Comediettas and Farces

DECLINED—WITH THANKS.

Original Farce, in One Act.

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DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

SCENE.—Exterior of a villa on the banks of the Thames at Teddington—house partly seen at L. H.—a low green railing round it, in C. of which is a small garden gate—rustic seats, flower-beds, etc., scattered about stage—garden wall at R. H.—door in C.—large portable bell hanging over it—bell heard and seen to ring—noise of voices in dispute heard outside.

SKRUFF (without). Don’t tell me! I saw you do it! You needn’t apologize! What do you say—“You ain’t a-going to?” Very well! (another violent ring at bell).

Enter SALLY from house and crossing to R.

SALLY. Who can it be ringing in that style, I wonder? (opens door in C. of wall).

SKRUFF enters hurriedly, holding his handkerchief to his face; he wears a white hat, red scarf, white waistcoat, cutaway coat, and very gay trousers; carries an umbrella.

SKRUFF (walking up and down). The young vagabond deliberately put his toe on a loose stone and squirted half a pint of muddy water into my eye! I saw him do it. He must be an old hand at it too, or he wouldn’t have taken such a good aim; but, luckily, I spied his name on his basket, and if I don’t spoil his trade for potatoes in this establishment my name’s not Skruff! (Takes out a note-book and writes in it “Spronks.”) There! and now, Spronks, my boy, look out for squalls! Some people may like being insulted with impunity—I don’t.

SALLY (who has been following SKRUFF to and fro the stage, at last stops him by the coat-tail). Now, then! what’s your business, young man?

SKRUFF. “Young man!”

SALLY. If you’ve come for the water-rate—or the gas—or the sewers—you must call again!

SKRUFF. Water-rate! Gas! Are you aware, young woman, that you’re addressing a gentleman?

SALLY. You don’t mean it? Well, that’s about the last thing I should have thought of! It only shows one mustn’t always judge by appearances.

SKRUFF (with importance). I happen to be a friend of your master’s.

SALLY. Well, I am surprised—’cause master’s so very particular—then how came you to ring the servants’ bell?

SKRUFF (aside). I never shall get out of that habit—been used to it so long, I suppose. (Aloud.) Is Mr. Gritty down?

SALLY. Can’t say, I’m sure, sir—but I know he ain’t up.

SKRUFF. Oh! at what time does he usually get up?

SALLY. Well, sir, that depends; but, as a rule, I’ve observed he usually gets up about his usual time.

SKRUFF. Does he indeed? (Aside.) There’s a flippancy about this young woman I don’t like. (Aloud.) Perhaps the young ladies, Mr. Gritty’s nieces, are down?

SALLY. Can’t say positively, sir—but I know they ain’t up.

SKRUFF (aside). I shall not interrogate this domestic any further. (Aloud.) Will you inform Mr. Gritty, with my compliments, that I have called to see him?

SALLY. Certainly, sir—but—

SKRUFF (impressively). I repeat, Will you inform Mr. Gritty that I have called? Do you think you can manage that?

SALLY. Well, sir, don’t you think it would be as well just to mention the name? Do you think you can manage that? Shall I take your card, sir?

SKRUFF. Yes! (taking out card-case). No! (Aside.) Cards cost a shilling a hundred. Why should I waste one on people I’ve hardly ever seen. (Aloud.) You can say—“Mr. Samuel Skruff.” Do you think you can remember that?

SALLY. “Skruff!” Not likely to forget it, sir—such an aristocratic name. (Bringing forward a three-legged rustic seat.) Like to sit down, sir?

GRITTY (heard from house at L.). Sally! My shaving water!—hot! all hot!

SALLY. Coming, sir!

[Runs into house L.

SKRUFF. Her name’s Sally, is it? (writing in note-book). Down goes Sally along-side of Spronks. (Seats himself and almost tumbles over.) What the deuce does old Gritty mean by having such rickety things as this about the premises?—to do a good turn to the wooden-leg makers, I suppose! (Sitting down very cautiously.) Now let me see what I’ve come down here for (consults note-book). Here we have it! (Reads.) “Florence Halliday,” “Hetty Halliday”—old Gritty’s two nieces. The fact is, dad wants to see me settled; that is, if I can make a good thing out of it! Well, he’s just heard on the extreme quiet that one of the young ladies is very soon coming in for £10,000!—unluckily he doesn’t know which of the two—so, on the strength of a former business acquaintance with old Gritty, he has trotted me down here to ferret the secret out, and if I get hold of the right scent I am to go the entire animal at once!—not likely I should waste any time about courtship and all that sort of thing. Not I! Only let me worm out which of the two has got the tin, and I’ll marry her to-morrow morning!—I can’t say fairer than that! (Looking about him.) Rather a niceish sort of place this! must have cost something! I hope old Gritty can afford it. Father says he was always fond of squandering his money and doing good. Doing good!—what is it, after all?—getting up a vainglorious reputation at the expense of people who stick to their money!

GRITTY (without, at L.). In the garden, is he? All right! I’ll find him!

Enter GRITTY from villa L. H.

GRITTY. Where is he? (he is in his morning-gown, and wears a wide-brimmed straw hat—sees SKRUFF). Ah! my dear Samuel—(seizing and shaking SKRUFF’S hand violently)—delighted to see you, Samuel—for I suppose you are Samuel—eh, Samuel? And how’s your father, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. And your mother, too, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. And your sisters—and your uncles—and your aunts—and all the rest of ’em—eh, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. Bless me, what a time it is since I’ve seen any of you—and to think that your father and I were partners when you were a baby—and a precious ugly little brat you were! I don’t see much alteration in you now, Samuel—I mean, not for the better. Yes, “Gritty & Skruff,” that was the name of the firm—“tailors”—“Conduit Street”—and a capital business it was, too—and is so still, I hope.

SKRUFF. Yes; better than ever. Father’s made heaps more money since you retired! Trade’s altered completely!

GRITTY. Has it? When I was in it we gave a first-rate article, paid good wages, and were satisfied with a fair profit.

SKRUFF. We manage matters better than that now!

GRITTY. How so?

SKRUFF. By adding the profit on to both ends. Putting down the wages and putting up the prices.

GRITTY. Well, well, every one to his taste! Your father chose London smoke and slaving on to amass a fortune. I preferred fresh air and a moderate competence, and so we parted. You’ll stay and dine with us to-day, of course?

SKRUFF. Thank you, Mr. Gritty. (Aside). I put a paper of sandwiches in my pocket. Never mind, they’ll keep a day or two.

GRITTY. And after dinner you can tell me to what I’m indebted for the pleasure of this visit. (Suddenly). By-the-bye, you’ll have a glass of wine? Of course you will! (Calling.) Sally! bring in that decanter of port out of the sideboard!

SKRUFF (aside). What extravagance!

GRITTY. Ha! ha! I remember I never could get your father to drink anything stronger than raspberry vinegar drowned in water—and what a wretched looking object he was!—the color of gingerbread and as thin as a pair of nut-crackers! Do you know, Samuel, the more I look at you the more you remind me of him?

Enter SALLY from house with decanter and wine-glasses on a tray, which she places on a small table in C.—GRITTY sits L. and SKRUFF R. Exit SALLY into house.

GRITTY (pouring out a glass of wine). There, Samuel—tell me what you think of that (SKRUFF sips the wine). Zounds, man, it won’t hurt you, down with it! (SKRUFF takes down the wine at a gulp, almost choking himself.)

GRITTY (after tossing off his glass of wine). How the deuce is it that my old friend Skruff hasn’t found his way down to see me all these years?

SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, Mr. Gritty, my father has often talked of paying you a visit— Thank you, I don’t mind taking just one more glass (holding out his glass to GRITTY, who fills it—SKRUFF tosses it down.) Let me see—I was saying—

GRITTY. That your father has often talked of paying me a visit.

SKRUFF. Exactly—but the fact is— Well, since you insist upon it, I don’t mind just half a glass more (holding out his glass—GRITTY fills it half full.)

GRITTY. I think you said half a glass?

SKRUFF. Did I?—far be it from me to contradict you, but—(GRITTY laughs and fills up SKRUFF’S glass, which SKRUFF again tosses off.)

GRITTY. Now you haven’t told me why my old friend hasn’t been down to see me all these years.

SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, it’s such an awful expense to get down here!

GRITTY. What! from Putney to Teddington—eighteenpence second-class return? Surely that wouldn’t have ruined him!

SKRUFF (aside). If ever old Gritty becomes my uncle-in-law, I shall have to put a stop to all these extravagant notions of his.

GRITTY. Well, it seems you didn’t grudge the expense.

SKRUFF. Not a bit of it, because I didn’t go to it! I got a lift in our butcher’s cart to Richmond—then on to Twickenham with a benevolent baker, and walked the rest.

GRITTY (aside). A careful young man this! but I’m afraid my old friend has made a trifling mistake in his calculations. He used to say it was time enough to make a gentleman when you’d made your money—but in my opinion, a man can’t begin a bit too soon! (Aloud.) Now, Sammy, come and take a stroll round the grounds, and I’ll introduce you to my nieces, a couple of nice girls, Sammy! I hope you’re a lady’s man (poking him in the ribs), ha! ha!

SKRUFF. Well, as a rule, the sex is rather partial to me!—ha! ha! (giving GRITTY a poke in the ribs).

GRITTY. Is it? Well, there’s no accounting for taste!

SKRUFF. You see, father’s well off—and the pickings ’ll be uncommon good when the old boy pops off!—a great attraction to the female mind, Mr. Gritty!

GRITTY. I dare say; but luckily, my girls will not have to look to money as the main thing! (Looking round, and then in a confidential whisper to SKRUFF.) Ten thousand pounds, left by a rich old aunt! which may probably fall to—

SKRUFF (very eagerly). Yes! to—to—

GRITTY (in a whisper). Florence!

SKRUFF (aside). Oh! that’s the one, is it? (Writing aside in note-book.) Then down she goes, “Sally! Spronks! Florence!”

GRITTY (continuing). Unless, indeed—

SKRUFF (quickly). Unless, indeed, what?

GRITTY. Hetty should turn out to be the lucky one!

SKRUFF (aside). Who’s to make head or tail out of this? (Aloud.) Then you don’t exactly know which of the two it is?

GRITTY. No, but I shall, as soon as Hetty comes of age, by which time, by-the-bye, both the girls must, according to the terms of the will, be married.

SKRUFF. Oh! (Aside.) It strikes me this is a dodge to get the two girls off with one legacy! (Aloud.) And when does Miss Hetty come of age?

GRITTY. In ten days.

SKRUFF. Ten days? Rather a short time to provide two husbands in?

GRITTY. Not at all! They’re already provided!—both of ’em!

SKRUFF. Already provided! (Aside.) And this is what I get for coming down here and wasting my income in travelling expenses! but I’ll make a fight of it yet! If they think they’re going to walk over the course they’ll find themselves mistaken! (Aloud.) And what sort of articles are these young chaps, eh? You can’t be too particular in selecting the pattern, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. Oh, they’re all right!—nice gentlemanly young fellows!

SKRUFF. Take care, Mr. Gritty!—I know pretty well what the general run of “gentlemanly young fellows” is!—they’re uncommon fond of running long tailors’ bills!

GRITTY. Well, you shall judge for yourself—they both dine here to-day!

SKRUFF. To-day? (Aside.) Then I haven’t much time to lose if I’m to cut ’em out! (Aloud.) You haven’t told me their names.

GRITTY. Oh! one is a military man, Captain Taunton of the Buffs—the other, Edward Mallingford, of the War Office!

SKRUFF (aside). Don’t remember either of their names—but they’re sure to be in debt somewhere or other—if I only had time to find out where! (Aloud.) And pray, which is which destined for, Mr. Gritty? (Aside.) It’s important for me to know that! (taking out his pocket-book on the sly).

GRITTY. Oh, there’s no secret about it—Florence is engaged to— (Seeing FLORENCE, who enters from house.) Oh! here she comes! And Hetty is going to marry—and here she comes (seeing HETTY, who follows FLORENCE from house).

GRITTY. Come here, my dears! (FLORENCE and HETTY come down). The son of my old partner, Mr. Samuel Skruff. (Introducing.) Mr. Samuel Skruff—my nieces—Miss Florence Halliday, Miss Hetty Halliday. (FLORENCE and HETTY courtesy.)

SKRUFF (bowing). Firm of Skruff & Son, Miss Florence! first-rate business, Miss Hetty! (To FLORENCE.) Our 13s. trousers is a fortune in itself! (To HETTY.) And as to our everlasting wear fabric, which we advertise so extensively, it is simply all plunder! (following HETTY and addressing her apart with much gesticulation, while FLORENCE comes down to GRITTY).

FLOR. Oh! uncle, dear! why do you ask your dreadful tailoring acquaintances here? Do try and get rid of this vulgar little man before Captain Taunton comes, or he’ll think he’s a relation!

[Retires up.

SKRUFF (aside). I’m getting on first-rate (joining FLORENCE, while HETTY comes down).

HETTY (to GRITTY). If this odious creature Skruff stays, you really must let him have his dinner in the kitchen. I dare say he’s used to it, Edward would be perfectly horrified at his vulgarity.

GRITTY. Can’t do that, my dear, but I’ll relieve you of his presence as much as I can! (To SKRUFF.) Now, Samuel, as you’ve made the acquaintance of the ladies, suppose we take a turn round the garden! (taking SKRUFF’S arm).

FLOR. By all means, Mr. Skruff; there’s such a beautiful view of the river from the lawn, Mr. Skruff!

HETTY. And we’ve such a nice boat, Mr. Skruff!

FLOR. You can paddle yourself about in it for hours, Mr. Skruff!

HETTY. Yes, the longer the better, Mr. Skruff!

GRITTY. Come along, Sammy! (twisting SKRUFF round—SKRUFF resisting).

HETTY. Good-bye, Mr. Skruff!

FLOR. Ta, ta, Mr. Skruff! (GRITTY drags SKRUFF off, struggling at R.)

FLOR. Well, Hetty?

HETTY. Well, Florence?

FLOR. Were you ever introduced to such an objectionable individual before?

HETTY. Never! and the creature evidently shows symptoms of falling in love.

FLOR. With me?

HETTY. With you? Don’t flatter yourself! with me! He was on the point of saying something very tender to me when you jealously monopolized his attention!

FLOR. Nonsense! I’m sure he was about to declare his passion for me when you cruelly dragged him away!

HETTY. Then it’s quite clear he means to marry one of us! If he honors me with the preference, I must refer him to Mallingford, ha! ha!

FLOR. And if he pops to me, he’ll have to settle the matter with Captain Taunton, ha! ha! ha!

Here CAPTAIN TAUNTON’S head appears above the wall at R.

TAUNT. Good-morning, ladies! Will you open the door or shall I storm the fortress? (HETTY runs and opens door R.; TAUNTON enters). Now, ladies, may I ask the cause of all this merriment, and whether there is any objection to my sharing in the joke?

FLOR. None at all, Harry; it simply means that Hetty is likely to become “Mrs. Samuel Skruff” vice “Edward Mallingford,” cashiered.

HETTY. Don’t be quite so positive, because it isn’t quite decided yet whether it will not be “Samuel Skruff” vice “Henry Taunton.” He’s a tailor, and a capital hand at cutting out.

TAUNT. A very bad joke that (they all laugh); but of course you can’t be serious?

HETTY. That will entirely depend, most gallant captain, on whether you are prepared to resign your pretensions! Your rival is a regular fire-eater, I can assure you.

TAUNT. And consequently one who would stand any amount of—kicking, eh?

FLOR. Ha! ha! But don’t you think it’s high time we dropped the tailor?

TAUNT. Certainly!

HETTY. Carried nem. con.—“of Samuel Skruff we’ve had enough.”

FLOR. But tell me, Harry, have you arranged for the payment of the thousand pounds?

TAUNT. Yes! and upon the most favorable terms.

FLOR. Then, not a single word to uncle on the subject until we give you permission. Remember that!

HETTY. Well, I must run away. You’ll have some little compassion on poor Mr. Skruff, won’t you, Florence? ha! ha! ha!

[Exit laughing into house L. H.

TAUNT. Now, perhaps you’ll enlighten me! Who the deuce is Skruff? Explain this Skruff.

FLOR. All I know of the interesting object of your inquiry is that he is the son of an old friend of my uncle’s; that the object of his visit here is to make a conquest, on the shortest possible notice, either of Hetty or your humble servant!

TAUNT. (savagely). Let Skruff beware how he poaches on my manor!

GRITTY (heard without). Now then, Florry, Hetty, where the deuce are you?

FLOR. There’s uncle calling; come along, Harry, I know how anxious you must be to make Mr. Skruff’s acquaintance—ha! ha!

[Exeunt FLORENCE and TAUNTON at back R.

Enter SKRUFF hurriedly at back from L.

SKRUFF. Confound old Gritty! Wouldn’t let me go till he’d dragged me through several acres of lettuces and spring onions; consequently the girls have vanished and I’ve lost my chance. Wish to goodness I knew which of the two was to have the money (bell rings).

SKRUFF (opening gate R. and seeing SPRONKS’S boy with basket on his arm). The youthful Spronks again. Come in!

SPRONKS (entering, then giving the basket to SKRUFF). Them’s the taters and them’s the ignuns!

SKRUFF. Of course; do you suppose I don’t know a tater from an ignun? (Aside.) I’ll see if I can’t pump a little information out of Spronks! (Aloud.) Been long in the neighborhood, Spronks?

SPRONKS. Ever since I’ve been in it, sir!

SKRUFF. Have you indeed?—then of course you know something about Mr. Gritty, eh?

SPRONKS. I know he’s a downright trump, and has always got a shilling to spare for them as wants it!—I wants one dreadful bad just now! (going—stops). Now don’t you go and forget—them’s the taters—(going).

SKRUFF. Stop a minute!—there’s—twopence for you! (giving money to SPRONKS’S boy, who turns to go). Don’t be in such a hurry. (Confidentially.) I dare say you hear a good deal of tattle from the servants, eh? (patting boy familiarly on the back)—here’s another twopence for you!—now about the money that’s coming to the young ladies—do you happen to have heard which of the two is likely to have it?

SPRONKS (looking round mysteriously). Well! I don’t mind telling you all I know!

SKRUFF. That’s right—here’s another twopence for you! Now then (taking out his note-book).

SPRONKS. Well, sir—I’ve been making no end of inquiries about it from servants and tradespeople, and at last I’ve found out—

SKRUFF (eagerly). Yes! yes!

SPRONKS. That I know just as much about it now as before I began—ha! ha! ha! (runs up to gate—stops). Don’t go and forget which is the taters!

[Runs out.

SKRUFF. That boy will end his days in penal servitude!

Enter SALLY from house.

SALLY. How late that boy is with the vegetables!

SKRUFF. Here they are, Sally—I took ’em in! (giving SALLY the basket)—them’s the taters!

SALLY. Thank’ee sir (going).

SKRUFF. Stop a minute, Sally! Do you know, I’ve taken quite a fancy to give you a shilling? (SALLY hurries back). (Aside.) That eagerness to collar the shilling convinces me that sixpence would have been enough! (Aloud.) Been long in the Gritty family, Sally?

SALLY. Ever since I first came, sir—not before.

SKRUFF. That’s a remarkable fact!—find yourself comfortable here, eh, Sally?

SALLY. Nothing much to complain of, sir; twelve pounds a year, everything found—except beer—and every other Sunday!

SKRUFF (aside). Except beer and every other Sunday! (Aloud.) And your young ladies, Sally. They treat you kindly, eh?

SALLY. Yes, sir. We get on very comfortably, my young Missussesses and me.

SKRUFF (aside.) She gets on very comfortably, her young Missussesses and she.

SALLY. They give me their old dresses and does their own hair.

SKRUFF. Oh! they does their own hair, does they? Ah! (with intention). It’s a nice thing, Sally, to come in for a hatful of money, eh?

SALLY. Yes, sir. Ever so much nicer than sixpence?

SKRUFF. Ah! Miss Hetty will be a fortunate girl, eh?

SALLY. Think so, sir?

SKRUFF. Unless, indeed, Miss Florence should be the lucky one? Now tell me, if you were a betting man, which color would you bet on?

SALLY. Well, I think I should take the fair one for choice!

SKRUFF (aside). Hetty, evidently.

SALLY. Unless the dark one should happen to come in first—but you can’t expect me to say any more for sixpence.

SKRUFF. Then the sixpence will have to stay where it was! (Pockets the coin.)

SALLY. All right! dare say you want it a deal more than I do! (Going—stops, and bobbing a courtesy.) Please sir, which did you say was the taters?—ha! ha!

[Runs off into house.

SKRUFF (looking after her). There goes another candidate for penal servitude! This sort of thing won’t do. I must make up my mind one way or the other, so I’ll make a bold stroke for Hetty and chance it! (During this speech HETTY has entered at L.—stops and listens.)

HETTY. So, so! Then I must prepare myself for an equally bold resistance (coming forward humming a tune).

SKRUFF (seeing her). Ah, Miss Hetty!

HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff!

SKRUFF. Do you know, Miss Hetty, I’m quite pleased with this little place of your uncle’s!—there’s something about it—a sort of a kind of a—umph!

HETTY. Yes. I have noticed myself that there’s something about it—a sort of a kind of a—(imitating SKRUFF).

SKRUFF. In short, it’s the sort of place one could live in altogether—I shouldn’t mind it myself—but not alone! (with a tender look at HETTY).

HETTY (with pretended sentimentality). Of course not, Mr. Skruff! “Who would inhabit this bleak world alone?” You would require a companion—with beauty—amiability—and—

SKRUFF (sentimentally). Ten thousand pounds! (Aside.) Neatly suggested!

HETTY. Ten thousand pounds! Why, that’s a fortune, Mr. Samuel!

SKRUFF (aside). Mr. Samuel! She’s coming round! By Jove! I’ll risk it—neck or nothing, here goes! (suddenly seizing HETTY’S hand.) If you had ten thousand pounds, Miss Hetty—do you think you could be happy with a gentleman like me? (very sentimentally).

HETTY (aside). A positive declaration! (hiding her face in her handkerchief to conceal her laughter—then trying to release her hand). Release my hand!—I beg!—I implore! If Captain Taunton should see us—

SKRUFF (aside). Captain Taunton!—the fellow that old Gritty was talking about!—after Hetty, is he? That’s a sure sign the money lies in this quarter! (Aloud.) Ah, Miss Hetty—these military gents seldom come to any good!—I should strongly advise you to give him up! I should indeed!—if he’s a gentleman, he won’t make any fuss about it!

HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff, you don’t know the captain—his very quietest moments are characterized by the most savage ferocity. Tell me (seizing his arm), can you shoot?

SKRUFF. Well, I used to be considered quite a crack shot at the bull’s-eye!

HETTY. At the Wimbledon meeting?

SKRUFF. No! at the end of a barrow—for nuts!

HETTY. That’s nothing! The captain can snuff a candle with a bullet at thirty paces!

SKRUFF. Can he? but doesn’t he find that rather an inconvenient substitute for snuffers?

TAUNT. (heard without at R.). Good-bye, then, for the present.

HETTY (starting, and pretending alarm). Ah! his voice—my absence has excited his suspicions—should he find us together we are lost! Break the painful intelligence to him gently—but be firm, Samuel, be firm! (Aside.) Now to tell Florence.

[Runs into house L.

SKRUFF. On second thoughts, perhaps I’d better not break the painful intelligence to him on our first interview, it would hardly be delicate. Besides, I really shouldn’t like to commit an act of violence on Gritty’s premises—it wouldn’t be the right thing to do! Here he comes! I’ll pretend not to notice him! (Seats himself at back at L., and taking out a newspaper, which he pretends to read.)

Enter CAPTAIN TAUNTON at back from R.

TAUNT. (not seeing SKRUFF). Yes! There is no doubt about it, it certainly was risking a good deal to raise that one thousand pounds; but who could resist Florence’s entreaties. One thing is quite certain—Mr. Gritty must know nothing about it.

SKRUFF (watching him over his newspaper). Old Gritty must know nothing about what?

TAUNT. The old gentleman has such a horror of accommodation-bills!

SKRUFF. Oh! oh! accommodation-bills, eh? That’s your little game, my fine fellow, is it? I’ve got him safe enough now, and can split upon him at any time. I wonder what he’s reading? (Seeing TAUNTON, rises and comes cautiously down behind him to look over his shoulder at the letter—stumbles.)

TAUNT. (looking round—aside). The tailor! (Aloud.) Perhaps you would like to read my private letters, sir?

SKRUFF. I should, very much— I mean no, of course not.

TAUNT. What were you going to say, Mr.—Stuff?

SKRUFF. Skruff! (Aside.) I wish Miss Hetty had broken the “painful intelligence” to him herself. I don’t relish the idea of being “snuffed out” at thirty paces. Never mind, I’ll risk it. (Aloud.) Captain Taunton, I believe?

TAUNT. Well, sir, what then? (angrily).

SKRUFF. Now don’t be jumping down my throat because I’ve an unpleasant duty to perform. In a word—I deeply regret to inform you—

TAUNT. (fiercely). You, sir?

SKRUFF. I mean. Miss Halliday begs me to inform you—

TAUNT. (impetuously). Go on!

SKRUFF. I’m going to go on, sir.

TAUNT. Miss Halliday begs you to inform me—what?

SKRUFF. That when she accepted you as a friend of the family she had no intention whatever of accepting you as a husband—and now, she thinks—I mean, imagines—I should say, believes, she’s made a slight mistake, because she finds she likes somebody else better.

TAUNT. What! (seizing SKRUFF by the collar and shaking him.)

SKRUFF. It’s no use giving way to your “savage ferocity,” sir; if you don’t believe me, you’d better go and ask Miss Hetty yourself.

TAUNT. (leaving hold of SKRUFF). Hetty! Did you say Hetty? (Aside.) One of her practical jokes evidently. Ha! ha! ha! (Pulls out his handkerchief and uses it to conceal his laughter, and at the same time drops the letter on stage.)

SKRUFF (in a compassionate tone to TAUNTON, who has still got his handkerchief to his face, and patting him commiseratingly on the back). Now don’t go and make yourself miserable because another fellow has stepped into the ten thousand pounds!

TAUNT. (aside). The mercenary rascal! I see Hetty’s “little game” now.

SKRUFF. Keep your pecker up, noble captain. I didn’t mean to cut you out, upon my life I didn’t!

TAUNT. (aside). I’ll humor the fellow. (Aloud, and with a very deep sigh.) Well, Mr.—Mr.—

SKRUFF. One moment (presents card to TAUNTON).

TAUNT. (reading). “Skruff—Tailor—Conduit Street. Orders promptly attended to.” Your information, Mr. Skruff, I confess, is not a pleasant one! Far from it, Mr. Skruff! (gives a very deep sigh).

SKRUFF. Now don’t go on sighing like that, or you’ll be doing yourself some frightful internal injury!

TAUNT. Hetty will make you a good wife, Mr. Skruff, and a good mother to the little Skruffs, Mr. Skruff. Might I ask to be allowed to stand godfather to your first, Mr. Skruff?

SKRUFF. My dear sir, you shall stand godfather to the first dozen or two if you like!

TAUNT. Thank you, Mr. Skruff—but alas! alas! what is to become of the poor abandoned, broken-hearted Taunton? (another very deep sigh).

SKRUFF. Well! I don’t like to advise—but I really don’t see why you shouldn’t chuck yourself in the water, especially if you can’t swim!

TAUNT. (very quietly). Drown myself—not I! I shall at once propose to the other sister!

SKRUFF (aghast). What! (seeing letter on stage, and putting his foot on it). You mean to propose to Miss Florence?

TAUNT. Yes! this very day, this very hour! I suppose I shall be safe in that quarter? You won’t have the heart to molest me there, Mr. Skruff. (Aside.) Now to let Mallingford know about this wretched little interloper! I shall be sure to meet him coming from the station! (Aloud, and grasping SKRUFF’S hand.) Good-bye, Mr. Skruff! you have acted nobly!—nobly!—nobly, Mr. Skruff!

[Shaking his hand violently, and going off at gate R.

SKRUFF. Have I? Don’t be too sure about that! Wheugh! I’ve got the most excruciating attack of pins and needles all up my leg in trying to hide this letter! (Picks it up.) The question is, ought I to read it? Of course I ought, or how should I know what’s in it. Here goes! (Reading letter.) “Dear Harry, I can raise the one thousand pounds on our joint acceptance, for a term—but for Heaven’s sake conceal this from Mr. Gritty. Yours, Teddy.” Teddy!—Teddy what? Teddy who? Yes; I remember now—I’ve got him down somewhere! (looking at his memorandum-book). Here he is!—“Edward Mallingford”—he’s old Gritty’s other young man! Here’s a bit of luck!—I’ve got both the young chaps in my clutches now. Ha! ha!—but stop a bit—(reflecting). Isn’t it rather strange, if the captain was really in love with Hetty, that he should give her up so quietly?—then the eagerness with which he bound me down not to cut him out with Florence. What if the money comes to her after all! Luckily, I haven’t quite committed myself yet—and what’s more, I won’t.

FLORENCE has entered from house and runs down eagerly to SKRUFF.

FLOR. (seizing SKRUFF’S hand). Hetty has told me all—all, Mr. Skruff. I cordially congratulate you on your conquest! (shaking SKRUFF’S hand violently).

SKRUFF (trying to remove his hand). I really don’t exactly understand— (Aside.) A clear case—they think they’ve hooked me. If Hetty had got the money they wouldn’t be so precious polite! (Aloud.) I’m afraid, miss, we’re laboring under some little mistake!

FLOR. Mistake? Not at all! Did you not propose to my sister?

SKRUFF. Propose? You mean pop? Ha! ha! ha! Excuse my laughing—but it really is so very ridiculous!

FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff—but your merriment is an insult. Poor Hetty! I’m afraid she’ll be quite broken-hearted!

SKRUFF (aside). Another broken-hearted one! It runs in the family!

FLOR. Besides, even if Captain Taunton resigns in your favor—

SKRUFF. He has! in the handsomest manner! He’s even proposed to stand godfather to our first! but, says I, “No, Taunton, my boy, certainly not,” says I, “I will not blight your young life, Taunton, my boy,” says I.

FLOR. How generous of you! (Aside.) The little hypocrite!

SKRUFF (aside). If Hetty doesn’t get the money, Florence must! That’s logic, so here goes! (Aloud.) Miss Florence, I hope you will pardon the liberty I am about to take—

FLOR. A liberty! from you—you whom I hope I may look upon as a friend! (with pretended earnestness).

SKRUFF. Dearest miss—you may!

FLOR. Then I may venture to ask your advice on a matter of the most vital importance to me!

SKRUFF (aside). Now for Teddy! If Teddy doesn’t catch it hot it’ll be no fault of mine! So look out for squalls, Teddy! (Aloud.) I think I can guess the subject you are about to refer to—a certain Mr.—Mr.—(taking a side look at his memorandum-book)—Edward Mallingford?

FLOR. Exactly!—do you know him?

SKRUFF. Personally, no!—professionally, as the signer of accommodation-bills by the bushel, intimately!

FLOR. Mr. Mallingford? There must be some mistake!

SKRUFF. Yes! it was a gigantic mistake on your old fool of an uncle’s part to admit him here at all! If he’d had a grain of common-sense he’d have seen that he only came here after your ten thousand pounds.

FLOR. (smiling). My ten thousand pounds!

SKRUFF (aside). She doesn’t deny it! Rapture!

FLOR. (drawing a long sigh). Ah! Mr. Skruff—what dangers surround the hapless girl destined by cruel fate to be an heiress!

SKRUFF (in a sympathizing tone). It must be very unpleasant! though I never was an heiress myself!

FLOR. Would that all men were as disinterested as you, sir!

SKRUFF. True, Miss Florence—for my part, if I were to marry a young lady with ten thousand pounds—

FLOR. You’d settle it all on herself—I know—I’m sure you would! The quiet charm of a country life would be unspeakable rapture to you! To help her to tend her flowers—to feed her poultry—to grow her own currants and gooseberries—

SKRUFF. And her own eggs—and new-laid butter!

FLOR. But alas! Mallingford is my uncle’s choice, and our union is irrevocable!

SKRUFF. It wouldn’t break your heart, then, to part with Teddy! because if you really do feel a sort of a sneaking kindness for me, I’ll do all I can for you, I will indeed.

FLOR. (with pretended emotion). Oh, Mr. Skruff!—but, of course—my uncle—ah! he’s here—

[Runs off hastily into house.

SKRUFF. She refers me to her uncle! nothing could be plainer! I’ll soon obtain his consent by enlightening his weak mind as to Master Teddy and his friend the captain!

Enter GRITTY at back.

GRITTY. Oh, here you are, Sammy! What the deuce have you been doing with yourself?

SKRUFF (aside). I must give old Gritty a lesson! (Aloud.) Mr. Gritty, allow me to remark, with the greatest possible respect, that you’re an infant! a positive infant!

GRITTY (looking at him—aside). Samuel’s been at the sherry!

SKRUFF. Yes, Gritty! there’s a simple confiding innocence about you that’s positively pitiable!

GRITTY (angrily). Gently, Samuel, gently! What the deuce are you driving at?

SKRUFF. In one word—what do you know about this Captain Taunton and Teddy?

GRITTY. Teddy! who the deuce is Teddy?

SKRUFF. Mr. Edward Mallingford.

GRITTY. That they’re as pleasant, gentlemanly a couple of young fellows as you’ll find in England! What have you to say against them, eh?

SKRUFF. Only this, that you’ve been done, Gritty—decidedly done!

GRITTY (aside). He decidedly has been at the sherry! (Aloud.) Your proofs, Mr. Skruff! (angrily).

SKRUFF. Nothing easier! Read that (hands letter to GRITTY).

GRITTY (reading). What’s this? Can I believe my eyes? Young men of good family—with handsome allowances—raising the wind in this disreputable manner! It’s disgraceful!—then to keep me in the dark—it’s petty! paltry! contemptible! (walking up and down).

SKRUFF (following him). That’s what I say! It’s petty! paltry! contemptible!

GRITTY (suddenly turning and facing SKRUFF). Look here, Skruff! if you’ve no particular desire to be strangled, you’ll hold your tongue! I’ll break off both engagements at once!

SKRUFF. That’s right!

GRITTY. They shall neither of them dine here to-day!

SKRUFF. Right again!

GRITTY (turning savagely on him and shouting). Will you hold your infernal tongue! (Shouting.) Florence! Hetty!

Enter FLORENCE and HETTY running from house—SALLY following.

FLOR.	}	(together). What’s the matter, uncle?
HETTY.

GRITTY. The matter, this! Florence, you’ll give up Taunton! Hetty, Mallingford no longer visits here!

FLOR.	}	(together). Oh, uncle!
HETTY.

SKRUFF (aside to FLORENCE). Rely on me. I’ll never forsake you!

HETTY. But, uncle dear!

SKRUFF (aside to her). Never mind! I won’t give up.

HETTY. You forget that if we’re not both married by the time I come of age—

FLOR. We shall neither of us get the money!

GRITTY (angrily). The money may go to the deuce!

SKRUFF. No! don’t say that, Gritty! (Aside to him.) I’ll take one of ’em! I don’t care which! (Aside.) What a pity I can’t marry them both! (Bell rings; SALLY runs and opens gate; enter TAUNTON and MALLINGFORD).

GRITTY. Here they both are! Captain Taunton (bowing distantly). I regret to inform you that the engagement between you and my niece is broken off! To you, Mr. Mallingford, I can only repeat the same.

TAUNT.	}	(astounded). You surely must be joking, sir.
MALLING.

SKRUFF (aside). Is he though! Stick to ’em, Gritty! stick to ’em!

TAUNT. (to GRITTY). We require to know your reasons, sir.

SKRUFF. Natural enough. By all means, Gritty. Give the gentlemen your reasons, Gritty.

GRITTY. In a word, then, this gentleman (pointing to SKRUFF) informs me—

SKRUFF (shouting). No such thing! I deny it! (Aside to GRITTY.) Don’t go and drag me into it.

GRITTY (handing letter to MALLINGFORD). Do you know this letter, sir?

MALLING. (starting). By all that’s unfortunate, Taunton, my letter to you!

TAUNT. About the one thousand pounds?

GRITTY. You confess it, then?

MALLING. One moment, sir! Knowing your objections to raising money on bills, my friend Taunton and I would certainly rather you had not seen this letter, but fortunately in this case no bill was necessary. You do not appear to have read the whole of the contents. (Opens letter, and presenting it to GRITTY.) Please to turn over the page.

GRITTY (turning over page of letter, and reading to himself). What’s this? Holloa, Samuel, you never told me to turn over!

SKRUFF. Turn over? What! at your time of life! You couldn’t have done it!

GRITTY (reading letter). “My brother has just returned to town, and I have got a check for the amount we require, so that the confidence of our kind old friend, Mr. Gritty, will not be abused after all.” Bravo! I say, Samuel, ain’t you glad to hear this, eh? (slapping SKRUFF on the back).

SKRUFF. Intensely! (Aside.) I wish I was well out of it!

GRITTY (to TAUNTON and MALLINGFORD). So you don’t owe a penny?

TAUNT. Not one farthing.

GRITTY. Then I apologize for my unjust suspicions—although I should like to know what you young fellows could want with one thousand pounds.

FLOR. Nothing very serious, uncle.

HETTY. Merely a commission which these gentlemen have undertaken for Florence and me.

GRITTY. For you?

FLOR. Yes; the purchase of the meadow behind the orchard, which you have always been so anxious to possess.

HETTY. To be our joint gift out of our fortune, uncle, when I came of age.

GRITTY. Bless their affectionate little hearts! (kissing FLORENCE and HETTY). Doesn’t this warm one up, eh, Sammy?

SKRUFF. Y-e-s—I do feel warmish! (Aside.) I’m in a raging fever! (Aloud.) Then I suppose, Mr. Gritty, there need be no further concealment as to which of the two (pointing to FLORENCE and HETTY) is the lucky heiress. (Aside.) It’s as well to know.

GRITTY. That’s all settled long ago—the ten thousand pounds will be divided equally between them.

SKRUFF. Oh! (Aside.) Well, after all, five thousand pounds less, that idiotic meadow is worth having; and I am tolerably secure in the affections of both heiresses—I’m pretty sure of getting one. (Beckoning aside to TAUNTON.) I believe, sir, I am correct in coming to the conclusion that your affections are fixed on the younger of Mr. Gritty’s nieces, Miss Hetty?

TAUNT. Sir! (indignantly).

SKRUFF. Now don’t fly out in that way—it’s perfectly immaterial to me—you can have your choice—nothing can be fairer than that!

TAUNT. Before I reply to your question, Mr.—Mr.—

SKRUFF. Skruff.

TAUNT. Mr. Skruff—perhaps you’ll be good enough to answer mine—how did you come to open a letter addressed to another?

SKRUFF. How did I open it? In the usual way, I assure you.

TAUNT. For which I have half a mind to give you a sound horsewhipping!

SKRUFF. My dear sir, as long as you have only half a mind, and keep to it, you may threaten me as much as you think proper. Besides, sir, as I flatter myself that Miss Florence honors me with her partiality—(bowing to FLORENCE).

FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff! Flattered by your proposal, but compelled to decline (courtesying very low and giving her hand to TAUNTON).

SKRUFF (aside). That’s no go. (Aloud.) How silly of me, to be sure! Of course, when I said Miss Florence I meant Miss Hetty (about to advance).

MALLING. (meeting him). Pardon me, Mr. Skruff! I have a prior claim (holding out his hand to HETTY). Dear Hetty!

HETTY (giving her hand to MALLINGFORD). Dear Teddy!

SKRUFF (aside). Another no go.

GRITTY. Why, Sammy, what a desperate fellow you are—have you been falling in love with both my girls?

TAUNT. With neither, Mr. Gritty—but desperately smitten with their ten thousand pounds!

GRITTY. Oh! oh! that was your little game, eh, Sam?

SKRUFF. I’ll trouble you not to Sam me, Mr. Gritty! I beg you to understand that I’m not going to stand Sam any longer! (drawing himself up). I sha’n’t stop to dinner, Gritty!

ALL (with pretended regret, and in a very appealing tone). Oh, don’t say so!

SKRUFF. But I do say so.

SALLY (aside to him). Now you haven’t told me which is the taters, sir!

SKRUFF. Open the gate, young woman! (SALLY goes to open gate.) Good-morning, Mr. Gritty! Good-morning, ladies! I hope you’ll be happy—though I wouldn’t give much for your chance. (Advancing rapidly to the front.) After all, perhaps I’ve had a narrow escape—who knows but I may have cause to be grateful that I have been declined—

ALL (with low courtesies and bows). With thanks!

As SKRUFF hurries up, accompanied with repeated bows and courtesies, the

CURTAIN FALLS.