XVII
The Drama of Sex
To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who knows how to go too far without arriving there.
Dearest Sir:—My Aunt Taki Kati, spinsterial suffragette from Kobe, Japan, arrived here of recently and say she should like see all the customs of America.
“What you wish see firstly?” I require for guide-bookish expression.
“Theater,” she say so.
“Had we not better begin with some other slum first?” I ask out. “There are some delicious gunmen in jail this week; Tammany Hall are still open to tourists and I could show you some splandid opium smokeries in Chinatown, price 25c.”
“Why should I not see theater first?” she require with Pankhurst eyebrows.
“Because so,” I report. “To enjoy theater you should a proach it gradually like any other bad habit. It are better to work up from mild to more strong. Otherwisely you might become ill without feeling intoxicated. Foreigners intending to see American theaters should first take lessons in blonde-slavery, debutchery, gun-manliness and o. u. kiddery. Then they can see dramatic arts without blushing too much.”
“My stumach has been strengthened by hunger strikes,” say that suffraging Japanese. “Therefore I can stand considerable endurance.”
“What variety play you wish observe?” I say it.
“Some simple domesticated drama,” she indicate. So we went forthly for see what was.
Mr. Editor, when we approach Broadway that street seem about like usual. Breathing get more difficulty there all time, because so many new theaters arise there each night, making fresh air umpossible.
“I smell the odor of some smell,” narrate my dear Aunt with chokes.
“There is several new Viennese plots in town,” I say so.
While we walked we could see following flashing signs winking with wicked electricity:
Countess Nymphia
By Swineburg
Openly Vicious!!
Next sign report:
The Girl and the Libertine
A Horrible Hit!!
Next theater divulge:
Slightly Soiled
The Drama of Disease!!
Nearby electricity say:
The White Slave’s Frolic
Modern Musical Comedy
100 Shocking Songs!!
My Aunt Taki Kati wish see this opera, because she admire Gilbert & Sullivan for their tunes. So we go Box Office and ask buy sit-down inside.
“We do not sell tickets,” he reply peevly. “Ain’t you got sifficient brains in your mind to go to speculator when buying tickets?”
We find Hon. Speculator by sidewalk looking quite commercial.
“10$ each,” he report with tickets.
“Why should your price be so immodest?” I snagger.
“This are an immodest play,” he snudge. “Also we must charge extra for this performance because the author will be arrested after Act II.”
I knew we could see just a.m.ch wickedness for less cash money, so we walk onwards. On side-up street we see sign which say:
The Limit!
Abundantly Worst!!
At this play we obtain sitting-room price 3$ each, which were deliciously cheap for so much sin. When we got inside there I obtain program, which was useless for my Aunt Taki, who do not understand American language, but can blush plenty in Japanese. Following words was on program:
Evil Characters Represented
| J. W. Wineblower | Vice-President of Vice Trust |
| Mrs. Lillian Lorelei | A Temptation |
| Venus | A poor shop girl |
There was many others on that program which I did not have time to see because Hon. Curtain go uply amidst Rector music. The scenery was red like it was blushing for itself. And there sat Hon. Mrs. Lorelei removing shoes while smoking opium. Pretty soonly one of her husbands encroach in and complain that Hon. Janitor has been putting too much water in his morphine this week. Knock-knock by door. Hon. Police arrive in and accept bribery. Amidst considerable talk about purity Hon. Miss Venus arrive in and say she cannot obtain sifficient vice for 4$ weekly in department store where she work. Therefore she have come. I shall tell you the rest when I can whisper....
Mr. Editor, when Act I were finished up my Aunt Taki Kati smell a bottle of Japanese salts for take the taste out of her nose. She say that if America was like this Japan must annex it before it decayed. She say her oldmaidenhood were insulted by that sight and she was sure she must die dead from shocks.
“Maybe we better go outside for ventilated air,” I snuggest.
“Ah no!” she otter. “Let me faint where I am. If I went out I might lose my seat.”
But I feel otherwisely. I would rather drink my beer in some saloon where thoughts are more pure. So I elope outside, leaving Hon. Aunt to shock by herself. There was so many Presbyterian clergymans coming inward that I was nearly scrunshed in going outward. Yet I manage to get to lobbed door outside.
By Boxed Office I notice Hon. Moses Feldspar, the management, talking to Chief of Police and other press agents.
“You are less ashamed than formerly,” I narrate hashly.
“Why should I feel ashamed of employing Truth among my actresses?” he snagger.
“I never saw Truth behave so careless!” I dib.
“She are most truthful when naked,” he exclam.
“She are,” I renig for scorns. “But when Hon. Stage Manager dress her in X ray skirt she appear entirely dishonest.”
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.