VI
THE FATAL RUBBER
Scene.—A Room in the Palace of the Louvre. Discovered, seated at a card-table: Charles VI., King of France, Isabeau de Bavière, the Queen, the Dauphin, and Catherine, his sister.
The King. I think we might have some clean cards.
The Queen. I won’t play with those thick English cards, it takes hours to shuffle them. Besides, I think it’s unpatriotic.
The King. Rubbish! Games are outside politics.
The Queen. I think it is unpatriotic just now, when the war’s going on, and I always shall think so.
The Dauphin (yawning). What game are we going to play to-night?
The King. Pont d’Avignon.
The Queen. Pont d’Avignon.
The Dauphin. Biribi.
Catherine. Nain Jaune.
The Queen. We shall, of course, play Pont d’Avignon. Your father wishes it.
The King. Cut for deal. (They cut.)
The Dauphin. You and I play together, Papa.
[They change seats so as to be opposite one another.
The King. Cut for deal. (They cut.)
The Dauphin. It’s Papa’s deal. (The King deals.)
The King. I leave it.
The Dauphin. I make no trumps.
Catherine. I double.
The Dauphin. I redouble.
The Queen. We’re content.
The King. You’ve no business to say “we’re content.”
The Queen. We play Hearts, of course, in doubled no trumps.
The King. Never; we always play the highest of the shortest. Besides which it’s Catherine who doubled.
The Queen. I play Hearts. The Queen of Hearts is called after me, so of course you must play Hearts, Catherine.
The King. You ought to have said that before. Besides in this case the rule doesn’t apply.
Catherine (playing the two of Hearts to the Dauphin). Put your cards down, Charles.
[The Dauphin puts his hand down. He has got no Hearts, the ace, King, ten, Knave, and five of Clubs; ace, Queen, ten, and six of Diamonds; Queen, Knave, ten, nine of Spades.
The King. That’s not a no-trumper. You might have made no trumps if it had been your make. As for redoubling, it’s too absurd.
[The Queen takes the trick with the Queen of Hearts; neither the King nor the Dauphin have got any.
The Queen. No Hearts. How odd! Then all the rest are ours. I’ve got nine Hearts now.
The King. I beg your pardon. It’s not at all so certain.
The Queen. Very well, we’ll play it.
Catherine. I can see your cards, Papa.
[They play; the Queen rakes in her tricks; in the last round but one the King throws away the ace of Diamonds instead of the ace of Clubs, thereby enabling Catherine to make the King of Diamonds.
The Queen (triumphantly). The Grand Slam!
The Dauphin. You wouldn’t have made it if Papa had played properly, and not thrown away his ace of Diamonds.
The King. I couldn’t have done anything else, and it wouldn’t have made the slightest difference.
The Dauphin. We should have saved the slam, that’s all.
The King. In the first place you ought never to have redoubled.
The Dauphin. I held excellent cards.
The King. You had nothing at all—absolutely nothing.
The Dauphin. Two aces; ace, King, Knave, ten of Clubs——
The King. I had the ten of Clubs.
Catherine. No, Papa, I had the ten.
The Dauphin. I’m quite positive I had the ten.
The Queen. As a matter of fact I had the ten of Clubs.
The King. I know I had the ten. It’s not the slightest use discussing the matter.
Catherine. Oh, Papa, how can you say that! Of course you hadn’t.
The King. I played this game before you were born and I suppose I know if a hand is a no-trumper or not.
The Dauphin. I had a much better hand than Catherine’s. She had no right to double.
Catherine. I had everything——
The Dauphin. Besides which it wasn’t fair.
Catherine. What wasn’t fair?
The Dauphin. To play Hearts.
The King. You’re quite right, Charles, it wasn’t fair.
The Dauphin. You would never have played Hearts, if Mamma hadn’t told you to.
The Queen. I never told the child anything. I only played according to the rules.
The King. In the first place the rule didn’t apply, and in the second place it’s not the rule. It’s a stupid convention invented by the Italians.
The Queen. I always have played Hearts in doubled no trumps, and I always shall.
The King. You might just as well give your partner a trick under the table.
Catherine. I should have played Hearts in any case.
The Dauphin. What a lie!
Catherine. It’s you who tell lies. You said you’d the ten of Clubs.
The Dauphin. We’ve always played from the shortest suit before.
The King. Besides which, you never said a word about it until you saw your cards.
The Queen. Of course not, because I always play Hearts. It’s so much the best game.
The King. If you did that with other people they’d consider it cheating.
The Dauphin. It was cheating.
Catherine. You needn’t talk about cheating, Charles. You cheated this morning at tennis—twice.
The Dauphin. I didn’t. You don’t understand the score. No woman does.
The King. Women have got no morals about cards whatsoever.
The Queen. As a matter of fact we should have won anyhow, if Catherine had played Hearts or not.
Catherine. Of course we should.
The Dauphin. Oh! Really!
The King. You couldn’t possibly have made the trick.
The Queen. We should have made at least four tricks; we couldn’t help it.
The King. And you talk the whole time—no wonder one loses.
The Dauphin. It’s quite impossible to play when they interrupt.
The King. And touch the cards.
The Dauphin. And tell each other what to play.
The King. And argue about every trick.
The Dauphin. And then never tell the truth.
The Queen. If I were you, Charles, I would learn the rudimentary elements of the game.
The King. And not double when you’ve got nothing.
Catherine. And not revoke.
The Dauphin. When did I revoke?
Catherine. Last night.
The Dauphin. I didn’t.
Catherine. I suppose it wasn’t a real revoke, just like I suppose you had the ten of Clubs just now.
The Dauphin. So I had.
Catherine. You wouldn’t dare play like that if we were playing for money.
The Dauphin. Very well. If you think I cheat I shan’t play at all.
[He goes out of the room and slams the door.
The King. We’ll play without him.
Catherine. I’d much rather play without him. Charles is quite impossible at cards—in fact at all games.
The Queen. Whose deal is it?
The King. We must begin a fresh rubber. When one plays three, a game counts for a rubber.
The Queen. Charles!
The Dauphin (opening the door). What is it?
The Queen. Come back at once. Don’t be so silly. Your father wants to play.
The Dauphin. It’s no good my playing if you all say I cheat.
Catherine. I never said you cheated.
The Queen. Come back directly. (The Dauphin comes back and sits down at the table sulkily.)
The King. Whose deal is it?
Catherine. Mine.
The Dauphin. Mine.
Catherine. Papa dealt last time.
The Dauphin. No; you dealt and I doubled.
Catherine. Papa dealt and left it.
The Dauphin. You dealt, because I remember you nearly made a misdeal.
Catherine. I never make misdeals.
The Dauphin. Always.
Catherine. Very well. You’d better play without me.
[She goes out and slams the door.
The King. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! They’ll drive me mad!
The Queen (going to the door). Catherine, come back this moment. Because Charles chooses to make a fool of himself that’s no reason why you should.
Catherine. I don’t want to play. It’s no fun playing with Charles.
The King. Oh! do let’s go on with the game. Do try and not quarrel so, children. (Catherine comes back and sits down.)
Catherine. I’ll come back this time, but if he says I cheat again, I shall never play again as long as I live.
The Queen. Hush! It’s Catherine’s deal.
Catherine. There you see!
The Queen. Hush!
[Catherine deals.
The Queen (looking at her cards). I shouldn’t at all mind if it was left to me this time.
The King. You’ve no business whatever to say a word.
The Queen. As if it made any difference!
The King. It makes an enormous difference.
The Queen. Not in this case.
The King. That’s nothing to do with it. It’s the principle that’s wrong.
Catherine. I leave it.
The King. There you see!
Catherine. Papa, I couldn’t do anything else.
The Queen. I make no trumps.
[The Dauphin leads a card; the Queen puts down her cards, revealing an excellent lead; Catherine hesitates a moment what to play from dummy’s hand, the Queen touches one of dummy’s cards to show.
The King. Isabeau, the dummy has no business to touch the cards. That is cheating if you like.
The Queen (rising up in great dignity). I’ve played cards for twenty-five years and have never yet been called a cheat in my own house.
[She walks to the door.
Catherine. Mamma, Mamma, do come back.
The Dauphin (walking after her). Oh! Do come back!
The King (getting up). Don’t be so absurd. You’re all of you one worse than the other!
The Queen. No, no, he called me a cheat.
The King. I never did anything of the sort.
The Queen. No wonder the children never speak the truth when they’ve got such a father!
The King. Now sit down and let’s go on.
[They sit down. The King plays. Catherine plays from her hand, and then the Dauphin. Catherine again hesitates about dummy’s card, and the Queen again touches a card showing her what to play.
The Dauphin. Papa, Mamma’s cheated again.
The Queen (getting up). I won’t have you say that.
Catherine (shouting). Oh! Charles!
The Dauphin (screaming). But she showed you——
[The King gets up and throws the cards to the other end of the room, kicks over the card-table, and rushes to the door screaming.
The Queen (terror-stricken). Heaven have mercy upon us, your father’s gone mad!
Curtain.