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Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of Living
To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who desire to make high-life less costly.
Dear Mr.:—Please address all letters to Fineheimer Employment Bureau where I am looking for it, as usual. Sorrow for me. Sometimes I think I am like a shoot-gun, merely make to be fired.
When last seen I was employed at home of Mrs. Ethel McManus who reside with her husband, Mr. Ethel McManus at Honeyville-on-the-Hudson. They are a very matrimonial couple of people. They were married only a short time of yore. Therefore they are living in midst of wedding presents which they are trying to use as furniture. How superflous!
“Togo,” say this lady to me, “I hire you because we are too poor to live without a servant.”
“How smart idea!” I report with chivalry.
“Yes,” she repartee. “I learn this wisdom from newspaper: ‘A good servant will save Hon. Housekeeper $6 a week.’ Acting on this advice I hire you for $5 a week, which make following arithmetic: $6 - $5 = $1. Therefore I have cleaned up $1 a week by transaction.”
“If you kep 20 servants at that rate you could save sufficient to keep ottomobiles,” I pronounce joyfully.
“I have oftenly thought of that,” say this bridish lady. “But I think I shall begin gradually on 1 servant and see how much I save.”
“I permit you to retain all you make off me,” I suggest for generosity.
“Your duties,” she utter, “is to keep high cost of living as low-down as possible. I expect you to buy food for our home, and to purchase it with such financial cuteness that everything will cost less than formerly. When Hon. Beefsteak cost 28c per lb. I expect you to chide him until he become more reasonable. Hon. Chicken must walk down from his 37c perch if he wish to join us at our table. Potatus, string-bean, butter and salad must also act less haughty in their prices if they wish to associate with us on bill-of-fare. Could you manage this for our household?”
“Japanese are great diplomatists,” I report. “I am willing to approach the problem with intense stinginess.”
“The duties of a servant,” repeat Mrs. McManus with expression of old-age peculiar to brides, “the duties of a servant is to come into more affectionate contact with butcher, baker and icer. Thus tradesmen might be coaxed into sharing with Housekeeper that profits which they now selfishly keep in their business. You will arrange this.”
“I am willing to promise anything,” I collaborate.
“Each morning after dish-wash ceremony is over & Hon. Furnace is fed for the day, you must promenade with basket to market where High Cost of Living resides. It is useless for you to squander $2 here & there in reckless provisions. I read in newspaper this morning how one delicious and nourishing lunch for 3 persons might be bought for 50c, including cost of gas to cook it with. I shall try it today. My Hon. Aunt Augusta are expected here at noon. I require you to make miraculous meal for her. Here is 50c. Take it and be economical.”
“I could not be extravagant under those circumstances,” I renig, compressing the ½ dollar to my pocket.
“Be as hasty as possible,” she beseech when I depart.
“It should take no time to make 50c go a long ways,” I encourage. “I shall saunter among markets making storekeepers jealous by my independent behavior. Then I shall promenade homewards and commence to cook.”
I do so and this is what I done.
I spent 5c trolley fare and arrive to shop of Hon. Fritz Schultz, prominent butchery. I discover this wealthy meat-person standing befront of his store making sweet whistles.
“O Hon. Mr. Sir,” I commence, “your soul feels very musical this morning.”
“A butcher’s soul is like his sausage,” he confab, “full of strange and wonderful surprises. Also I must feel slightly poetical because Spring have arrived to my store.”
“Spring,” I snagger.
“Ah, yes,” he say off. “Beholt the signs of Spring in my window.”
I notice several. One say: “SPRING LAMB!—Marked Up to 42c.” Another say, “SPRING CHICKEN—Formerly 18c. Reduced to 27c.”
“Why should meat behave so heavenly?” I reproach. “It is continually soaring beyond.”
“The Trusts—they are greedy about making profits,” he say, arranging his necktie, which was full of diamond pins. “The Trusts are to blame, as usual. What can I sell you this morning? I shall be willing to part from some delicious pork chops for twice that they are worth.”
“At such a price pork should taste like venison,” I suggested.
“Have you got any food for sale that is less ostentatious?” I acquit.
“Corn beef,” he report. “That homely dish can be obtained for 22c per lb.”
“I shall take 1 lb. please,” I order.
“Umpossible!” he disorder. “My corn beef come only in 5 lb. patterns.”
My soul drop back, completely flabbed.
“Ain’t you got nothing that I can buy for 15c?” I gosp.
“How you insult me!” he gollup, wiping meat-axe with rage. So I depart off before chop occur.
It was now 11:30 by clock-time and I had not yet obtained that 50c lunch. I spent 5c more trolley fare arriving at Nusbaum’s Butchery. This leave me 40c with which to do so with.
“What you got for 15c which is sifficient to retain 3 persons, mostly ladies?” I ask from Hon. Nusbaum. He look to me with fatty eyebrows.
“I can give you 3 nice mutton bones for that price of money,” he report.
“Can food be made from mutton bones?” I ask it.
“If properly prepared,” he renig, “they are delicious. First they should be boiled for 4 days in extract of beef, then stuffed with chicken giblets, olives, muskrooms, raisons, and 12 fresh eggs chopped finely. The cost of this dish are as follows:
Bones 15c
Chicken giblets 1.50
Muskrooms .75
Eggs .65
Raisons .20
——
Total Extravagance $3.25”
“You call this cheap dish?” I holla nervely.
“You would be surprised to see how cheap it tastes!” he suggest while I walk away from that conversation.
I stand with my 40c remainder on sidewalk and wonder what next. Ah! Vegetable lunch is most delicate for invalids and full of economy. Therefore I shall go to place of Hon. Cyrus Goldthwaite, groceries and vegetables. I arrive there by trolley, which cost 10c because I lost my transfer. This subtract me down to 3c.
“What wish?” require Cyrus Goldthwaite, with spectacles.
“How much would 3 potatus cost?” I negotiate. I was sure those vegetable would be nourishing, because Irish eats them and remains quite warlike.
“They come in all sizes,” suggest Hon. Goldthwaite.
“Give them to me about ladies’ size,” I suggest, because I knew they was for a ladies’ lunch.
Hon. Goldthwaite hand forth 3 gentle-looking potatus.
“23c” he require.
“O, Hon. Groceries!” I abject. “Ladies cannot live on potatus alone. I got 30c with which to obtain lunch for 3. From this I must extract 5c for trolley home-trip. What bill-of-fare can I purchase for 25c remainder?”
“Sardines,” he say, “are nourishing but they tastes lonesome without crackers. These rare fishes costs 20c per box and sifficient crackers to chaperone them would cost 7c. This would leave bonus of 3c for salt. Or if you would think it more delicate you might obtain ½ lb. cheese at 18c and 1 potatus at 7c.”
“I am completely puzzled by this arithmetic,” he said.
“Maybe I should telephone to Mrs. McManus and find what is,” I say so. So I do so.
“Hullo!”
“Yes.”
“This is Togo.”
“O!” Chillbite voice.
“I wish to ask, please, what you would prefer as nourishment? Would 2 potatus and one box crackers seem more sifficient than ½ lb. cheese and 1 potatus?”
“For which meal, please?” she snib.
“For lunch, please,” I expose.
“Togo!” holla blond voice from telephone, “as it is now 1:45 in P. M. and my guest has already went elsewheres in search for food, I can see no sensible ratio in your horseless remarks. How dare you show your face a.m. telephone under such conditions?”
“Be more calm to me,” I besearch. “You sent me forth with 50c to save money from food. I done so. If your guest went away without lunch, she saved you that much. Which were very economical. When you substract 25c from my traveling expenses you will still have 25c for profits on the day. Thusly I save you from your luxuries.”
“You are talking a vacuum,” she strongle. “There is one luxury you shall save me from in future.”
“Which luxury is that, please?” I deploy.
“You!” she snagger abruptly. Bang-up for telephone.
Hon. Goldthwaite charge me 10c for that telephone. Which show that high price of talking is also increasing rapidly upward.
With my remaining wealth I advance hopefully forward towards Fineheimer Employment Bureau which I am always welcomed.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.