How to Behave and How to Amuse: A Handy Manual of Etiquette and Parlor Games

HOW TO BEHAVE.

Introductions.

Ladies who are on a social equality are introduced to each other, and so also are gentlemen. The latter, however, are always presented to ladies.

When the difference between the parties is a debatable one, it is the formal custom among many to say, “Mrs. A., this is Mrs. H.; Mrs. H., Mrs. A.”

Where a gentleman is presented to a lady by another gentleman, permission must first be secured from the lady, and afterward the presentation is made complimentary by this formula: “Mr. Mortimer desires to be presented to Mrs. or Miss Fairfax.” Or if the individual making the presentation desires the unknown parties to become acquainted for his or her own personal reasons, this form can be used: “This is Mr. Mortimer, Mrs. Fairfax. It gives me pleasure to present him to you.” The married lady, if she be glad to know Mr. Mortimer, says so frankly and thanks the presenting party, after which the latter retires. The young lady expresses a polite recognition of the gentleman presented, by bowing, smiling, and mentioning the name of the new acquaintance as a response. The expressed gratification must come from the gentleman, who will say some complimentary thing to her in regard to the ceremony.

Hand shaking is not so common as it was formerly.

In introductions generally the younger is introduced to the elder, except when a publicly admitted superiority exists. The unknown is always presented to the famous. The single lady is introduced to the married one, and the single gentleman to the married, other things being equal.

A person must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in a house on invitation, as if there were no more exalted society than that present.

To converse above the comprehension of others is an unpardonable egotism, and to try to give the impression that superior surroundings are the only ones with which you are familiar is evidence to the contrary.

Bowing and Salutations.

Bowing means recognition and nothing else, and it is the lady’s prerogative to offer this, and the gentleman’s to accept it. Between intimate friends it is immaterial which bows first, the gentleman or lady. The lady may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and the gentleman must be responsive to her manner, and claim no more attention than she offers.

If a gentleman lifts his hat and stops after a lady has recognized him, he may ask her permission to turn and accompany her for a little, or even a long distance. Under no circumstances should he stand still in the street to converse with her, or be offended if she excuse herself and pass on.

At entertainments a gentleman who is a formal acquaintance waits for the lady-guest to recognize his presence.

On entering a parlor to pay a visit, a gentleman should always carry his hat, leaving overshoes, overcoat, and umbrella in the hall if it be winter time. The lady rises to receive him, unless she is an invalid, or aged, in which case she receives him seated. If she extends her hand to him, he takes it, but does not remove his glove. He never offers his hand first. If it be a brief call, and others are present, he seldom seats himself, and takes leave very soon after another gentleman enters, the lady not extending her hand a second time. Hand-shaking is falling into disuse in ordinary visits.

A lady should never accompany a gentleman to the door of the drawing-room, much less to the vestibule, unless she entertains a special regard for him. She introduces him to no one, unless there be some reason why this formality should take place; and he talks with her other guests just as if he had met them before. No after recognition is warranted between gentlemen, or between ladies. If the parties desire to be presented to each other, the hostess should not refuse this formality if asked to perform it.

There may be cases when a gentleman may lift his hat to a lady, even though he cannot bow to her.

It not infrequently happens when gentlemen are driving, that they cannot touch their hats because too closely occupied; but a cordial bow satisfies under such circumstances. When riding in the saddle he may lift his hat, or touch its rim with his whip. Etiquette permits either style of greeting.

In passing a group of mourners at a door-way, where their dead is being carried forth, or a funeral procession in a quiet street, a gentleman should uncover his head.

A gentleman should always lift his hat when tendering a service, however slight, to a strange lady. It may be the restoration of handkerchief or fan, the receiving of her change, opening her umbrella or any other courteous act. To say “Thank you!” is not now considered necessary; it has ceased to be etiquette.

A gentleman will open a door for a strange lady, hold it open with one hand and lift his hat with the other, while she passes through. He always quickly offers her the precedence.

A gentleman who is walking in the street with a lady, touches his hat, and bows to anyone she salutes in passing. This is done in compliment to her acquaintance, who is most likely a stranger to him. If accompanying her across a drawing-room, and she bows to a friend, he inclines his head also but does not speak. He always raises his hat when he begs a lady’s pardon for an inadvertence, whether he is known to her or not.

Calls and Calling Cards.

It is a rule among the best people to call upon the stranger who is in town. If the visitor brings letters of introduction, an entree to society is easy through the usually observed forms. If strangers who have come to reside near us, or even to visit our locality, bear credentials of respectability, courteous and hospitable residents will call upon them, after sufficient time has elapsed for the recently arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions. No introduction is necessary in such a case. The resident ladies call between two and five o’clock, send in their own with their husbands’ or their fathers’ or brothers’ cards, and if they find the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This must be returned within a week, or a note of apology and explanation for the omission is sent, and the return-visit is then paid later on. If a card be sent in return for this visit, or is left in person without an effort to see the parties who have made the first visit, it is understood that the strangers prefer solitude, or that there are reasons why they cannot receive visitors.

A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation.

When should a lady call first on a new desirable acquaintance? She should have met the new acquaintance, should have been properly introduced, and should feel sure that her own acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in society, should call first. Good expedient for a first call is the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who wishes to begin her social life in a new place. These may be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend, or they may go out alone. If they bring visits or cards in response, the beginner has started on her career with no loss of self-respect. First calls should be returned within a week.

After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if the hostess is at home. For other entertainments the lady can call by proxy, or simply send her card. In sending to inquire for a person’s health, cards may be sent with a courteous message. No first visit should, however, be returned by card only.

Bachelors should leave cards on the master and mistress of the house, and the young ladies. To turn down the corners of the card has become almost obsolete, except, perhaps, where a lady wishes it understood that she called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A lady’s card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented.

Style of Cards.

Ladies’ cards should be nearly square (about 2½ x 3 inches), of smooth-finished card-board, medium weight, pearl-white in color, and the engraving plain script.

A gentleman’s card is smaller and narrower, (about 1½ × 2¾ inches), of heavier card-board, and the engraving larger and somewhat heavier.

If the surname is short, the full name may be engraved. If the names are long, and the space does not admit of their full extension, the initials of given names may be used. The former style is preferred, when practicable. In the absence of any special title properly accompanying the name—as “Rev.,” “Dr.,” “Col.,” etc.,—“Mr.” is always prefixed. Good form requires this on an engraved card. If in any emergency a man writes his own name on a card he does not prefix “Mr.”

Omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify transient offices, or occupations not related to social life; using such titles only as indicate a rank or profession that is for life; and which has become a part of the man’s identity, or which is distinctly allied to his social conditions. Thus: the rank of an officer in the army or the navy should be indicated by title on his card. His personal card is engraved thus: “General Green”—the title in full when only the surname is used; or, “Gen. Winfield Green,” “Gen. W. S. Smith”—the title abbreviated when the given names, or their initials, are used. Officers on the retired list, and veteran officers of the late war who rose from the volunteer ranks, retain their titles by courtesy. The official cards of political officers and ambassadors, with the title and office of the man—with or without his name—should be used only on official or State occasions, and during the term of office.

Professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an advertisement of occupations are not allowable. The three “learned” professions, theology, medicine, and law, are equally “for life,” and should appear on the card. On the other hand, the callings of the clergyman and the physician respectively, are closely allied to the social side of life, closely identified with the man himself. Therefore “Rev.,” or “Dr.” may with propriety be considered as forming an inseparable compound with the name. The title is an important identifying mark, and its omission, by the clergyman, at least, is not strictly dignified.

It is not good form to use merely honorary titles on visiting-cards. In most cases, a man should lay aside all pretension to special office or rank, and appear in society simply as “Mr. John Brown.” An engraved address implies some permanency of location. Those who are liable to frequent changes of address would better omit this addition to the visiting-card, writing the address in any emergency that requires it. No messages should be written on a man’s card, and no penciling is allowed, except as above, to give (or correct) the address, or in the case of “P. P. C.” cards, sent by post.

Cards for Ladies.

A woman’s name should never appear on a visiting-card without either “Mrs.” or “Miss” prefixed. The exception would be in the case of women who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine. Such are entitled, like their brothers, to prefix “Rev.” or “Dr.” to their names.

A married woman’s card is engraved with her husband’s name, with the prefix “Mrs.” No matter how “titled” the husband may be, his titles do not appear on his wife’s visiting-card. The wife of the President is not “Mrs. President Washington,” but “Mrs. George Washington.”

A widow may, if she prefers, retain the card engraved during her husband’s lifetime, unless by so doing she confuses her identity with that of some other lady whose husband is still living. It is more strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name, and to have her card so engraved. An unmarried woman’s card is engraved with her full name, or the initials of given names, as she prefers, but always with the prefix “Miss.” The address may be engraved or written in the lower right corner.

If a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls, that fact is announced in the lower left corner. If this is engraved, it is understood to be a fixed custom; if written, it may be a transient arrangement. If a weekly “at home” day is observed, the name of the day is engraved, as “Tuesdays.” This means that during “calling hours” on any Tuesday the hostess will be found at home. A holiday, a birthday, a wedding anniversary, or other event in a friend’s life may be remembered by sending a card, upon which is penciled “Greeting,” “Congratulations,” “Best wishes,” or some similar expression. Such cards may be sent alone, or may accompany gifts.

Any brief message may be penciled on a woman’s card, provided the message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social courtesy. But the card message should not be sent when courtesy requires a note.

In strictly formal circles a young woman, during her first year in society, pays no visits alone. She accompanies her mother or chaperon. She has no separate card, but her name is engraved, or may be written, beneath that of her mother (or chaperon) on a card employed for these joint visits. After a year or so of social experience the young woman has her separate card, subject to the general rules for ladies’ cards.

During the first year after marriage cards engraved thus: “Mr. and Mrs. James Wills Gray,” may be used by the couple in paying calls, or returning wedding civilities. Such cards are also used when jointly sending presents at any time. For general visiting, after the first year, husband and wife have separate cards.

Cards are to be left in person in the following cases: After a first hospitality, whether accepted or not; calls of condolence, and after-dinner calls by cards. In such cases, when personal card-leaving is impossible, the card is sent by a private messenger, and an explanation, or apology, sent by note. Cards of condolence may be sent by mail by friends at a distance; but not by persons residing in the near vicinity. In cases where personal card-leaving is not imperative, cards may be sent either by messenger or by mail.

Social observance allows a man to delegate the distribution of his visiting-cards to a near female relative, whenever it becomes impracticable for him to attend to the matter personally. Only the women of his own household, or a relative with whom he habitually pays visits, can thus represent him by proxy.

Men’s Dress.

Good clothes are not alone sufficient to gain one admittance to the better circles of society, but without them admittance is impossible. When we go out into the world, it is not sufficient to do as others do, we must also dress as others dress. The man is best dressed whose dress attracts least attention. One’s dress must be seasonable, appropriate, conform to the prevailing fashion, without going in the least beyond it, and appear to be comfortable.

To dress well requires sense, taste and refinement. Dress is a safe index of character, and few dress really well that would not be considered persons of culture. The golden rule is to avoid extremes. The man of sense and taste never wears anything that is “loud,” flashy, or eccentric; he yields always to fashion, but is never a slave to it.

One good suit of clothes does more service than two cheap suits. The low-priced suit never looks well, while the high-priced suit looks well to the last, if kept clean and occasionally pressed into shape.

Linen is a test of good taste. Shirts should fit well and be of good quality. Let your collars always be strictly within the fashion; cuffs should be no larger than is necessary to admit of slipping the hand through them when buttoned. Colored shirts may be worn traveling, in the country, but most men of taste prefer white. The pattern of colored shirts should be small and the color quiet. If the coat, trousers and vest of business and morning suits are not made of the same cloth, the coat and vest should be of the same goods, and darker than the trousers. Men who cannot spend much money with tailors should always select dark stuffs. A dark morning suit may be worn on many occasions where the wearing of a light suit would be in bad taste.

Single-breasted overcoats, made with a “fly,” are most worn, and most desirable. A man of taste always selects for his overcoats dark, quiet colors. His boots and shoes are made long, broad in the sole and in the shank, and with a big and only moderately high heel. Pinched toes are an abomination. The shoe that does not look comfortable never looks well. There are many women who wear shoes that distort the feet and are most uncomfortable; such shoes, however, are rarely, if ever, seen on the feet of well-bred ladies.

A man’s hat should be fashionable, and his jewelry should be good and simple. False jewelry is vulgar. A watch, to be thoroughly in good taste, should never be very large, nor very thick, nor elaborately chased, nor should it have a hunting-case unless his business or pleasure renders him liable to break a crystal, when he is out of the easy reach of a jeweler to replace it. The watch chain should always be small and the pattern plain. Indeed, the young man who wears a big elaborate chain and attaches it in one of the lower button-holes of his vest has made an egregious blunder. Watch chains that go around the neck are no longer worn. The vest chain should be attached nearly as high up as it will reach, in a button-hole. If a locket or seal is worn, it should be very plain. A man’s ring should be on the third finger of the left hand. All kinds of rings are worn by men except cluster rings; they are worn by women only. Scarf-rings and collar-buttons with settings are in doubtful taste. Diamond studs are now very little worn by men of the better sort, and they never wear them except with full evening dress. Three studs in a dress shirt are to be preferred to one. Imitation diamonds are the extreme of vulgarity.

Nowadays, with few exceptions, men wear the hair very short, and the exceptions are not found among men of taste. The most artistic and becoming cut is that that trims the hair very short on the sides and back of the head, and leaves it comparatively long on the top, for the reason that a high head is always more pleasing than a low, broad one. The “parting” should be high up—in the middle, if one chooses to put it there. Pomatums and other inventions of the barbers are no longer used. Most men look best with a full beard, if it is kept properly trimmed and is well cared for. A man with a beard that reaches down over his chest, or a moustache so long as to be in his way, is a disgusting object to look on. If a man shaves a part of the face only, he should shave that part that is most prominent. A man with a prominent chin and thin cheeks should shave his chin and let his beard grow on the sides of his face; on the other hand, a man with a retreating or a light chin and full cheeks should shave his cheeks and let his beard grow on his chin. In short, the beard should be so trimmed, if worn full, or so cut, if only a part is worn, as to give regularity to the outline of the face. Every man, no matter who he is, should learn to shave himself quickly and well. Shaving should be as much a part of the regular morning toilet as the brushing of the hair. Much depends on having a good strap and knowing how to use it.

The finger nails should be kept moderately long, and be so cut that they are a little more pointed than the upper ends of the nails are. They should not be scraped, and in cutting, care should be taken not to encroach too much on the angles.

Canes should be strong, plain, stiff, light and small. Very big canes are in very bad taste, especially for young men.

A full-dress suit consists of a swallow-tailed coat, a low, white or black single-breasted vest, black trousers, a white necktie, a stand-up collar, a high black hat, and a pair of light kid gloves. This dress should never be worn until evening, and never before the dinner hour. A white necktie should not be worn except with a full-dress suit, save by clergymen and a few elderly men who never wear any other color. Black trousers should not be worn except with a dress coat, save at funerals. A high hat should not be worn with a sack coat. A low hat should not be worn with a long coat—a double-breasted frock, for example. Dark suits are preferable for Sundays, especially in town, and light suits should never be worn to church anywhere. Double-breasted frock coats should always be black.

At small informal gatherings most men regard themselves as sufficiently dressed when they wear black frock coats and dark trousers. At public entertainments where ladies wear bonnets, the man who wears a black frock coat, dark trousers, and light kid gloves is better dressed—because more appropriately—than he that wears a full-dress suit.

No man who has any regard for the proprieties will ever appear at table, even at home, whether there are strangers present or not, or will show himself to any one with whom he is not on a familiar footing, in his shirt-sleeves.

A Young Lady’s Début.

Social custom, both here and in Europe, has fixed the time for a girl’s formal introduction to society as between the ages of seventeen and twenty. Abroad, the daughter’s début means much more than with ourselves, and the launching of a clever and prepossessing young girl into the fitful sea of social life is quite an important function.

The mother invites only suitable people to her house, where she may present her daughter to them as a member of their circle. This act conveys the information to the polite world that the young lady has been graduated in all the accomplishments and knowledge necessary as the equipment of a woman of society.

Just previous to her formal presentation or début, her mother and her elder unmarried sisters—if any—pay visits, or at least leave their own with their fathers’ and brothers’ cards, upon all acquaintances whom they intend to invite to be present at the début. Engraved invitations follow this formality, and they are issued about ten days previous to the event. If they are sent by mail, an extra outer envelope incloses all the invitations that are directed to one family. If delivered by messenger, the outer wrap is no longer used. The mail has become as suitable a method as any for conveying social messages. One envelope is directed to Mr. and Mrs. A. If there are more daughters than one, the address is, “Misses A.,” or, if preferred, “The Misses A.” Each son receives a separate invitation; it is the custom. Replies are sent in the names of the parties addressed on the envelopes. The invitation is engraved in script, or, if crest or cipher be used, it may be placed on the envelope, and is in form similar to that used for parties. Cards have been used on which the special purpose of the party is stated, with the name of the young lady who is to make her début engraved upon them; but this is seldom done, and is not considered in the best possible taste. The following is the formula if such a card is used:

A preferable method is simply to inclose the card of the young lady in the envelope containing the invitation.

The reply is written and forwarded directly, and corresponds in style to the invitation, in the following manner:

The young ladies use the same form, and commence their note with “The Misses Jones,” or in whatever style the invitation is sent to them. Young gentlemen follow the same custom. Intimate friends may send flowers on the day of the young girl’s first appearance, if they please; but it is not an inflexible custom.

The young lady stands at the left of the mother during the reception of guests, and is presented to her elders and to ladies. Of course, welcomes and brief congratulatory compliments are offered to her by each guest, and then place is made for the presentation of others who are arriving. When supper is announced, the brother or father escorts the young lady to the table, and the mother follows, accompanied by some honored gentleman guest. If the brother takes the young lady in, the father leads the way with the eldest or most distinguished lady of the party.

Visits of ceremony paid to the hostess following this entertainment should include this young lady, but during her first season in society she has no card of her own, and does not pay formal visits alone. If she be the eldest unwed daughter, her name is engraved as Miss Jones, beneath that of her mother. If she have elder sisters at home, her name is engraved as Miss Ada Anna Jones. During this first season she does not receive visits from gentlemen without a chaperon under any circumstances. If her mother be unable to receive with her, she politely declines a visit. After the first season, her own separate card may be left, either alone or with those of other members of her family. This formality past, she may be considered launched into the world of social intercourse.

Young gentlemen on the other hand, enter society without formality, and without much difficulty. A youth usually begins by endeavoring to assist his mother at her entertainments, and by being an escort to his sisters on informal evening visits among lady acquaintances where his agreeable traits win him a future invitation.

Dinner Parties.

Next to a wedding, there is probably no social duty that taxes to a larger extent the cleverness and originality of the mistress of a modern household than a fashionable dinner. As a preliminary step to such an event, she is careful to catalogue all the names of those to whom she desires to extend the hospitalities of her house. From all these she selects and groups those who will affect each other pleasantly. The differences in social conditions often go far toward deciding upon the groups, and the combinations of guests may be based upon mental accomplishments, or family connection. In either case the etiquette is the same.

To give a dinner in honor of some person, or “to meet” a particular party, as the invitation should explain (provided the guest be not well-known and famous), has an especial advantage in that it settles who shall, and who need not, be present. This is a simple method of disposing of our first difficulty when issuing invitations. In such a case the card of invitation should be in the usual form with the addition of an extra card as follows:

thus intimating that the dinner is to be given in his honor. The regular invitation should always be given in the name of the host or hostess, thus:

The custom of engraving the initials, R. S. V. P. (Answer, if you please), on the lower left-hand corner is less followed than formerly. Another and also quite proper form, when the dinner is given in honor of some distinguished person, is to issue an invitation in this style:

The form used in writing an immediate reply is as follows:

If unable to come, the refusal should be worded in a manner expressive of disappointment. The following is the popular style:

The answer, whether affirmative or negative, should be addressed to the mistress of the house, and dispatched, if possible, within twenty-four hours of the receipt of the invitation. Having accepted an invitation, be punctual. “To be too late is a crime, and to be too early a blunder.” You should not fail to arrive within a very few minutes after the time named, say within five, or ten at most. Well-bred people, and people that dine out frequently, make a point of arriving in good time. It is not well, however, to arrive before the hour named. On entering the drawing-room, go and pay your respects to the hostess, then to the other members of the family, and finally to any acquaintances present. Do not offer your hand either to hostess, host, or to any member of the family; any offer to shake hands should come from them. On leaving, offer your hand, if you choose, to those of your entertainers that offered their hands to you when you arrived. But it is well to confine your leave-taking to the hostess and host. Do not go the rounds and take leave of the whole company individually; such a course is vulgar. If you have a lady with you, do not enter the drawing-room arm in arm nor side by side. The lady, or ladies will enter slightly in advance.

Gentlemen do not wear gloves at dinner-parties.

Dinner being announced, the hostess gives the signal to leave the drawing-room. The host or the hostess choose partners for their guests. Offer either arm to the lady. In entering at doors a gentleman takes the lead, until reaching the dining-room, when he may let the lady pass first. If there are steps, you may allow the lady to pass first, or you may go a step or two in advance. If you go down side by side, give her the side next the wall.

In the dining-room, assist the lady to be seated, and wait till the other ladies are in place before taking your seat. The host remains standing until all are seated. He also selects the places for his guests.

Sit erect and close to the table. Unfold your napkin and spread it over your lap, or over one knee, as you prefer. Before being served and during the intervals between the courses, do not toy with the knives, forks, or spoons, or with anything on the table. As soon as helped, begin to eat, but not hastily. Do not wait till your neighbors are served.

Dinners usually begin with a soup. This, you should sip from the side of the spoon, without noise. Not only soup, but everything else eaten with a spoon should be sipped from its side when practicable. The plate should never be tilted to get the last teaspoonful. If the soup is too hot, do not blow it, but wait till it cools. In eating it sit upright, and do not rest your forearms on the table.

Fish is eaten with a bit of bread in the left hand and a fork in the right. Neither soup nor fish is ever offered twice at a formal dinner.

As the fork is now used almost exclusively to convey all kinds of food that have any consistency to the mouth, it is very desirable that one should know how to use it properly. It should not be used in the left hand with the tines pointing upward. Food conveyed to the mouth with the fork in the left hand should be taken up either on the point of the tines, or on their convex side. In the right hand, the fork may be used with the tines pointing upward or downward, at will. It need hardly be said that eating with the knife is a social offence not to be overlooked.

Eat peas with a dessert spoon, and curry also. Asparagus may be handled with the fingers of the left hand; also Saratoga potatoes and olives. Green corn should be cut from the cob and then eaten with a fork. Cheese is eaten with a fork, or is placed, with a knife, on bits of bread and carried to the mouth with the thumb and finger. Pies and pâtés, as a rule, are eaten with a fork only. Sometimes it may be necessary to use a knife to divide the crust.

How to Set the Dinner Table.

There is no pleasanter sight than an artistically set dinner table just before the guests are seated and the repast is served. To set it is, indeed, an art of itself. It should first be covered with a mat of double-faced cotton flannel wide enough to fall several inches below the edge, all around. This greatly improves the appearance of the table-cloth, which can be laid much more smoothly over this soft foundation. Small table mats for the purpose of protecting the cloth are not fashionable at present. The table-cloth should fall about half way to the floor all around. For a square or extra wide table a large floral centre-piece, either round or oblong, is usually chosen, with endless varieties in its component arrangement. It may be low and flat, like a floral mat, in the middle of the table, or may be lofty. Small fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of fruits. Napkin rings are discarded by many hosts. Fancy doylies of fine linen embroidered with silk are sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls; but these are not for utility, the dinner napkin doing service, while the embroidered doyly adds a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration. Good quality of chinaware and artistic glassware are also essential. Any ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar. But one may take a pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver. Every ambitious house-keeper will devise ways of securing, little by little, if not all at once, a neat collection of solid spoons and forks.

After the floral decorations and possibly a centre-piece of pond lilies or other flowers have been put in place, with fruits and bonbons to balance the flowers, and here and there at convenient points cut glass decanters of fresh sparkling water, the next step is the laying of the covers. The courses in their order are soup, fish, entrees (served on hot plates), roast (which is carved at the side table), and game (if in season). The heavy courses end, the table is swept for crumbs and dessert is brought in. Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in on the dessert-plates. Each person at once removes the bowl and doyly to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate. Strong coffee is served last of all, in small cups, fashion directing that café noir or black French coffee be used.

The Wine Question.

The wine question is one that disturbs many a dinner-giving family. Shall wine be served or not, is a growing problem. Society has at last reached the point where it is not considered a breach of good form to serve a dinner without wine. Such a course is sanctioned by the example of many high social leaders; and when it is the result of a temperance principle it has the respect of every diner-out. No lady or gentleman will find fault with the absence of wine at his host’s table. It is good form for a host to serve or not serve wine, just as he chooses. Apollinaris can be made to take the place of stronger waters, and no embarrassment follow. The hostess who simply does not offer wine to any guest under any circumstances, is using her influence effectively and courageously in the cause of temperance and in support of Christian principles.

Notes for Diners.

At a dinner served in courses, it is better, as a rule, not to take a second supply of anything. It might delay the dinner.

Bread should be broken, not cut in small pieces. To butter a large piece of bread and then bite it, as children do, is something the well-bred never do.

In eating game or poultry do not touch the bones with your fingers.

Never gesticulate with your knife or fork in your hand, nor hold them pointing upward, keep them down on your plate.

A gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner. A lady wears a handsome gown, “dinner dress” being “full dress;” differing, however, from the evening party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used.

Gloves are removed by both ladies and gentlemen, after being seated at the table, and they need not be replaced again during the evening.

Never load up your fork with food until you are ready to convey it to your mouth.

Never send your knife and fork, or either of them, on your plate when you send for a second supply. Do not hold them meanwhile in your hand, but lay them down, with something under them—a piece of bread, for example—to protect the table-cloth.

Don’t use a steel knife to cut fruit if there is a silver one.

Don’t hold your elbows out; keep them close to your sides.

When you eat fruit that has a pit or a skin that is not to be swallowed, the pit and skin must be removed from the mouth with the fingers of the left hand, or with a spoon or fork in the right.

Tea, coffee, chocolate, etc., are drunk from the cup and never from the saucer. Never blow your tea or coffee; wait till it cools.

Don’t tip your chair, nor lounge back in it, nor hitch up your sleeves, nor call “Waiter!” nor try to talk with a full mouth, nor masticate so loudly that others can hear you, nor lay bones or bits of fruit on the table-cloth, nor pick your teeth at table. If you must do the last-mentioned, do it unobserved, if possible. Should you unfortunately overturn or break anything, make no apology, but let your regret appear in your face. Never fold your napkin where you are invited for one meal only, but lay it loosely on the table. When the ladies withdraw from the table, the gentlemen rise. Remain in the drawing-room at least half an hour after dinner before bidding host and hostess good-by.

Breakfasts, Luncheons, Teas and Suppers.

These, and all similar entertainments of the “At Home” order, are much less formal than the dinner event. The breakfast invitation should read in the customary form, and at the right hand lower corner the words:

This breakfast should not be elaborate, but dainty in its food and appointments. The best of everything, prepared in the choicest of styles, but nothing heavy, nor excessive in quantity, should be prepared. Walking costumes are worn by both gentlemen and ladies, also visiting-gloves, which are removed at table. The descent from the dressing-room and greetings between the hostess and guest are just the same as at a dinner-party.

Suppers are usually gentlemen parties; and from nine to ten o’clock is the usual time for them to be served. There are game suppers, fish suppers, and several other kinds of suppers, each one of which differs in the appropriate supplies for the table. But the formalities of the occasion, or, rather, the informalities, are all of the same kind. The invitations may be made at interviews, by friendly notes, or by the host’s visiting-card, with this, written upon it:

If it is a fish supper, only little food except that which once lived in the water is provided; salads and fruits, without a sweet dessert, complete it, with the addition of coffee.

It was surely a gracious social benefactor who introduced the afternoon reception which, between the hours of four and six, summons a host of friends to cross one’s threshold and meet informally, over a social cup of tea, each group giving place to others, none crowding, all at ease, every one accorded a gracious welcome from the hostess, who thus has tacitly placed each guest on her evening list for the season. The afternoon reception is much the same, whether it be a tea merely, or a musicale, or a literary occasion. Conversation and the chat of society, the greeting of friends, the tea and its pleasant accessories, fill a half-hour or so very pleasantly. When a musicale is given, it is usually in honor of some favorite amateur, a pianist, singer or reader. Under such conditions the invitation cards should be a little more explicit, and may state “Music at 4,” or whatever the feature of the reception or sociable may be. Tea is served in the same room, when the guests are few, and in another room if the reception be crowded. Usually a single table is set, with coffee or chocolate at one end, and tea at the other, served by young ladies. To be invited to preside at the coffee-urn, or tea-kettle, is accounted a high compliment. The refreshments may be very thin slices of bread and butter, or wafers, or similar trifles; but if the occasion approaches the nature of a formal reception a more elaborate preparation is made, and bouillon, oysters, salads, ice-cream and cakes, delicate rolls and bonbons may be offered.

Luncheons.

These are not as popular here as abroad, and the informal lunch is not yet fully appreciated in this country. In rural districts it is called early dinner, or ladies’ dinner; in the city, when the gentlemen are all down town, it becomes the elaborate ladies’ lunch. The invitations to luncheon are similar to those of a tea or reception, but the affair itself is even less formal. All the dishes should be light. Broiled fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled steaks and chops, are always satisfactory. The house-keeper living near the sea has an ample store to choose from. The fresh fish, the roast clams, etc., take the place of the deviled kidneys and broiled bones of the winter; but every housewife should study the markets of her neighborhood.

The Kettle-Drum.

This is simply a reception under another name, which is given to signify that the entertainment is not so pretentious as a formal reception. The name “kettle-drum” signifies to a metropolitan resident, a light entertainment, with demi-toilette for both ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes a tiny drum is beaten at intervals in the vicinity of the tea-table, where a lady of the household or a friend presides. Sometimes a young lady, costumed prettily as a vivandiere sits or stands by the tea-urn as its presiding genius; but these picturesque additions to an ordinary afternoon reception are not to be considered in the light of customs, but simply as pretty caprices, calculated to give vivacity to the entertainment, which any lady may adopt. Not a few leaders in society choose the “kettle-drum” because they dislike general gatherings, or are too absorbed to assist in entertaining evening guests. It is simply an “at home” in the daytime, or a social matinée.

“High Teas.”

The “High Tea,” as its name indicates, is a more formal and pretentious entertainment than the ordinary afternoon tea. Special cards are engraved, and if any special entertainment is provided, the fact may be indicated by the words, “Music,” or “Miscellaneous Program” (when readings and music are interspersed). Or, the announcement may be omitted, and the program furnish a pleasant surprise for the guests.

The card for a “musicale” or similar occasion, is simply engraved: