FACTS IN JINGLES
A GREAT SURPRISE
On the nineteenth day of August, in the year of nineteen two,
Most kind and gracious Madame Stork right over Norfolk flew,
And brought to my dear mother there a wonderful surprise,
A little red-brown baby girl with large blackberry eyes.
Now mother, she had asked the stork to bring her greatest joy
And drop a bundle at her door containing a wee boy;
But when the stork made a mistake and brought just little me,
She thought that I was better far than any boy could be,
And wrapped me in the blanket which she'd planned for my wee brother
She changed the name of Lionel to little Winifred,
And all the things for brother planned, she gave to me instead.
BRIDGET MAKES SPLIT PEA SOUP
"Bridget," asked the mistress, "whatever is the matter,
Nothing ready for our lunch excepting pancake batter?
Why, I invited guests to come for lunch at half-past one,
And they've been waiting all this time and yet there's nothing done."
"Well, mum," replied Miss Bridget, "the fault is all your own,
For split pea soup you ordered and, workin' here alone,
It's took me just two hours while tryin' just to split
Three hundred of these blarsted peas, which give me most a fit,
And as there's still three hundred, 'twill take two hours more
To split the pesky little things, shure as me name's MAHORE!"
THE CAREFUL MOTHER
Now come, dear John, and go to school,
I hope you know your every rule.
No, do not kiss me, Johnnie dear,
My mouth is full of germs I fear.
Love, as you walk along the street,
You must not pat each dog you meet.
Alas! you naughty, careless lad,
You've touched the cat, how sad, how sad!
For I must sterilize again
Your hands and face and books and pen.
Now, take each antiseptic glove
And quickly into each one shove
Your fingers which are prone to be
From dreaded germs—ah, never free.
Here's "SURE-GERM-KILLER" in a case.
Put some at once on hands and face,
For, oh, I fear those dreadful GERMS
May some day make you food for worms!
GROWING THINGS
My dearest friend, John M—, and I, at least our mothers say,
Are growing just as weeds will grow in April and in May.
John's legs they grow so very fast his pants they leave his knees,
His jackets get so very tight they burst if he dare sneeze.
His head grows large and larger, I suppose because of brains,
So when he wears his last year's cap, it causes lots of pains.
And I am such a growing thing, my dresses they won't last
More than a month before the spot marked by my knees is passed.
And when I had the measles and had to stay in bed,
You scarcely can believe me, but I grew from foot to head.
And when I tried to wear my shoes, oh, my, but they did pinch!
But generally my shoes don't last until they are too small,
Because I kick the toes right out while playing at football.
GRANDPA'S HEAD TUMS FREW HIS HAIR
When Margaret was a youngster scarcely two years old,
At climbing chairs and tables this lass was very bold.
And one day when her grandpa was seated in his chair,
She climbed upon the rounded rungs as if they were a stair,
And looking at her grandpa's head, which fast was growing bald,
She cried out, "Dearest Grandpa, one time you must hab failed,
Or maybe you've been naughty and dot an awful scare,
Which taused the top ob yu's round head to tum right frew de hair."
SUSAN REWARDED FOR TWENTY YEARS' SERVICE
Professor Theophilus Socrates Snook
One day paid a visit to Susan, his cook,
And, beaming upon her with kindliest look,
Said, "Susan, my dear, please gaze at this book.
In here you may learn of elephantiasis,
And also the hookworm, uncinariasis;
Of craw-craw and chiggers, of ainhum and sprue,
And all that I've written about them is true.
Now, Susan, to me you've been faithful, my dear,
In keeping my house for many a year;
For years nearly twenty you've been now with me,
Cooking my victuals just as they should be,
And truly I think a reward I should pay
To one who has labored from day unto day.
So when I discovered a wondrous new germ,
Which causes young children to wiggle and squirm,
I thought that this bug for you I would name
And bring you great glory and honor and fame.
It's a wondrous discovery, this ungomariasis,
"No, thank you, your honor," said Susan Bawben,
"I had the bugs once and don't want 'em again.
And if you onsist upon callin' me BUGS,
I'll lave you alone wid your books and your drugs."
A WONDROUS GROWING BABY
FIRST LADY:
"Just now I heard a story, which sister says is true,
About a lovely baby which grew and grew and grew,
Because its mother fed it on full gallons of good milk,
So that it gained ten pounds a day and looked as fine as silk."
SECOND LADY:
"I don't believe the story, such diet it would kill
A poor wee darling baby—at least, 'twould make it ill."
FIRST LADY:
"'Tis true, most little babies would have burst and died—
But not so with this baby—'Ma Elephant's fond pride.'"
A JOKE ON ONKLO KARLO
Onklo Karlo, he's a duck, and I love him dearly,
'Cause he loves all little girls, amusing them so queerly
By catching in his mouth the nuts which he hurls in the air,
And making paper cones to stand just almost anywhere;
Or holding apples on a pole stuck right upon his nose,
And balancing the little girls just straight upon his toes.
He always has good candy—the kind I love to eat—
Made of delicious goodies that taste so nice and sweet.
He tells most wondrous stories of sky and land and sea,
And never seems to weary of pleasing little me;
And jokes, he knows so many his store will ne'er give out,
They make me laugh and giggle and sometimes even shout;
But here's a joke on Onklo—I wonder if he knows
That nails are hidden in his socks—of course, they're on his toes.
THE PEARL OF LAKES
Of all good Uncle Sam's great lakes,
LAKE ERIE is the best;
She is a pearl among all lakes
Of north, south, east or west
Her waters on a pleasant day
Dance gaily in the sun,
And ever seem to smile at me
And say, "Come, have some fun
Within my cool refreshing spray
Of waters bright and clear,
Oh, little girl, come right away,
And never have a fear!
There are no dread sea monsters here
Within my wide domain,
Where only best of 'Finny-kind'
Are e'er allowed to reign."
THE MUSEUM'S FAT LADY
TEACHER TO TOMMY:
"Now, Tommy, please answer, and tell me at once,
Who is your father, you silly young dunce?"
TOMMY TO TEACHER:
Said Tommy, with tears gushing forth from his eyes,
"I know you're a lady w'at's most wondrous wise,
But I hates like the mischief to tell on poor Pa,
'Cause he's always good to both me and Ma,
But he is the fat lady w'at you may see
By goin' to Barnum's and payin' a fee."
PATTI LOU AT THE ZOO
My little Cousin Patti Lou
One day went to the Highland Zoo,
And there she saw an old ZEBU
Who looked at her and said, "Moo—moo!"
And ended with an awful "Oooooooooh!"
She saw also a funny GNU,
And said to him, "Well, how are you?"
But he would nothing say or do,
Not even grant, nor bray, nor mew.
She saw a polly as it flew,
And showed gay feathers, pink and blue,
But when she came this bird to woo,
Poll bit her finger almost through.
Near to this wicked Polly Chew
There lived a handsome, large HIBOU,
Which came from some fine foreign zoo,
The camel and the kangaroo,
With polar bears and brown bears, too,
And many birds to me quite new,
All made their home in this great zoo.
With elephants and tigers, too,
And a huge lion named KING FOO,
He paced his cage and said, "Grr—roo!"
As if he meant, "I will eat you!"
Near him a dove all pink and blue
So sweetly sang of love, "Coo—coo,"
While across the way MONK SNOOPLE SNOO
Swung by his tail and sneezed "Ca—choo!"
FURS LINED WITH KITTENS
Said a rich little girl, who was boasting one day,
"I'ze too many furs, so I throws them away;"
But her poor little friend, who fine furs had none,
In braggadocia could not be outdone,
And proudly she showed her little fur mittens
And said, "I'ze sum odders, do deys lined wid kittens."
MUCH LEARNING SAVES IGNATIUS
"Father," said learned Ignatius, as the strap was preparing to fall
Down on his trousersless bare-skin, "I don't mind a whipping at all,
But are you quite certain, dear father, the strap has been well sterilized?
For virulent germs in old leather are often concealed and disguised;
And surely by violent impact with textile and soft porous skin,
But lately exposed to the street's dust there's danger of entering in
Upon my most delicate system, and then comes the big doctor's fee,
So, dear father, show you're a wise man and touch not the strap upon me."
While the learned youth plead, lo! his father upon that dread strap loosed his hold,
And thus he escaped from a whipping, Ignatius the wise and the bold.
TWILIGHT
Of all the hours of day or night
Give me the twilight hour,
When little birds hide out of sight
And every sylvan bower
Is filled with their sweet good night song,
While darkness creeps apace
O'er all the bright blue sky along
And hides the sun's gold face.
That is the hour when Mother dear
Says, "Come, sweetheart," to me,
"And of the earth's great heroes hear
While sitting on my knee."
Upon her arm I rest my hand
And wondrous stories hear,
Until it's time to go to bed,
Tucked in by Mother dear.
A FIVE-FOOT SHELF OF SUMMER BOOKS
Whenever you're perspiring like a Gruyère cheese,
List to this list of cooling works which cannot fail to please:
Great Isaac Hayes's noted work upon the POLAR SEA,
How much with him this broiling day we all would like to be!
Or maybe in the SNOWBOUND realms we'd find still more delight
If Whittier, the poet great, would take us there to-night.
With Nansen in his tales of weird and far-off frozen lands,
Where no one needs be tortured by electric buzzing fans;
And Barrows' wondrous voyages in icy ARCTIC REGIONS,
Meeting monstrous icebergs each hour by the legions.
While each and all would love to get a nice big cooling box
And ICY LANDS by Perry, Kane, Atkinson and Hall,
Sound so mighty tempting to us one and all.
Exploring parties to the North led by the hero Schley,
Oh, such a summer voyage how we would like to try!
And follow after Wrangell with snow up to our knees
Across Siberia's lonely plains to far-off NORTHERN SEAS.
While reading of the ICE FLOATS from Kennan and from Hohn,
We feel that we should have a shelf all of our very own,
And on it all these chilly works we there should keep on hand,
To take us when we're hot and cross to some cool northern land.
THE CAT EXTINCTED THE CANARY
"Josephine," asked the teacher, "can you tell to me
Any bird that's now extinct, but used on earth to be?"
"Oh, yes, Miss Jane," said Josephine, "our sweet canary, Jim,
Because the naughty pussy cat, she quite extincted him."
A BONY SONG
Eight and twenty bones, 'tis said,
Are located in my head.
In my trunk are fifty-four
That I add to my bone store;
While my limbs have plenty more—
Full one hundred twenty-four.
In my skull, the strong round box
Which protects my brains from knocks,
There are eight bones in its wall—
Glad I have them when I fall!
Occipital there is but one;
One ethmoid and wedge sphenoid one,
One frontal bone not very long—
Compared with oak just twice as strong.
Parietals there are but two,
Two temporals will also do.
Fourteen bones are in my face,
One lower jaw and upper two
Help me each day when I must chew.
Two turbinated shaped like cones,
Two nasal, malar, palate bones,
Two lachrymals and vomer one,
But very large bones there are none.
The smallest bones are in my ear
And help me when I wish to hear.
These bones so small, are hard to see—
The mallet, anvil, stapes wee.
My bony trunk it takes good care
Of all the organs hidden there.
Its spinal column very long
Has six and twenty bones so strong.
Small bones just seven it doth take
A neck or cervical to make,
With dorsals twelve and lumbars five,
I surely need if I would thrive;
With sacrum one and lots of ribs,
Fourteen true and ten called "fibs,"
One coccyx, sternum, hyoid small,
Now in my limbs, just let me see,
I own a clavicle or key,
A scapula or shoulder blade,
And which for gold I wouldn't trade,
A humerus not meant for fun,
A radius and ulna one.
Eight carpals help to form my wrists.
Five metacarpals in my fist,
While all my fingers have each three
Phalanges that are strong but wee,
But my poor thumbs can only boast
Of two phalanges at the most.
My lower limbs are proud to own
A sturdy thigh or femur bone.
This useful bone is very long
And joined by a patella strong
To two stout bones within my leg,
One like a flute, one like a peg,
One as the fibula is known,
My instep has just seven tarsals,
Shaped à la the eight wrist carpals,
While the five bones in my feet
With fourteen more the toes complete.
Thus each perfect person owns
Just two hundred and six bones.
LET THE BUMBLE BE
One day I saw a bumble bee bumbling on a rose,
And as I stood admiring him, he stung me on the nose.
My nose in pain it swelled so large it looked like a potato,
So Daddy said, though Mother thought 'twas more like a tomato.
And now, dear children, this advice, I hope you'll take from me,
And when you see a bumble bee, just let that bumble be.
GRANDMA TURKEY'S LAMENT
"Oh! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Oh!
The Turkey-world is full of woe!"
So Grandma Turkey sadly gobbles
As in her coop she lamely wobbles.
"This woe is caused by people's germs
Which are much smaller than wee worms
Yet cause great trouble on this earth
And drive away all joy and mirth.
"When I was young the turkeys then
They lost their turklettes now and then
When wintry winds came howling round
And chilly snow fell on the ground
From one disease, DECAPIDITIS,
But now we have appendicitis
While it is pleasant summer weather
And we should scarcely lose a feather.
ANSWERS, NOT QUESTIONS, CAUSE TROUBLE
MOTHER:
"Don't bother your father with questions, Ervane,
He's tired of hearing you ask to explain
Why fishes can't walk or ride on the land?
How lizards and fleas can live in the sand?
What causes the sun to set in the west
And always to sleep in one golden nest?
When will the time come for children to fly
And play in the clouds with the birds in the sky?
Such foolish, vain questions, they trouble your dad
And sometimes I fear they make him quite sad."
"No, Mother," replied the inquisitive lad,
"It's the answers, not questions, that trouble poor Dad."
ROOSEVELT COMPLIMENTS MAMA LION
One day last year King Teddy arose with old King Sun
And, seeing a huge lion, he seized his trusty gun
And made the King of Jungle-land quickly homeward run,
While Teddy followed after and thought it lots of fun.
King Lion reached his tavern home, trembling in great fear,
But when Queen Lion heard his tale, she simply scratched one ear,
Then shrugged her shoulders à la hump and to her husband said,
"In all the best newspapers how often have I read
That Teddy loves all parents who large families possess,
And I am sure with many cubs our happy den is blessed."
Then grave and proud Queen Lion she carried out each babe,
And placed it in the doorway of her Afro-jungle cave;
And there she proudly waited for King Teddy to appear,
The coward King of Jungle-land, he hid himself inside,
And when he heard King Teddy's voice his bones shook in his hide;
But soon he knew his fears were vain when Teddy, laughing, said:
"As mother of fine sextets, you surely rank ahead
Of all the lions I have met in circus tent or den,
To meet you I'm DEE-LIGHTED, and I hope we'll meet again."
WEE WILLIE'S FIRST HAIR CUT
Last Friday, for the first time, wee Willie went with me
To the colored barber, who bowed most graciously,
And asked the little fellow how should he crop his curls,
Close to his head, in medium length, or bobbed like little girls'?
Wee Willie answered promptly. "My hair, please, barber, crop
Like my own dear Daddy's, wif a small round hole on top."
THE TIME OF HIS LIFE
There are many schools of learning and also schools of game,
But the school with largest members bears KING HIPPO'S name,
And big and little people, yes, even EVANS' FLEET,
Would think it quite unpleasant a Hippo school to meet.
But Bwana Tumbo Teddy, who knows no thought of fear,
Laughed in joyous pleasure as the SCHOOL drew near,
And smiling at the leader, he made her stiff with fright,
As from his parted mouthpiece his white teeth came in sight.
Then Bwana seized his rifle and, taking steady aim,
He fired at Queen Hippo and made her front legs lame,
Then shooting at her sisters, and brothers left and right,
All those he killed, this hunter brave, then quickly towed ashore,
Saying, "I'M DEE-LIGHTED, and I hope to meet some more
SCHOOLS OF HIPPOPOTAMI that feel inclined to strife,
As in this Hippo-battle I'd the time of my whole life."
THE WINKING STAR
There's a winking star in the sky above,
At least so I've been told;
A veritable little flirt of a star,
But he surely can't be bold,
As he's some million miles from here
In Pegasus, the steed,
And if we wish to see him wink
A telescope we need.
TOO MANY DOLLS
Miss Margaret Mary Elizabeth May,
Had one hundred dollies with which she could play.
There were bisque dolls and wax dolls and dolls with real hair,
Red dolls and black dolls and dolls that were fair,
Fat dolls and plump dolls and dolls in the style,
Hipless and jointless and dressed in a smile;
Sag dolls and wood dolls and celluloid boys,
China and paper and Jumping Jack Joys;
Irish and Scotch dolls and dolls from Paree,
And all of the strange lands from over the sea;
Jappies and Chinese and dark Esquimos,
Dutchies and Germans and cutest Dagoes;
Dollies from Egypt and dollies from Spain,
Hindoos and Hebrews and one little Dane.
From Poland and Russia they'd traveled afar
By railroad and steamer and also by car
To join other dollies from Johnnie Bull's home,
From Greenland and Iceland, Norway and Greece,
The string of these dollies seemed never to cease.
But Margaret Mary Elizabeth May
Could never decide with which doll to play,
So she was not happy as poor little Sue,
Who in her doll family had only two
Wretched rag dollies without any hair,
But which she considered a most lovely pair.
And these ugly dollies they gave her delight,
As with them she played from morning till night.
LAST OF MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb;
She also had a little ham,
A pie, a cake, an ice-cream cone,
Which caused the maiden loud to groan.
And now poor Mary and her lamb
And pie and cake and cone and ham
Are resting in the cold, dark tomb—
For Mary met dyspeptic's doom.
WOES CAUSED BY WHOOPING BUGS
If you don't believe that whooping-cough causes lots of woe,
Just catch a few whooping germs and then I guess you'll know
That whoopee-whoops! and wheepee-wheeps! are not one bit of fun,
When you see others playing games where all must jump and run;
For if you jump or if you run, you start the whoop-oop-oop!
And even if you're tired you can't sleep for the croup,
Caused by the awful whooping bugs, which lurk within your throat
And make your voice sound hoarser than the singing of a goat.
For fear of spreading whooping bugs you certainly can't go
But you must stay at home ALONE from three to six long weeks,
And listen to your croaking voice, which whoops and sometimes squeaks.
So therefore take the good advice of a little girl who knows,
And stay away from WHOOPING-COUGH, which causes lots of woes.
GOOD B'S AND BAD T'S
The most precious treasures in all this good earth,
The givers of JOY of only true worth
Are good books and babies, the two little B's
That are gifts of the FAIRIES for mortals to please.
The most dreaded tortures in all this wide earth
That to all greatest SORROWS are prone to give birth
Are bad tears and temper, the two ugly T's
Invented by GOBLINS for mortals to tease.
A BOY'S COMPLAINT
Grandma calls me Johnnie, father calls me John,
My sweetheart calls me Buddy, and the boys call me Don,
But Mother, oh, dear Mother, whenever I come near,
She calls me darling Baby and sometimes "BABY DEAR."
I like the name of Johnnie, I'm proud of my name John,
I don't mind hearing Buddy and the shorter name of Don,
But, though I love dear Mother far more than all the rest,
Her name of DARLING BABY I thoroughly detest.
You see when I am playing with boys in the street,
And pitching ball or doing some extraordinary feat,
It makes me feel so little to hear my mother call,
"Watch out, my darling BABY, be careful lest you fall!"
I'm not a darling baby, nor little baby dear,
I'm quite a great big boy and have no baby fear,
But I can't stand the guying the boys give to me,
When Mother starts to calling that hateful name—"BABEE."
KING TEDDY, THE FEARLESS
King Teddy has much courage to fight both beasts and men
With pistols and with broadswords and with the mighty pen.
And now in Afric jungles he's busy fighting fleas,
Mosquitoes, and big tigers and monstrous bumble bees;
Huge elephants, gorillas and awful Guinea-worms,
Sloughing phagedæna, and sleeping sickness germs,
Tinea imbricata, piedra, and goundou,
Malaria and the ainhum, pinta and the sprue,
Chyluria, mycetonia, leprosy and yaws,
Afric dysentery and maybe lions' claws,
Bubonic plague and dengue and dreadful tropic-boils,
Fevers black and yellow and sometimes serpents' coils,
Tinea Madagascar, Dhobie itch, screw worms,
Beri-beri and craw-craw and all the Afric germs;
With dread sun-traumatism, and abscess of the liver,
Yet none of these great terrors can make King Teddy shiver.
THE GROUCH-BUG
Of all the dreaded bugs and germs
That in this earth abound,
No bugs in greater number
Have ever yet been found,
Nor looked upon with terror more
By big folks and by small
Than GROUCH-BUGS, which are awful pests.
That come to one and all.
They make us, oh, so cranky
That we would like to yell,
And hunt up all the meanest things
About our friends to tell.
When other folks are smiling
The GROUCH-BUG'S victim cries,
While other folks are dancing
The GROUCH-SICK heave big sighs.
A great and noted doctor says
The GROUCH-BUG is but found
Within the torrid climate
And that the bug will never live
In woman, boy or child,
But always seeks a man's stout frame
And makes him cross and wild.
But though I'm young, I truly think
That this is not quite true,
For well I know some little girls,
And boys and ladies, too,
Who have the awful GROUCHES
And get quite fiercely mad
So that they act like demons
Who never can be glad.
My daddy says the only cure
Which he would always use
For folks who get the GROUCHES
And other folks abuse,
Would be to give a ducking
With water freezing cold
So that they'd be so chilly
But for the kiddies of my age
Who let this bad bug in,
He recommends the touching
Of peach limb to bare skin.