JACK. Of course I am! What’s the matter?
MRS. T. Well, the fact is, we are not unlikely soon to find a husband for Jessie!
JACK. A husband! Who is he? what is he?
MRS. T. I only know that he is a protégé of Doctor Jogtrot.
JACK. And who’s Jogtrot?
MRS. T. Jessie’s guardian; a retired physician—a very eminent man in the scientific world.
JACK. Oh! ah! (Aside.) Confound Jogtrot!
MARTHA appears at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT.
MARTHA (announcing). Doctor Jogtrot. (Disappears.)
Enter DOCTOR JOGTROT at C.; black costume—white cravat, etc.
JOGTROT (to MRS. TARLETAN). Pardon me, madam, if I am late.
MRS. T. Don’t apologize, doctor. (Introducing.) My nephew, Captain Pepperpot—Doctor Jogtrot (JOGTROT bows ceremoniously to JACK, who gives him a familiar nod in return).
JOGTROT. I merely precede my esteemed young friend Mr. Chirper by a few minutes. Need I say I should not presume to present him as a competitor for the hand of this charming young lady (bowing to JESSIE), had I not discovered in his person qualities of the most solid description.
JACK. Solid—eh? I see! inclined to be stout—eh?
JOGTROT (after a stare at JACK, and turning to MRS. T. again). In fact, I am proud to say that Mr. Chirper is, in the strictest sense of the word, a serious young man!
JACK (aside). Wheugh! I sha’n’t be able to stand much more of Jogtrot! I feel I sha’n’t.
MRS. T. No doubt I shall grieve to part with Jessie; but as my nephew has left the army, I shall not be entirely alone.
JOGTROT (to JACK). You are a military man, sir?
JACK (who has been showing a gradual irritation). I was—till I left the army.
JOGTROT. Left the army? Allow me to congratulate you on your having done so, sir!
JACK (trying to keep cool). May I ask why?
JOGTROT (in a supercilious tone). Because, between ourselves, sir, I consider the military profession—
JACK (bristling up). Well, sir, what about the military profession? Anything to say against the military profession? (advancing on JOGTROT, who retreats).
MRS. T. (aside to JACK). Don’t be so pugnacious, Jack! Recollect, you’re not at the siege of Sebastopol now!
JOGTROT (overhearing them, eagerly). The siege of Sebastopol?
MRS. T. Yes, doctor, my nephew was there during the whole campaign!
JOGTROT (to JACK). Now, sir, it may be in your power to furnish me with the most interesting statistical information. Can you form any tolerable accurate estimate of the number of projectiles of various kinds and dimensions discharged from the Russian batteries from the beginning of the siege to the end?
JACK. Frankly, my dear sir, I’m ashamed to say I never thought of counting them. (Aside to MRS. TARLETAN.) I wish to speak with all possible respect of this retired chemist and druggist of yours, but he’s simply an inflated idiot!
JOGTROT. But to return to Mr. Chirper.
JACK. Yes, give us a little more about Dicky!
JOGTROT (astonished). Dicky?
JACK. Yes, same thing! Chirpers are all Dickies—Dickies, Chirpers, don’t you see? Go on!
MARTHA, entering at L.
MARTHA. A gentleman, ma’am, sent in his card (giving card to MRS. TARLETAN).
MRS. T. (reading). “Mr. Christopher Chirper.” Show the gentleman in. (MARTHA goes to C., shows in CHIRPER, and then exits.)
Enter CHIRPER, in a similar costume to JOGTROT.
JOGTROT (meeting CHIRPER, and handing him forward and presenting him). Allow me, Mrs. Tarletan—Mr. Christopher Chirper. Miss Jessie—Mr. Christopher Chirper. (To JACK.) Sir, Mr. Christopher Chirper. (CHIRPER bows very solemnly to each.)
JACK (aside). A cheerful-looking youth, very! one part waiter, three parts undertaker!
MRS. T. (to CHIRPER). The flattering terms in which Dr. Jogtrot has spoken of you more than suffice to insure you a hearty welcome!
CHIRP. (bowing). I trust, madam, I may merit the favorable opinion of my distinguished friend! Permit me to say, I am not one of those giddy, thoughtless butterflies who consume their mental and moral faculties in mundane futilities.
JACK (after a long stare at CHIRPER—then aside). He’s not a man, he’s a tract. (Aside to JESSIE, as he goes towards table.) Lively boy, isn’t he, Jessie? (Sits and turns over leaves of an album.)
CHIRP. My mode of life is simplicity itself. I rise at seven—
JACK. Oh, confound it!—hang it!—dash it! (turning over leaves rapidly).
CHIRP. Breakfast at eight—a slice of bread, a cup of milk; that constitutes my heartiest meal. I then walk for an hour in the square; dine at six.
JACK (who has come down again). Another cup of milk? You ought to keep a cow, Chirper, in the square.
CHIRP. I then plunge into my favorite studies, till I retire to my pillow. Such is my life, madam.
JACK. And a very jolly one, too, I should say, Chirper.
CHIRP. Ladies, I must now request permission to retire. I am due at the Philotechnic Institution.
MRS. T. (to CHIRPER). You’ll return to luncheon, I hope?
JACK. Of course he will. (To CHIRPER.) Of course you will (thrusting CHIRPER’S hat and umbrella into his hands). I’ll see there’s an extra ha’porth of milk taken in for you (putting CHIRPER’S hat on his head).
[CHIRPER and JOGTROT bow to JESSIE and exeunt at C., MRS. TARLETAN going up stage with them.
MRS. T. (coming down). A very, very agreeable young man indeed.
JESSIE (satirically). Yes; so remarkably sprightly.
JACK. With about as much humor in him as a damp umbrella.
MRS. T. (a little nettled). I repeat, Mr. Chirper is a very agreeable person. I would put it to anybody—to the very first comer.
JACK. Would you? That’s a bargain (seeing BLUNT, who appears at C.). There’s my man, Stephen Blunt—he’ll do; you said the first comer. Here, Blunt (BLUNT advances), tell me what’s your opinion of the gentleman who has just gone?
BLUNT (aside to JACK, knowingly). All right, captain, I haven’t forgot. (Aloud.) Well, sir, I think he’s charming, delightful, first-chop.
JACK (quickly). No, no! I mean the other—the young one.
BLUNT. Well, sir, I think he’s first-chop, too.
JACK. Ugh! triple dolt, brute, idiot. (BLUNT about to speak.) Silence! get out! Stop, come and dress me! Ugh! pudding-head (shakes his fist at BLUNT and hurries out L. H., followed by BLUNT).
MRS. T. Why, what’s the matter with the boy? such a temper all of a sudden.
JESSIE (pouting). No wonder; he sees well enough that you’re tired of me—that you want to get rid of me—that you—oh! oh! oh!
[Runs out crying at R.
MRS. T. (astonished). There’s some mystery here I must clear up. Jessie! Jessie!
[Hastens out after JESSIE at R.
JACK (without, at L. H., very loud and angrily). Hold your tongue! don’t answer me! don’t be insolent!—there, there! (Enters hurriedly from L. H.) Wheugh! I’m better now I’ve let off some of the steam! ha, ha! Poor old Blunt (stopping suddenly). Stop, there’s nothing to laugh at. I know I was a little bit out of temper—whose fault but his if I was?—with his infernal “first-chop;” but I’d no business to strike the poor fellow, with my foot especially; I ought to be ashamed of myself. Ought to be? I am! Here he comes (seeing BLUNT, who enters at L. H., looking pale and serious; after a little hesitation JACK walks up to him). Stephen Blunt, I ask your pardon; there, that’s settled; now shake hands (holds out his hand; BLUNT looks away). I’m sorry, Blunt, very sorry; would you like to kick me? or shall I kick myself? I’ll try if you like!
BLUNT. I’d rather you had blown my brains out, captain. If any other man in the world had—had—you know what I mean—I’d have knocked him down.
JACK (quietly). Then knock me down!
BLUNT. As you are now, sir? no! but in a fair stand-up fight I would!—at least I’d try!
JACK (with sudden excitement). What’s that? Stand-up fight? this sort of thing? (sparring and hitting out).
BLUNT (with a broad grin). That’s it, sir! If you’d only just let me knock you about for a round or two, I should feel like a man again!
JACK (aside). I rather like this! I do, by Jove! There’s some fun in having one’s head punched by one’s servant! (Aloud.) All right, old boy! you shall have satisfaction after your own fashion! Look out for some nice quiet spot, and in ten minutes’ time we’ll have it out; in the mean time, mum, not a word.
[BLUNT runs out at C., rubbing his hands in high glee.
JACK (after a pause). I’d better by half have stopped in China! I can’t stop here! I can’t look quietly on—probably with my eye bunged up—and see the woman I love married to a Dicky! No, no; I’ll pack up at once!
(MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE have entered R. H. during the above.)
MRS. T. (overhearing). Pack up?
JACK. Yes, aunt. I’m off—good-by!
MRS. T. Off? Where—where?
JACK. I don’t know; somewhere or other—if not there, somewhere else. Good-by!
MRS. T. John Pepperpot, you are deceiving me! I want the truth! you hear, sir, the truth!
JACK. Do you? then you shall have it! I love Jessie—there! now you’ve got it!
JESSIE (joyously). You hear, aunty? He loves me; me whom you are about to sacrifice—to immolate! (in a tragic tone).
JACK. On the altar of a Chirper! (in a similar tone).
JESSIE. It’s cruel!
JACK. Barbarous!
JESSIE. Inhuman!
JACK. Savage!
MRS. T. (who has been trying to speak). Will you let me speak? (To JACK.) You say you love Jessie?
JACK. Awfully!
MRS. T. Well—unless, indeed, Jessie objects—
JESSIE (very quietly). But I don’t!
MRS. T. In that case, the sooner you get married the better!
JESSIE. Oh, you kindest, best of aunties! (kissing her).
MRS. T. Well, Jack, have you nothing to say to me?
JACK. Only this: that you can’t form the faintest idea what a trump you are!
MRS. T. (suddenly). But what about poor Mr. Chirper? He’ll be here presently.
JACK. Of course, the sooner we put Dicky’s pipe out the better.
MRS. T. I will speak to Dr. Jogtrot myself, and beg him to break the intelligence to his young friend.
JACK. Very well (seeing BLUNT, who crosses at back). Blunt, by Jove! (Exchanges a sign with BLUNT, who disappears.) Excuse me for a few minutes—I’ll be back directly (hurries up towards C., running against JOGTROT, who enters). Beg pardon. (Aside to him.) My aunt’s got a little bit of news for you that’ll rather astonish your upper works.
[Runs out at C.
MRS. T. You had better retire, Jessie. (Aside to her.) Leave everything to me!
[JESSIE exits at R. H.
JOGTROT. It seems, my dear lady, you have a communication to make to me?
MRS. T. I have; a very important one! I have just made a discovery which I confess has given me the greatest possible pleasure. In a word, my nephew loves Jessie, and Jessie loves my nephew!
JOGTROT (very quietly). In other words, Mr. Chirper is expected to resign his pretensions in your nephew’s favor?
MRS. T. Exactly!
JOGTROT. My answer, madam, will be brief! I presented Mr. Chirper as a candidate for the hand of your niece, and, my word, you received him graciously. I cannot, therefore, become an accomplice in your inconsistency, not to say caprice!
MRS. T. (impatiently). But don’t I tell you the young people love each other?
JOGTROT (very quietly). What of that?
MRS. T. (indignantly). What of that?
JOGTROT. I myself have loved, madam!
MRS. T. But perhaps the lady did not love you in return?
JOGTROT. She did, madam, intensely! and married her dancing-master!
MRS. T. (in a compassionate tone). Dear, dear! Of course you were inconsolable!
JOGTROT. No, madam, I went in for trigonometry, and that cured me! Why should your nephew not do the same?
MRS. T. Jack go in for trigonometry? ha! ha! Come, my dear doctor, you’ll explain the state of affairs to Mr. Chirper, won’t you? (coaxingly).
JOGTROT (very stiffly). Certainly not, madam!
MRS. T. (angrily). Then I will—and in the mean time I beg to assure you that I consider you a very uncivil, unamiable, and intensely disagreeable person!
[Exit at L. H.
JOGTROT. Umph! a decided check for Chirper—who, if he loses the young lady, will also lose the thousand pounds I owe him. But it isn’t necessarily checkmate. No, no! as the young lady’s legal guardian I shall have something to say yet!
Enter JACK hastily at C., putting on his coat.
JACK (laughing as he enters). Ha! ha! poor old Blunt! he soon had enough of it! (Seeing DOCTOR.) Well, you’ve seen my aunt—eh? She rather astonished you, didn’t she? But really, now (taking JOGTROT’S arm familiarly), you never thought your man had the ghost of a chance, did you?
JOGTROT. My man?
JACK. Yes, Dicky! here he is! (going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters at C.). (Aside to him.) Our intellectual friend has something to tell you! Be a man, Dicky (slapping him on the back). It’s no use crying over spilt milk, my Trojan!
[Exit at C., CHIRPER staring after him in astonishment.
JOGTROT (aside). There are circumstances under which a fib becomes a duty. (Aloud, and grasping CHIRPER’S hand.) I congratulate you, she’s yours! At least she will be!
CHIRPER (very quietly). Oh, joyful tidings.
JOGTROT. But it is possible you may have a rival.
CHIRPER (very quietly again). Oh, maddening thought!
JOGTROT. But follow my advice and you shall win her yet. Never leave her side! say all sorts of tender things to her. By-the-bye, have you brought her a bouquet? No! Then go and get one—the bigger the better. Go at once—recollect, the bigger the better (hurrying CHIRPER up stage, who goes out at C., shouting after him)—the bigger the better!
JOGTROT (coming down—then suddenly). By no means a bad idea of mine; at any rate, it’s well worth the trial! Surely this fire-eating captain must have some blemish—some small vice or other, I don’t care how small. I’ll undertake to stretch it as far as it will go! Here comes his servant; I may be able to squeeze something out of him.
Enter BLUNT at C., one of his cheeks very swollen.
JOGTROT (beckoning BLUNT). Here, my worthy creature! I wish to speak to you. (BLUNT touches his cap and advances.) A swollen face, I see! Toothache?
BLUNT. No, sir. I’ll tell you how it was. I makes a feint with my left (hitting out, JOGTROT skips back), when slap comes a right-hander straight from the elbow (hitting out again, JOGTROT skips back again), and catches me bang on the—
JOGTROT. Yes; yes! exactly; but tell me, have you been long with your gallant master?
BLUNT. Better than ten years, sir!
JOGTROT. The more to your credit, my fine fellow! here’s a sovereign (gives money).
BLUNT. Thankee, sir! (Aside.) What’s his little game, I wonder?
JOGTROT. I like the captain! I like him much! Rather a lively temper, perhaps; a little bit quarrelsome—eh? slightly pugnacious—umph!—and a sad fellow among the women, I’m afraid! Ha! ha! ha! (poking BLUNT in the side).
BLUNT. Who? Master? Not he! Only bring him face to face with a pretty wench, and see if he don’t stand there a-stammering and blushing like any big lubberly school-boy.
JOGTROT (aside). The scoundrel won’t speak! (Aloud.) I gave you a sovereign just now; oblige me by getting it changed for me.
BLUNT (aside). So, so. Wanted to pump me, did he? I’ll bring him a pound’s worth of coppers!
[Goes up, meets JACK, who enters at C., stops and whispers JACK, pointing to JOGTROT, then exit at C.
JACK. So, so! my serious friend, you not only, as my aunt tells me, refuse to withdraw your man, but you’ve been pumping Blunt about me, have you? (touching JOGTROT on the shoulder). You can spare me time for half a dozen words? Thank you (very quietly). It seems you are not over and above anxious that I should marry my cousin? (very quietly).
JOGTROT. Frankly, I am not!
JACK (still very quietly). May I ask why?
JOGTROT (aside). He doesn’t seem very explosive. I’ll go it a bit! (Aloud.) In the first place, from my limited acquaintance with military men, I confess—I—(shrugging his shoulders).
JACK (still very quietly). Well, sir?
JOGTROT (aside). He doesn’t seem at all explosive! I’ll go it another bit. (Aloud.) And although you have left the army, you can scarcely have failed to contract certain habits and pursuits, which, in my opinion, are more or less antagonistic to happiness in the married state!
JACK (aside). I’m getting the fidgets in my right leg! (Aloud.) In short, you look upon me as a decidedly disreputable person? (with difficulty restraining his passion).
JOGTROT (alarmed and very quickly). I didn’t say so! (Aside.) I sha’n’t go it any more bits. (Aloud.) But seriously! you don’t, you can’t really believe you love your cousin? You’ve only just returned from China.
JACK. What of that, as long as I didn’t leave my heart behind me?
JOGTROT. Still, this sudden, very sudden, remarkably sudden attachment, some people might be ill-natured enough to—to—to—
JACK (with increasing impatience). When you’ve quite done “to—to—toing,” perhaps you’ll get on.
JOGTROT. I repeat, some people might attribute to the lady’s fortune, rather than to the lady herself (with intention).
JACK. Fortune? What, Jessie? (After a short pause.) Well, so much the better! Not that I was aware of it.
JOGTROT (smiling significantly). Oh, you were not aware of it, eh?
JACK (checking his anger). I have said so once, sir!
JOGTROT (smiling satirically). Yes, you said so, certainly!
JACK (gulping down his anger, and very quietly). Have you quite done? Then suppose we change the conversation! Now, if the thing were properly put to you, which do you think you would prefer?—having your nose pulled (JOGTROT retreats), a sound horse-whipping (JOGTROT takes another jump backward), or a good kicking (swinging his right leg about; JOGTROT rushes out at C.).
JACK. Ha! ha! ha! (Suddenly stopping.) Zounds! these infernal little pets of mine will be the ruin of me! Of course he’ll tell aunt—she’ll scold—Jessie’ll blubber—so shall I—at least I’ll try. Our marriage will be— But he can’t have left the house yet! I’ll run after him! Memorandum for the future—when you feel a sudden impulse to strangle a man, do it.
[Runs out at C. after JOGTROT.
Enter MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE, followed by JOGTROT.
MRS. T. Surely, doctor, you must be mistaken? the thing is impossible!
JOGTROT. I grieve to say I have it from the best authority! an eye-witness. Half an hour ago, almost under this very roof, your nephew was engaged in a low, vulgar, disreputable, pugilistic encounter with his own servant!
MRS. T. A pugilistic encounter? But the reason?—the motive?
JOGTROT (with malicious intention). Is perhaps not very difficult to guess! Your waiting-woman, my informant, is a very comely young person; both master and man may have noticed it too—young men will be young men—a little jealousy perhaps? (MRS. TARLETAN hastily rings small bell which is on the table.)
Enter MARTHA at R. H.
MRS. T. Come here, Martha! You have informed Doctor Jogtrot that you witnessed a scene recently, which I need not describe, between Captain Pepperpot and his servant. Is this true?
MARTHA. Yes, ma’am; they were hard at it, ma’am, behind the summer-house, ma’am, a fisticuffing one another (imitating absurdly).
MRS. T. Tell me, has this man—Blunt, I think, is his name—ever given you reason to think he—admires you?
MARTHA. Only so far as saying I was a niceish sort of girl! But lots have told me that!
JESSIE (very eagerly). And—his master—perhaps he may have—
MARTHA. Well, miss, the captain has certainly chucked me under the chin once or twice, but lots have done that!
MRS. T. You can go, Martha!
[Exit MARTHA at R. H.
JESSIE. Oh, auntie, this is dreadful! I never could have believed it of Jack! never! (stops on a sign from MRS. TARLETAN, who sees JACK enter at L. H.).
JACK (as he enters hurriedly). Can’t find him anywhere. (Seeing JOGTROT.) So, so! he’s stolen a march on me. (Aside to MRS. TARLETAN.) Aunty, I suspect our serious friend here has been giving you his version of a certain little trumpery affair that—that—
MRS. T. (coldly). He has!
JACK. Well, I confess I was just a trifle hasty! One of my little pets, you know; but if you only knew the provocation—
MRS. T. (satirically). We do know the provocation!
JESSIE (imitating MRS. TARLETAN’S tone). Yes, we do know the provocation!
MRS. T. Come with me, doctor! We must have a little conversation—serious conversation!
JOGTROT. At your service, my dear madam. (Aside.) I wonder how our gallant friend feels now!
[Exit at C. with MRS. TARLETAN, JACK staring after them bewildered.
JACK. Jessie!
JESSIE (very dignified). Sir!
JACK (astonished). “Sir!” What’s the matter? You seem annoyed—vexed.
JESSIE. I am!
JACK. Will you tell me why?
JESSIE (with comic severity). Ask your conscience, young man!
Enter MARTHA at C., carrying an enormous bouquet.
MARTHA. This beautiful nosegay, miss—just come—with Mr. Chirper’s compliments.
[Gives nosegay, and exit R. H.
JESSIE. What a lovely bouquet! How very polite of Mr. Chirper!
JACK (sulkily). There’s plenty of it; looks more like a bunch of greens! Of course, Jessie, you won’t accept it?
JESSIE (coldly). Why not? I’m fond of flowers!
JACK. Yes, but you’re not fond of Dicky! Come, Jessie, you’ll return that bunch of greens—I mean that nosegay—to Mr. Chirper, won’t you?
JESSIE (pretending to admire the flowers). Certainly not!
JACK (checking his rising anger). Take care, Jessie! I ask you once again!
JESSIE. I shall keep it!
JACK (tenderly). Jessie!—cousin!
JESSIE. I repeat, I shall keep it!
JACK (furious). You shall not! (snatching bouquet from JESSIE and tearing it to pieces). There, there, there! (JESSIE screams).
Enter MRS. TARLETAN at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT.
JESSIE. Oh, aunty (running to her), and you, sir (to JOGTROT), protect me from the violence of my cousin! Because Mr. Chirper sent me a nosegay, he has snatched it from me and torn it to pieces!
JOGTROT (advancing to JACK). Young man, I am amazed—
JACK. Go to the devil! (furiously; JOGTROT beats a retreat).
MRS. T. (sorrowfully). Oh, Jack, Jack!
JACK. Harkee, aunt, it strikes me I’ve been made to play rather a ridiculous part here. First, it’s all Dicky, then it’s all me! Now, it’s all Dicky again! One would almost think I had been used merely as a bait to catch a bigger fish!
MRS. T. (reproachfully). Oh, nephew, nephew!
JOGTROT (advancing). If you allude to Mr. Chirper, sir—
JACK. Damn Mr. Chirper!
[Hurries up, giving nosegay a violent kick, and exit L. H., slamming door violently after him.
MRS. T. What a dreadful scene.
JESSIE (half crying). I’ll never marry him!—never! never! never! (picking up the flowers).
MRS. T. Reflect, Jessie, reflect!
JESSIE. I have reflected (trying to restrain her tears). Mr. Chirper may be a trifle slow—and too fond of milk—but he wouldn’t be always chucking young women under the chin—and fisti—fisti—cutting—I mean cuffing!
JOGTROT. Then I may at once convey the joyful tidings to the thrice-happy Chirper.
JESSIE. (harshly). Yes! yes! the sooner the better.
[JOGTROT hurries out at C.
MRS. T. Oh, my darling! I fear you have been too rash—too impetuous.
JESSIE. No! I—I—(suddenly throwing herself sobbing violently into MRS. TARLETAN’S arms).
BLUNT (heard without). All right, captain!
Enter BLUNT at L. H., carrying a portmanteau.
MRS. T. (to BLUNT). Where are you taking that luggage?
BLUNT. To the nearest hotel hereabouts, ma’am. Master’s off directly, and I’m going with him!
MRS. T. Oh, then you bear him no malice?
BLUNT. Malice—me! What for, ma’am?
MRS. T. Pshaw!—in a word, I know what has lately taken place between you.
JESSIE. Yes! the fisti—fisti—you know (with a lame imitation of sparring).
MRS. T. (with intention). And we also know the cause!
BLUNT. Do you? and do you think I’d leave the captain just because of a little—little bit of a—kicking?
MRS. T. What? Then it wasn’t about—her?
BLUNT (surprised). Her?
JESSIE. Yes. M—Martha!
BLUNT. What! me and master fall out about a petticoat? Ha! ha! Not we! I suppose I had offended him somehow or other, and he got into one of his “little pets,” and—struck me—not with his hand, ma’am. It nearly broke my heart. He saw it, and, like a true gentleman as he is, he asks me, with almost tears in his eyes, to give him a good hiding, and we sets at it at once then and there; and that’s all about it, ma’am.
MRS. T. (suddenly). Take that luggage away. Not a word. Remember, I am commanding officer here! (BLUNT makes a salute). In the mean time I’ll see your master.
JESSIE. Yes, we’ll see your master.
BLUNT. Do please, ladies; and if you’d only try just to cheer him up a bit.
JESSIE (eagerly). Is he unhappy, then?
BLUNT. All I know is, as he was ramming his things into his portmanteau with his fists—this sort of thing (imitating).—I saw a great big one hanging to the tip of his nose.
JESSIE. A great big what? Not a tear?
BLUNT. Yes, miss! he said it was a cold in his head, but I know better.
JACK (heard from room L. H.). Blunt! Blunt!
BLUNT. Coming, sir! (about to run to the door L. H.).
MRS. T. (pointing to C.). That way, if you please. Remember, obedience is the first duty of a soldier.
[BLUNT makes a salute, and exit at C. with portmanteau.
JESSIE. Oh, aunty! only fancy poor Jack with a tear hanging to the tip of his great big nose—I mean, a great big tear! Why, why did you let me tell my guardian that I’d never marry Jack? Do run after him, and tell him I’ve changed my mind, and that I’ll never, never, never marry any one else. Do make haste, aunty dear. Do be a little bit impetuous like me (during this she has urged MRS. TARLETAN towards C.).
MRS.T. (laughing). Spoiled child! spoiled child! (kisses her, and hurries out at C.).
Enter JACK at door L. H., dressed in tweed travelling suit, an overcoat over his arm, and a small bag in his hand.
JACK (stops on seeing JESSIE). A thousand pardons, Jes—I mean Miss Manvers. I expected to find my aunt.
JESSIE (archly). And you are disappointed at finding only me?
JACK (aside). What unseemly levity! (Aloud.) I cannot leave her roof without wishing her good-by.
JESSIE. Of course not—but you’re not going? (smiling).
JACK (assuming a very dignified manner). I beg your pardon, miss!
JESSIE (imitating JACK). I beg yours, sir!
JACK. What! remain here and see you married?
JESSIE. Of course; how can I get married unless you do remain?
JACK (indignantly). You don’t expect me to give Dicky away, I hope?
JESSIE. No; but I certainly do expect you will give yourself away! and to me who love you, oh, so dearly!
JACK (throwing away his coat, etc., and clasping JESSIE in his arms). Jessie darling! But what—what does it all mean?
JESSIE (very rapidly). That I know why you got fisti—fisti—you know—with your servant; that it wasn’t about Martha at all; that all my guardian said about you was a great big story!
JACK. Oh! oh! So old Jogtrot has been poking his ugly nose into my affairs again, has he? (Savagely.) I’ll wring it off!
JESSIE (holding up her finger). Now listen to me, Cousin Jack; if you cannot and do not control that dreadfully peppery temper of yours—
JACK (very quickly). But I will! I swear it by—by this (taking small hand-bell off table). Now, Jessie, if ever you see me getting the least little bit frantic, you’ve only to—
JESSIE. I understand (taking bell and ringing it).
JACK. That’s it!
JESSIE (looking towards C.). Here comes my guardian; now do as I tell you. Go over there (pointing; JACK moves a few paces from her); farther than that! Now cross your arms (JACK obeys); look sulky!
JACK. This sort of thing? (putting on a sulky look).
JESSIE. Worse than that (JACK puts on a hideous grimace). That’s better! Now turn your back to me (JACK obeys; JESSIE also turns her back on JACK).
JACK (looking round). Isn’t there time just for one kiss?
JESSIE. No—no.
JACK. Only a tiny one!
JESSIE. Hush! (they both hastily resume their positions back to back).
Enter JOGTROT at C.
JOGTROT (seeing them). Dos-à-dos! The lady pouting—the gentleman frowning! Then the storm I contrived to raise is still at its height (coming down and touching JACK on the shoulder; JACK turns to him with an intensely savage expression of face, making JOGTROT start back).
JOGTROT (in a soothing tone). Cheer up, my gallant young friend; the sex, you know, is capricious—“sipping each flower, changing each hour.” It is sad—very sad!
JACK (sulkily). For me, not for you, who have always opposed my marriage with my cousin.
JOGTROT. I? On the contrary, not ten minutes ago I asked her if she had any lingering affection for you, and her answer was—
JESSIE. That I would marry Mr. Chirper.
JOGTROT. There, there! you hear?
JESSIE. Yes, but (imitating JOGTROT), “the sex is so capricious,” you know—“sipping each flower, changing each hour.” So now, Guardy, I’ll marry Jack, please (bobbing a courtesy; then running to JACK, who takes her in his arms).
JOGTROT (shouting). Stop! that’s all wrong (seeing MRS. TARLETAN and CHIRPER, who enter at C.). You’re just in time, madam! There’s a gigantic, a colossal mistake here!
MRS. T. (smiling). A mistake? Not at all!
JOGTROT. Not at all! Am I to understand, then, madam, that after the deplorable—scandalous scene of this morning—
MRS. T. Which has been fully explained, and will never be repeated!
JACK. Never! I’ve sworn it (looking at JESSIE and pointing to the small bell on the table). No more tempers, no more “little pets.”
JOGTROT (aside). One more chance! (Aloud.) All I desire is my ward’s happiness! happiness!—poor girl! (shrugging his shoulders and giving a deep sigh).
JACK (bristling up sharply.) What’s that?
JOGTROT (sneeringly). I believe, sir, I have already expressed my opinion of military men—as husbands!
JACK (threateningly). Take my advice, sir, and leave military men alone, or else— (JESSIE takes small bell and rings it; JACK falls into chair laughing.)
JOGTROT. In a word—
MRS. T. Pardon me, doctor, you have said quite enough already!
JESSIE (indignantly) More than enough, Doctor Jogtrot! (advancing on JOGTROT, who retreats; she follows him up). For the last ten minutes you’ve been insulting a better man than yourself, Doctor Jogtrot!—a far better man, Doctor Jogtrot!
JACK (aside). Halloa! here’s JESSIE getting into a pet! (takes second small bell and rings it; JESSIE and JACK fall into chairs roaring with laughter and ringing their bells, JOGTROT staring at them in astonishment).
CHIRPER (to JOGTROT, in a sympathizing tone). My dear respected friend—
JOGTROT (turning fiercely on CHIRPER). And you! standing there like a gaping idiot—ugh!
JACK. Oh, Dicky’s all right! he’s got his cow; hain’t you, Dicky?
CHIRPER. And the Philotechnic, where, by-the-bye, I am now due.
JOGTROT. So am I. Come along (slams his hat on his head, puts his arm in CHIRPER’S, swings him round, and drags him out at C.).
JACK (taking JESSIE’S hand). Mine! mine at last!
JESSIE (smiling). But remember. Jack, no more irritability, no more tempers.
JACK. No! Here, here I vow, protest, and declare is the last of Pepperpot’s little Pets! (kisses JESSIE’S hand as curtain falls).