VARIOUS POINTS ON DEPORTMENT.
Polite Terms of Address.
Not every one who is accustomed to most of the usages of good society, is familiar with the approved forms of address, even in the simplest matters. A good authority writes:
Say “Thank you,” not “Thanks”—a lazy and disrespectful abbreviation. If you say “Pardon me,” let your manner be appropriate to your words. “I beg your pardon” is sometimes uttered in prefacing the expression of a contrary opinion, and the insolence of the tone and manner give the words all the force of a contradiction. In most phrases of compliment the words are nothing, the manner everything. So of adding “Sir” or “Ma’am” to “Yes” and “No.” “Yes, sir,” “No, sir,” may be rude and defiant; “Yes” and “No” may be polite and deferential. There is a difference of opinion as to whether it is necessary, or even proper, for people of social equality to add sir or madam to these responses, and especially as to whether children should be taught to do so. It is a provincial custom, but the best usage does not allow it. Children may be taught to say “Yes” and “No” with a well-bred courtesy of tone and inflection to which the additional syllable “Sir” could give no additional grace. It is an important point of training in etiquette to enforce the truth that the spirit of words and deeds is the essence of good manners, or good anything, in fact.
Faulty Social Training.
That society is bad whose members, however tenacious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate ceremonials, have one code of manners for those whom they deem their equals, and another for those whom they esteem to be of less importance to them by reason of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social influence, writes Mrs. Sherwood. Bad manners are apt to prove the concomitant of a mind and disposition that are none too good, and the woman who slights and wounds people because they cannot minister to her ambitions, challenges criticism of her own shortcomings. A girl who is impertinent or careless in her demeanor to her mother or her mother’s friends; who talks slang; who is careless in her bearing toward young men; who accepts the attentions of a man of bad character or dissipated habits; who is loud in dress or manner—such a girl must be classed as ill-bred and undesirable in good society.
So with a young man who is indifferent to his elders, neglects to acknowledge invitations, sits while a lady stands, does not speak to his host; who is selfish, immoral and careless of his reputation. No matter how rich, or how agreeable to those he may wish to please, he is to be avoided by a wise host or hostess.
If a young girl comes from a secluded circle, and sees some handsome, well dressed woman much courted, and observes in her what seems to be insolent pretence, unkindness, frivolity, and superciliousness, let her inquire and wait before she accepts her acquaintance. Good society is the bringing together of the best men and women in a pleasant and proper way. Good breeding, personal superiority, beauty, genius, culture, are all estimable things, and every one likes a person of charming manners; but the best society is that of those who have virtue and good manners combined.
Tactful Hostesses.
The capable hostess will give her instructions for the details of the entertainment so explicitly that on the arrival of the guests she need have no other care than their pleasure. If she is nervous, or shows constraint, it affects the ease of her guests. Upon the demeanor of the hosts the success of the occasion largely depends. Much tact may be shown in placing the right people together at the table. If one is a great talker let the other be a good listener; if one is dogmatic let the other be without positive views, and so on; for every one is happiest when appearing well. The guests, too, have their obligations, and in recognition of the compliment of being invited where the number of guests is limited to very few, each one should exert himself to be as agreeable as possible, a dull dinner or tea companion being a misfortune. At a dinner there is time, not given at most other forms of entertainment, for rational and sustained conversation, and this may be turned to durance vile if one victimizes by his egotism or caprice the person who without power of withdrawal is assigned to his society for perhaps two hours or more. Also, if one finds himself neighbor to some one he dislikes, it must not be allowed to interfere with the general pleasure; and should such a situation occur, there is nothing to do but to make the best of it. The discovery is sometimes made that an unfriendly person is more agreeable than was supposed, and a pleasanter relationship results.
A Young Girl’s Social Life.
Here is a pretty and instructive little sketch by Ruth Ashmore from her new book on “Sidetalks with Girls,” in which she pictures the “Social Life of a Girl.” She writes:
You are just beginning to go out; you are twenty years old, and you would like, as is perfectly natural, not only to have the love of women, but the genuine admiration of men. The admiration of all men is not worth having. You believe that you are pleasant to look at, but when you meet strangers you are abashed, the blood rushes to your face, and you don’t know what to say. Now a little bit of that is due to self-consciousness; more of it to inexperience. When a man is presented to you you need not expect to enter into an easy conversation with him, as does the woman of forty, but you can get your thoughts away from yourself and answer him as intelligently as possible. Make up your mind to be a little slow in your speech rather than to give a foolish answer, and after you have resolved to do this you will not find it difficult to overcome that silly giggle so peculiar to young women, and which is very often the result of great nervousness, and an effort to speak quickly.
Don’t be too perfectly certain about things. The positive girl who, the very minute a stranger speaks to her, gives him an answer which she announces is her opinion, and which she permits no one else to doubt, is quite as undesirable as the girl who is afraid to say anything. I think you will be most successful socially if you are willing to learn, and if you never permit yourself, from false shame, to tell an untruth and say you do know of things about which you are totally ignorant. Experience has taught most social leaders that men like to give information, consequently when a stranger has been presented to you, and after the first ordinary commonplaces, asks, “Did you meet the Spanish Princess?” answer yes or no, as the truth may be, and supplement this by another question, “Did you? And what did you think of her?”
It is not difficult in this world to attract, if one is young and pleasing to look upon.
It may be taken as a general rule that no woman can retain her friends who cannot control her temper. What she thinks may be right, but, because it is so, no excuse can be found for her going into a long, quarrelsome argument, raising her voice, and making her hostess and all the other guests uncomfortable. Then people must know that, socially, a girl is to be relied upon; that she is not going to bring the daily worries of her life into the social atmosphere, but that she is certain to bring her mite of agreeableness to add to all the other mites until the perfection of enjoyment is achieved, and the pleasant side of everybody is seen and enjoyed. The woman who wishes to keep her friends must steer clear of vital subjects on which they may differ.
Be pleasant and agreeable to all who may be in your own social world. To retain one’s friends one must also respect their social rights. That girl shows wisdom, who, invited to a very elaborate affair and feeling that she cannot afford even a simple suitable dress, refuses the invitation rather than mortify the hostess by being out of tune in the general harmony. One has achieved a great wisdom when one has learned how to say “no” in the social world without giving offence. So it should be with any games, or any affair involving late hours, or at which she would meet undesirable people. The saying “no” is right, but it must be said at the right time, that is, it must be said before the temptation arises and before you would be forced to appear as rude. You cannot accept an invitation and refuse to meet your hostess’ friends. Once there, you are bound to be polite to them, though afterward you need only recognize them very faintly, and gradually the recognition may die away altogether. A form of declination for those invitations which you are sure will place you either in disagreeable positions or among people whom you do not care to meet, is this:
“Miss Brown thanks Mrs. Charles Jones for the kind invitation for Wednesday evening, and regrets her inability to accept it.”
At your own home have the parlor the prettiest and most comfortable room in the house, but don’t be alone there—have some of the members of the family with you. Arrange the parlor with a view of furnishing subjects for conversation. Have whatever illustrated magazines or papers you have in view, or any photographs of celebrities; have the piano open and the music on it.
Innocent and Sinful Pleasures.
It is frequently asked: “What pleasures or recreations may a young man or woman share that are not objectionable.” There are a thousand innocent pleasures within easy reach of all. Pleasures may be classified as, (1) Recreative and helpful; (2) Harmless and enjoyable but neither helpful nor otherwise; (3) Injurious for various reasons and objectionable as being detrimental to spiritual growth and the development of the finer qualities in either sex. To the latter category belong gambling of all sorts, dancing, theatre-going, flirtations and frivolous companionship, and all pleasures that merely “kill time” and induce a temporary excitement. Objectionable pleasures are never recreative—a term that implies healthful and upbuilding if not uplifting qualities.
The greatest tonic, stimulant, and equalizer, writes Lyman B. Sperry, is genuine pleasure. Contentment, satisfaction, joy, are remarkable for their beneficial influence on mind and body. Occupations that are inviting and pleasurable, whether they be called work or play, are helpful to human development, longevity, and efficiency. Diversion, recreation, pleasure, are demanded as an antidote to our feelings of depression and fatigue, a stimulant to our courage, a basis for satisfaction with life. All must have recreation and amusement in order to thrive well, but in seeking them it is easy to find and to follow those which, though apparently, and perhaps temporarily healthful, are finally destructive of things good and satisfying. All amusements which leave a sting, or feelings of surfeit or of regret, are either essentially unhealthful (and therefore unjustifiable), or they are used in such a way as, practically, to make them injurious. There are some so-called amusements which are inevitably bad, and there are others which are bad only when they are intemperately pursued. So much depends upon the time, the manner, the amount, the associations, the tendencies of various forms of activity called amusements, that it is impossible to classify them rigidly as either commendable or objectionable. All intelligent persons must admit that our lives should be conformed to ways that are helpful to advancement in all that is really and permanently good.
Amusements should secure rest from irksome toil and conduce to real recuperation. While they enable fatigued parts of the body to rest, they should also bring into action other parts that need, for the general good of the body, as well as for their own good, to be called into exercise. Genuine and healthful amusements stimulate mental emotion in such a way as to make one forget his burdens and sorrows, they leave in the consciousness a sweet memory which spreads its perfume over and through the succeeding period of toil, and even into the toil of one’s neighbors. There should be no doubt about the effects. Questionable amusements are usually injurious amusements. Some really commendable forms may be in bad repute simply because they are habitually in bad company, or possibly because of mere prejudice. Each one should be intelligently examined as to its nature and influence, and be accepted or rejected only after a fair judgment is passed upon it.
Comparatively few persons lack opportunities for amusement, and with many the great question is what not to do. With so much to select from, how shall we amuse ourselves? The answer is, In any way we please—provided, first, that we can afford it; second, that we find practically that it furnishes the rest and recuperation we need and that without leaving a residuum of regret or of lessened self-respect; third, that our indulgence does not interfere with the natural rights of others, or prove a stumbling-block to them; and fourth, that it is not of such a fascinating nature as to induce us to consume an undue amount of time and energy. It requires a goodly stock of intelligence and conscience to determine, each for himself, what amusements he shall seek, and where, when, and how they shall be sought.
The man or the woman who, at the social party or at the family fireside, plays any kind of a game for stakes, even though they may be trifling, thereby kindles and fans a flame that in many cases becomes unquenchable. The person thus tempted easily follows his impulses, and rushes into anything that will either arouse or gratify the love of excitement.
The moral quality of most forms of amusement may be determined simply by their physical effects. So intimately related are mind and body, so influential is the conscience over physical processes, that nothing which the conscience condemns can be healthful and recuperative. And it is equally true that every form of physical excess or of dissipation, inevitably leaves mental recoils and moral stings.
One of the best men of the day, who has seen much of life and who has studied many of its problems, says: “If an amusement sends you home at night nervous, so that you cannot sleep, and you rise up in the morning, not because you are slept out, but because your duties drag you from your slumbers, you have been where you ought not to have been. There are amusements that send a man, next day, to his work, yawning, stupid, nauseated, and with blood-shot eyes; they are wrong amusements. There are entertainments that give a man disgust with the drudgery of life; with work-tools because they are not swords; with working aprons because they are not princely robes; with domestic cattle because they are not infuriated bulls of the arena. If anything sends you home longing for a life of thrilling adventure, for love that takes poison or shoots itself, for moonlight adventures and hair-breadth escapes, you may depend upon it you are the sacrificed victim of unsanctified pleasure. Our recreations are intended to build us up, and if they pull us down, as to our moral or as to our physical strength, you may come to the conclusion that they are obnoxious.”
Wise people judge all so-called amusements by their actual fruits; by their immediate and their remote influence on the body, the mind, and the soul. It is the part of wisdom to cheerfully avoid all that prove to be dissipating to physical energy, or degrading to moral character; and the highest wisdom as clearly dictates that we cheerfully engage in those things which rest, refresh, and energize our God-given powers.
Treatment of Servants.
There is no surer sign of ill breeding and ill feeling than the rude treatment of dependents. The obligation of civility to servants should be inculcated especially upon the young American, who ought to learn at the earliest period that the accidental relation of advantage of position, which is ever alternating in a country free from prescriptive right, gives no title to a haughty demeanor and a domineering conduct. The recognition of the mutual obligation of master and man, and mistress and maid, is a certain sign of the true gentleman and lady, who will never exact from those temporarily placed in subjection to them the civility they are unwilling to bestow. The “thank you,” “please,” and other courteous expressions of a kindly consideration of the obligation of the employer to the employed, will be freely proffered by all who are fully conscious of their social duties and willing to acknowledge them. Policy, as well as good breeding, inculcates the necessity of gentle treatment and courteous behavior to servants, who will seldom fail to respond with a more zealous service and a readier obedience to exactions and commands rendered less harsh and domineering by a soft word and a subdued mastery.
Management of the Hands.
The management of the hands in company seems to embarrass young people greatly. This comes from the false modesty which induces them to suppose they are the observed of all observers. Let them think only of themselves in due proportion of estimate with the vast multitude of mankind, and frequent habitually the company of the refined, and they will probably overcome much of their awkwardness, if they do not acquire a large degree of grace.
Posing for Effect.
To attitudinize, with the view of producing an impressive effect upon the beholder, seldom succeeds except with the rawest members of society. When detected, as it always is by accomplished people of the world, it creates, at first sight, a feeling of aversion which it is not easy to eradicate. This posing for effect is so old a trick, and so easy of detection, that it is surprising any person who has reached the years of discretion should attempt to play it. Yet how often do we see it, in its various phases of the delicate young lady with the languid air, the listless step, or die-away posture!—the literary young lady with the studiously neglected toilette, the carefully exposed breadth of forehead, and the ever-present, but seldom read book!—the abstemious young lady, who surreptitiously feeds on chops at private lunch, and starves on a pea at the public dinner!—the humane young lady, who pulls Tom’s ears and otherwise tortures brother and sister in the nursery, and does her utmost to fall into convulsions before company at sight of a dead fly!—the fastidious young lady, who faints, should there be an audience to behold the scene, at the sight of roast goose, but whose robust appetite vindicates itself by devouring all that is left of the unclean animal when a private opportunity will allow. We assure our young readers that such affectations are not only absurd, for they are perfectly transparent, but ill bred, as shams of all kinds essentially are.
Winking and Dozing in Public.
Winking and all knowing glances had better be left to the horse jockeys and the frequenters of the bar-rooms, billiard saloon, and gambling-tables. It would seem hardly necessary to remind any one of the indecorousness of sleeping in company, but it must be recollected that the obligation is equally urgent upon all not to put people to sleep. It is the duty of every one to be wakeful; it is equally so to be as little somniferous in matter and manner as possible. An illustration is given of the somnolency of Washington Irving, who, according to the author, D’Israeli, was taken up bodily from a dinner-table where he had fallen asleep, and did not awake until set down in the midst of an evening party.
Beautifying the Hands.
Much can be done by care to beautify the fingers, upon the grace of which depends greatly the beauty of the whole hand. The natural tapering length of these can only be preserved by removing from them all pinching manacles of kid and jewelry. Much of the beauty of the finger depends upon the proper treatment of the nails. These, if cut too close, deform the finger-ends and render them stubby. The upper and free border of the nail should always be left projecting a line or so beyond the extremity of the finger, and be pared only to a slight curve, without encroaching too much on the angles. To preserve the half moon, or what the anatomists call the lunula, which rises just above the root of the nail, and is esteemed so great a beauty, care must be taken to keep down the skin, which constantly tends to encroach upon it. This should be done with a blunt ivory instrument, and the growth gently pushed away, but never cut. By this means, also, the production of the annoying “hang-nail” will be prevented. The habit of filing or scraping the nails is fatal to their perfection, as it thickens their substance and destroys their natural transparency. The ordinary finger-brush should alone be used for cleaning and polishing the nails. The ugly habit of biting the nails is fatal to their beauty. They become excessively brittle in consequence, not being allowed time to acquire their natural toughness, and, moreover, the ends of the fingers, being unsupported, turn over, forming an ugly rim of hard flesh, which will prevent the regular growth of the nail.
Causes of Deformed Feet.
The tight shoe or boot, too narrowly toed, is exclusively responsible for that painful affection, ingrowth of the toe-nail. If treated in time, it can be easily and simply cured. All that is necessary is to scrape down the nail until it becomes quite thin, and then cut the projecting edge of it in a semilunar form, with its concavity looking outward from the foot. The nail of the great toe should always be thus pared, care being taken not to clip the angles. This causes it to grow toward the centre, and shrink from the tender flesh at the sides. Chloroform now happily fulfills the service for the rendering of which this awkward process was barely a pretext. Though the operation has thus become painless to the insensible patient, it has lost none of its horror to the spectator. The surgeon, grasping the toe, thrusts the sharp-pointed blade of a pair of scissors under the nail as far as it will go, and then, cutting it in two, tears out each half with a pair of pincers from the quivering flesh in which it has been long imbedded. No one, not even the slave of fashion, should submit to any form of the boot or shoe other than the broad-toed, which is fortunately now in vogue.
The foot, like the hand, is subject to the infirmity of excessive perspiration. It is to be remedied by the same general and local treatment. The habitual daily washing of the feet should be with cold rather than with warm water, and a powder of starch or arrowroot, which it would be well to perfume with bitter almonds, orris, or some other no more intrusive odor, should be sprinkled in the inside of the stocking.
Care of the Teeth.
A wholesome condition of the teeth is not only essential to good looks, but to daily comfort and permanent health. Chewing of the food, so necessary to a good digestion, cannot be properly performed with weak and diseased masticators, which are, in fact, the frequent cause of dyspepsia and other affections of the stomach. Local diseases of the most tormenting kind, such as neuralgia and the various painful face, head, and earaches, and disorders of the eye, as well as the fatal cancer and tedious ulcers of the tongue and lips, are often due to no other cause than a decayed and ragged tooth.
Awkwardness in Sitting.
Many ladies, by not bending the knees, render their walk very ungraceful. The posture, moreover, if too rigid, particularly in sitting, has an exceedingly ugly look. Some folks are unable to sit on a chair, though they have so many opportunities of learning how to do it. While some never fairly get on a seat but to their own manifest discomfort, and that of all who look upon their misery, poise and balance themselves on the sharp edge, there are others who roll their bodies up into heaps, as it were, and throw them with an audible bounce deep into the receptacle, whatever it may be. Every one seating himself should take his place deliberately, and so completely that he may feel the full repose of the chair, which it is designed to give. The limbs, once at rest, should be moved, if moved at all, as noiselessly as possible; and all extraordinary actions, such as lifting, for example, one leg high upon the other, and holding it there manacled by a grasp of the hand, should be avoided. A person striding a chair, and grinding his teeth, and thrumming his hands on the back, has by no means an elegant look to the observer before or behind. This practice, which is never becoming in any company, is simply indecent in that of women.
About Blushing.
Blushing, which, as a sign of modesty, may be commendable in the young, especially of the female sex, is by no means always pleasing and worthy of encouragement. When immoderate and inopportune, it becomes a social nuisance. There is a false shame, which is the very reverse of true modesty. The usual signs of the fictitious quality are shyness, with the common accompaniments of frequent and ill-timed blushing, hesitancy of speech, hanging of the head, downcast eyes, sidelong glances, shambling and stumbling gait, restlessness of posture, and a general air of voluntary shrinkage, if we may be allowed the term. This false modesty is the result of a genuine vanity, which, overestimating self, fancies it the object of universal attention. This naturally begets a sensitiveness and an anxiety about personal appearance so great that they embarrass the whole behavior; for these excessively vain persons, fancying all eyes constantly upon them, would desire to make a figure in society of which they are manifestly incapable. Of this they are the first to become conscious, and their hopelessness of success is painted in strong colors upon the face, and visibly impressed upon every limb and feature. There are persons who live to an advanced life, and yet retain this fault. It has often proved fatal to the social qualities of some who have been otherwise singularly well adapted not only to receive from society, but to bestow upon it, both distinction and happiness.