ACT II
Scene: The interior of a moving box-car. A low monotonous clanking of iron on iron is heard as the long train pulls heavily up a grade west of Williston. In the distance an ungreased wheel screams, faintly heard. The sliding door is half open and reveals a slowly moving blackness outside. A small keg in corner at extreme left, an empty box near it.
At Rise: Blind Sims, an old man with white hair and beard, sits motionless on a heap of burlap bags in a corner at the right. A brakeman’s lantern burns beside him. Ukie, a cocky and dapper, though considerably bedraggled youth, stands at the door looking out. Is playing and singing “The Big Potato Mountains.”
SIMS. Where are we, Ukie?
UKIE. I don’t know. Pulling out of some little burg.
SIMS. We’re going slow.
UKIE. Crawling up a grade.
[A pause.]
SIMS. You better shut that door.
UKIE. Naw, there’s nobody round. Black as the lid of hell.
SIMS. Coming up a storm.
UKIE. Yeah.... Makes me feel good, you know?
SIMS. You’re lucky.
UKIE. You know, every time there’s a storm coming on I’m so damn happy I want to sing like a damn little dickey bird. Something about the air, when it’s just going to rain. It sure gets me going.
SIMS. You’re lucky. Makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.
[Pause.]
UKIE. Why don’t you?
SIMS. Where’d you be, huh, without me to hold your damn tin cup? You could play your damn cigarbox till the old grey goose died under the woodshed and you wouldn’t get ten cents out of all the fancy women in Minneapolis and St. Paul.
UKIE. I don’t need to play on no corners, see? I don’t know what the hell I ever started doing it for.
SIMS. You was broke, that’s why. And you haven’t been broke since. What d’you figure on doing?
UKIE. I’m going back on the stage.
SIMS. You? Back on the stage. Get the hook.
UKIE. Yeah! Back on the stage.
SIMS. I’ll bet you was pretty good. I’ll bet strong men wept and women fainted when you showed up in the spot.
UKIE. You know, I wasn’t so bad.
SIMS. No?
UKIE. I was pretty good.
SIMS. Stick around, kid. We’re getting along fine, and I won’t live forever.
UKIE. How old are you, uncle—on the level?
SIMS. I don’t know. Hellish old. And blind, kid, that’s something.
UKIE. I don’t know whether you’re blind or not, but you certainly can’t count money.
SIMS. I tell you I split it even, Ukie.
UKIE. You split like curly maple, you do.
SIMS. You want to search me?
[Ukie looks at him and holds his nose.]
UKIE. No, thanks. [A pause. Then Hopper’s crutch lifts above the doorsill and comes hurtling in past Ukie. It is almost instantly followed by Hopper himself, who rolls over twice and then gets nimbly out of the way of Edna and Little Red, who enter similarly. A trap door opens in the roof and Bill drops through, followed by Rubin.] Any more? Yeah?
HOPPER. Where’d you get the lantern?
UKIE. Hey, you, don’t you know this is a private car?
SIMS. What’s the matter? Hey, Ukie, you there?
UKIE. Yeah, I’m here.
SIMS. Who is it?
UKIE. It’s raining hoboes, that’s what it is.
RED [dusting himself off]. Say, don’t you ever sweep this joint?
UKIE. If you don’t like the service you can always get off. Anyway, look at all the dirt you brung in with you.
BILL. Me? Don’t talk that way about me, Paderewski, or I’ll mop up the whole damn palace with you. You’d make a damn good feather duster, you would.
[Skelly flicks in through the door, followed by Mose. Skelly staggers a bit, puts his hand to his brow and lies down near centre.]
RED. What’s wrong, friend?
SKELLY. Ah, just sick.
[The Snake rolls in by the door just as Oklahoma drops from the trap. Mose sits near Skelly.]
SIMS. My God, ain’t it over yet?
UKIE. They’re coming down thick as angleworms.
SIMS. Ukie!
UKIE. Yeah?
SIMS. Come here.
[Ukie crosses to Sims.]
UKIE. What d’you want?
SIMS. Sit down.
UKIE. Ah, they’re all right.
OKLAHOMA. Shut that door.
[Hopper slides the door shut. Rubin shuts trap.]
MOSE [to Skelly]. You all in, boy?
SKELLY. Put your hand on here.
MOSE [his hand on Skelly’s forehead]. You is surely hot.
SKELLY. Yeah, I thought so.
[Edna sits near Sims. Red goes to her.]
RED. You hurt your shoulder?
EDNA. Did I? I lit like a ton of brick.
SIMS [quickly]. Was that a girl? Ukie! There’s a girl here.
UKIE. Don’t ask me.
SIMS [looking around vacantly]. No, it couldn’t be a girl.
EDNA. You looking for a girl, grandpap?
SIMS. Sounds like a pretty girl. Ukie, is she pretty?
UKIE. I got to hand it to her, uncle. She’s a queen.
[A pause.]
SIMS. Listen, would you mind—letting me touch your hand?
EDNA [edging away]. What for? I ain’t any sideshow, you know.
SIMS. Aw, never mind.
EDNA. Oh, all right. [Giving Sims her hand.] What do you think of it?
SIMS. Yeah, it’s a girl’s hand. I ain’t held a girl’s hand since—probably before you was born.
EDNA. Well, have they changed much?
SIMS. No—no. They’re just the same.
BALDY. Keep away from her, uncle.
SIMS. Yeah?
BALDY. Yeah; that’s a bad hand to hold.
SIMS. Yeah?
BALDY. That little mascot is just two jumps ahead of the bulls.
[Sims releases her. She moves away with some relief.]
OKLAHOMA [who has been exploring the far end of the car]. Say, what’s in the keg?
[Snake is sitting aloof and silent.]
UKIE. I don’t know. I couldn’t open it.
OKLAHOMA. Well, we’re going to find out.
[He extracts a short lever from an inner pocket and attacks the keg with it. Bill and Rubin gather around to watch. Skelly sits suddenly bolt upright and looks fixedly at blank space.]
MOSE. Now, white boy, you all right. You lie down and sleep.
SKELLY [resuming his normal expression]. Any water here?
MOSE. Ah’s afraid they ain’t any water.
SKELLY. It’s malaria, that’s what it is. [He lies down.] I had it before. Got it in the Argentine.
MOSE. Yeah?
SKELLY. Say, listen, if I get wild, you hold me down, will yuh?
MOSE. Suah. You’ll be fine.
SKELLY. All I’m going to need is one big black nigger sitting on the safety-valve.
MOSE. All right, boy; ah’s it.
BILL [to Oklahoma]. There. You got it. Pry under.
[Baldy and Hopper drift over toward the keg. There is a ripping sound as Oklahoma pries the cover loose.]
BALDY. Keg of nails, huh?
OKLAHOMA. God, it’s harder’n nails if I’m any judge.
RUBIN. Don’t drink it, old yegger; it’s probably two-thirds wood alcohol and the rest fusel oil.
OKLAHOMA. Well, what d’you expect in a God-fearing nation like this? Who’s got a cup?
BILL. Who’s got a cup? Hey, little song-and-dance, has your partner got a cup?
UKIE [tossing Sim’s cup to Bill]. Don’t lose it. We need it in the business.
[Several folding cups appear among the hoboes.]
OKLAHOMA. There’s plenty of cups.
BALDY. Drink easy if you don’t want to die.
OKLAHOMA [dipping into the keg]. If I don’t die, then it’s good, see? [He smells the liquor.] Got a bouquet like a Ford radiator. [He gulps it.] Boys, it’s a gold mine. Sweet as a baby’s breath. [He drinks again. The others dip in.]
BALDY. Here’s happy days!
BILL. Here’s to the unfortunate guy ’at owns it.
RUBIN. Here’s to the damn fool that didn’t know any more’n to leave it here.
HOPPER. Here’s to my wife and me a long ways from home.
BILL. Here’s to me old mother.
RUBIN. Hey, cut that out!
BILL. Cut what out?
RUBIN. Drinkin’ to your mother.
BILL. Why not?
RUBIN. It ain’t respectful.
BILL. Hell, have I got to be respectful to my own mother?
RUBIN. If you gotta drink to a girl, drink to Red’s sweetie.
BILL. All right, Red’s sweetie. Come on, everybody, here’s Red’s sweetie.
[They all drink.]
OKLAHOMA. You better get in on this, Mick.
RED. There’s gotta be somebody left to bury the dead.
HOPPER. Them that dies easy can bury themselves.
BALDY. Let the company do the buryin’. Fifty dollars for a black hearse. Twenty-five for a rubber-tired cab. Two dollars for a mourner.
[Snake and Ukie approach the keg.]
OKLAHOMA. Mick, come on in, and bring your lady friend.
RED. Drink it up. We ain’t thirsty.
OKLAHOMA. Come on, come on. No kiddin’.
BILL. Have one, Mick, have one! Have one, girlie!
RED. Say, if I want a drink I’m able to reach for it.
BILL. Well, by God!
BALDY. Say, you give me a pain.
RED. I can drink—but I ain’t drinking—understand?
BILL. He’s saving himself.
BALDY. Yeah, that’s it. Got a wild night ahead.
OKLAHOMA [carrying his cup to Red and Edna]. Will you drink, or not?
RED. No.
EDNA. No, thanks.
OKLAHOMA [thrusting his cup on Edna]. Don’t be so damn particular, dearie. You’re going to spoil your rep.
RED [rising]. Move the hell out! You hear? Haul your freight!
OKLAHOMA. Well, I’m a son-of-a—pardon me, pardon me, I’m sure. [He smiles nastily.] Let him alone, boys. Let him queer himself. He signed the pledge, see? He belongs to the Christian Endeavor. Only, listen, Mick, you’re too virtuous to be running with a pretty. She’ll corrupt you. Girls is a corrupting influence on young men. Now, you better turn her over to me, because she’ll be safe with me and she won’t do any harm to my morals. My morals is shot, see? [He bows.] Sweetheart, I claim the next dance.
EDNA. My card’s full, Oklahoma.
OKLAHOMA [turning]. Well, I ain’t. My God, is the whole world going virtuous, women included? Give me another drink.
SNAKE [to Bill]. Lend me the scoop, will you?
BILL. I will not.
SNAKE [snatching Rubin’s cup]. Say, you think this is your birthday? [He drinks.]
UKIE. Lend me a loan of my dipper.
[Bill gives his cup to Ukie.]
OKLAHOMA. Keep your front feet out of the poison, some of you, and give Ukie a chance.
SKELLY [sitting up and looking wildly at Mose]. Get away from me. Get away from me.
MOSE. Now—you ain’t gonna fight yo’ ol’ nurse, is you?
SKELLY [in horror]. I said it. Get away from me.
MOSE. Suah. Ah’s goan away. Only remember, you told me to sit on you. You getting pretty wild.
SKELLY [screaming]. Quit crawling that way! Quit crawling! [He tries to rise. Mose holds him.] Lay off me you hear? Lay off me! [He leaps to his feet, throwing Mose across the car.] I’ll fix you, black man! I’ll fix you.
[He draws a knife.]
EDNA. Red! Quick!
[Red runs to help Mose.]
OKLAHOMA [dashing toward Skelly.] Look out, Red!
[Skelly wrestles with Red and Oklahoma, who has caught his right arm. Mose shrinks away. Bill and Rubin rush to help subdue Skelly. The knife drops from his hand. He is forced down to his former place.]
SKELLY [as Red and Oklahoma sit on him]. You can’t kill ’em. You can’t even cook ’em. [His voice drops to a moan]. He’s a sloth—a giant sloth. When you boil ’em they turn to rubber. They drop out of the trees—see that? They drop out of the trees. Yeah—they live forever, they live forever. [He suddenly drops asleep. Red and Oklahoma get up, watching him.]
OKLAHOMA. The poor nut’s asleep.
[Mose picks up the knife.]
RED. Lend me the knife, will you?
MOSE. No, sir. That’s his knife.
RED. I’ll give it back.
MOSE. All right. Sure.
[He hands the knife to Red.]
OKLAHOMA. What do you want that for?
RED [sitting down]. That’s all right. I want to fix my shoe, see?
SKELLY [in his sleep]. —drink o’ water.
RED. He’s asking for water.
OKLAHOMA. I guess he’ll have to do without it.
RUBIN. All he needs is a good sleep. I used to get that way after I was in the Philippines. It ain’t nothin’ much.
[The group disposes itself about Skelly, watching him. Some of the men sit down.]
BALDY. You been in the Philippines?
RUBIN. Three years.
BALDY. That’s where I got this. [He points to the scar on his face.]
BILL. Fighting for your country?
BALDY. Naw! Fighting for a gal.
BILL. What!
BALDY. They got gals in the Philippines worth fighting for.
RUBIN. What side was the gal fightin’ on?
BALDY. Ah! you don’t know what girls are in this country. They’re all cornfed. This little girl I knew was part Bagobo, part Philippino, and the other half Chinese.
BILL. Jeez! That’s a lovely breed.
BALDY. Well, she was a darb and I was nuts about her. She used to love me too. Boy, how that gal could love! Say, you know where the Diga river is?
RUBIN. Yep.
BALDY. Well, this was at a town called Vera. The country all around is danged good-looking. The women can ride horses like the men and you ought to seen that little black-headed girl of mine ride. She was rich, too, and I was sitting on top of the world with the money she give me.
BILL. Can you imagine that, now!
BALDY. Yah! You think because the girls don’t fall for you, they don’t fall for anybody.
OKLAHOMA. Hey! Cut it out, Bill. What become of the frail?
BALDY. You see, her old man was a Christian when he was young, but he went back to the Chink religion when he got rich. He suspicioned me, liking his girl, so one time he give a big dinner on New Year’s Day. I got stewed on some green booze that ‘ud tear the hide off a mule, so they called in an old Chink doctor and he explained a lot of junk to me and felt my pulse on the bridge of my nose. Then someone busted me on the head and a lot of drunken Chinks and half-breeds started fightin’ with me. They got me in a corner and I had to fight like a Mick at Donnybrook. My little girl kept screaming and trying to get to me but a Chink pulled her back every time. Another Chink came running at me with a crooked knife and I picked up a chair and jabbed at him. He came tearing in anyway, and I uppercut him and stood him right on his wig and he twirled around like a top. Some other Chinks got at me after I’d dropped a couple more, and then one laid my cheek open with some kind of a long knife. I was darn near all in myself, but my girl got away and run to me, then somebody grabbed her away and her old dad kept yelling not to kill me because it would get him into trouble. The old Chink doctor stopped the blood and I went to sleep like a baby. My three years was up in the army when I come out of the hospital and they shipped me back to Frisco. I never saw the little girl again. They shipped her away somewhere.... That’s all. I want a drink. [He goes to the keg.]
RUBIN. Yeah, that’s the Philippines all right.
OKLAHOMA. Anything ever happen to you?
RUBIN. Yeah—mebbe—I can’t remember.
BILL. You born in this country, Oklahoma?
OKLAHOMA. Naw. Tipperary.
BILL. The hell you say!
OKLAHOMA. You never heard of it, huh? Well, it’s on the map. My dad was a beggar, the dirty old devil. Most of them are, over there.
HOPPER. Yeah, in Tipperary, they are.
OKLAHOMA. Yeah, and in Belfast, too! He was the meanest old devil that ever went without a tail. I’ve seen him pull his hair out of his head in bunches. He used to play blind, and he’d take us kids with him, and he had a sign he tied on across our chests that said: “Motherless.” We’d go along singing crazy songs about God and heaven. The old boy’d sing, too. That old devil had more stalls’n a livery stable. He could play paralyzed till the women’d cry over him.... My sister was a good kid. I remember when she went away with some fat old jane that was dressed up like a nigger wench on a circus day. After she left the old bum was drunk for a week. She was fourteen years old, and I was twelve. He sold her to that old cat. She cried and kissed me when she left, but the old man said how nice we’d both have it, and I could come and see her in her new home.
RUBIN. Where is she now?
OKLAHOMA. Croaked. I’d swing on five gallows to kill that old man. I’d hold him out and shake him to death like a rat—well, he’s likely dead by now.
HOPPER. You know, I got it in for a guy that’s prob’ly dead. I only wished he was alive so I could get my mits on him. I used to work for him on the farm when I was a kid and damn near froze to death because he was too stingy to buy me clothes. Him and his wife was praying Christians, too close to eat. They used to go to prayer meeting and leave Ivy and me alone together. We was only kids, but we both had the devil in us. While they was off singing Hosannas in the highest we crawled in bed together. She asked me not to tell, and I didn’t, and she didn’t either. She was a little beauty, too. Went to Sunday school every Sunday. Long black hair and little breasts as round as apples.... Hell, maybe I got even with the old man. I don’t know....
OKLAHOMA. Hey, Red, where’d you come from? Spill it.
RED. I don’t dast tell what I know. I don’t want to shock anybody.
BILL. You must of been born somewhere? Where did you get your big start?
RED. All right, I’ll tell one. Well, now, come to think of it, I was born in the Big Potato Mountains. My father was Jack the Giant Killer and my mother was the Sleeping Beauty. At the age of eighteen I went to work for the local storekeeper for a hundred bucks a year. I saved my money and in two years I was able to buy the Standard Oil Company and found the Carnegie Institute. It was me fought the Battle of Waterloo and blew up the Battleship Maine. Remember the Maine? Hell, I wouldn’t lie to you boys.
HOPPER. Say, can the guff, will you?
BALDY. Prob’ly you’re funny and then again prob’ly you ain’t so damn funny.
BILL. What’s the matter with you?
RED. You asked me to tell one, didn’t you? Well I told one, see?
OKLAHOMA. You don’t like biography?
RED. Sure! I always fall for that sob stuff, just the way the dames fell for Baldy out in Bagabo.
BALDY. You’re witty, you are. You’re witty! Yeah!
RED. Think so? I’ve always been that way.
EDNA. Red, don’t!
OKLAHOMA. I guess that’s about enough for you. You can get off right now.
RED. Off where?
OKLAHOMA. Off the train. I’ve seen guys get offen trains goin’ faster than this here one.
EDNA. Oklahoma, you wouldn’t put him off!
OKLAHOMA. Don’t you worry, girlie. I’ll take care of you. [To Red.] Why do you think I stuck up for the gal? Because I took to you so much? When I take chances, kid, I got reasons. When I’m with a gang it’s my gang, and if there’s a gal in the gang she’s my gal. She don’t need you no more.
BALDY. Yes, but make it legal, Oklahoma, make it legal! Gents, I move we sets up a Kangaroo Court right here and now, and tries this little Mick for being a lily-fingered gazabo, that’s too good for the rest of us.
OKLAHOMA. Sure, that’s right. We got plenty of time. Make it legal.
RED. Who says I’m too good for you? I’ll mash the can off anybody that says I’m too good for him.
RUBIN. No, you don’t; you got to stand trial for a speech like that one. You kidded the pants off us once too often; you talk like a choir boy.
BALDY. Come on, I’m the judge!
OKLAHOMA. Not by a jug-full. Nobody but your Uncle Ike is going to be judge. I know what’s law in this country. What the hell do you know about a court? Nothing. All right, you can be prosecuting attorney. Hopper, you can defend him.
HOPPER. Aw, hell.
OKLAHOMA. That’s all right. Somebody’s got to defend him. Wait till I put on my wig. [He ties a handkerchief into an imitation wig and sits on the keg, the box before him.] The bailiffs will bring the prisoner before the bar.
[Bill and Rubin escort Red to Oklahoma.]
BILL. Oyez, oyez; the court is hereby declared setting!
RED. All right. Go easy, judge; it’s a first offense.
OKLAHOMA. Shut up. [He uses the revolver for a gavel.] Order in the court. You think you’re gonta get by easy because you know the judge? Gentlemen of the jury, knights of the road, hangers-on and passers-by, fourflushers in the poker pack, this here court is now formally open for the dispensation of private prejudice and other family grudges.
BILL. Hear ye, hear ye!
OKLAHOMA. Be it known by those present that this here court will dispense with justice for the present, like every other court in this land of the millionaire and home of the slave. This here court is a bar—wait a minute—that reminds me of something— [He rises from the keg, takes off the lid and helps himself to a drink.] this here court is a bar-room—I mean a bar— [He sits on the keg again.] for the subornation of evidence and the laying down of the law. Gentlemen may cry for justice, gentlemen may plead for justice, but I tell you that a court is a place where justice can be evaded by anybody that’s able to afford it. The only question before the jury, Mr. Prosecuting Attorney is, who can afford it?
MOSE. Now you’re talking!
OKLAHOMA. Order in the court. Further interruptions from the peanut gallery will result in the courtroom being cleared of all such—suches. [He waves a hand majestically at Mose.] Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, to say nothing of the defense, which ain’t important, the law in this here case is the law of the road. I leave the procuring of necessary perjury to you, because it’s your business. Prisoner at the bar, where was you born.
RED. Wyoming, damn your honor.
OKLAHOMA. Prosecuting Attorney, what’s the charge against this here red-headed wolverine? Speak candidly, and remember the court has no mercy on poor men.
BALDY. The charge, your dishonor, is being a sissy and sleeping in beds and eating in restaurants. Moreover, this Mick, to my certain knowledge, takes wild women and makes ’em tame. He’s got a Y. M. C. A. influence over skirts. To my certain knowledge he picks a sweet little chicken out of a sporting house and seduces her into marrying him. An’ if the girls in the sporting houses gets married, I leaves it to your dishonor, what’s us poor single men going to do?
OKLAHOMA. Boy, this is a grave charge. I don’t know what you’re going to do about this. You better throw yourself on the mercy of the magistrate. It appears by the evidence that you’ve been undermining the morals of the home and affronting American womanhood by assaulting the oldest profession in the world. How is the virginity of the growing girl to be protected when there ain’t no sporting houses to stand as a bulwark of virtue? I hereby sentence you....
RED. Wait a minute, ain’t there going to be any defense?
OKLAHOMA. Defense hell! What good’s a defense when the court’s made up its mind? On the other hand, speaking contrarywise, we might just as well have a defense. It looks more legal that way and it can’t do any harm because the court won’t allow itself to be affected. Hopper, come on and defend him and remember anything you say’ll be used against you.
HOPPER. Can I have a drink?
OKLAHOMA. Try and get it. The court is now setting on the drinks.
HOPPER. Well, say judge, can’t you set somewheres else?
OKLAHOMA. Ain’t you got any more respect for the judiciary than that? Do you want this here court to hang by a strap? Anybody’d think you was the Transit Company. We will now proceed with the defense. Mr. Attorney for the Defense—shoot.
HOPPER. Well, judge, I’ll tell you; I got some suspicions of the aforesaid prisoner myself. He don’t look regular to me. But, hell, a lawyer’ll say anything, an’ I’m agonta begin and presume he’s no better’n the rest of us.
OKLAHOMA. That’s right—make it legal. Be as crooked as you damn please, but be legal. That’s the law.
HOPPER. Your Honor, this stiff’s record’s as clean as a nigger in a coal mine. He ain’t honest. He ain’t never done any work. He denies it verbatim. He makes tame girls wild. He drinks like a sewer and chaws tobacco like a walking beam. The nearest he ever came to being in a restaurant was buying a sandwich in a delicatessen. He ain’t slept in a bed since he was weaned. He can curse like a taxi-driver and fight like a one-eyed mule.
OKLAHOMA. Looka here, Defense; you’re trying to influence the court. You try that again and you’ll be debarred and dismembered. This here court’s made up its mind and it’s incorruptible. [Hopper scratches himself.] Furthermore, quit scratchin’ yourself in front of me. You make the court itchy. [He scratches.]
HOPPER. Aw, it’s a lousy court anyway!
OKLAHOMA. Bailiff, this goddam attorney’s scratching himself and it’s rank disrespect of our judicial prerogatives! Take him away.
[Hopper is led away.]
HOPPER. Can I have a drink?
OKLAHOMA. Order in the court! Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say?
RED. Why, God damn your Honor, I got enough to say to fill a Bible! The way you’ve been conducting this case is a national scandal. Why, you big bag of wool, you ain’t got any more honesty or principle than the Supreme Bench of the United States. You ain’t heard any evidence, you give me a cheap lawyer and you said yourself you ain’t in favor of a square deal! I object!
OKLAHOMA. You can’t object.
RED. I do object.
OKLAHOMA. Overruled. You ain’t got any standing. What do you mean, asking for a square deal? This is a court, ain’t it? You can’t get a square deal in a court! You’re accused of being a member of the middle class and I’m damned if I ain’t beginning to believe it.
RED. The middle class! Jesus! I grew up in Rabbit Town, I been running with women since I was twelve, and I can carry more liquor without sinking than a whole God damn section crew of drunken Italians! I’ve travelled more miles than the oldest commuter on the Erie Railroad!
OKLAHOMA. Yeah, but you don’t like it. You take to it like a chicken to water. You’ll be a drug-store clerk yet.
RED. All right, I don’t like it. But if I ain’t bummed my way into more towns than any gray whiskered bunkerino in this outfit I’ll get off the train! I’ve been in Kalispell and Salt Lake City and Valparaiso! I’ve been in Waukesha and Winnemucca and Winnipeg and Miami. I been in Boone and Cheyenne and Jefferson City and Rock Island. I been in Memphis and Baltimore and Santa Monica and Walla Walla and Saskatoon. You can’t name a town on the big time I don’t know by heart!
OKLAHOMA. Irreverent and immaterial. The court will now deliver sentence. [He rises rather unsteadily, the liquor beginning to tell on him.]
RED. Hell, I ain’t been found guilty yet.
OKLAHOMA. You know you’re guilty. That’s disevident to the most unscrupulous mind. You’re so guilty you look innocent. Gentlemen of the jury, this country was discovered by Columbus in 1492 and the wops have been coming here ever since. Once there was two Jews, and now look at ’em. If the yeggs and stiffs of this great and glorious republic don’t take steps to resist the encroachments of civilization, pretty soon there won’t be any yeggs and stiffs.
HOPPER. Yeah, that’s true. The Salvation Army gets a license to beg in Little Rock, and I can’t.
OKLAHOMA. Hey!
HOPPER. No use being crippled any more. Country’s bound for hell in a handbasket.
OKLAHOMA. Before going on and continuing, will somebody murder the Honorable Attorney for the Defense? [Bill promptly sits on Hopper.] Gentlemen of the Jury, since the beginning of time there’s been three classes in this large and magnificent territory, now governed exclusively by General Dawes and the Anti-Saloon League. I pause for a reply, and if anybody answers me, God help him. First, there is them that gives orders; second, there is them that does the work; and third, but not least, there is them that don’t do nothing and never will!
RUBIN. Hear ye! Hear ye!
OKLAHOMA. Gentlemen, of them that don’t do nothing there is two kinds, yeggs and stiffs. The only difference between ’em is that the yeggs take what they want and the stiffs ask for it. Them two kinds is the only one’s that’s free and equal according to the provisions of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States. Yes, gentlemen, out of the whole goddam hundred and ten millions recorded for their sins in the last census there remains but a little handful of free men, paying no homage to capital and bending no neck to the foreman, turning no cranks, pitching no bundles, wheeling no go-carts, bringing home no wages, walking independent and alone under the sky. The world’s their outdoor sleeping-porch and slumgullion is their kosher. Gentlemen all, that’s us.
ALL [except Red, Snake and Edna]. Hooray!
OKLAHOMA. But, gentlemen, we have in our midst, to the shame of old Ireland, a slick little Mick, speaking several languages, and with the advantage of a generous hobo education, that intends to get married and support the established institutions. Do you know what we’re going to do with him?
BALDY. Lynch him, I say.
OKLAHOMA. Shame on you, Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, for that illiterate suggestion. No, sir; we gotta do everything decently and in order. The sentence is exile to Russia. Little Red loses his sweetie to the custody of the court and gets off the train. Bailiffs, do your duty! Open the door.
RED. What!
OKLAHOMA. Open the door. [Bill opens the door.]
RED. You don’t mean it.
OKLAHOMA [savagely]. The hell I don’t mean it.
BILL. Hey, Judge, we’re on a trustle. Say, we’ve left the main line.
RUBIN. We’re crossing the Missouri, and it’s deeper than the Gulf of Mexico. If we kick him off here he’ll have to swim.
OKLAHOMA [sitting]. Hell, that’s too bad. The court is visibly affected. [He wipes away a tear.]
BILL. We’ll have to wait and put him off on the other side. Geez, we switched at Fort Union.
OKLAHOMA. That being the case, tie him up.
BILL [as he and Rubin arrest Red]. Stand still, you red-headed flea! You want me to bash you one?
RED. I warn you, if you dump me off this rattler there’s going to be murder done when I catch up with you!
BILL. Aw, take it in fun, Mick, take it in fun.
RED. Take that in fun! [He socks Bill viciously on the jaw.]
BILL. Hey, you dirty bastard!
[He and Rubin tie Red, the rest laughing heartily. They carry him back and dump him on the sacks near Edna.]
BALDY [at door]. Hey, Snake, this rattler’s beating it south. We must have switched at Fort Union.
SNAKE. Yeah? Well, see what you can do about it.
HOPPER. Hell, this is all wheat-growin’ country around here.
OKLAHOMA. What the hell do you care where you’re going?
HOPPER. Well, now I’ll have to walk across the Rocky Mountains.
OKLAHOMA. The court’s adjourned. [He rises and kicks the keg.] Boys, is anybody going to save me from being a solitary drinker?
HOPPER [as they cluster round]. Lemme at it!
BALDY. Here’s the Kangaroo Judge!
BILL. Here’s the lady friend of the Kangaroo Judge!
HOPPER. Here’s the ward of the court!
RUBIN. Here’s to fallen women!
OKLAHOMA. Wait a minute! That’s a good skoal! [He walks over to Edna, cup in hand.] Cutie, a toast has been proposed to fallen frails. Here’s to ’em. [He drinks.]
EDNA. Don’t talk to me about it. Try the Florence Crittenden Home.
OKLAHOMA. You know, sweetie, I got a suspicion you’re a little wicked. That’s a compliment.
EDNA. Very sweet of you, I’m sure.
OKLAHOMA. Now I’m as wicked as hell, and if you and me was to be wicked together, my God, how wicked we could be!
EDNA. I’m one of these modern women, judge. I claim the right to pick the guy I’m gonta be wicked with.
OKLAHOMA. You know, darling, you’ve got the old judge going. Now, you’re the ward of the court, and I don’t want to cause any talk, but God damn his Honor, he’d like to break the Mann act and the Sullivan law with you.
EDNA. You ain’t any Valentino you know.
OKLAHOMA. Listen, kiddie, Little Red is deserting you. He’s getting off the train as soon as we hit dry land. Who’s it going to be? You know who it’s going to be.
EDNA. Who’s it going to be?... Why, the Snake. He’s a better man than you are.
OKLAHOMA. Who says so?
EDNA. The Snake as good as spit in your eye back in the camp—and what do you do? You make some clever remark about not needing to kill anybody at the moment. Lucky for you you can talk. If you couldn’t talk yourself out of trouble you wouldn’t live long.
OKLAHOMA. Lady bird, the only reason I didn’t have a go with the Snake was that he was scared to raise his eyes higher’n my shoe strings.
EDNA. You better whisper that, because he’s looking at you.
OKLAHOMA [turning]. All right, Arkansas; the lady wants a fight. Get up. [Arkansas rises.] Angel-face likes the silent kind. She likes ’em silent as the White House after election. When I get through with you, pardner, you can look for a furnished room in a cemetery. It’s going to be the peace of the dead from then on.
SNAKE. Do you always start a fight with a gat in your pocket?
OKLAHOMA [tossing the gun out the door]. There it goes. Moreover, if you’ve got any last statements to make or any fond farewells you’d better get ’em over with. They call you the Snake, do they? Well, I’m a snake-eater, see? I eat ’em alive. When a snake bites me it’s the snake that dies.
SNAKE. Go on and preach your sermon, because there won’t be any at your funeral. You’re drunk, you bag of guts, and I’m going to tear the wind-pipe out of you.
[Oklahoma swings and misses. The Snake leaps for his throat and Oklahoma gets a similar grip. They fall and roll over, Oklahoma ending on top. He chokes Snake into submission, then pauses thoughtfully, one hand still holding his adversary by the shirt front.]
BILL. What’s the matter, judge?
OKLAHOMA. I’m just wondering whether to kill him or not. If I don’t kill him he’s going to try to kill me sometime. And if I do kill him, it makes a mess on the floor.
BALDY. Aw, come on, be a sport. Let him up.
[Ukie takes out his ukelele and begins tuning it.]
OKLAHOMA. All right, Baldy, you take care of him. Maybe you better give him a drink. [He goes to the keg, and helps himself. Baldy carries a drink to the Snake, who sits up.] Are you licked, you sidewinder?
SNAKE. No, by God!
OKLAHOMA. Oh, yes, you are. I’m going to sit by my girl. [He goes to Edna and sits at her feet.] Now, little sweet dreams, have you got a good word for Oklahoma? [He lays his head in her lap.] What do you say?
EDNA [smiling at him]. It ain’t a bad state, judge, even, if you come from it.
OKLAHOMA. That’s right, kid, be sweet to me. You don’t need to be afraid of me. You going to give the old judge a kiss, Angel-face. Come on, kid, show ’em how you do it.
EDNA. Wait till I sing you something, judge. Say, Ukie, play that one again. The one you was just playing.
OKLAHOMA. That’s right, sing to me, Angel-face. Sing “Say it Isn’t True”—you know that one?
EDNA. I guess I know that one.
OKLAHOMA. Sure, everybody knows that one. There was a swell little dame used to sing that back in Des Moines. Sing it, kid.
[Ukie plays.]
EDNA [singing].