ACT II
Sometime in the middle of the year 221 A.D.
The scene is the cubicula nocturna, or bedroom, of the Emperor in the Palace. Time: 10 P.M.
A rather shallow and crowded apartment, with doors at the left and upper right, and a single window at the right. The Romans, of course, did not have beds of the sort we sleep in today. The thing they used was a sort of chaise-longue—that is, it had no foot-board. HELIOGABALUS' bed is to the left of the spectator, with its back against the back wall and its foot facing the footlights. Beside it, separated by a space of no more than two feet, is the huge bed of his wives. It is, in design, exactly like his own, but it is at least 20 feet wide. The bed-clothing stretches unbrokenly from side to side of it, but there are separate pillows—twelve of them, each embroidered with a large monogram in purple. The pillow with the "L" [for LUCIA] is nearest HELIOGABALUS' bed. In the narrow space between this huge bed and HELIOGABALUS' there is a small night table, and on it are a lamp and a bottle of water and goblet. This lamp furnishes the only light in the room. Twelve clothes-racks, piled with finery, are at the extreme right.
As the curtain rises, HELIOGABALUS is propped up in bed, reading a scroll by the light of the lamp. LUCIA is the only occupant of the other bed. She is lying near the middle of it, and is thus about 10 feet from HELIOGABALUS.
HELIOGABALUS, still holding the scroll in one hand, reaches over, pours out a goblet of water, looks at it sourly, makes a face, heaves a sigh, and drinks it.
HELIOGABALUS
What stuff! No wonder I've still got the stomach-ache. [Slowly rolling up the scroll as he gives it a final scrutiny] Hm—hm—hm— ...
LUCIA
[After a pause, sleepily] What have you been doing, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
Drinking that washing-water you make me drink, and reading.
LUCIA
Reading what?
HELIOGABALUS
Poetry.
LUCIA
[Piously] Poetry is corrupting.
HELIOGABALUS
I agree with you. Listen to this: [Reading]
LUCIA
[Somewhat uncertainly] Who wrote it?
HELIOGABALUS
One of your Christian poets—Commodianus. What you call a hymn writer. It sickens me.
LUCIA
[Challengingly] I like it.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, and you also like the Song of Solomon. I blush for you, little sweetbread. The Song of Solomon is pretty raw stuff. It is astonishing what a few months of marriage will do to an otherwise modest girl.
LUCIA
[Primly] Solomon sang of Paradise.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, did he? But he took good care to fill Paradise with cuties. He had the imagination of a sailor. If Paradise is actually full of that sort of thing—if such didoes go on there—then all I can say is that—
LUCIA
Now don't start moralizing, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not? I am moral: why shouldn't I moralize? Is it a crime for a cow to give milk?
LUCIA
[An exclamation of disgust] Oh, you always—
HELIOGABALUS
I have been faithful to you, little pullet, for 180 days and, what's more, 180 nights. How's that for morals? I defy you to find me a Christian to match it, at any weight. Think of it! Here am I, still in the prime of life, Emperor of Rome, Pontifex Maximus and all the rest of it, and yet I am as virtuous as a convict in the death-house. Here am I without a glass of schnapps for six months. Here am I with twelve wives, at least five of them charming, and I lock eleven of them out, and—
LUCIA
You must obey the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I have obeyed it. And what do I get for it? I still have my stomach-ache. And the one wife I have left rolls over about half a mile, and leaves me to shiver over bad poetry. [He throws the scroll on the floor] My dear, you must allow something to my training. I am used to society at night. Loneliness always starts up my dyspepsia. How many times have I suddenly wakened and cast my eye over that bed and watched the sweet girls as they slumbered, or whispered to one another, or nudged one another, or giggled in their more or less perfect innocence. There was always at least one awake. And when she saw me sitting up wearily, tortured by some business of state, she would crawl over and pour me out a drink of the real stuff, and then snuggle into bed with me, and stroke my hair, and—
LUCIA
There was always an Eye upon you. There was One who saw.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, if there was, then I call it damned bad form. Even the gods should have some decency.
LUCIA
[Horrified] Decency?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, say good manners.
LUCIA
Now you blaspheme, Cæsar. You should pray.
HELIOGABALUS
I am willing. I have no objection to prayer—in its proper place. As you may recall, I was originally designed for the church: it was only accident that threw me into politics. But your proposal, now—your scheme of praying here every evening—isn't it a bit vulgar?
LUCIA
What an idea!
HELIOGABALUS
Still, I can't rid myself of it. It haunts my conscience, so to speak. Just think of it a moment. Imagine praying in a—bedroom! Don't you get a vague flavour of, say, impropriety? Isn't it a trifle—indelicate?
LUCIA
I think you are talking nonsense.
HELIOGABALUS
[Reaching for the water-jug and pouring out another goblet] Maybe I am. [He takes a swallow, chokes and spits it out] But isn't that precisely what a man seeks in marriage—a sort of virtuous nonsense? You forget the way I make a living, my cold little rabbit. My days are filled with gloomy duties. If I didn't look solemn as an owl the people would lose confidence in me. Say I go to the circus. There are twenty Jews in the arena, and the guards let out the lions. One Jew tries to climb up another Jew. Imagine the fun!
LUCIA
How you talk!
HELIOGABALUS
[Rubbing his stomach, as if feeling a pain] Nevertheless, it is actual fun, genuine humour—and I naturally want to squat on my little rearo, throw back my ears and yell. But I am the Emperor, and so I must keep my dignity. Every one else whoops and bawls, but if I go further than a snicker then it begins to be talked of in the barber-shops, and people say that I am drinking too much. [He casts a self-pitying glance at the water-bottle] Even as it is, a good many of them think that I am somewhat—flightier—than I ought to be. For example, consider my interest in you—especially my interest in your faith—this so-called Christianity of yours. Well, to you it may be serious enough, but think how it must appear to the average respectable Roman. He regards it as simply pishposh—and he thinks of me much as he would think of me if he heard that I was interested in some sort of idiotic Egyptian sorcery.
LUCIA
[Primly] I see no possible connection.
HELIOGABALUS
Naturally not, little canary. You are not a Roman. Well, neither am I. I was born in Syria. I am hyphenated. But now to get to my point. First, my business all day is solemn; secondly, these little theological debates of ours in the evening are solemn. So you see what is the matter. I lack recreation. I lack—well, there is nothing to distract and mellow my mind.
LUCIA
[With a touch of sarcasm] Well, what do you suggest?
HELIOGABALUS
[Brightening] I suggest, first of all, little squash-pie, that you come over here and give your little papa a great big kiss.
LUCIA
[Still primly] You had better go to sleep.
HELIOGABALUS
What! At ten o'clock! That's another thing: this ten o'clock business. Really I—
LUCIA
It is time.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, it is time for a kiss. Plenty of time—time for a good, long, damp, sticky one. [Wheedling, half rising] Now, come on, Lucia! Be nice!
[She rolls one eye at him, but doesn't answer. He projects one leg out of bed]
HELIOGABALUS
Shall I? [She rolls the other eye indifferently] Do you dare me? I double-dare you to dare me!
[She remains silent]
HELIOGABALUS
[Now completely out of bed, and standing in the narrow space between the beds] Well, here goes etiquette! Strictly speaking, my gumdrop, you should come to me. Remember, I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus. But let it go. Do I get the kiss?
LUCIA
[With a stiff coquetry] A kiss—perhaps.
HELIOGABALUS
Only perhaps. And only a kiss?
LUCIA
[Slightly unbending] Well, then, maybe—
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then maybe what?
LUCIA
Maybe a kiss.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! Maybe a kiss! And here I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus, not to say a husband! [He climbs into the big bed and starts across toward LUCIA on hands and knees. She begins to roll away from him] Hey, there, little cocoanut, where are you going? [He falls flat] Halt! [He gets in motion again] Remember, sweet oyster: love, honour and obey!
[LUCIA eludes him, and he descends to various monkey-shines by way of wheedling her. He grabs a pillow and hurls it at her and she flings it back at him. Finally, to the tune of her screeches, he reaches her. He grabs her arm.
[At this instant there is a heavy knocking at the door. HELIOGABALUS leaps back, and listens on hands and knees, ears up, in the attitude of a cocker-spaniel]
HELIOGABALUS
Thirty thousand oh-hells!
LUCIA
[Covering her ears with pillows] Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
[He crawls out of the big bed very clumsily, and into his own bed again] Who is it? [An unintelligible voice is heard outside] Who? [Another blubber] What? [Another] Who? [Another]
LUCIA
It must be Rufinius.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, Rufinius! So it's Rufinius? And I told him I was—reading. [He slides out of bed into the space between the two beds and grasps the heavy water-bottle by the neck]
LUCIA
[In alarm] Don't hurt him!
HELIOGABALUS
Sh-h-h-h! [The knock is repeated] Sh-h-h-h! [He takes a firm grip on the bottle] Come in!
HELIOGABALUS
I bet it singed him, anyway.
[He climbs back into bed]
LUCIA
You might have killed him.
HELIOGABALUS
Might have killed him. I ought to have killed him. I'll attend to it in the morning.
LUCIA
He thinks I made you throw that bottle at him. [Pause] He doesn't like me.
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Nonsense. What makes you think so?
LUCIA
I just simply know it.
HELIOGABALUS
[Testily] Hang this intuition! How do you know it? What's the evidence?
LUCIA
[Somewhat reluctantly] Well, when I gave him a tract one day last week he wouldn't take it.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not?
LUCIA
He said he was a heathen, and proud of it. He said his father was a Gaulish prince and worshipped idols. I warned him of—hell-fire.
HELIOGABALUS
And what did he say to that?
LUCIA
He said—well, he said he had made up his mind to go to hell.
HELIOGABALUS
[Chuckling] Good for old Rufinius! For that I'll have to let him off. Remind me not to have him killed in the morning.
LUCIA
[Querulously] You seem to sympathize with him.
HELIOGABALUS
In a sense, yes. Things are not as they used to be—not as he likes them. Rufinius, you see, is getting old, and old fellows dislike changes.
LUCIA
Have I changed anything?
HELIOGABALUS
You surely have. The palace is not quite the—well, not quite what it used to be.
LUCIA
[Defiantly] The change is for the better, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Morally, yes. Spiritually, yes. But—er, socially, so to speak,—[a pause]—hardly. [He climbs wearily into bed] Almost I am persuaded—
LUCIA
[Sniffling] You are longing for those awful women. You want them back.
HELIOGABALUS
[Trying to convince himself of his own earnestness] No, no. Really not, I assure you. I feel like—like a man who has come out of a lion's cage into a—
LUCIA
Into a what?
HELIOGABALUS
[At a loss] Into a—er—into—
LUCIA
[Banally] Into Paradise?
HELIOGABALUS
[Quickly] Well, surely not into Solomon's Paradise! [Bitterly] Har, har!
LUCIA
Still, you miss them.
HELIOGABALUS
Of course I do. Wouldn't a man miss—well, whatever he has become accustomed to? Wouldn't he miss his underdrawers?
LUCIA
There you go again!
HELIOGABALUS
What have I done now? Mentioned underdrawers! Well, if a man isn't to mention his underdrawers to his wife, who is he to talk about them to? And if he doesn't talk about them in a bedroom, where is he to talk about them?
LUCIA
[Primly] Why talk about them at all?
HELIOGABALUS
Why? Simply because they have to be talked about. [With growing irascibility] Don't their buttons come off? Don't they get lost in the wash? Don't they shrink? Don't they split up the back? Don't they tickle?
LUCIA
Well, why didn't you let me know it?
HELIOGABALUS
Know what?
LUCIA
That their buttons were off, and—
HELIOGABALUS
But they are not off. I was merely arguing. I used an illustration. As we Christians say, I spoke in a parable.
LUCIA
I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why don't you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble used to be that I didn't get sleep enough. But now—! [He composes himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and whining] I've got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[Raising herself and gazing at him] Are you cold, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[Bitterly] Who'd care if I froze to death?... And why do you persist in always calling me Cæsar? It's so darned stiff and unbedroomy. My old wives used to call me pet names—like Helio and Gabby.
LUCIA
[After a pause, archly] Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[He sits up quickly, and stares at her] Say that again. Louder.
LUCIA
Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[With a sigh] You say it just as you might say, "Will you have another plate of fish-soup?"
LUCIA
But would you?
HELIOGABALUS
[Meditatively] Well, I dare say it might make me forget my stomach-ache—if it was a real kiss. [With elaborate manner] Am I to understand that you have an itch in that direction?
LUCIA
[Taken aback] Itch?
HELIOGABALUS
Pardon an old soldier, little moonstone. I should say an inclination, an impulse—a prompting.
LUCIA
[Getting out of bed] Now I'll show you, Cæsar, that I do love you, with a Christian love.
HELIOGABALUS
[Somewhat at a loss] Positively, darling, you alarm me.
[She has got to HELIOGABALUS' bed by now. She enters the space between the two beds, and he sits up and takes her by the waist]
LUCIA
There!
[She kisses him—but very formally and briefly]
HELIOGABALUS
Ah!
LUCIA
Now, Cæsar, you know I love you.
HELIOGABALUS
No; so far I merely suspect it. What is needed is corroboration. Now for another, sweet icebox—and let it be a bit more easy and dreamy. Let yourself go a bit. Don't hold your breath. Don't—forgive me, little one—be so gol-darned Christian.
[A long one, during which, his arms about her, LUCIA tries to fight away from him. As they fall apart LUCIA grasps the bed for support]
LUCIA
[Her hands to her face] Oh!
HELIOGABALUS
You may well say "Oh!" Many a woman lives and dies without ever getting such a kiss.
LUCIA
[Startled] It took my breath.
HELIOGABALUS
[Not without pride] I dare say. [Hospitably] But aren't you chilly out there? Why not come in?
LUCIA
[Suddenly covering her face with her hands] Oh, those other women! Those awful women!
HELIOGABALUS
[Patting her shoulder] Forget them! I expunge them from the minutes! I'll get rid of them—all of them!
[At this, PAULA, who has been concealed under HELIOGABALUS' bed, suddenly pops out her head. HELIOGABALUS and LUCIA, of course, cannot see her. Her face mirrors the utmost indignation and she strains her head to hear better]
LUCIA
All of them? Even that fat old Paula?
HELIOGABALUS
Purge your mind of all concern, darling. I'll have Paula poisoned in the morning. She has lived too long.
LUCIA
[Horrified] Oh, never! I won't have her poisoned.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, I'll marry her off to old Caius Macrinus—and ship them both to Persia.
LUCIA
But the others?
HELIOGABALUS
I'll marry off the whole crowd to Caius. The old souse deserves it.
LUCIA
[Insinuatingly] Even that pretty one—that Dacia?
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, either marry her off [weakening] or send her home to her mama. But enough of this. You'll catch your death of cold.
LUCIA
[Without warmth, as if speaking to her father] Is there room?
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, surely. [He moves over and she climbs in] Let me help you. [He gives her a hand and she crawls under the covers. He then puts his arm around her, and they sit up together] After all, confess that this is better than the farm over there. Now isn't it? When I crawl in there I feel like a lost orphan. Do you remember how I mislaid you the other night? I thought you had fallen out of bed, but there you were all the while, eighteen feet away. And now—
[Another kiss]
LUCIA
Cæsar, you are so—
HELIOGABALUS
[Puffing out his chest] I thought you'd like it. But it really takes me some time to get into form. Now tell me the truth: this is really nicer than praying, isn't it?
LUCIA
[Tremulously] I'm afraid it is—sometimes.
HELIOGABALUS
Afraid it is? What are you afraid of?
LUCIA
[Relapsing into the Christian] We are taught that—
HELIOGABALUS
Now there you go with that Christianity again! You are taught, are you? Well, I'll teach you something easier to learn. I am the old professor! Now to proceed with the lesson—
[Another kiss. Toward its end there is a knock at the door. HELIOGABALUS draws back and glances over his shoulder, but quickly resumes the buss. Another knock]
HELIOGABALUS
[In a sudden rage] Say, what do they think this is? A farce? If it's that old interrupting wheeze Rufinius again, off go both his legs! And both ears! And maybe a bud or two of nose!
[LUCIA in terror leaps from the bed and into her own bed. Another knock at the door]
LUCIA
You had better let him in. If it wasn't important, he surely wouldn't risk his life.
HELIOGABALUS
[Obviously impressed by the notion] Maybe you are right. But let me take at least one more shot at him as he comes in. I won't kill him. All I want to do is to cripple him. [Gets out of bed, but before he can find a missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent, and he gives it up] Come in!
[The door opens ever so little. RUFINIUS thrusts his hand through the crack. When nothing strikes it, he follows with his head, very warily. As he comes in PAULA draws in her head]
RUFINIUS
Your Majesty's pardon! I ask pardon!
HELIOGABALUS
[Severely] Well, alarm clock?
RUFINIUS
A very important matter. [He glances about him, his eyes alighting on LUCIA] For your Majesty's private ear. Perhaps it would be better—
HELIOGABALUS
Let's hear it.
RUFINIUS
[He comes closer] I really think—
HELIOGABALUS
[Testily] Go on with your story, kill-joy.
[RUFINIUS drops his voice so that his words are not audible. The purport of the dialogue must be revealed by HELIOGABALUS' answers and exclamations. While it is elaborately going on, with the backs of both turned to the bed, PAULA pokes out her head and listens intently. LUCIA, sitting up in bed, also tries hard to hear, but it is improbable that she catches more than an occasional word]
HELIOGABALUS
[Aloud] Make it short. I'm very busy. [RUFINIUS whispers, and HELIOGABALUS suddenly grows interested and somewhat alarmed] What do they want?... I thought they were all sound asleep over in the North Wing.... She isn't? What! A riot—and Paula not in it? Then where is she?... Go find her. I know she's behind it.... And get the rest to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed.... Tell them I absolutely order it.
[A noise outside, and a woman's scream]
LUCIA
[From the bed, in alarm] What was that?
HELIOGABALUS
[Over his shoulder, reassuringly] Nothing, my dear. Stay in bed like a nice girl.
LUCIA
[Half out] You are having some one killed!
HELIOGABALUS
Bosh! Stay in bed! [To RUFINIUS] Get them back in the North Wing, and post a guard at—
[He is cut short by a terrific uproar outside. Women screaming. The sound of a bugle. The clank of swords. Loud and prolonged military orders. A man's voice: "Let go!" A woman's: "Stick him in the eye!"
[HELIOGABALUS and RUFINIUS turn toward the closed door and gape at it dumbfounded, apparently disinclined to open it and face the music. As they move toward it irresolutely, PAULA rolls from under the bed, leaps to her feet, dashes between them, blows a loud whistle, gets to the door, and throws it open]
PAULA
Come in, girls! I am with you!
[At this, LUCIA, still in bed, screams shrilly, and HELIOGABALUS and RUFINIUS fall back. As the door swings open CÆLESTIS bounds in with a Praetorian guard dragging behind her. At sight of the imperial bed-chamber, he is so far overcome that he lets go and rushes out again. In the doorway, he collides with AQUILIA SEVERA, ANNIA FAUSTINA and ALINIA, all in a great state of excitement. They knock him over, and leap into the room, glaring about them truculently]
PAULA
[Levelling a melodramatic forefinger at HELIOGABALUS] There he is! He was plotting to poison all of us!
[Obviously, PAULA strikes HELIOGABALUS with a good deal of terror. He backs away from her, and keeps a safe distance while she declaims. She takes the centre of the stage at once, the other wives grouped behind her. After her accusation there is a moment of electric silence. She fixes HELIOGABALUS with a glare]
HELIOGABALUS
[Weakly] Oh, surely you exaggerate. I—
PAULA
Me first, and then the rest of you. I heard it with my own ears. And I heard a lot besides. Such talk! I lay there under the bed blushing.
LUCIA
[Sitting up in bed] You ought to blush, you—you—you—
[She is overcome by indignation]
PAULA
Out of my bed, you—you—you!
LUCIA
You—you—you—!
PAULA
No more of this Christian monkey-business! Into the street you go, where you came from!
LUCIA
Do you dare—!
PAULA
Yes, the street. I saw you myself. I saw you haranguing those loafers, and singing songs, and passing a soup-plate for coppers.
LUCIA
[Leaping from bed] I refuse to allow you to say that. I was preaching the Word. I was seeking souls.
PAULA
[Moving toward her truculently] Um-hum! I know what you were seeking. You had one eye on the Palace all the while.
LUCIA
[In high indignation] There is not a word of truth in it. It is infamous.
PAULA
Bah!
THE OTHER WIVES
Bah! Bah!
LUCIA
I was on my Master's business.
PAULA
And I am here on my own business. I'll give you two minutes to get out of this room—and stay out.
[HELIOGABALUS, observing that both sides have forgotten him, gives a sardonic wink and tiptoes upstage toward his bed. He carefully and quietly crawls in, fixes the pillow behind him, and settles down to observe the row. RUFINIUS sneaks toward the door]
LUCIA
Never in the world! This is my room now. It has been sanctified!
PAULA
Sanctified nothing. It's my room—our room. You never were legally married to the Emperor. You are nothing but a—
LUCIA
Oh, what a lie! I was married by my own pastor.
PAULA
Yes, by one of your Christian street-preachers. I've seen him! He looks like a drum-major. But this is Rome, and—
LUCIA
[Explosively] Well, when it comes to that, what of yourself? Where did you come from? Doesn't everybody know that you were a chamber-maid in Alexandria?
PAULA
[Sputtering] I was nothing of the sort, you—! My father was a general in the army.
ANNIA
My father was Governor of Macedonia.
LUCIA
[Leaping at the chance] Oh, was he? And who was your first husband?
[The boaster is abashed]
LUCIA
I'll tell you. His name was Pomponius Bassus—and he was hanged.
[The boaster begins to snivel, and PAULA comes to the rescue]
PAULA
[Grandly] And he deserved it. The way he treated that poor, dear—
LUCIA
Yes, and he was hanged six weeks after that hussy came here and tempted poor Cæsar.
[HELIOGABALUS turns over in the bed]
PAULA
A thumping lie! I remember every detail of it. It wasn't six weeks at all.... And now you throw on your clothes and get out of here! Out with you!
LUCIA
I shall do absolutely nothing of the sort.
PAULA
This free love stuff has got to stop. And it's my place to see that it—
LUCIA
It's your place to turn all these heathen women out of the palace, and then turn yourself out, and so save the Emperor from such sinful—
PAULA
You're a common man-teaser.
LUCIA
You are an old scare-crow!
PAULA
I'll have you thrown out of the door!
LUCIA
I'll have you thrown out of the window!
PAULA
You are a loose woman!
LUCIA
You used to be a loose woman!
[The shot injures poor old PAULA so badly that she jumps at LUCIA and grabs her by the arm, shaking her furiously]
PAULA
I dare you to say such a thing!
LUCIA
Let me go, you—you—infidel! I'll—
[She wrests herself free and deals PAULA a clout over the head. PAULA lunges at her with vast ferocity, but she quickly delivers another blow. A huge uproar. HELIOGABALUS stretches his neck to see it. RUFINIUS several times steps forward as if to interfere, but always thinks better of it. PAULA has the advantage of weight, but LUCIA is by far the more agile. Various shrill exclamations "Oh, you will, will you? Take that! Ouch! Oh, my ear! Whoop!" etc. To the extreme right, beyond the large bed, is the fleet of coat-racks, each enormously laden with feminine finery. PAULA backs LUCIA into them, but straightway comes to grief herself, for LUCIA upsets the nearest upon her, and, when she falls, heaves another after it. PAULA, completely buried in clothes, yells for help, and the three other wives, who have so far done no more than encourage her with shouts, now come to the attack. LUCIA, leaping behind another rack, pushes it at them, and it halts them. Then, seeing herself outdone by numbers, she calls for help herself]
LUCIA
Oh, oh! Help! Help, Cæsar! Save me!
HELIOGABALUS
[Crawling from the bed quietly and idiotically] Did I hear you call? What's the trouble? Have you dropped something?
LUCIA
[At the top of her lungs] These filthy creatures are trying to kill me!
PAULA
[Under the pile of clothes] She bit me!
[The other wives unearth PAULA and stand her on her feet. It is seen that she has a black eye. LUCIA retreats to the door at the left and stands there at bay. The other wives haul PAULA toward the centre of the stage. HELIOGABALUS crosses to a place between LUCIA and the others]
LUCIA
[Hysterically] That old washtub tried to stab me.
PAULA
[Breaking from the others, her hand on her black eye] It's a dirty lie! She kicked me in the—
LUCIA
She called me awful names!
CÆLESTIS
I saw her draw a dagger!
HELIOGABALUS
Stop! Be quiet! What sort of bar-room row is this? Do you know where you are?
PAULA
I am in my own room. This room is mine.
AQUILIA
And ours.
PAULA
Yes, and theirs.
LUCIA
[Furiously] It's mine!
HELIOGABALUS
[Decisively] It's mine. [Coolly, with judicial poise] And it wouldn't be going too far, ladies, to say that I am scandalized by such proceedings. I really am. In all my experience, embracing many long years and the whole Roman empire, from Britain in the far North to Persia in the extreme—
PAULA
[Bursting into tears] You bring in a woman off the streets—
LUCIA
[In tears, too] You let an old unbelieving harridan, a disreputable old—
HELIOGABALUS
As I was saying, ladies, in all my—
PAULA
I demand that that creature be put out!
LUCIA
I demand my rights as your wife!
HELIOGABALUS
Really, my dear, you must excuse me. On this point the principles of jurisprudence are quite clear. A judge is plainly forbidden to sit in a case in which he has an interest. If he has an interest in one side it is enough. If he has an interest in both sides, then surely—
LUCIA
Both sides?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly.
LUCIA
Do you mean to say that you are interested in the side of this—this fat old—this—?
HELIOGABALUS
Rid your mind of prejudice, my dear. Observe the thing calmly and judicially. Granting all you say—though I am by no means granting it—the fact remains nevertheless that according to Roman—if not Christian—law, I am married to this lady—these ladies—and that that marriage—those marriages—is and are still legally binding. With the fact go certain obligations. I may deplore, as much as you do, their somewhat unwise and emotional appear—
LUCIA
Oh, what a—!
HELIOGABALUS
All I ask is that you try to—
LUCIA
Then you don't love me.
ANNIA
The idea!
HELIOGABALUS
I protest, my dear, that—
LUCIA
[Bursting into tears] Then you don't love me! Then you told me a falsehood! You aren't a Christian! I—I—I—
[Quite undone by her feelings, she suddenly hides her face in her hands, darts to the left-hand door, swings it open, runs out, and slams it after her]
HELIOGABALUS
[Starting toward the door after her] My dear girl, I—
PAULA
[Resolutely] Let her go!
HELIOGABALUS
But she'll catch cold out there. Remember, she has on a very light—
CÆLESTIS
Very light nothing. It's flannel. Anyway, she deserves to catch cold.
HELIOGABALUS
Really, Cælestis, you are quite savage.
PAULA
Who wouldn't be, the way we have been treated? [Conciliatingly] But I say nothing against you. I know how you are when such a minx gets after you.
HELIOGABALUS
Let us not discuss it.
PAULA
[Bitterly] No; what's the use? I have had eighteen years of it—first in the East and now here in Rome. I know you can't help it, poor old dear. One glance at such a doll and you are gone. [To the other wives] And now let us try to forget it. It's getting late.
[Instantly they begin to take off their outer garments and let down their hair]
HELIOGABALUS
[In alarm] What are you doing?
PAULA
[Grimly] Getting ready to go to bed. We are sleepy.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear—look, there is Rufinius still in the room!
[The wives glance at RUFINIUS, scream and try to hide themselves. RUFINIUS, much embarrassed, ducks out of the door]
PAULA
[With a bitter grin] Well, now he's gone.
[She continues disrobing]
HELIOGABALUS
But, but—this is really quite irregular. Let us wait until we are all a bit less excited, as it were. Now be a good girl. [Wheedlingly] Go back to bed in the North Wing, and let me collect my thoughts a bit.
PAULA
Here I am, and here I stay.
[She throws her girdle over one of the coat-racks]
HELIOGABALUS
But in a minute Lucia'll be coming back, and then—
[He frantically begins dressing and racing against the undressers]
PAULA
If she comes back, I'll bite her again.
[She kicks off her sandals]
AQUILIA
[Emerging in nothing save a short shift] Do you think we would sleep in a bed with such a creature?
HELIOGABALUS
[Drawing his tunic over his head in wild alarm] But the poor girl must sleep somewhere.
PAULA
Let her sleep out in the corridor.
[She drops her outer dress and stands forth in a grotesque chemise, decorated with little blue ribbons. The sight so far appals HELIOGABALUS that disgust is converted into indignation and indignation into resolution]
HELIOGABALUS
Very well, then. If she must sleep out there, then I sleep out there too!
[He is now pretty fully dressed and struggles into his sandals]
PAULA
[Somewhat shaken] You're not going to leave us?
HELIOGABALUS
[Adjusting his tunic] I am going to leave us!
PAULA
Leave us here all alone?
HELIOGABALUS
Aren't there four of you?
PAULA
But with not a man in the room?
ANNIA
[Whimpering] Suppose burglars should break in?
HELIOGABALUS
[Sarcastically] Paula can deal with them.
PAULA
[In tears] No, I can't!
HELIOGABALUS
Then let Rufinius come in. He can have my bed.
PAULA
[With a yell] The idea! Do you accuse me of—
HELIOGABALUS
[At the door to the extreme left] I accuse you of nothing. [Opening the door] And now—
[As he throws the door open, LUCIA is revealed. She has been eavesdropping and is much distraught]
LUCIA
[In a faint voice] I am cold.
HELIOGABALUS
[Uncertainly] I was just coming out to—
LUCIA
PAULA
[Leaping back] Oh, my God!
HELIOGABALUS
[Solemnly] You have killed her. She has frozen to death.
PAULA
[Alarmed] I did nothing of the sort. She went out of her own free will.
AQUILIA
[Jumping from bed] Get her into bed, quick!
HELIOGABALUS
[Reaching down and grabbing her under the arms] Get her into my bed.
[The other wives pile out, and help PAULA and HELIOGABALUS to carry her to his bed]
PAULA
[Snivelling] I wouldn't have hurt her for the world.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell Rufinius to get those two doctors I pardoned.
[PAULA, still in her chemise, rushes to the door, flings it open and exits]
CÆLESTIS
Rub her wrists.
ANNIA
Have you a key? Try a key at the back of her neck.
HELIOGABALUS
Cover her up!
AQUILIA
Try massaging her ears.
HELIOGABALUS
Go get some water.
[AQUILIA rushes to the door, flinging it open just in time to admit PISO and POLORUS. They come in at a gallop, followed by RUFINIUS, PAULA and a slave pushing a wheeled table covered with huge bottles, rolls of plasters, etc. The scene must move at lightning speed]
PISO
[Idiotically, in great excitement] Which is the patient? [He looks from one wife to another, and then observes LUCIA on the bed] Ah!
POLORUS
[Crowding to the front] Pass me the brandy.
PISO
Brandy? On what theory?
POLORUS
This is no time for theories, idiot! The patient needs help.
PISO
Well, how are you going to help her until you establish the diagnosis?
POLORUS
What could be plainer? A horse-doctor could see that she has fainted.
[He proceeds to pour out a large drink of the brandy]
PISO
[Very learnedly] Suppose it is coma? Suppose she has been poisoned?
[PAULA gives a shriek]
POLORUS
Nonsense! Then where is your cyanosis?
[He proceeds to lift LUCIA'S head and pour some of the brandy into her mouth]
PISO
Stop! I forbid it!
[During this rapid dialogue the three other wives flutter about, and HELIOGABALUS and PAULA crowd close to the bed]
POLORUS
[Continuing with the brandy] I stand on my Hippocratic oath. I insist on the brandy.
PISO
I appeal to your decency. Don't kill the patient. [PAULA screams again] Let me feel her pulse.
POLORUS
Stand back! You are suffocating her!
HELIOGABALUS
[Losing patience] Here, fools! Give me the goblet.
[He seizes it and pours half of its contents down LUCIA'S throat. She gasps, coughs, gags and then gradually sits up. As she opens her eyes she sights PAULA]
LUCIA
[An exclamation of terror] Oh! Oh! Take her away!
[PAULA hops back in great confusion]
PAULA
[Ingratiatingly] Don't be afraid, dearie.
LUCIA
[Screams] She tried to stab me!
PAULA
[In great excitement] The idea! I never did anything—
LUCIA
I can see the devil standing behind her!
[PAULA swings about quickly to look behind her, loses her balance, throws up her arms, and falls down with a crash]
PAULA
Help!
POLORUS
[Rushing to the rescue] Brandy! Brandy!
[A great hub-bub. The wives crowd around]
PISO
[Shrilly, over the tumult] I forbid it!
HELIOGABALUS
Give her air!
[POLORUS applies the brandy jug to PAULA'S lips and she begins to gurgle, gag and blubber]
PAULA
[Still gasping, and rising to a sitting position on the floor] That Christian tried to put a spell on me. She has the evil eye.
LUCIA
[Shrilly, from the bed] There are devils in her! She is like the Gadarene swine.
PAULA
[Struggling to her feet, assisted by the doctors, the other wives and HELIOGABALUS] Liar!
LUCIA
She is possessed by demons, Cæsar.
PAULA
[Again in great fright] Let me out of here! I feel something coming over me!
AQUILIA
I feel it, too. I—I—
[She flops across the big bed. POLORUS leaps to the rescue with the brandy-jug, but as he reaches her she sits up and knocks it out of his hand]
PISO
[Prancing about] Where is the ammonia? Who has the ammonia bottle?
[He searches for it on the wheeled table, but can't find it]
PAULA
Let me out! Let me out!
POLORUS
Ammonia your grandmother! Where are the sedatives? Who took the poppy-water? Where is the poppy-water?
[He makes a wild search for it]