Diminutive dramas

Scene.—A large banqueting table in the centre of a bridge, which stretches for three miles between Puteoli and Baiæ. The Emperor Caligula is reclining in the place of honour. There are hundreds of guests.

Rufus (an intensely eager, bearded man to his neighbour Proteus, a dandy). As I was saying, the whole point of the question is this: all diseases come from the secretion in the blood of certain poisons. Now since we imbibe these poisons from certain foodstuffs, what I say is—Cut off the poison at the supply.

Proteus (helping himself to roast boar with stuffing). Yes, yes, perfectly.

Rufus. Cut off the poison at the supply. Prevent; don’t try to cure when it’s too late. You follow me?

Proteus (absently). Exactly. (He gives himself an additional helping of roast boar.)

Rufus. But there you are, helping yourself to poison again. (Rufus gives up Proteus and turns to his other neighbour.)

Hygerius (on Proteus’s right, an aged Senator). May I trouble you for the peacock?

Proteus. I beg your pardon. (He passes the peacock.)

Hygerius. I suppose these peacocks are imported.

Proteus (not interested). I suppose so.

Hygerius. Now what I say is, the land’s the question.

Proteus (foreseeing a discourse on political economy). The General is trying to catch your eye.

Hygerius. Where? Where? I don’t see him.

Proteus. Right at the other end of the table. (To his vis-à-vis, Demophilus, an officer.) Were you lucky yesterday?

Demophilus. No, I lost. They told me Chilon was a certainty.

Proteus. Ah! Chilon.

Demophilus. He didn’t do himself justice.

Proteus. Over-trained?

Hygerius (to his vis-à-vis, Petronius, a fashionable philosopher). Now you no doubt agree with me that nowadays the whole problem of agriculture——

Petronius (upsetting a large bowl of wine on the table on purpose). A thousand pardons! It was too awkward of me.

[Slaves come and mop up the mess.

Severus (a literary man, sitting on Hygerius’s left, to Petronius). “Spilt wine shall buy the favour of the Gods,” as Particus says.

Petronius. Have you seen Cossatius’s play?

Severus. Yes, it’s clever, but——

Hygerius. That kind of play ought not to be tolerated. It undermines the principles of morality.

Severus. Morals have nothing to do with art.

Hygerius. I repeat that these kinds of plays are the ruin of the Empire.

Petronius. I see you are on the side of the “Extensionists.”

Hygerius. I don’t know what you mean by an “Extensionist,” but if you mean a Roman and a patriot——

Petronius. No, I mean a Greek and a swindler.

Proteus. Excellent eels—try them.

Rufus. Let me beg you not to touch them; they are full of poison.

Demophilus (alarmed). Poison! Who’s poisoned them?

Petronius. Rufus means they give you gout.

Proteus. I once knew a man who ate twenty-seven eels for a bet.

Demophilus (really interested). Oh! Did he win?

Proteus. Yes; but he died afterwards. Hush! the speeches are beginning.

Petronius. Oh dear! Oh dear!

[The Prefect of Puteoli rises farther up the table.

The Prefect. Friends and citizens, and more especially, citizens of Puteoli and Baiæ: It is with feelings of peculiar emotion that I rise to propose that toast, which of all toasts is the nearest to the heart and leaps most readily to the lips of a Roman—I mean, of course, the toast of our beloved Emperor. I may say that in all the vast extent of this Empire, of which we are so justly proud, the Emperor has no more loyal subjects than those of Baiæ and—(cheers)—of Puteoli. (Cheers.) Although in the past we of Puteoli may not always have been able to see eye to eye with our neighbours of Baiæ, in matters of local administration, to-day, happily, all such rivalry has ended. And to whom is this due? To whom but the Emperor, who, with his knowledge of the Roman heart, has had the happy, the graceful, nay, more, the truly Imperial and the truly Roman idea of joining the two cities by this elegant and monumental bridge. (Loud cheers.) We of Puteoli are not quick to forget the benefit we have received in the past from the Imperial Family. And some of us who are here present remember that auspicious and never-to-be-forgotten day when the Emperor’s illustrious father, the ever-memorable Germanicus—(loud and prolonged cheers)—I say many of us here present will recall that thrice-memorable occasion when the illustrious Germanicus—(loud cheers)—paid us a visit. Romans, I have no wish to rake up things which are better forgotten; I have no desire to abuse the ashes of him who, whatever his faults and his failings may have been, is now for ever beyond the reach of our recrimination. We Romans have a proverb which says: “Of the dead nothing but good”—(cheers)—and you, citizens of Puteoli and Baiæ, have ever strictly observed, both by precept and by practice, the wisdom that has been handed down to us in the popular phrases of the Roman people. (Cheers.) Therefore, it is with no fear of being misunderstood, and in no carping or unjust spirit, that I say that the example which our beloved Emperor Caligula is daily setting us, both in peace and in war, and in all the arts and graces of life—this example is, I say, as it were, heightened when we—and we of Puteoli and Baiæ are especially sensible of the fact—when we think of the shortcomings and the mistakes of the late and unfortunate Tiberius—(hisses and groans)—shortcomings and mistakes to which our present Emperor put so swift an end, and out of whose ashes he bade our Empire and our Government, our internal affairs and our foreign policy, rise rejuvenated and splendid like the Phœnix. (Cheers.) Citizens, I will detain you no longer. All I will say is this: so long as we have at the head of us one who is the pattern of what a Roman gentleman should be, one who is at the same time the elder brother and the father of his people, so long as this shall be, so long will the Roman Empire, throughout all its length and breadth, act together in that same spirit of fraternal love and unity, bound by ties as strong as that with which our Emperor has to-day united and linked the people of Baiæ to the people of Puteoli. Citizens, I propose the health of the divine Emperor. (Loud cheers. The toast is drunk with enthusiasm.)

Hygerius. A first-rate speech.

The Prefect Of Baiæ (rises). Citizens, it is with the keenest sense of my unfitness to so exalted a task that I rise to propose the toast which is second on our list, that toast which of all others, with the exception of that which we have just drunk, is most grateful to Roman ears, namely, the Army. (Cheers.) Although not a soldier myself, my heart is with the Army; but I will go farther, I will say that all of us, whatever our avocations may be, whether we be lawyers, merchants, engineers, painters, poets, philosophers, are in a sense soldiers of the Emperor. (Cheers.) And Peace, citizens, has its battles as well as War. (Loud cheers.) To-day we are gathered together to celebrate one of those battles—a battle which has ended in a triumph. (Cheers.) [Demophilus (aside). What battle?] I allude to the completion of this handsome bridge—(cheers)—which is a notable—I may even say an unparalleled example—of the triumph of man’s will over the elements. As the immortal poet Camerinus—(cheers)—has said:

(Cheers.)

And while the utmost credit is due to the skill and patience with which the engineers, Demonax and Hegias, of Corinth, have executed their stupendous task, still greater praise is due to the Emperor, in whose fertile brain the great idea had its origin, and without whose unceasing aid and constant interest, it could never have been completed. (Cheers.) We of Baiæ know how keen was that interest, how valuable that aid, and we will never forget it. I have said, citizens, we are all of us in a sense soldiers, and it is a sight like this, an occasion such as to-day’s, that brings home to every Roman the self-sacrifice, the patience, the stubborn will, and the dogged persistence—qualities all of them essentially military—of the Roman race. I therefore propose the health of the Army, coupled with the name of its glorious Commander-in-Chief, the Emperor. (Loud cheers. The toast is drunk.)

Severus. He misquoted Camerinus.

[A Prætorian Officer rises.

The Prætorian Officer. Citizens, my trade is to speak and not to act—I mean to act and not to speak. (Loud cheers.) I am a humble particle of what has so rightly been called the great dumb one. (Cheers.) I thank you all very much for drinking the last toast, and I in my turn have great pleasure in proposing the toast which comes next on the list, namely, the toast of Literature. (Cheers.) I am not much of a literary man myself, but I greatly enjoy reading the description of battles in the works of that poet who, though not a Roman by birth, is practically a Roman—I mean Homer—(cheers)—and also in the great epic of our Roman Homer, I mean Camerinus. (Loud cheers.) I propose the toast of Literature, coupled with that of the divine Emperor, who, as we all know, is a first-rate author himself. (Cheers.)

[Erotianus, an elderly poet, rises to reply.

Erotianus. Citizens, great and immortal names have been mentioned to-day. Homer, Camerinus, have lent by the very mention of their names a diviner light to this already illustrious occasion. Nor has our gallant friend in his masterly oration failed to remind us of the talents, the brilliant and exceptional literary gifts, of our noble Master. (Cheers.) I am the last person who should address you on this theme. (Cries of No, No.) We had hoped that Seneca—(cheers)—whose verses are for ever on our lips, would be present. Unfortunately a bad cold has detained him in Rome. Æsculapius has conquered the Muses—(cries of Shame)—and instead of a brilliant literary light you have the flicker of a new artisan in the field of letters. (Cries of No, No.) I am, if I may say so, no more than a humble shepherd on the slopes of Parnassus. But, citizens, those slopes are so high and so wide that there is room on them for the greatest, such as Homer and Ovid—(cheers)—and for more humble but none the less painstaking, such as Virgil and myself. (Cheers.) I will now proceed to read to you a short epic in six cantos which I have prepared for this occasion. (Cheers. He clears his throat.) It is called “The Bridge.” (Cheers.)

[The Emperor makes a signal, upon which a regiment of Prætorians, concealed in a neighbouring tent, rush among the guests armed with swords and sharp tridents, and proceed to toss them into the sea. The meal breaks up in confusion. Some of the guests escape, but a large number are drowned, including Erotianus.

Curtain.