Funny stories told by the soldiers

THE MILITARY HAIR CUT

A grizzled chap in a captain’s uniform came into a barber shop. He saluted smartly and seated himself in the chair.

“Hair cut,” he said in gruff tones.

“How would you like it cut, sir?” the barber asked.

The captain, who was baldish, answered, gruffer than ever:

“Line up the hairs and number off to the right. Odd numbers each want a half inch off. Dress smartly with bay rum and brilliantine. Then dismiss.”

BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY

An American officer recently expressed his surprise that English people had so quickly appreciated the fascinations of baseball, and particularly how very enthusiastic women were on the game.

“Why, at the Navy and Army match the other week,” he said, “I counted quite twenty ‘fans’ among the women sitting around me.”

“Yes,” said a charming old lady, “and I wished I had taken mine, for the heat was terribly trying.”

UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT

An American soldier was being shown over an old English church where hundreds of people were buried.

“A great many people sleep between these walls,” said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor.

“So?” said the doughboy. “Same way over in our country. Why don’t you get a more interesting preacher?”

SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY

It was a hot day, and two sailors had just been released from a long spell of duty on a mine sweeper. They made a bee-line for the first public-house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. The men emptied their mugs in one draught whilst the barmaid looked on in undisguised admiration.

The man who had paid stood for a second or two wetting his lips meditatively, and then turned to his comrade with a grin.

“’Tain’t so bad, Bill, is it?” he remarked. “Shall we ’ave some?”

NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS

A New York editor said on his return from an official visit to the front:

“The soldier can still have a good time on his furlough, but the war prices make a good time costly.

“A handsome young American officer was sending a wire one day in a London postoffice where I was mailing a package. The girl telegraph clerk, running over the officer’s message said:

“‘I can’t make out whether this reads ”No funds“ or ”No fun.“’

“‘Oh, well, what’s the difference?’ said the officer, gloomily lighting a cigarette.”

THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED

One of our transports sailing from an Atlantic port, heading for France with a load of negro troops, had engine trouble two days out. It was decided that the ship put back to port, and it returned, but to a different pier of that same port.

The dusky warriors were immediately unloaded and made ready to embark on another ship. While standing in line, one of the braves stepped out and walking up to an officer asked:

“Ah beg yo’ pardin, sah, but can you tell me whar the city of Paris lies fum hyere?”

“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”

This story was brought back from the trenches by a Knights of Columbus secretary:

A colored soldier, hearing the report of a 14-inch naval gun exclaimed:

“There! Mistah Kaiser! You all count your men now and see how many is missing.”

By Carleton B. Case

160 Pages    Artistic Paper Covers    Price 40 cents.

(Now first printed in book form.) The jolly tales the soldiers tell are here collected in one neat volume, that all who love good stories and all who are interested in the lively doings of our boys in khaki may read and be entertained. Not only the Yankee lads, but also our Canadian, British and French brothers in arms have stories to tell you in this book; and while they are all “stories” they also are all true to fact, which increases your interest in them many fold. This is the first book of its kind ever issued, and should be in every American home. (Just out.)

For Recitation and Reading

By Carleton B. Case

160 Pages   Artistic Paper Covers    Price 40 cents.

Just issued. The only book of its kind; containing the best of the new verse written during the present war that is suitable for declamation and public reading, in school, college, church, patriotic and Red Cross meetings, and all similar occasions; together with the very choicest of the old favorites. Humor, pathos, lively action, narrative, the grand and the sublime, all have representation in its pages; the whole constituting a bookful of the newest and choicest works of the best American, Canadian and British poets, writers and orators, such as was never before gathered in one volume.

Gathered from European Sources

160 Pages    Paper Covers     Price 30 Cents

BY CARLETON B. CASE

(Just off the press.) The funny things which the combatants say and do in the present great conflict in Europe and Asia, the recruits’ blunders, the stay-at-homes’ excuses, the bulls of the Irish fighters, the jokes on the officers and on the lads in the trenches,—these and many other amusing anecdotes of the war are to be found in this book in great detail. It is the only collection of its kind, and is gathered direct from the press of the European nations engaged in the war, especially for this work. Contains nothing to offend any nationality, but everything to amuse and entertain the reader.

160 Pages.   Paper Covers.   Price 30 cents.

BY CARLETON B. CASE.
—————

(Spring of 1917.) The very newest, largest and choicest collection of merry quips about our friend the Ford car, all good-natured and laughable, with nothing to offend even Mr. Henry Ford himself. The author went to Detroit and obtained some of the new jokes in this book right at the Ford factory. You can’t help laughing, whether you own a Ford car or not, at the funny things in “Ford Smiles.” When you get this book of humor we ask you to read the short Preface to it; it explains, in the author’s opinion, why every good Ford joke is a compliment to that great invention—the Ford Motor Car. Probably you hadn’t thought of it that way.

Edited by Carleton B. Case

The very latest works of their kind. Uniform in style. Procurable where you bought this book, or will be sent postpaid by the publishers on receipt of price.