Georgiana.
There isn’t a blush in our family—if there were, you’d want it.
[Sheba and Salome appear outside the window, looking in.
Sir Tristram.
Jedd, you were once my friend, and you are to be my relative.
The Dean.
[Looking at Georgiana.] My sister! [To Sir Tristram.] I offer no opposition.
Sir Tristram.
But not even our approaching family tie prevents my designating you as one of the most atrocious conspirators known in the history of the Turf.
The Dean.
Conspirator!
Sir Tristram.
As the owner of one-half of Dandy Dick, I denounce you!
Georgiana.
As the owner of the other half, I denounce you!
The Dean.
You!
Sheba and Salome enter, and remain standing in the recess, listening.
Sir Tristram.
The chief ingredient of your infernal preparation is known.
The Dean.
It contains nothing that I would not cheerfully administer to my own children.
Georgiana.
[In horror.] Oh!
Sir Tristram.
I believe you. [Pointing to the paper.] Strychnine! Sixteen grains!
Salome and Sheba.
[Clinging to each other terrified.] Oh!
The Dean.
Strychnine! Summon my devoted servant Blore, in whose presence the innocuous mixture was compounded. [Georgiana rings the bell. The girls hide behind the window curtains.] This analysis is simply the pardonable result of over-enthusiasm on the part of our local chemist.
Georgiana.
You’re a disgrace to the pretty little police station where you slept last night!
[Blore enters and stands unnoticed.
The Dean.
I will prove that in the Deanery Stables the common laws of hospitality have never been transgressed. Give me the bowl! [Georgiana hands The Dean the basin from the table.] A simple remedy for a chill.
Georgiana and Sir Tristram.
Strychnine—sixteen grains!
The Dean.
I, myself, am suffering from the exposure of last night. [Taking the remaining bolus and opening his mouth.] Observe me!
Blore.
[Rushing forward, snatching the basin from The Dean and sinking on to his knees.] No, no! Don’t, don’t! You wouldn’t ’ang the holdest servant in the Deanery.
The Dean.
Blore!
Blore.
I did it! I ’ad a honest fancy for Bonny Betsy, and I wanted this gentleman’s ’orse out of the way. And while you was mixing the dose with the best ecclesiastical intentions, I hintroduced a foreign element.
The Dean.
[Pulling Blore up by his coat collar.] Viper!
Blore.
Oh sir, it was hall for the sake of the Dean.
Sir Tristram.
The Dean?
Blore.
The dear Dean had only Fifty Pounds to spare for sporting purposes, and I thought a gentleman of ’is ’igh standing ought to have a certainty.
Sir Tristram.
Jedd!
Georgiana.
Augustin!
The Dean.
I can conceal it no longer—I—I instructed this unworthy creature to back Dandy Dick on behalf of the Restoration Fund.
Sir Tristram.
[Shaking Blore.] And didn’t you do it?
Blore.
No.
The Dean.
Why not? In the name of that tottering Spire, why not?
Blore.
Oh, sir, thinking as you’d given some of the mixture to Dandy I put your cheerful little offering on to Bonny Betsy.
[Salome and Sheba disappear.
The Dean.
Oh! [To Blore.] I could have pardoned everything but this last act of disobedience. You are unworthy of the Deanery. Leave it for some ordinary household.
Blore.
If I leave the Deanery, I shall give my reasons, and then what’ll folks think of you and me in our old age?
The Dean.
You wouldn’t spread this tale in St. Marvells?
Blore.
Not if sober, sir—but suppose grief drove me to my cups?
The Dean.
I must save you from intemperance at any cost. Remain in my service—a sad, sober and, above all, a silent man!
[Salome and Sheba appear as Blore goes out through the window.
Salome.
Papa!
The Dean.
To your rooms! I am distracted!
Salome.
Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey!——
The Dean.
If you have sufficiently merged all sense of moral rectitude as to declare that I am not at home, do so.
Sheba.
No, no. Papa; we have accidentally discovered that you, our parent, have stooped to deception, if not to crime.
The Dean.
[Staggering back.] Oh!
Sheba.
We are still young—the sooner, therefore, we are removed from any unfortunate influence the better.
Salome.
We have an opportunity of beginning life afresh.
Sheba.
These two gallant gentlemen have proposed for us.
The Dean.
Then I am at home. Where are they?
[He goes out rapidly, followed by Salome and Sheba. Directly they have disappeared, Noah Topping, looking dishevelled, rushes in at the window, with Hannah clinging to him.
Noah.
[Glaring round the room.] Is this ’ere the Deanery?
[Georgiana and Sir Tristram come to him.
Hannah.
Noahry, Noah, come back!
Noah.
Theer’s been a man rescued from my lawful custody while my face was unofficially held downwards in the mud. The villain has been traced back to the Deanery.
Sir Tristram.
Go away!
Hannah.
Come away!
Noah.
The man was a unknown lover of my nooly made wife!
Georgiana.
You mustn’t bring your domestic affairs here; this is a subject for your own fireside of an evening.
[The Dean appears outside the window with Salome, Sheba, Tarver and Darbey.
The Dean.
[Outside.] Come in, Major Tarver—come in, Mr. Darbey!
Noah.
That’s his voice!
The Dean enters, followed by Salome, Tarver, Sheba and Darbey.
Noah.
[Confronting The Dean.] My man.
Hannah.
No, no, Noahry!
Georgiana.
You’re speaking to Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvells.
Noah.
I’m speaking to the man I took last night—the culprit as ’as allynated the affections of my wife.
Sir Tristram.
Wait—one moment! [Going out at the window.
[Salome and Tarver go into the Library and sit at the writing-table. Darbey sits in an arm-chair with Sheba on the arm.
The Dean.
[Mildly.] Do not let us chide a man who is conscientious even in error. [Looking at Hannah.] I think I see Hannah Evans, once an excellent cook under this very roof.
Hannah.
I’m Mrs. Topping now, sir—bride o’ the constable. And oh, do forgive him—he’s a mass o’ ignorance.
Noah.
Coom away!
[Hannah returns to Noah, as Sir Tristram re-enters with Hatcham.
Sir Tristram.
[To Hatcham.] Hatcham—[pointing to The Dean]—Is that the man you and the Constable secured in the stable last night?
Hatcham.
That, sir! Bless your ’art, sir, that’s the Dean ’imself.
Sir Tristram.
That’ll do.
Hatcham.
[To Noah.] Why, our man was a short, thin individual!
[Hatcham goes out at the window.
The Dean.
[To Noah.] I trust you are perfectly satisfied.
Noah.
[Wiping his brow and looking puzzled.] I’m doon.
The Dean.
Don’t trouble further. I withdraw unreservedly any charge against this unknown person found on my premises last night. I attribute to him the most innocent intentions. Hannah, you and your worthy husband will stay and dine in my kitchen. Good afternoon.
Noah.
Is it a ’ot dinner?
The Dean.
Hot—with ale.
Noah.
[Turning angrily to Hannah.] Now then, you don’t know a real gentleman when you see one. Why don’t ’ee thank the Dean warmly?
Hannah.
[Kissing The Dean’s hands with a curtsey.] Thank you, sir.
The Dean.
[Benignly.] Go—go. I take a kindly interest in you both.
[They back out, bowing and curtseying.
Georgiana.
Well, Gus, you’re out of all your troubles. Are you happy?
The Dean.
Happy! My family influence gone forever—my dignity crushed out of all recognition—the genial summer of the Deanery frosted by the winter of Deceit.
Georgiana.
Ah, Gus, when once you lay the whip about the withers of the horse called Deception he takes the bit between his teeth, and only the devil can stop him—and he’d rather not. Shall I tell you who has been riding the horse hardest?
The Dean.
Who?
Georgiana.
The Dean.
The Dean.
Georgiana! I’m surprised at you.
[Sheba sits at the piano and plays a bright air softly—Darbey standing behind her—Salome and Tarver stand in the archway.
Georgiana.
[Slapping The Dean on the back.] Look here, Augustin, George Tidd will lend you that thousand for the poor, innocent old Spire.
The Dean.
[Taking her hand.] Oh, Georgiana!
Georgiana.
On one condition—that you’ll admit there’s no harm in our laughing at a Sporting Dean.
The Dean.
No, no—I cannot allow it!
Georgiana.
Tris! My brother Gus doesn’t want us to be merry at his expense.
[They both laugh.
The Dean.
[Trying to silence them.] No, no! I forbid it! Hush!
Sir Tristram.
Why, Jedd, there’s no harm in laughter, for those who laugh or those who are laughed at.
Georgiana.
Provided always—firstly, that it is Folly that is laughed at and not Virtue; secondly, that it is our friends who laugh at us, [to the audience] as we hope they all will, for our pains.
THE END
Transcriber’s Note
This transcription is based on the scan images posted by The Internet Archive at:
archive.org/details/dandydickplayint00pinerich
In addition, when there was a question about the printed text, another edition posted by The Internet Archive was consulted:
archive.org/details/dandydickplayint00pineiala
The following changes were made to the text:
- Throughout the text, dashes at the end of lines have been normalized.
- Throughout the text, “and” in the character titles preceding dialogue has been italicized consistently and names in stage directions have been consistently either capitalized (in the text version) or set in small caps (in the html version).
- In the Introductory Note, “St. Marvells” has an apostrophe, whereas in the text of the play it almost always does not. The inconsistency has been allowed to stand in the Introductory Note, but the apostrophe has been removed in the few instances in the text.
- Pg. 25: “The Dean gives Darbey a severe look...”—A bracket has been added to the beginning of this line.
- Pg. 91: “Sir Tristram, then enters quietly, smoking...”—The comma after “Sir Tristram” has been deleted.
- Pg. 97: “No, Aunt, No!”—The second “No” has been changed to lower case.
- Pg. 139: “Oh, what do you think of it. Mr. Darbey?”—The period after “it” has been changed to a comma.
- Pg. 141: “We can’t shout here, go and cheer...”—The comma has been changed to a semicolon.
- Pg. 142: “That’s Hatcham, I’ll raise his wages.”—The comma has been changed to a semicolon.
- Pg. 143: “’aint” has been changed to “ain’t”.
- Pg. 147: “...mutual esteem, last night...”—The comma has been changed to a semicolon.
- Pg. 154: “I did it?” has been changed to “I did it!”
The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the printed text. However, some concessions have been made, particularly in the handling of stage directions enclosed by brackets on at least one side. (Entrances were usually without brackets.) In general, the stage directions were typeset in the printed text as follows:
- Before and within dialogue.
- Flush right, on the same line as the end of dialogue if there was enough space; on the next line, if there was not.
- If the stage directions were two lines, they were indented from the left margin as hanging paragraphs. How much the stage directions were indented varied.
In the etext, all stage directions not before or within dialogue are placed on the next line, indented the same amount from the left margin, and coded as hanging paragraphs.