Hashimura Togo, Domestic Scientist

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who tell all American ladies what to wear, but neglect to explan where they can buy it.

Dear Sir:—I am now entirely missed from West Dewberry, Mass, near Boston where it is. Reason for this are dissimilarity of intellect caused by Hon. Mrs. Violet Sweet, lovely lady with Harvard voice and bargain arrangement of soul. I show you how was:

Last Thusday in the early a.m. of forenoon this Hon. Mrs. Sweet was setting with Boston news-print reading it up.

“Oh!” This from her.

“What is?” I require chivalrously standing near respectful carpet-sweep.

“Great sales are sailing in all Dept Stores! With immediate quickness I must depart off and buy one.”

“Can you afford this extravagance? I ask to know.

“In buying bargains I never consider costs,” she dib with mustard voice.

She depart offwards up stairs. Pretty soonly she return backwards wearing fashionable hobble of clothing.

“Togo,” she say for gently smiling, “how you like take vacation to day?”

“This would be good healthy for me.”

“I generously grant this rest to you,” she acknowledge. “All I require you to do is to come Boston with me & carry whatever shopping I buy.”

I a.m.ch obliged. So we depart off by railroad trolley while I carry suit-case, cloak, handbag & umburella on my polite elbow. She set proudishly in cars while I obtain rearward seat behind her. Pretty soonly Hon. Conductor encroach to her with carfare expression.

“I require transfers, if convenient,” she commute.

“Not to do, Hon. Lady!” reproach Hon. Conductor. “We never give transfer on cars of green complexion.”

“I shall report your backward talk,” she snib.

Pretty soonly she make turn-around to me.

“Pass me hand-bag!” she say so. I donate that leather implement.

She open him up and seek inside with nervous expression of fingers.

“You lost it?” I ask to know.

“I cannot dishcover my golden vain-box where it is!” she holla, making more looks inside. Eccitement. “O here is!” she exclam, bringing up one slight box resembling golden cake of soap. She open Hon. Suit-case, remove powder puff and make slight smudge to nose with that delicious feather. Then she put him back in box, close box, imprison him in bag, close bag and hand him to me.

“Give me suit-case,” she pronounce. I poke forth that valuable arcticle. She open him by brass clasp.

“Where are my hand-bag?” she require for frights.

“Here is!” I renig. She open him up to see if Hon. Vain Box are still comfortable, then close him, drop him in Hon. Suit-case, and thrust him backwards to me.

Pretty soonly we make changecar at Porterhouse Junction. We make step-up into red-headed street-car what await there.

“Carfare!” holla Hon. Conductor with police expression.

“Give transfers to this gentleman!” she require from me where I sat back.

“Hon. Conductor neglect to give us that paper!” I negotiate. Her eyes was full of vinegar.

“How dares you talk repartee after losing transfers?” she denote. So she give 10c extravagant cash to Hon. Conductor.

Nextly we came to Boston. Hon. Mrs. Sweet make her feet very determined and at lastly we arrive to a swollen building containing glass windows full of wax ladies resembling Newport. Hon. Mrs. Boss say “Oh!” with raptures and emerge inside.

Mr. Editor, I never observed so many ladies walking circular as was inside that Hon. Dept Store. Wholesale quantities of female people was rushing elsewheres like Suffragettes who lost their general.

In the meanwhiles Hon. Mrs. Boss were somewheres. I could not tell. For 26 complete minutes I make search-up while being knocked in both directions. At lastly I dishcover her by enlarged counter full of blue polka-dots containing label, “DRESS SILK 19c.”

“Togo,” she exclam, “where are my money?”

“No got,” I narrate. Her nose grew angry.

“Are you so unintellectual that you do not know my money is in my purse in my handbag in my suit-case?”

I give her Hon. Suit-case, feeling very sorry for my depravity.

Nextly we descend up elevator. On next floor I observed a warfare. Surrounding one enlarged sign pronouncing “Great Slaughter of Waists.” Hon. Mrs. Sweet see this and holla, “O such happy bargain!” Then she make inrush while acting like a mob.

She attempt to remove one refined clothing away from a fatty lady whose hat was rye on her head.

“Where you come from to act so Indian?” require Hon. Mrs. Fattish.

“From West Dewberry, Mass., more better place than you!” snib Hon. Mrs. Boss.

“I shall teach you some manners,” report Hon. Fattish making tug-jerk to waist.

I could not see that dear Mrs. Sweet thusly deposed upon, so I stand forth with upturned bundle.

“Stop off!” I holla to this wide woman. “How darest you be rude to a lady?”

Hon. Mrs. Boss and Hon. Mrs. Stout stand offward and look to me.

“Togo,” ensnap Mrs. Violet Sweet, “when you are called on you shall be called.”

So I withdrew backwards and permit her to finish that slaughter alone. Again she requesh me for handbag. I donate it to her.

“I shall keep it,” she dib. “You are not safe with valuable accumulations.”

So she give me one more swollen bundle for carry and proceed onwards.

“Where I shall find dish-pan, curling-iron and latest fiction-book bargain?” she require of Hon. Floorwalk.

“Three floor down-side take elevator,” he computate. We do so and arrive there where numerous sell-ladies was there making society conversation and other crashes of hardwear. Hon. Mrs. Sweet buy dish-pan, price 13½c. I carry this. She obtain pat toaster, bird-cage & complete written books of Hon. Rud Kipling. I hang those to myself.

“Where I find millinary hats?” she ask out to Hon. Sell lady.

“Top floor go upwards,” she indicate.

We do so. I stand back at respectable distance holding Hon. Bundle-package with fatigued elbows resembling Santa Claus. Hon. Mrs. set befront of mirror-glass attempting to make herself look Vanderbilt for $3.29 price. She try hat with roosters pointing upwards.

“You look very swelled for the price,” say Hon. Sell Lady.

“Took it away!” commit Hon. Mrs. She try hat with roosters dropping downwards.

“So joyful appearance!” suppose Hon. Sell Lady.

“Remove it!” snib Hon. Mrs.

At lastly she choose hatwear with roosters surrounding it in circles. Hon. Sell Lady enwrap it in box resembling trunk and this are piled on top of me. Thusly we start homewards.

At doorway Hon. Mrs. say,

“Oh! I must buy a pin, price 3c!” She elope to counter and do so.

Mr. Editor do you realize to know how difficult a pin can be? For 41 complete minutes we await that important sticker, then Hon. Mrs. must change $5 bill for remove 3c change out. At lastly when we arrive to trolley outside, Hon. Mrs. require,

“Togo, shopping are very outwearing work.”

“I heard so,” was loud report for me while restraining Hon. Hat Box where he slid on my ear.

At lastly we was in Porterhouse Junction setting in depot awaiting changecar. Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. holla,

“Oh!!!”

“What was?” This from me.

“I have lost Hon. Handbag. Elope back to Dept Store with immediate quickness and remove it from pin-counter where is.”

I set down all them bundles in pile resembling an Alp. Then I attach myself to Hon. Trolley and ride back to where she say.

With Samurai elbows I sidle myself through them broad ladies in Dept Store and arrive up at pin-place. Oh Yes! There were that dear Handbag laying loosely amidst pile of needles signed “4c.” I pick him up and start offwards.

While I was debutting out of door with Hon. Handbag on my proud wrist, one gentleman clasp me by coat.

“You are a shop snatcher!” he acknowledged glubly.

“I cannot assimulate your insult,” I renig.

“Where you obtain Hon. Bag?” he snuggle.

“He belong Hon. Mrs. Boss who is there!” I snagger.

“Come long to penitentiary!” he gubble, making dragging movements with my wrists.

“Hara kiri!” I yall, and before he could be more abominable I give him jiu jitsu and knock him over a bargain. Then I commence eloping away with talented foot-steps.

“Stop Mr. Thief!” several human persons holla, and nextly I knew I were a runaway with Boston attempting to catch up. I am a very sly Japanese, Mr. Editor, and when I was sufficiently entangled amidst streets I redoubled on myself and escape away to other sections of Boston where crimes was not noticed. 2 complete hour of time I hid there amongst flats. Then I emerge forth and catch redheaded trolley so I should meet Hon. Mrs. at Porterhouse Junction.

“Why you not stay all day?” she require sarcastly.

“Should gladly do so, but Hon. Police prevent,” I advocate.

“You got my handbag where was?”

“Yes, please!” I gave it forth to her. She look at it with disjointed eyes.

“Living sakes!!!” This from her. She enjoy deep gasp and faint off. By slight water-sip I revive her back.

“Damaged remnant of heathenish immigration!” she gollup, holding forth Hon. Bag. “Where you snatch this article of luggage?”

“Off from Hon. Pin-Counter,” I say so.

“I never seen it before. It belong to someone else!”

Thusly revolving she fainted out again. So I left her to enjoy it by herself and sklunk away feeling entirely impossible.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.