REASON
Doctor! Doctor! I want you to come in.
Doctor! Don’t you hear me? Don’t go by!
That’s right, come in here now and shut the door.
Sit down there in that chair
And listen.
Don’t sit there with that silly smile all over you.
I’m going to make you listen.
You know when I first came they wanted me to talk.
I could see them trying, with little tricks and questions.
Well, now I will,—
I’ll tell you if you’ll let me out.
Will you, Doctor? Will you?
Those bars there at the window make me sick,
And the screaming all around.
You have to holler too, to keep from hearing!
The nurse said I’d be in the padded room
If I kept on—
Say, Doctor, will you let me out
After I’ve told you everything there is?
Will you? Will you? Will you?
Oh very well,
You can open the door then now.
I don’t want you any more; I’ll never tell—
Say, Doctor, don’t go yet awhile;
Turn round, don’t go, I want to talk to you.
There, please sit down again, I’ll promise not to holler.
I’ll tell you all about it and then you’ll see—
You’ll let me go, I know you will.
I tell you I’ve got to go and find ’em,
Find ’em all—Father and Grandfather,
All that made me go back home,
That made me do it—
But you don’t know,
I’ll have to find some place to start at.
The first night that he tried to get at me, and he like that,
I cried,
Soon as he saw me crying he went off
And got a quilt
And made a bed out in the sitting-room.
He got up early so I didn’t see him.
I thought all day,
And I kissed him when he came at supper time.
That night he seemed just like he was at first,
I mean when we were married first,
I thought he wouldn’t do it ever again—
Say, Doctor, don’t you tell,
But somebody came when I was out
And fixed his food up so’s he’d want the stuff,
I know who it was, but I won’t tell,
Not till I’m out of here.
She did it out of spite, I know, I know—
Doctor, who is that hollerin’? Make her stop—
I guess you’d think it “mattered” some
If you heard it all the time—
Well, finally I couldn’t keep him in the sitting-room,
I had to let him in, he hammered so,
And then—Oh, Doctor, stop her please!
I don’t see what she’s hollerin’ for,
Nobody got in her bed reeling drunk—
I couldn’t help him coming—I couldn’t, an’ I tried!
Next day I went around and did the dishes up,
And cooked the dinner ready, and all the time I thought
“Supposing it’s happened—what’ll the child be then?
What’ll I have to bring into the world?
Supposing it’s happened—”
Perhaps it was nearly supper time,
I don’t know clearly,
But I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t!
I left a letter for him and went home.
I walked around the corner of the house and there they were
Sitting at supper, Father and Grandfather
And Ma and little Ben.
I stood and looked at them.
It seemed such a little while since I was sitting there
Not thinkin’ anything,
Finally I went in and said
“I’ve come home,—I’ve come away from Jim, I mean.
Don’t everybody look at me like that—
I tell you I’ve come home.”
Then Ma got up and took me in her room
And fixed the bed for me—
She said we’d talk it over in the morning.
I stayed pretty near two months at home,
And all the while Father and Grandfather
And even little Ben
Were at me to go back,
Father kept saying all he wanted was my happiness.
And then they got the clergyman
And he talked just the same.
And then Jim came.
They all were nice to him and Jim was dreadfully sorry.
He hadn’t had a drop, he said, and if I’d come
He’d never touch a single thing again—
Oh, Doctor, make her stop!
Go make her stop, I say, what’s she got to holler for?
Don’t forget you promised if I’d tell
You’d let me out—
Do you want to hear the rest?
I’m telling you straight enough, more’n I told the family—
I never told them anything,
I mean what I thought might happen,
And nobody ever had the sense to guess
What I was afraid of,
Nobody but Ma,
And after the first she didn’t do anything but cry
And say Father knew best.
The second time Jim came, I said I’d go,
I was so tired of everybody talkin’ at me—
Oh I don’t want to tell you any more—
I’m crazy with her hollerin’.
You know the rest—I squeezed his eyes out—
’Cause he was lookin’ at me
When I let him in—after his hammerin’—
Then they brought me here—
Doctor, I’ve told you everything.
Doctor, let me out!
Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!