Goops and How to Be Them

Almost every Goop forgets

When it's time to feed his pets,

'Cause his memory fails;

Listen to his wails!

He is often scratched or bitten

By the puppy or the kitten,

'Cause he pulls their tails!

Remember not to suck your thumb;

Remember not to slam the door;

Remember when the callers come

To take your toys from off the floor.

I think that it would help you much

If you'd remember not to touch.

The Goops do this, and they do more,

They peep and listen at the door!

They open bottles of cologne,

And feel of parcels not their own!

But there are many stupid folks

Who do not care for children's jokes.

Willy broke the window-pane.

Willy spilled the ink,

Willy left the water-pipe

Running in the sink!

Did his mother punish him?

No! I'll tell you why.

Willy, he owned up to it,

And didn't tell a lie!

Willy told his mother

Before she found it out

He said: "I am so sorry!"

She said "I have no doubt!"

When you are playing in the dirt,

You should wear clothes you cannot hurt;

It will not matter, when they're worn,

If they are just a little torn.

But when you're really nicely dressed,

Be careful of your Sunday Best!

You must not crawl upon your knees;

Be careful of your elbows, please!

I never knew a Goop to help his mother,

I never knew a Goop to help his dad,

And they never do a thing for one another;

They are actually, absolutely bad!

If you ask a Goop to go and post a letter,

Or to run upon an errand, how they act!

But somehow I imagine you are better,

And you try to go, and cry to go, in fact!

Hush! for your father is reading.

Hush! for your mother is ill.

Hush! for the baby

Is sleeping, and may be

He'll catch a nice dream if you're still.

Kiss me, and promise you will!

Make your soldiers march away,

When you're finished with your play.

Lead them to the barrack-box,

Make them carry all your blocks.

Teach your doll to go to bed,

Not to lie about instead;

Tell her she must clear away

Everything she's used to-day.

All your playthings and your toys

Must be trained like girls and boys!

Tease to linger longer when your mother bids you go;

Tease to have a penny when your father answers, "No!"

Tease to have a story when your uncle doesn't please;

That's the way to be a Goop—tease, tease, tease!

Hint about the carriage when there's only room for three;

Hint about the toys you like and every doll you see;

Hint about the candy, say you're fond of peppermint;

That's the way to be a Goop—hint, hint, hint!

Don't interrupt your father when he's telling funny jokes;

Don't interrupt your mother when she's entertaining folks;

Don't interrupt the visitors when they have come to call,—

In fact, it's generally wiser not to interrupt at all.

I'm sure that I would rather die

Than have my playmates see me cry;

It twists your face

And knots your forehead,

And makes you look all cross and horrid;

And every one who sees you cries

"What is the matter with your eyes?"

When you travel in the street,

Are you cautious and discreet?

Do you look about for horses

When your little brother crosses?

Do you go the shortest way,

Never stopping once to play?

Goodness gracious sakes alive!

Mother said, "Come home at five!"

Now the clock is striking six,

I am in a norful fix!

She will think I can't be trusted,

And she'll say that she's disgusted!

The Goops are very hard to kill,

So they hang out the Window-sill;

Down the Banisters they slide—

I could do it if I tried;

But when Mother tells me "don't,"

Then, of course I really won't!

When 'tis time to go to church

Do you ever have a chill?

When 'tis time to go to school,

Do you fancy you are ill?

Oh, be very cautious, please,

I can tell by signs like these

You have got the Goop Disease!

Tony started bright and early, clearing up his room,

Soon he found he had to stop and make a little broom;

So then he went into the yard to get a little stick,

But the garden needed weeding, so he set about it, quick!

Then he found his wagon he intended to repair,

So he went into the cellar for the hammer that was there;

He'd just begun to build a box, when it was time for dinner;

And that's why Tony's father called his son a "good beginner."

Spring's the time for marbles

And Fall's the time for tops,

But boys don't know, they only go

By seeing them in shops!

They like a sled in Winter,

In Summer 'tis a kite;

But dolls are found the whole year round

And every day and night!

When your mother combs your hair,

Here's a rhyme for you to say:

If you try it, I declare,

It will take the snarls away!

In the ocean of my hair,

Many little waves are there;

Make the comb, a little boat,

Over all the billows float;

Sail the rough and tangled tide

Till it's smooth on every side,

Till, like other little girls,

I've a sea of wavy curls!

Now the book, is finished

(It's too long by half,

Mere didactic chaff),

One more rule won't hurt you:

When you practise Virtue,

Do it with a laugh!