IT TAKES A CIGAR A LONG TIME TO WEAR OUT
When Harry Warren was a boy only five years old,
He wasn't then as he is now, so very big and bold,
But he was very much afraid of bad tobacco smoke,
Which seems to those who know him now to be a funny joke.
He had an uncle on whose knee he loved to sit each day
And listen to exciting tales about the Pixies gay,
But when his uncle had a light upon a long cigar,
Then little Harry used to sit away from it as far
As he could manage well to get upon his uncle's knee,
Since Harry feared tobacco smoke more than a bumble bee.
One day while sitting way far out upon his uncle's knee,
He grew so very tired as he waited there to see
The end of the long smoker which made smoke all about
And said, "It takes that big cigar a long time to wear out."
A PICKERINO—THE COOK'S FATE
Should COOK permit Sir Lemon squeezer,
Would virtuous Pepper box her, potato masher?
Would bakers baker in a heater,
And tell the saucy strong egg beater?
Would they then wax yet even bolder
While Mr. Tongs so well would holder
And then unto the pancake turner
Who would allow the cruel gas burner?
THE FIRST METAL PLOW
The metal plow so I've been told
First was made in days of old
By Grecian farmers and we know
That great Ulysses used to go
Behind the plow and play insane
By tilling sand to plant his grain
So that he need not leave his wife
And march away to dreadful strife.
LEGENDS OF THE CORONATION STONE
In Bible stories we have read
Of Jacob whose uncovered head,
Rested once on BETHEL-STONE
While round his head a vision shone.
The stone was then to Egypt carried,
From there to Spain by one who married
Great Pharaoh's daughter who was good—
For Hebrews' rights she always stood.
To Ireland with this same stone
The King Hiberus sailed alone
And placed it on fair Tara Hill,
No doubt the stone would be there still
If Fergus had not come along
With many warriors bold and strong
And bore it to his native land
Within the Castle Dunstaffrage
And here it stood for many an age
Until as a most sacred stone
'Twas placed within the Church of Scone.
And the good kings of Scotland fair
For years and years were all crowned there
Till Edward Langshanks seized this stone
Of which 'twas said 'twould always groan
If any worthless king or queen
Upon its seat were ever seen.
He brought it to dear England's shore
And willed that it should move no more
And in Westminster it was placed
Within a wooden chair encased.
PLEASE, GRANDPA, CROAK
"Grandaddy," said young Harry, "do a good turn for me,
By croaking like a big bull frog so I can plainly see
If Daddy told the honest truth or only cracked a joke
Because he said I'd have some 'dough' if you would only croak."
TO SAVE HIM FROM A WHIPPING
When Mrs. Hall, who had spent the day
With Mrs. Green, was going away,
Wee curly headed, naughty Joe
Begged so hard that she wouldn't go.
Now all the day this roguish lad
Had disobeyed and been quite bad,
So Mrs. Hall, in great surprise,
Paused and looked in his brown eyes,
While saying, "I'm so glad to know
You love me truly, dearest Joe."
"Oh, 'tisn't that," said honest Joe,
"I wouldn't mind for you to go
Except my mother said to-day,
She'd whip me when you went away."
THE FIRST FORKS
In the days of good Queen Bess
How sad it is we must confess
That the English ate their food
In a fashion very rude.
Great William Shakespeare like the rest
And Walter Raleigh richly dressed
Both ate their meat just with a knife—
The same they used to settle strife.
'Twas the Italians who first made
The useful fork which surely paid
Its wise inventors who could eat
Of sauces and most juicy meat
And never have to wash their hands
As straight knife eating oft demands.
THE KING'S QUESTIONS
Once on a time, long, long ago, in a far-off foreign land,
A certain king who loved to roam with his chosen courtly band,
Was riding abroad one early morn through streets of a city fair
When a curious sign above a door caused him to pause and stare.
This sign board plainly read to all that here was Wisdom's college
With a Professor at its head of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE.
"Ha! Ha!" loud laughed the wily king while rapping on the door,
"'Tis true above all other men I need a goodly store
Of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE so that I may wisely rule
And never say a foolish thing nor act the silly fool."
With trembling hands and downcast eyes, while bowing to the floor
The king gazed at the coward and this is what he said,
"You answer my three questions or you will lose your head.
Now first since you know everything please tell me what I'm worth,
And second tell the number of baskets of good earth
That one may find by digging within that mountain there
Reaching with its snow capped crown away up in the air.
And when you've rightly answered these questions given you
Then you must tell me of my thoughts to prove your wisdom true.
Three days is all I'll give you to answer me or go
To realms where wisdom surely dwells and something you must know."
And then the King departed and left the wise man sad,
But given him the swelled head so foolishly he thought
Through painted signs of wisdom his knowledge would be sought.
And as this foolish wise man bemoaned his coming doom,
His good but unlearned servant walked into the room,
And told his master not to mourn as he would take his place
And answer the King's questions while gazing in his face.
So when three days had passed away the Royal Master came
And Jim the servant greeted him as if he were the same
As he himself or any man who lived upon the earth,
And to the world's good Mother Earth was debtor for his birth.
Then spake this servant to the King—"I'm glad my Sire to see
And now with pleasure I'll proceed to answer questions three.
You're worth how much—not surely more than one wee bit of gold
And as to baskets of good earth in yonder mountain high
Think not your foolish question has made me sleepless lie.
It doesn't even take a man who could be called quite wise
To tell you that this all depends upon the basket's size.
For if the basket's mountain size of course but one will do
But if it's only half as large then we must needs have two."
Delighted with these answers the King shook Jim's rough hand,
While smiling as he looked at him and gave his last command,
"Now tell me what I'm thinking of, you wizard of the earth,
And if you answer truly, yours is this pearl of worth."
"Oh, that is very simple," Jim quickly answered him,
"You think me the professor, but I'm his servant Jim."
This answer was so pleasing unto the mighty King,
He made him his favored courtier, wearing his signet ring.
ENGLAND'S KINGS IN RHYME
There were many kings of England in ancient Saxon days,
But little to remember except their rude wild ways.
There was Egbert and King Ethelwolf and also Ethelbald,
Ethelbert and Ethelred and Alfred Great so called.
There was Edward and King Athelstan followed by three kings
Edmund and King Edgar and one whose praise we sing—
The good and kindly Edward who won a martyr's crown;
Then came a second Ethelred, who never won renown;
And as this king was always known just by the name "Unready,"
So his successor well was called—"Strong Edmund ever steady."
And last of all the Saxon kings decreeing England's fate
Came the Confessor Edward whom we all consider great.
And who the throne of England to Norman monarchs gave,
But the royal line he founded had rulers only four,
Two Williams and one Henry, one Stephen and no more.
Plantagenets just fourteen then came to rule this land,
They formed the longest kingly line and made a goodly band.
Though they were not all very good and some were very bad,
While some were truly gay old sports and others very sad.
The founder was King Henry the second Henry king,
For cruelty to Becket, no praise to him we sing.
Then Richard the Plantagenet, who had a lion heart
And whose brave deeds are greatly praised in history and art.
Then came the trembling coward, the hated ruler John,
And after followed Henry Third a silly royal goose,
Within whose head I sadly fear there were some sutures loose.
Then came the first King Edward who with his warrior band,
Laid bare the minstrels' country and their dear mountain land.
A second Edward, then a third directly followed after,
Then came poor Richard Second who had small cause for laughter;
Then Henry Fourth who conquered all the lands of goodly Wales
As we have often heard in rhyme and in historic tales,
And Henry Fifth feared by the French, it was within his reign
Fair Joan d'Arc's brave blood was shed the English swords to stain.
King Henry Sixth spent his last days in mourning in the Tower
While Edward Fourth by might of will possessed the kingly power.
The little lad, poor Edward Fifth, was never duly crowned,
'Tis said that he was murdered by one who then did rule
His uncle the third Richard, hump-backed and very cruel.
This wicked monster lost his life at Bosworth's bloody field,
Then came the Tudor family their scepters strong to wield.
Through Henry Seventh and his son King Henry Eighth, the bold,
Then Edward Sixth, the wise young king who ne'er grew to be old,
And monstrous blood-soaked Mary at whose dread bloody name,
All noble English subjects should feel a blush of shame;
Elizabeth, her sister, the red-haired maiden queen,
Who sometimes was quite gracious but had a lot of spleen.
With this great queen the Tudor line came to a glorious end
First came the learned James the First, and Charles the First, his son,
Who through the warrior Cromwell forever was undone.
This warrior styled "Protector" knew how to rule all men,
If not with his good broadsword, why, then with stroke of pen.
And after him the second Charles returned to England fair,
And claimed that to her glorious crown he was the lawful heir.
Then after him the bigot James, the second of his name,
Who was deposed from England's throne and earned a crown of shame;
Then good King William called the Third, and Mary, his good wife,
They ruled o'er happy England and banished horrid strife,
But leaving no good children to whom the throne could fall
As James's second daughter succeeded to the crown
And did her best to rule the land but never won renown.
To seventeen fair children she in her life gave birth
But as death claimed them every one she had no cause for mirth.
The Stuart line was ended with Anne, unhappy queen,
Then came four kings called Georges, with wits not very keen,
Hanover's line they founded, which line rules England now,
And to this line all Englishmen on loyal knee would bow.
And after all the Georges had had their rule and died,
Then William Fourth, the brother of George the Third, he tried
To rule o'er England's country with kind and steady hand,
But when his brother's daughter succeeded to this land
She made a better ruler than any queen or king
She ruled o'er England's empire for years full sixty-four,
And her great crown with queenly grace and kindliness she wore.
Her son, King Edward Seventh, the ever tactful king,
Ruled for a few short seasons until by Death's cruel sting
His happy reign was ended and George the Fifth, his heir,
Was made the kingly ruler of England's lands so fair.
BRUNETTES ALL THE RAGE
Great Byron sang of ladies fair
With bright blue eyes and golden hair;
But Major Woodruff says—;"Beware—;
Of those whose skin is very fair,
As naughty maidens have blue eyes
And seldom are they good and wise."
He urges men like Moses great
To choose a brunette for a mate,
Whose eyes and hair have the dark hue
Which proves that she'll be wise and true.
CATS A KISSIN' (CATECHISM)
Last week my cousin Patti, who isn't yet quite three,
Went to our good Sunday School with Mother and with me.
She sat quite still and listened well to all the teacher said,
Until I thought she stowed away much knowledge in her head.
But when that evening Auntie asked, "What did my darling hear
When she went to Sunday School; tell me, won't you, dear?"
She shrugged her little shoulders and said, "Not anyfing
Except dey said some funny words and den began to sing;
Though 'bout de cats a kissin', well, the teacher said you should
Teach me ev'ry evenin' and den I'd be so dood."
INFORMATION BY PHONE
Little brilliant Nellie, whose Ma thought she was ill,
Took her to the doctor, who gave her a big bill,
For sounding with a stethoscope young Nellie's narrow chest
And making her scream "Ninety-nine" with her utmost zest.
Next day a friend asked Nellie, "What did the doctor think
Is the matter with you? Are you on Death's brink?"
"Not much," said little Nellie, "no bugs could doctor find;
In fact he said that all my ills were just in mother's mind."
"But how did he discover this, he couldn't see through you,
"Of course the doctor told the truth," most scornfully said Nell,
"I heard him phone to my insides, and they said I was well."
OUR PRESIDENTS
George Washington, Adams and Jefferson three
First rulers of Uncle Sam's land of the free:
Then Madison, Monroe and Adams again
All clever and upright and good honest men;
Then Jackson, Van Buren and Harrison first,
Tyler and Polk whose terms were so curst
By war with the Greasers who lost in the fray—
Then Taylor and Fillmore and Pierce held their sway.
Buchanan and Lincoln, Johnson and Grant,
Then Hayes, martyred Garfield, despiser of cant,
Arthur and Cleveland, Harrison (Ben)
McKinley the martyr, beloved by all men;
Then most energetic and strenuous Teddy
And plump William Taft for a second term ready
When Wilson was placed in this nation's great chair
And promised to always rule wisely and fair.
SIX IN THE CEMETERY
Oh, the kiddie-de-kees in the Wiggs' house,
They're thick as bees, but ne'er like a mouse,
For they've never been known to keep the least quiet,
And wherever they go there's always a riot.
One day, Mrs. Wiggs and her husband Pat
Made a trip to the city to rent a flat
And left their six kiddies at home to play
On the graveyard green across the way.
The two elder Wiggs they found a man,
With flats he would rent on most any plan,
But concerning one thing he said he must know
If kiddies they owned—the rent man's foe.
"Yes, six little ones," said Pa Wiggs the wary,
"But they are all in the cemetery."
Said the landlord, "Better there than here,"
And he drew up a lease without any fear.
And that's how the Wiggs got their lease
In a so-called kidless flat of PEACE.
COULD ONLY ASK QUESTIONS
"Madeline," asked her mother, when home she came at noon,
"How did you like your teacher, or can't you tell so soon?"
MADELINE:
"Oh, yes, I formed my 'pinion long 'fore I started home,
She's rather pleasant, looks quite wise, and wears a lovely comb,
But surely she is stupid in spite of her wise looks,
'Cause she only asked us questions from out of a lot of books."
SEEKING BARGAINS
When Mother told Tommy five cents she would pay
If he would be good and "damn" never say,
The wary young Yankee, he made this reply—
"To be sure, I won't, Mother, not once if I die;
But I know another, a word worser still,
If damn's worth a nickel, it's worth a whole bill."
CULTUS MITLITE
(Chinook Indian for Rest)
One of the greatest of pleasures to me
Whenever I happen to be near the sea,
Is clam digging to go upon the broad beach
And get all the clams that my shovel can reach.
Along Puget Sound I was clamming one day,
When a poor Indian squaw and child came my way.
The mother was digging up clams with her toes,
And was dressed very poorly in very few clothes.
But her face seemed so kind as she smiled at her child,
A wee Indian warrior, who seemed very wild.
He turned over stones and he ran to and fro
And drove out poor crabbies as their fiercest foe.
But at last he grew weary and to the squaw came,
While limping so slowly as if he were lame,
And crying, "Ho, mama, ho nika, ho til!"
That squaws are so cross I have read in a book,
But not so this mother, who gently did look
Upon her wee torment, while patting his head,
And "Cultus Mitlite," so sweetly she said.
This meant that the warrior might take a long rest,
The pleasure of pleasures that red men like best.
HER TURN COMING
A wee little girlie aged scarcely six
One day watched her mother playing with Trix,
A cunning French poodle that oft got a kiss
Belonging by rights to this dear little miss.
She was jealous of Trix curled up on the lap
Of her lovely mother where SHE wished to nap.
So she sat very still while she gave a big sigh
And questioned her mother "How soon do dogs die?"
The mother replied as she petted Trix's ears,
"They rarely live longer than nine or ten years."
"Oh, goodie!" cried Girlie. "In six years next May
There won't be a Trixie and I'll have my way."
WHEN WILL WE BE OLD ENOUGH?
"Little children should be seen
And not heard," folks say.
We must scarcely speak aloud
When company comes to stay
For breakfast or for dinner
Or for a cup of tea,
So solemn and so quiet
We little folks must be.
We must not tell that Daddy
Once used an awful word
The very, very worstest
That ever could be heard.
Nor how our mother curls her hair
And powders well her nose
And sometimes takes an hour or more
To put on her best clothes.
We dare not tell how sister
Was spanked for being rude
And how our baby brother
In fact we must not speak at all
Except words no and yes
And when we swallow all our thoughts
They cause us great distress.
So we are wondering how much more
We kiddies yet must grow
Ere we can speak out what we think
And tell all things we know.
JOHNNIE'S CONUNDRUM
Once Johnnie to his brother said—
"Here's a conundrum for you, Fred,
They say all nuts on trees must grow
What tree bears doughnuts, do you know?"
"Oh, yes," Fred promptly made reply,
"I'll answer dat de firstest try,
Dey grows on Bridget's nice pantry.
Tum right wid me and you tan see."
TITANIC'S NOBLE BAND
O'er great Atlantic's waters,
Old Father Neptune's pride,
On a starry night in April,
Oh, see Titanic ride!
This spacious Queen of steamers
Holds high her masted head
For she believes all waters
Are conquered by her tread.
"Alas, vain Queen, you're speeding
Unto a watery tomb!"
So telegraphed the breezes
To save her from her doom.
But she no heed gave to them
And faster forged ahead
When suddenly before her—
Old Neptune's giant iceberg
Shone white beneath the sky
His icy breath gave warning
"Don't touch me or you die."
But heedless to this warning
The ship steered on her way
And struck the icy monster
For which her life did pay.
With his great strength this giant
Then rent her sides in twain
And left her floundering helpless
Upon the boundless main.
Her passengers in terror
Rushed to the upper deck
And there her Captain told them
"Titanic is a wreck.
"And all the little children
And women in great haste
Must go aboard the life boat,
But when these little children
Held to their fathers' hand
And wives clung to their husbands
They heard this dread command—
"The boats are but for women,
All men on deck must stay
And wait till help comes to us—
There is no other way."
But those who loved their husbands
And were most loyal wives
Refused to leave the men they loved
To save their own poor lives.
Then rough hands tore asunder
The arms of love entwined,
And threw the wives into the boats
And left the men behind.
But while the cries of parting
With grief all hearts did tear,
The band of the Titanic
Of jolly ragtime music
And glad notes of good cheer,
As if to tell the people
There was no cause to fear.
Since aid would soon come flying
And all would rescued be,
So why should hearts be saddened
When bandmen played with glee.
Down, down Titanic's going,
But still the band plays on,
The brave men know they're sinking
That they will soon be gone.
But how can they die better
Than giving helping cheer
To those who from Death's waters
Are trembling in great fear.
So as the water covers
The deck just at their feet,
They play with solemn fervor
And, "Nearer, oh, my God, to Thee,
And nearer yet to Thee,"
Gave courage to the drowning men
Who struggled in the sea.
For Colonel Astor, Major Butt
And learned William Stead,
And many other noble men
We mourn Titanic's dead.
And with them we all honor
The band who cheered their way
To meet the ever-dreaded King
To whom all lives must pay.
Concerning this jingle Elbert Hubbard said: "Dear Little Friend: This is your masterpiece of word painting descriptive of courage, anguish and man's helplessness."
HOW TO BE HAPPY
One night as I slept there came to me
A dear little sprite from o'er the sea,
And sweetly smiling, whispered to me:
"Shall I tell you how to happy be?"
Of course I asked for the recipe
Which worked its magic soon on me,
And as I'm happy as one can be
I'd like to tell the news to thee.
It's not advice we might call new,
But it gives us joy that's pure and true;
It's simply the "MUSE OF SMILES" to woo,
And whate'er we have each day to do—
Tasks that are pleasant and sad ones too—
With a smiling face our work go through,
Forgetful of self and "HOPEBEAMS" strew
For those who see not the brightest view.
REVENGE ON AN ACHING TOOTH
One time I had an awful pain
Which made me groan and cry;
It felt like daggers in my head
Which stabbed at my right eye.
It was the toothache, mother said,
And as she petted me,
She quite agreed with Bobby Burns
That nothing worse could be.
Not even chiggers, ainhum, yaws,
Or leprosy and sprue,
With craw-craw and the Dhobie itch,
Piedra and goundou.
Beriberi and pinta, too,
With cholera and boils,
And dengue and bubonic plague
With fevers scarlet, yellow, black
And measles and the mumps,
Green apple-colic, whooping cough,
And chicken-pox's bumps.
In Mother's sympathy for me
No comfort could I find,
And so I sought the dentist's aid,
Where forceps cruel but kind
Removed the sore and aching tooth,
And freed me from the pang,
Which by the noted Bobby Burns
Was called "A venomed stang."
And when the dentist gave to me
The very little thing
Which for so long had tortured me
With joy I longed to sing.
And I resolved to sugar it
And watch it every day,
While it was having dreadful pangs
And I could laugh and play.