TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:

Inconsistencies in hyphenation and spelling have not been corrected. Punctuation has been silently corrected. A list of other corrections can be found at the end of the document.

COMIC ARITHMETIC.

"Go the whole figure."—Sam Slick.

LONDON:
RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.
1844.

LONDON:
R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL.

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

•  Page
• The Sign of Equality—"Who are You?" 5
• The Sign of Subtraction 6
• A Pluralist 6
• The Sacred Haltar 7
• Dividing the Chinese, a cutting Joke 7
• The Poor Curate—The Bishop 9
• A Save-all  13
• Mihi Cura Futuri 14
• A Man of many Woes 15
• The Man who takes care of No. 1 22
• "Take from" 25
• Taken in and done for 27
• "Who steals my Purse steals Trash." 28
• "Forking up." 33
• Lawyer dividing the Oyster 37
• The Lion's Share 40
• The Insolvent Trap.—"The Law binds, but the Law looses" 44
• "Blowed Puffery" 50
• "Out of Proportion" 52
• Called to Account 54
• "The nearest Way to a Man's Heart" 55
• A Sliding Scale 57
• "Broken Down" 59
• Fractional Signs 60
• An Ancient and Modern Mug 62
• Knocking down the Lot 71
• Done by Interest 72
• At a Premium and Discount 73
• The Old and New Principle—both with Credit 74
• The Tin-der Passion 76
• Faith and Duty 77
• The Gallipot Crane 83
• The Carpenter Woodpecker 84
• The Red-tape Snipe 85
• The Heron 86
• A Decimal Figure 89
• A Strong Tithe 90
• The Point of the Bayonet 91
• Practising at Exeter Hall.—Hulla, Boys, Hulla 97
• Practising for the Ministry 102
• Practising for the Opera 104
• Discounting for a Man formerly 112
• Measuring by the "Yard"—True fit 122
• Charles I.—A Block-head 140
• "Assurance" 146
• Mutual Assurance 150
• The World is kept up by Puff 177

PREFACE.
TO THE READER, OR RATHER TO THOSE WHO HESITATE IN BUYING THIS WORK.

"Good wine needs no bush," and, therefore, little by way of preface is necessary to this Work. "He who is ignorant of arithmetic," says Archimedes, "is but half a man." Therefore, for the sake of manhood, which drapers'-boys and lawyers'-clerks attempt by means of mustachoes and penny-cigars, read this Work,—for if the dead abstractions of this science will make a man, what must the living realities do?—Nothing less than a Phœnix D'Orsay, which is at least 1 man ¾ and ⅝.

Read this book, then, my friends, young and old. It teaches practical philosophy in every chapter; wisdom in every page; and common sense in every line. Get this manual at the fingers' ends of your mind, and your physical and mental powers will be so expanded that you will be able to catch a comet by the tail; take the moon by the horns; knock down the great wall of China, à la Cribb; or measure the spectre of the Brocken for a pair of breeches, and thus cut a pretty Figure.

FIGURES FOR THE MILLION.
Of Arithmetic and its Importance.

INTRODUCTION.

Arithmetic is the art or science of computing by numbers. It is national, political, military, and commercial. It is of the highest importance to the community; because it pre-eminently teaches us to take care of Number I. Our ministers succeed according to their knowledge of the science of numbers. Witness the skilful management of majorities of the lower house.

He who understands the true art of Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, and Division, as here laid down, will not be considered a mere cipher in the world; but will, in all probability, make a considerable figure: and in the figurative words of Horace, be "Dives agris dives positis in fœnore nummis."

Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection of that god of honest men, the light-heeled and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to add to our store by subtracting from the stores of others, that we may add to our importance. Let us so multiply our resources, by encouraging division among our contemporaries, that we may see their reduction in the perfection of our own practice.

EXPLANATION OF ARITHMETICAL SIGNS AND CHARACTERS.

= Equality. The sign of equality: as, "A living beggar is better than a dead king;" or both being dead, are equal to each other.

— Minus, less. The sign of subtraction; as, for instance, an elopement to Gretna; or, a knocking-down argument by the way-side, — minus ticker. Take from — from take.

+ Plus, or more. The sign of addition; as, 3 livings + to 1 = 4; or, 5 millions of new taxes + to 48 = 53.

× Multiplied by. The sign of multiplication: as, "The sun breeds maggots in a dead dog."—See Shakspeare. Or, "Money makes money."—See Franklin. Or, Anti-Malthus.—See Ireland.

÷ Divided by. The sign of division. Example 1. The Whigs.—2. The Church. A house divided against itself. Division of property; the lion's share, &c.

SIGNS OF PROPORTION.

Is to: so is:: As Lord B—— is to Bishop P——, so is a blue musquito to a planter's nose.

As Sir R—— I—— is to J—— H——, so is a pair of donkey's-ears to a barber's-block.

As Tommy Duncombe is to Lord Stanley, so is shrimp-sauce to a boiled turbot.

RULE I.
NUMERATION.

Numeration teaches the different value of figures by their different places (see Walkinghame, Court Guide, Law List, &c.); also the value of ciphers, or noughts, according to their relative situations (see Intellectual Calculator, or Martin's Arithmetical Frames). As regards the value of figures in places, we have illustrations in sinecures of all grades, from the Lords of the Treasury to the meanest underling of the Stamp-Office.

Place and pension make the unit a multitude, according to the position of the noughts,—that is, that large portion of the public called the nobodies. The more a man is surrounded by his inferiors, the greater he becomes. Hence the necessity of restrictive tariffs to prevent wealth in a community,—and of impediments to education. It is not, therefore, naughty for our betters to keep us down by any kind of mystification; as the sun always looks larger through a fog.

The value of figures and of ciphers will be well understood in the following table, which ought to be committed faithfully to memory. It will be seen that when the noughts, the nobodies, that is, the people, go before the legislative units, their value is consequently decreased; but when they follow as good backers in good measures, the value of the characters is increased ad infinitum.

TABLE I.—"LEGISLATION BEHIND THE PEOPLE."

TABLE II.—LEGISLATION IN ADVANCE OF THE PEOPLE.

RULE II.
ADDITION.

Our life is an addition sum; sometimes long, sometimes short; and Death, with "jaws capacious," sums up the whole of our humanity by making the "tottle" of the whole.

Man is an adding animal; his instinct is, to get. He is an illustration of the verb, to get, in all its inflexions and conjugations; and thus we get and beget, till we ourselves are added to our fathers.

There are many ways of performing addition, as in the following: a young grab-all comes upon the fumblers at long-taw, as Columbus did upon the Indians; or, as every thrifty nation does upon the weak or unsuspicious, and cries "Smuggins!"

Addition is also performed in a less daring manner by the save-all process, till Death, with his extinguisher, shuts the miser up in his own smoke.

Addition may also be performed by subtraction by other methods. It is one to make "Jim along Josey!" the watchword, as Joey does in the pantomime.

Addition teaches, also, to add units together, and to find their sum total, as A + B = 2. A bachelor is a unit; a Benedict, unitee.

Matrimonial Addition.—By common ciphering 1 and 1 make 2. But, by the mathematics of matrimony, 1 and 1 will produce from 1 to 20, arranged in row, one above another, like a flight of stairs. They make a pretty addition to a man's effects, as well as to his income; and, if not themselves capital, are a capital stimulus to exertion. Surrounded by these special pleaders, a man becomes as sharp-set as a Lancashire ferret, and looks as fierce as a rat-catcher's dog at a sink-hole. Such men ought to be labelled, "Beware of this unfortunate dog!" for he would bite at a file!

Adding to your name.—This is another mode of performing addition. It is not necessary to go to an university for this, any more than it is necessary to go to a church to get married. The thing can now be done without it. Schoolmasters, and pettifoggers of all kinds, will find this an excellent piece of practical wisdom.

"ADDITION FOR COMMON NAMES."

• The Reverend Dr. O'Crikey, D.D.—Duke of Dunces, or Dull Donkey.
• The Reverend Samuel Snuffers, A.M.—A Muff.
• John Petty Fog, Esq. LL.D.—Deuced Lying Lawyer.
• The Right Hon. Lord Dolittle, F.S.A.—Fumbler in Science and Art.
• The Most Noble the Marquis of Sligo, F.R.S.—Fellow of the Rigmarol Society.
• The Lord Knowswho, F.A.S.—Fool a star-gazing.
• Jeremy Stonybatter, F.G.S.—Fluking of the Gammoning Society.
• Billy Buttercup, Esq. F.L.S.—First of the Lubberhead Society.
• Captain Marlinspike, F.N.S.—Fellow of no Society.

ADDING TO A STORY.

To go back a little to first principles, which should never be lost sight of in the teaching of any art or science, we must set forth the grand leading rule before our pupils. Addition teaches, therefore,

• 1. To get all we can.
• 2. To keep all we get.

SONG.
"Argent comptant."

PARENTAL ADVICE.—RULE I.

RULE II.—TAKE CARE OF NO. I.

RULE III.
SUBTRACTION.

Subtraction teaches to "take from" or to find the difference of two numbers; having taken too much in, and slept out; to find the difference in sovereigns and shillings between that and sleeping at home according to the "conventional laws of virtuous propriety." (Vide Miss Martineau.)

The figures are to be arranged in subtraction one under the other; that line expressing the highest number, being placed above the line expressing the smaller number. In this arrangement, the upper line is called the subtrahend, and the lower the subtractor; the difference is called the remainder. Our readers, the million, are the subtrahend. The following are subtractors:—

• Corn and sugar monopolists.
• Tax-collector.
• Easter dues, beadle and clerk.
• Poor-rate.
• Christmas-box and Christmas-piece.
• Subscriptions for Chiggered Niggers.
• Parson Smith and his orphans.
• Poor relations.

The Rule of Subtraction is perhaps the most useful in either national, political, or commercial Arithmetic; "Take from" being the universal maxim of mankind from the day that Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit. In sacred history we find various exemplifications of the principle: Jacob made use of it when he obtained his brother's birthright and his blessing; David, when he took the wife of Uriah. Profane or classical history abounds with examples. It was the royal and sacerdotal rule, in all climes, countries, and times. Kings have grown thrifty by it, and conquerors invincible. "Take from" is, in short, the motto of the legislators; and rhetoric the soldier's watchword, the prince's condescension, the courtezan's smile, the lawyer's brief, the priest's prayer, and the tradesman's craft. The use of this rule, is to enable us to "do one another," not "as we would be done," without the contravention of the majesty of the law.

We have had some amusing ways of performing this rule in "by-gone ages." Among the most celebrated, were Indulgences and Benevolences. They worked well for those who worked ill, and led to a multiplication of heresies.

Subtraction is perhaps one of the most fashionable of all the rules; and any one who sets himself down for a gentleman must expect to be beset by a swarm of hungry locusts, who make a rule to bleed him at every pore till he becomes poor. When Edward the First took the wealth of the Jews and their teeth at the same time, he showed a fatherly consideration for those who having nothing to eat wanted neither incisores, cuspidati, bicuspidæ, or molarii. But we are to be nipped, and squeezed, and tapped, and leeched, and drained to all eternity, and are still expected to—give.

To take in.—This rule not only teaches us to take from, but also to take in, which is to take from, with true tact and skill. England is the Land of Goshen in this particular, and Smithfield the focus of the art, whence the first rule for selling a horse is—

SUBTRACTION OF CHARACTER, OR DE-TRACTION.

The rules already given for performing this branch of arithmetic apply to money matters; but the perfection of the art consists, not in simply taking from another what you want yourself, but that which does not enrich you, but makes him poor indeed. This has been styled, by way of eminence, the devil's subtraction, being the general essence of the black art. It is called Detraction.

Detraction may be performed in a variety of ways, as for example:—"Oh, I know him—his great grandfather was—but no matter, and his mother—no better than she should be, but I hate to speak evil of the dead. I have enough to do to mind my own business—and yet one cannot help knowing—but yet nobody knows what he is or how he gets his money. He makes a show certainly, but I like things to be paid for before they are sported. His wife, too—what was she, do you suppose? As I have heard, a cook in a tradesman's family.—Well, a cook is not so bad after all—I am sure it is better than a doctor. But I believe he was forced to marry her.—Poor woman, she suffered, I dare say—Well, it is well it is no worse—It was the only amends he could make her—It would have been a cruel thing for the poor innocent children to be born illegitimate.—But he is still very gay—These sort of men will be—but there will be an exposé some day. Things can't go on for ever—Well, I wish them no harm, poor creatures—But do you go to their party to-night?—I go only for the sake of seeing how madam cook conducts the entertainment."

Rule for Ladies With Regard To Their Rivals.—Should any lady be so unfortunate as to fear a rival in the affections of some simple-hearted swain in the personal attractions of some youthful beauty whom he has never seen, it must be her method not to vilify her character or underrate her accomplishments,—no, this is but sorry skill. The more delicate and refined way of subtracting from her merits will be to employ unbounded panegyric, so as to raise the expectations of the feared admirer, that the real shall fall infinitely short of the ideal. This is another mode of performing subtraction by addition.

Literary Subtraction.—This is of essential service to editors, reviewers, and others, who, having nothing good of their own with which to amuse the public, steal the brains of others.

Rule.—Take from a work published at a guinea all its cream and quintessence, under pretence of praising it into immortality through the pages of your fourpenny review. "Castrant alios, ut libros suos per se graciles alieno adipe suffarciant."

Mercantile Subtraction.—It is well understood in this country, that no honest man can get a living, in consequence of the extraordinary competition among us. It is therefore considered legal and justifiable for the baker to "take toll" and make "dead men;" for the licensed victualler to make "two butts out of one;" for the wine-merchant to "doctor" his port; for the butcher to "hang on Jemmy;" for the printer to make "corrections;" for the tailor to "cabbage;" for the grocer to "sand his sugar and birch-broom his tea." The milkman "waters his milk" by act of parliament; and to show that all this is in the order of Providence, the rains of heaven wet the coals.

National or Political Subtraction.—There is one part of the New Testament which all Christian rulers have religiously observed, namely, "Now, Cæsar issued a decree that all the world should be taxed." The art of taxation is, therefore, not only a religious obligation, but is the science of sciences and the most important part of National Arithmetic.

Taxation is necessary just as blood-letting is necessary in plethora. Over-feeding produces a determination of the blood to the head, and then radical rabidity breaks out into rebellion. Over-feeding requires bleeding. There is a tendency in every industrious nation to get on too fast. Taxation is the fly-wheel which softens and regulates the motion of the national machinery, the safety valve which prevents explosion, while that accumulation of taxation called the dead weight is a "clogger" to keep things down.

Whenever there is a "rising," it is a sure sign that taxation is too light; consequently taxation should be so accommodated to the habits, tastes, and feelings of the people, as to fit them at all points, like well-made harness. If they grow too enlightened we can double the window-tax; if they be disposed to kick, put on the breeching in the shape of an income-tax; if they go too much by the head, we can raise the price of malt, and, by way of a martingale, put a duty on spirits; if they jib, we can touch them on the raw with "the house duty;" if they step out too fast, tighten the "bearing rein" by 10 per cent. on the assessment; and should any attempt be made to bolt, we can secure them with a curb, by a tax on absentees.

The perfection of taxation is to make it as much as possible like an insensible perspiration; or to cause it to subtract, like the vampire when lulling the victim to sleep, by fanning him with the wings of patriotism and the hum-hum of a liberal oration, on the principle of

RULE IV.
MULTIPLICATION.

Multiplication teaches a short way of adding one number together any number of times. Its sign is a cat o'-nine-tails; its symbol a whipping-post. Since the wonderful powers of the number nine have been publicly discussed, we have had no more shooting at her Majesty, (Heaven preserve her!) which shows the transcendant powers of arithmetical argument. The Egyptian plague of frogs and flies exemplifies this rule. In Modern Rome we have multiplication of fleas. In Modern Babylon we have multiplication of bugs, particularly humbugs. In the West Indies we have multiplication of musquitoes and piccaninies, and in the East, multiplication of oneself, as in the case of Abbas Mirza and his 1000 sons for a body guard.

Multiplication of Laws.—This is a favourite amusement with our modern legislators. It naturally leads to the multiplication of lawyers, whose proper calling is to set people together by the ears, for the multiplication of dissensions. The original type of this order was the plague of locusts.

Domestic Multiplication, or Multiplication of miseries. This rule is performed by taking unto oneself a wife for better or worse; then, multiplying as usual, and, at the end of fifteen or twenty years, having the young "olive branches" round about our tables.

Multiplication of Money.—This is the most universal case in the whole rule. The multipliers are the operatives, who are placed at the bottom, instead of the top of the arithmetical scale. They may be ranged, in general, as in the following:—

• A cotton spinner, 3½d. a-day.
• Spitalfields weaver, 4½d.
• Brummagem, 5½d.

These digits are to be worked from fourteen to sixteen hours a-day at the lowest possible fraction of pay. The product is to be set down in the 3½ per cents. or invested in the first unjust war in which this nation may be engaged; or the whole aggregate of sums may be multiplied by monopoly.