How to Behave and How to Amuse: A Handy Manual of Etiquette and Parlor Games

For a party or reception given in honor of another, the invitations should be engraved with a blank space left for the name of the invited guest; or, the form may be filled out, and the name of the guest appear on the envelope only. It may read:

or, the wording may be “request the pleasure of your company,” etc. The same form of invitation can be adapted to almost any reception, party or other social entertainment, with such variations as suit the circumstances. If a series of receptions are to be given, the lower line on the left of the card may be simply:

Dancing.

There is no phase of social life that contains so much of hidden peril as that which relates to dancing. Of itself, there is nothing sinful in dancing; but its associations and temptations, and the tendencies of modern dancing to frivolity, unhealthful dissipation and immorality are so obvious as to need no enumeration here. It is a positive detriment to the spiritual growth of young men and women, and is prolific of promiscuous acquaintanceships that cannot be claimed to be safe or desirable for any young person having a serious object in life. The ball-room has to many thousands proved the first step to perdition.

Of dancing, the Rev. Dr. Talmage has said:

“It is the graceful motion of the body adjusted by art to the sound and measures of musical instrument or of the human voice. All nations have danced. The ancients thought that Castor and Pollux taught the art to the Lacedæmonians. But whoever started it, all climes have adopted it. In ancient times they had the festal dance, the military dance, the mediatorial dance, the bacchanalian dance, and queens and lords swayed to and fro in the gardens, and the rough backwoodsman with this exercise awakened the echo of the forest. There is something in the sound of lively music to evoke the movement of the hand and foot, whether cultured or uncultured. Passing down the street we unconsciously keep step to the sound of the brass band, while the Christian in church with his foot beats time while his soul rises upon some great harmony. While this is so in civilized lands, the red men of the forest have their scalp dances, their green-corn dances, their war dances.

“The exercise was so utterly and completely depraved in ancient times that the church anathematized it. The old Christian fathers expressed themselves most vehemently against it. St. Chrysostom says: ‘The feet were not given for dancing but to walk modestly, not to leap impudently like camels.’ One of the dogmas of the ancient church reads: ‘A dance is the devil’s possession, and he that entereth into a dance entereth into his possession. As many paces as a man makes in dancing, so many paces does he make to hell.’ Elsewhere the old dogmas declared this: ‘The woman that singeth in the dance is the princess of the devil, and those that answer are her clerks, and the beholders are his friends, and the music is his bellows, and the fiddlers are the ministers of the devil. For as when hogs are strayed, if the hogsherd call one all assemble together, so when the devil calleth one woman to sing in the dance, or to play on some musical instrument, presently all the dancers gather together.’ This indiscriminate and universal denunciation of the exercise came from the fact that it was utterly and completely depraved.

“How many people in America have stepped from the ball-room into the graveyard! Consumptions and swift neuralgias are close on their track. Amid many of the glittering scenes of social life in America diseases stand right and left and balance and chain. The breath of the sepulchre floats up through the perfume, and the froth of Death’s lip bubbles up in the champagne.

“It is the anniversary of Herod’s birthday. The palace is lighted. The highways leading thereto are all ablaze with the pomp of invited guests. Lords, captains, merchant princes, the mighty men of the land, are coming to mingle in the festivities. The table is spread with all the luxuries that royal purveyors can gather. The guests, white-robed and anointed and perfumed, come in and sit at the table. Music! The jests evoke roars of laughter. Riddles are propounded. Repartee is indulged. Toasts are drank. The brain is befogged. The wit rolls on into uproar and blasphemy. They are not satisfied yet. Turn on more light. Pour out more wine. Music! Sound all the trumpets. Clear the floor for a dance. Bring in Salome, the beautiful and accomplished princess. The door opens, and in bounds the dancer. The lords are enchanted. Stand back and make room for the brilliant gyrations. These men never saw such ‘poetry of motion.’ Their souls whirl in the reel and bound with the bounding feet. Herod forgets crown and throne and everything but the fascinations of Salome. All the magnificence of his realm is as nothing now compared with the splendor that whirls on tiptoe before him. His body sways from side to side, corresponding with the motions of the enchantress. His soul is thrilled with the pulsations of the feet and bewitched with the taking postures and attitudes more and more amazing. After awhile he sits in enchanted silence looking at the flashing, leaping, bounding beauty, and as the dance closes and the tinkling cymbals cease to clap and the thunders of applause that shook the palace begin to abate, the enchanted monarch swears to the princely performer: ‘Whatsoever thou shalt ask of me I will give it thee, to the half of my kingdom.’ At the instigation of her mother, Salome takes advantage of the extravagant promise of the king and says, ‘Bring me the head of John the Baptist on a dinner plate.’ Hark to the sound of feet outside the door and the clatter of swords. The executioners are returning from their awful errand. Open the door. They enter, and they present the platter to Salome. What is on this platter? A new glass of wine to continue the uproarious merriment? No. Something redder and costlier—the ghastly, bleeding head of John the Baptist, the death glare still in the eye, the locks dabbled with the gore, the features still distressed with the last agony. This woman, who had whirled so gracefully in the dance, bends over the awful burden without a shudder.

“In my parish of Philadelphia there was a young woman brilliant as a spring morning. She gave her life to the world. She would come to religious meetings and under conviction would for a little while begin to pray, and then would rush off again into the discipleship of the world. She had all the world could offer of brilliant social position. One day a flushed and excited messenger asked me to hasten to her house for she was dying. I entered the room. There were the physicians, there was the mother, there lay this disciple of the world. I asked her some questions in regard to the soul. She made no answer. I knelt down to pray. I rose again, and desiring to get some expression in regard to her eternal interests, I said: ‘Have you any hope?’ and then for the first her lips moved in a whisper as she said: ‘No hope!’ Then she died. The world, she served it, and the world helped her not in the last.

“With many life is a masquerade ball, and as at such entertainments gentlemen and ladies put on the garb of kings and queens or mountebanks or clowns and at the close put off the disguise, so a great many pass their whole life in a mask, taking off the mask at death. While the masquerade ball of life goes on, they trip merrily over the floor, gemmed hand is stretched to gemmed hand, gleaming brow bends to gleaming brow. On with the dance! Flush and rustle and laughter of immeasurable merry-making. But after awhile the languor of death comes on the limbs and blurs the eye-sight. Lights lower. Floor hollow with sepulchral echo. Music saddened into a wail. Lights lower. Now the maskers are only seen in the dim light. Now the fragrance of the flowers is like the sickening odor that comes from garlands that have lain long in the vaults of cemeteries. Lights lower. Mists gather in the room. Glasses shake as though quaked by sullen thunder. Sigh caught in the curtain. Scarf drops from the shoulder of beauty a shroud. Lights lower. Over the slippery boards in dance of death glide jealousies, envies, revenges, lust, despair, and death. Stench of lamp-wicks almost extinguished. Torn garlands will not half cover the ulcerated feet. Choking damps. Chilliness. Feet still. Hands closed. Voices hushed. Eyes shut. Lights out.”

The dance must be classed with the wine-cup as the insidious enemy of a pure, upright, wholesome society. Pleasant and fascinating at first, it lures its victims to sacrifice after sacrifice until the end is reached. No man or woman was ever benefited morally, intellectually or physically by the dance; thousands and tens of thousands have found it their bane, and date their ruin from the first step they danced to the music across the floor of a lighted ball-room.

Wedding Etiquette.

Invitations.

Socially considered, marriage is the most important and imposing of all functions. It gives opportunity for the greatest display, the most elegant toilets, and the most lavish and superb manner of entertainment. Yet singularly enough, the etiquette of weddings is probably more variable and subject to innovation than that of any other event in the social calendar. At no two grand weddings is the etiquette precisely the same.

Wedding invitations according to present custom are consigned to the post from two to three weeks preceding the date of the event. Those sent to friends and relatives abroad are sent quite three weeks earlier. A representative invitation is given below:

This is engraved in round-hand script, without flourish and with little shading, and a tendency toward the medium and the small in size. The lines are rather close together, allowing considerable margin at top and bottom of the note. The paper most preferred has a white dull kid and parchment finish, in size between octavo and billet. When folded it fits an envelope that is almost square and which offers a choice of either a pointed or square flap. In town the pointed flap is considered the proper thing while the country favors the square one. The envelope inclosing the note is without gum and of the same weight as the inclosure, while the outer one, intended as a carrier only, is of lighter quality and gummed for sealing.

Wedding invitations require no answer. But people living at a distance, who cannot attend the wedding, should send their cards by mail, to assure the hosts that the invitation has been received.

The usual form of invitation for a wedding reception is as follows:

This is enclosed, with the cards of the young bride and of her intended husband, to the favored ones only.

People with a large acquaintance cannot always invite all their friends to a wedding reception, and therefore invite all to the church. Sometimes people who are to give a small wedding at home request an answer to the wedding invitation; in that case, of course, an answer should be sent, and people should be very careful not to ignore these flattering invitations. Any carelessness is inexcusable when so important an event is in view. Bridesmaids, if prevented by illness or sudden bereavement from officiating, should notify the bride as soon as possible, as it is a difficult thing after a bridal program is arranged to reorganize it.

Church Weddings.

We have gradually adopted feature by feature of the English style of wedding in America until to-day the general order followed in both countries may be said, in all essential particulars, to be identical. The bridegroom is dressed in a frock-coat and light trousers of any good pattern; in other words, he wears a formal morning dress, drives to the church with his best man, and awaits the arrival of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves or not as he chooses. The best man is the intimate friend, sometimes the brother, of the groom. He accompanies him to the church, follows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a little behind him, and holds his hat during the marriage-service. After that is ended he pays the minister’s fee, accompanies the bridal party home, being in a coupé by himself, and assists the ushers to introduce friends to the newly wedded pair.

The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents he pleases to the bride, and to send some gift, such as a fan, locket, ring or bouquet, to the bridesmaids; he also buys the wedding-ring, and, of course, sends a bouquet to the bride; but he is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding breakfast; that is done by the bride’s family. In England the groom is expected to drive the bride away in his own carriage, but in America this custom is not often followed. The bride, beautifully dressed usually in white satin, with point lace veil and orange blossoms, is driven to the church in a carriage with her father, who gives her away. Her mother and other relatives precede her and take front seats; her bridesmaids should also precede her, and await her in the chancel. The ushers then form the procession with which almost all city weddings are begun. The ushers first, two and two; then the bridesmaids, two and two; then some pretty children—bridesmaids under ten; and then the bride, leaning on her father’s right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede the others. As the procession reaches the lowest altar step the ushers break ranks and go to the right and left and the bridesmaids also go to right and left, leaving a space for the bridal pair. As the bride reaches the lowest step the bridegroom advances, takes her by the right hand, and conducts her to the altar, where both kneel. The clergyman signifies to them when to rise, and then proceeds with the ceremony. The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm, and are conducted to the carriage and driven home, the rest following. In some cases, a bridal register is signed in the vestry.

Formerly brides removed the whole of the left glove; now they neatly cut the finger out of the glove, so that they can remove that without pulling off the whole glove for the ring.

In a marriage at home, the bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. The clergyman enters and faces the company, the bridal pair follow and face him. After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the wedded pair receive congratulations.

Wedding Breakfasts.

The English fashion of a wedding breakfast is not common here yet, but it is well to describe the proper etiquette. The gentlemen and ladies invited should be notified a fortnight in advance, and should accept or decline immediately, as it has all the formality of a dinner. On arriving at the house the gentlemen leave their hats in the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. After greeting the bride and groom and the father and mother, the company talk together until breakfast is announced. Then the bride and groom go first, followed by bride’s father with groom’s mother, then groom’s father with bride’s mother, then best man with first bridesmaid, then bridesmaids with attendant gentlemen, and then the other invited guests, as the bride’s mother arranges. Coffee and tea are not usually offered, but bouillon, salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices, jellies, etc., are served at this breakfast, and finally the wedding-cake is set before the bride, who cuts a slice.

“Stand-up” breakfasts are far more commonly served, as the French say, en buffet. More guests can come and it is far less trouble to serve a collation to a number of people standing about than to furnish what is really a dinner to a number sitting down.

Home Weddings and Private Weddings.

If the marriage is to be solemnized at home, the date follows the names in succession, and the place of residence is given last. The invitation may vary, “the wedding reception of their daughter,” etc. Or, accompanying the church wedding invitation may be a square card bearing the lines: “Reception from half-past seven until nine o’clock,” with place of residence on the line below.

If the ceremony is private, the immediate family and chosen friends are invited verbally. It is then optional whether or not a formal announcement shall be made to a wider circle of friends by sending out engraved cards the day after the ceremony. These are, like the invitations, printed on note sheets. The private wedding and after announcement is often the most suitable method when a bride is comparatively alone in the world, or has no near relatives. In such a case the announcement is worded: “Mr. Walter Edward Brown and Miss Anna Childers Wilson married; Wednesday, October twentieth, 619 Grace St.” If no other place is given this is understood to be the place where to address cards of congratulation. If the young couple are to receive later, in a new home, that address, with date of the “at home,” is also given, thus, “At home, after November fifteenth, 6417 Ocean Ave.” If the change of residence is to another town, the name of the town is also given.

Wedding Gifts and Other Gifts.

There are probably few matters that are the occasion of more troublesome study and vexation of spirit than the selection of wedding presents. They should in all cases be chosen with due reference to the circumstances of the bride. For the daughter of wealthy parents, who marries a man of large means, rare and costly articles are suitable wedding gifts. For a bride who is going to housekeeping on a moderate income, articles that are useful as well as beautiful are appropriate. A handsome chair, a china cabinet, or some china to put in it, a few standard books, fine table linen, or one of the many other things within the range of house-furnishing are acceptable.

Presents devised and made by the ingenuity and labor of the giver—hand-painted screens or china, embroidered work, or a painting or etching—are specially complimentary gifts.

A man should not make valuable presents to a lady outside of his own family, unless she is very much his senior, and a friend of long standing. A lady should not accept valuable gifts from a gentleman unless his relationship to her warrants it. Trifling tokens of friendship or gallantry—a book, a bouquet, or a basket of bonbons—are not amiss; but a lady should not be under obligation to a man for presents that plainly represent a considerable money value. When a gift is accepted, the recipient should not make too obvious haste to return the compliment, lest he or she seem unwilling to rest under obligation.

To refuse all trifling favors is regarded as rudeness. It is often the greatest wisdom as well as kindness, to allow some one to do us a favor.

When some well-meaning person innocently offers a gift that strict conventionality would forbid one to accept, it is sometimes better to suspend the rules and accept the token, than to hurt the feelings by refusal.

Gifts of flowers to the convalescent are among the graceful expressions of courteous interest. Even a total stranger may send these, without offending.

Wedding gifts may be sent at any time within two months before the wedding. All who send gifts should be asked to the wedding and reception.

Wedding Anniversaries.

It is becoming more and more the custom, both in town and country, to celebrate wedding anniversaries. These occasions, however, with a few exceptions, are usually confined to the exchange of gifts and expression of good-will by members of the immediate family. But when a number of years have passed, a married pair, whose wedded lives have been harmonious, begin to look forward to the approach of an anniversary which can be celebrated by a much wider circle. The marriage anniversary which falls after five years is sometimes called “a wooden wedding;” after ten years, “tin;” after twenty, “crystal;” at twenty-five, “silver;” at fifty, a “golden anniversary;” and at seventy-five the “diamond wedding” occurs.

So general has been the custom, in the past, of making these anniversaries occasions for the making of gifts of all descriptions that self-respecting families have at last drawn the line at this practice and engraved upon their anniversary invitation cards: “No gifts received.” Still some old friends will take the liberty sometimes of disregarding the engraved injunction, just as such valued individuals indulge themselves in familiarities with the rules that usually govern one’s private social affairs. But if remoter relatives or mere society acquaintances send a gift other than flowers or a book, after being requested to restrict their generosity, they need not be surprised if the act be considered an impertinence, and resented accordingly.

The prevailing style of cards of invitation to an anniversary party or reception is the same as to any ordinary entertainment. A wedding-bell, or a horse-shoe of white flowers, with the date of the marriage wrought into it with colored blossoms, or a bride’s loaf dated in sugar and placed upon a separate table, informs the guests of the reason for rejoicing. Here is the correct form of invitation card for such occasions:

It is customary for the host and hostess to secure as many guests as possible from among those who were present at their wedding. The clergyman who performed the ceremony is bidden, and, if possible, the wedding-garments are again worn.

Other interesting formalities are added, making the occasion impressive, without being oppressive. Near kinspeople offer congratulations first, when other guests follow after the manner of a wedding reception. When a formal supper is provided, the host and hostess lead together upon this peculiar occasion, and the guests follow in convenient order, as at an ordinary party. The supper may be in buffet style, if preferred.

Notes About Weddings.

When a honeymoon follows, the old customs are still maintained. The father, mother and intimate friends kiss the bride, and, as the happy pair drive off, a shower of satin slippers and rice follows them. If one slipper alights on the top of the carriage, luck is assured to them forever.

Many brides nowadays prefer to be married in traveling dress and hat, and leave immediately without congratulations.

Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly packed in boxes; each guest takes one, if she likes, on leaving the house.

Wedding-favors of white ribbon and artificial flowers are used in England, but not to any great extent in America. Here the groom wears a boutonnière of natural flowers.

A widow should never be accompanied by bridesmaids, or wear a veil or orange-blossoms. She should wear a colored silk and a bonnet, and be attended by her father, brother or some near friend. It is proper for her to remove her first wedding-ring, as the wearing of that cannot but be painful to the bridegroom. If married at home, she may wear a light silk and be bonnetless.

It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to kiss the bride. Only near relatives have this privilege.

Wedding tours are no longer considered obligatory nor is the seclusion of the honeymoon demanded by fashionable society.

New Year’s Day Calls.

The old-time habit of serving wines and liquors at these gatherings has, happily, almost died out, in good society. Those who entertain elaborately upon New Year’s Day sometimes send out cards of invitation in the name of the hostess. They are handsomely engraved, and enclosed in a single envelope. If a daughter or daughters receive with her, “Miss Blank or Misses Blank” is engraved beneath her own name. If other ladies than her daughters also receive with her, their visiting-card may be enclosed in the same envelope with the hostess’ invitation. Should the lady-guest invite her own personal friends to meet her at the residence of her hostess for this day, she writes the number of her residence where she is to receive on New Year’s upon her own card, adding the receiving hours in ink, and she incloses the visiting-card of her hostess.

The invitation of the hostess is engraved in the following form:

All the ladies are in full toilets, and the house is lighted as if it were evening. A table is spread, as if for an ordinary reception or party, in the back parlor or dining-room. A servant opens the street-door and the gentlemen leave their cards in the hall. They enter the drawing-room with hat in hand, or they may leave it in the hall with overcoat and cane. Ladies in full costume require the atmosphere of their drawing-rooms to be kept comfortably warm. They rise to receive their guests. The hostess offers her hand to the guest when he enters, and, after an exchange of compliments he is presented to her lady friends. After partaking of refreshments, which consist of oysters, tea, coffee, chocolate, bouillon or lemonade, with cake and cold meats, boned turkey, etc., he may retire soon from the house without interrupting his hostess, provided she be occupied with later visitors. He need only bow to each lady as he passes out.

Ladies who receive New Year’s callers less formally may write “January 1” upon their visiting-cards and send them to such of their gentlemen acquaintances as they may like to see. They need not provide an elaborate repast. They may wear a visiting costume with light gloves, but they need not turn on the gas, because informal receptions are held in daylight. If they do not mention upon their cards the hours for receiving, it is etiquette for a gentleman to call at any time between twelve m. and ten o’clock p. m. The formalities between hostess and guest are the same as if the reception were held in grand toilet.

Gentlemen who cannot call enclose their visiting-cards in envelopes, and send them by messengers on the morning of New Year’s, or by mail the day before. Others drive from door to door and leave their cards, the right-hand side folded over to signify that they delivered the card in person. A gentleman leaves as many cards as there are ladies who are old enough to receive visitors.

Gentlemen should wear a morning costume of dark coat and vest, with lighter pantaloons, when they pay New Year’s calls. It is not uncommon to see dress-suits, but they are never strictly correct until evening. Gloves, while light in tint, should never be white. Medium tints in scarfs and gloves are in taste upon these occasions.

Christenings and Birthdays.

There are occasions when family and friendly reunions of the pleasantest character may be enjoyed. Christening ceremonials among our superior citizens are becoming more and more beautiful each year in New York. The formality which is most in favor is the giving of a reception; the hours are fixed from three or four o’clock until six p. m. It is equally proper to write the invitations, or to order them engraved in script.

The engraved form is scarcely varied from the following:

This card calls for an early response.

At these parties, flowers ornament the house tastefully. The guests all arrive in reception or visiting toilets, before five o’clock, and meet the host and hostess just as they would at any reception.

There may be a band of music, or a pianist and a quartette of singers, to entertain the guests.

Sometimes professional musicians are employed. A temporary font is arranged in a prominent place in the room, and on a small round table is placed a silver goblet or bowl, or one of crystal. The edge of the pedestal is often hung with trailing flowers.

The child is brought to the parents, who stand by the font, and the sponsors join them. If it be a girl, its selected guardians are usually two young ladies, who are dressed in white and who arrange themselves one at each side of the father and mother, and a hymn or chant is sung. The clergyman performs the rite according to the formalities of his own established church; more music follows, and then a benediction. Directly after this, congratulations are offered to the father and mother, and the child is admired and shortly afterward removed.

Refreshments are offered as at any afternoon entertainment.

Children’s birthdays are celebrated more and more after the customs of Europeans. A little feast is made for the child, to which its companions are invited, but the invitations seldom extend beyond a number that may be seated at table. The feast is dainty but not rich, and with a pretty cake in which may be placed as many toy wax-candles as there are years in the age of the young host. They are already lighted when the young people enter the room. Plays follow the supper. Guests are not expected to make presents.

Among the elders of a family the yearly return of the birthday is seldom celebrated except by his or her own kinspeople. The twenty-first birthday of a young man is often made an occasion for a dinner, or a party, but a lady’s age is not thus publicly celebrated. When the lady or gentleman becomes very old, delightful attentions are often bestowed upon them by their young friends, and by the companions of their youth. Flowers, letters of congratulation, cards of inquiry and respect, gifts that will interest, breakfast or dinner parties, and receptions, are considered proper for such celebrations.

Mourning Etiquette.

Death comes to all alike and custom has long established a conventional observance in dealing with the presence of death, in our own homes or elsewhere. In our own country black is worn as the typical attire of sorrow, and it has come to be regarded as a token of respect to the lost one. It is now decreed that crape shall only be worn six months, even for the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not exceed a year. A wife’s mourning for her husband is the most conventionally deep mourning allowed. Bombazine and crape, a widow’s cap, and a long, thick veil—such is the modern English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of black crêpe lisse, but it is generally of white. In this country a widow’s first mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with crape. There are now, however, other and pleasanter fabrics which also bear the dead black, lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead, and which are not so costly as crape or so disagreeable to wear. The Henrietta cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for those of less weight are tamise cloth, Bayonnaise, grenadine, nuns’ veiling, and the American silk.

Mourning is expensive, and often costs a family more than they can well afford; but it is a sacrifice that all gladly make. Many consider it an act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if the living are not clad in gloomy black.

Widows wear deep mourning, consisting of woolen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and sometimes by choice for life. Children wear the same for parents for one year, and then lighten it with black silk, trimmed with crape. Half mourning gradations of gray, purple, or lilac have been abandoned, and, instead, combinations of black and white are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk without crape. The French have three grades of mourning—deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woolen cloths only are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woolen; in half mourning, gray and violet. In France, etiquette prescribes mourning for a husband—six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six months—three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister, two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. Here, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they have never seen, and have remained for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then, on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left to express the real grief. Complimentary mourning should be limited to two or three weeks.

The duration of a mourner’s retirement from the world has been much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is undertaken, nor any gayety. Black is often worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hat. It is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although not absolutely necessary. Friends may call on the bereaved family within a month, not expecting, of course to see them. Kind notes expressing sympathy are welcome from intimate friends; and flowers, or any similar testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and appropriate.

Cards and note-paper are put in mourning, but very broad borders of black are in bad taste. A narrow border of black is correct. The use of handkerchiefs with a two-inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border of black is to be deprecated.

Mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers wear is pathetic and effective. A flag draped with crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a black band, or a piece of crape about the left arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, are in proper taste.

For light mourning, jet is used on silk, and makes a handsome dress.

Elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on soft French crape, but lace is never “mourning.” During half mourning, however, black lace may be worn on white silk; but this is questionable. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. Gold is never worn in mourning.

The Swedish kid glove is now much more in use for mourning, and the silk glove is made with such neatness and with such a number of buttons that it is equally stylish, and much cooler and more agreeable. Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than ordinary bonnets.

People of sense, of course, manage to dress without going to extremities in either direction. Exaggeration is to be deprecated in mourning as in everything. The discarding of mourning should be effected by slow stages. It shocks persons of good taste to see a widow change into colors hurriedly. If black is to be dispensed with, let its retirement be slowly and gracefully marked by quiet costumes, as the grief, yielding to time, is giving way to resignation and cheerfulness.

Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, see the clergyman and officials who manage the ceremony. It is now the almost universal practice to carry the remains to a church, where the friends of the family can pay the last tribute of respect without crowding into a private house. Pall-bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house. They, accompanying the remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place. The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of feeling, and they can go if they wish. After the funeral only the members of the family return to the house. It is not expected that a bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the members of her family for several weeks.

All the preparations for a funeral in the house are committed to the care of an undertaker, who removes the furniture from the drawing-room, filling all the space possible with camp-stools. The clergyman reads the service at the head of the coffin, the relatives being grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by disease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and laid in an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all friends are asked to take a last look. The body of a man is usually dressed in black.

The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is beautiful, but has been overdone, and now the request is frequently made that no flowers be sent.

No one in mourning for a parent, child, brother, or husband, is expected to be seen at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before three months have passed. After that one may be seen at a concert. But to go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. If one choose, as some do, to wear no mourning, then he can go, unchallenged, to any place of amusement, but if he put on mourning he must respect its etiquette.

A woman may wear mourning all her life if she choose, but it is a question whether in so doing she does not injure the welfare and happiness of the living.

The Etiquette of Correspondence.

Good or ill-breeding is no more marked in general deportment than in the writing of notes and letters. A gracefully and courteously worded note is always pleasantly received. Very long letters are now rendered unnecessary by the increase of mail and telegraphic facilities, but the writing of notes has correspondingly increased; and the last few years have seen a profuse introduction of crests, ciphers, designs, and monograms in the corners of ordinary note-paper. The use of sealing-wax has almost been abandoned, although it is still the only elegant, formal, and ceremonious way acknowledged in England, of sealing a letter.

Colored note-paper fell into disuse long ago, and for the last few years we have not seen the heavy tints. Pale greens, grays, blues, and lilacs have found a place in fashionable stationery, but now no color that is appreciable is considered stylish, unless it be écru, a creamy white. Fanciful emblazoned and colored monograms have been dropped; the crest and cipher are laid aside, and ladies have simply the address of their city residence, or the name of their country place printed in one corner (generally in color), or, a fac-simile of their initials, engraved and set across the corner of the note-paper. The day of the week, also copied from their own handwriting, is often impressed upon the square cards now so much in use for short notes, or on the note-paper. Good, plain, thick, English note-paper, folded square, put in a square envelope, and sealed with red sealing-wax is always stylish in any part of the world.

The plan of having all the note-paper marked with the address is an excellent one. It gives a stylish finish to the appearance of the note-paper, is simple, and useful. The ink should be plain black ink, which gives the written characters great distinctness.

Every lady should study to acquire a free, and educated hand; a cramped, poor, slovenly, unformed handwriting is sure to produce a poor impression upon the reader.

Custom demands that we begin all notes in the first person, with the formula of “My dear Mrs. Brown,” and close with “Yours, cordially,” or “Yours with much regard,” etc. The laws of etiquette do not permit us to use numerals, as 3, 4, 5, but demand that we write out three, four, five. No abbreviations are allowed in a note to a friend, as, “S^d be glad to see you;” one must write out, “I should be glad to see you.” The date should follow the signing of the name. A note in answer to an invitation should be written in the third person, if the invitation be in the third person. An acceptance of a dinner invitation must be written in this form:

Above all things, in letter writing, spell correctly. A word badly spelled stands out like a blot on a familiar or ceremonious note. Do not send a blurred, blotted, slovenly note to any one. The fashion is not now, as once, imperative that a margin be left around the edge of the paper. People now write all over the paper. Do not cross your letters: such letters are a nuisance to all people who have not the keenest of eyes.

No letter or note should be written on ruled paper. Every person should learn to write without lines. The square cards are much used, and are quite large enough for the transmission of all that a lady ordinarily wishes to say in giving or accepting an invitation. The day of the week and the address are often printed on the card. Square envelopes have also driven the long ones from the table of the elegant note-writer, and the custom of closing all ceremonious notes with sealing-wax is still adhered to by the most fastidious. Dates and numerical designations, such as the number of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, but quantities should be expressed in words. Few abbreviations are respectful. A married lady should always be addressed with the prefix of her husband’s Christian name. In this country, it is the custom to abbreviate everything except the title of “Reverend,” which we always give to the clergy. A properly written note honors the writer and the person to whom it is written, while a careless one may injure both.

Behavior in Church.

It may not be out of place to furnish a hint as to behavior in church. There is, of course, such a thing as church etiquette, although its code is rather implied than written. As a preliminary, it should be assumed that the right spirit has drawn the worshiper thither and that a reverent attention will be given to the service. The following suggestion may be accepted as embodying the general view of church etiquette:

1. If possible, be in time. You need at least five minutes after coming to get warm or cool: to compose your body and mind, and to whisper a prayer before the service begins.

2. Never pass up the aisle during prayer or Scripture reading. If you do, your presence will distract the minds of many in the audience.

3. Be devout in every attitude; all whispering should be studiously avoided. Find the hymn and sing it if you can. Share the book with your neighbor. If in a strange church, conform to its customs.

4. If the sermon has begun, take a seat near the door—no matter if you are “at home.”

5. Be thoughtful for the comfort of others. Take the inside of the pew, if you are the first to enter, and leave all vacant space at the end next to the aisle.

6. Speak a bright, cheery word to as many as possible at the close of the service. If you are a stranger, ask one of the ushers to introduce you to the pastor, or to some of the church officers. This will always insure you a hearty welcome.

7. Never put on your coat, overshoes or wraps during the closing hymn, and do not make a rush for the door immediately after the benediction is pronounced.

8. There should be no loud talking and jesting after the service is concluded. They are as much out of place in the house of God as at a house of mourning.