[Holland takes it and flings it crossly on a chair.
Jack Straw.
I don’t think you’re in a very good humour this afternoon, Mr. Holland. I venture to think your manners leave something to be desired.
Holland.
Look here, we’ve had enough of this tomfoolery.
Jack Straw.
Pray sit down. It distresses me to see you standing.
Holland.
I believe the man’s out of his senses.
Lady Wanley.
[Very amiably.] Have you forgotten the waiter’s uniform which fitted you so wonderfully, Mr. Straw?
Jack Straw.
[Calmly.] Quite. I only remember the condition your ladyship was good enough to agree to, when I accepted your humorous suggestion.
Holland.
But, look here, we must talk the matter out.
Jack Straw.
I am quite willing to listen to you, my dear Holland. Your conversation is often interesting and sometimes epigrammatic. I stipulate only that you should use those forms of politeness which are usual between a person of your position and a person of mine.
Holland.
I should never have consented to this folly if I’d known to what it was going to lead. In a moment of uncontrollable irritation, because Mrs. Jennings had behaved with the greatest insolence to a defenceless girl, we made up our minds to punish her. There was no great harm in it. We thought perhaps she’d ask you to dinner, and there would be an end of it. It never dawned on us that you’d come and stay here indefinitely.
Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, why should you blame me for your own lack of intelligence?
Holland.
[Impatiently.] Ugh!
[Jack Straw goes over and sits beside Lady Wanley.
Jack Straw.
Our friend is quite incoherent, isn’t he?
Lady Wanley.
We want you to go away, sir.
Jack Straw.
Do you? I say, what a jolly frock. Where did you get it?
Lady Wanley.
[With a little laugh, disarmed by his impudence.] You’re perfectly irresistible.
Jack Straw.
You’ve taken the words out of my mouth, that’s just what I was going to say to you.
Lady Wanley.
Are you ever serious?
Jack Straw.
Always when I’m talking to a pretty woman.
Lady Wanley.
I wish I could understand you.
Jack Straw.
My dear lady, I’ve been trying to understand myself for the last thirty odd years. By the way, how old am I, Holland?
Holland.
How the deuce should I know?
Jack Straw.
Well, my dear fellow, I think it’s very careless of you. You might have looked it out. Supposing some one had asked me my age?
Lady Wanley.
I wish you really were a royal personage.
Jack Straw.
It does seem hard that a waiter should have such a way with him, doesn’t it?
Lady Wanley.
[Confidentially.] Who are you really?
Jack Straw.
Your devoted servant, madam. Who could be anything else after knowing you for ten minutes?
Lady Wanley.
It’s charming of you to say so.
Jack Straw.
I am very nice, aren’t I?
Lady Wanley.
Much too nice. That is why I beseech your Royal Highness graciously to take his departure.
Jack Straw.
You know, you haven’t yet told me where you got that frock.
Lady Wanley.
Oh, I bought it in Paris. Do you like it?
Jack Straw.
It’s ripping. And it suits you admirably.
Holland.
Isabel, Isabel, we came here to be sensible.
Lady Wanley.
My dear Ambrose, let me be sensible in my own way.
Jack Straw.
Oh, my dear Holland, I wonder if you’d very much mind going to see if my red carpet is still in its place.
Holland.
I’m not going to be made a fool of by you, my friend.
Jack Straw.
Why not? You’re doing it very well.
Lady Wanley.
Don’t be piggy, Ambrose.
Holland.
What on earth do you want me to do?
Lady Wanley.
I’m simply dying of thirst. I wish you’d get me a glass of lemonade.
Holland.
I have no intention whatever of stirring from this spot.
Jack Straw.
I’ve been wondering for the last week what I should do if I signified his dismissal to any one, and he flatly refused to go. Very awkward, isn’t it?
Lady Wanley.
Mahomet and the mountain isn’t in it.
Jack Straw.
Of course a hundred years ago I’d have cast him into a dungeon. But, between ourselves, I don’t happen to have a dungeon handy.
Holland.
Now look here, we’ve had enough of this nonsense. The joke has gone far enough. Are you going or not?
Jack Straw.
Well, if you ask me point blank, I’m not.
Holland.
But don’t you know that I have only to say two words for you to be kicked out of the house by the servants?
Jack Straw.
You forget that you’d be undoubtedly kicked out with me.
Holland.
Now look here, Jack, we’ve been old pals, and we’ve gone through a deuce of a lot together. I don’t want to say beastly things to you. I know I’ve made a fool of myself, but you’re a decent chap. You must see that it’s necessary for you to go at once.
Jack Straw.
I cannot for the life of me see anything of the sort. I have no other engagements, and the country is charming at this time of year.
Holland.
You’re behaving like a common impostor.
Jack Straw.
What language to use to a royal personage! I assure you we’re not used to such frankness.
Holland.
Do you deliberately refuse to go?
Jack Straw.
Deliberately.
Holland.
And shall I tell you why?
Jack Straw.
I happen to know, thank you.
Holland.
You’re going to commit the most disgraceful action of your life. Do you think any one can’t see that you’re madly in love with Ethel Jennings?
Lady Wanley.
[Springing to her feet.] Is that true?
Jack Straw.
Quite.
Lady Wanley.
Then why have you been flirting with me so disgracefully?
Jack Straw.
I assure you I had no intention of doing so. It must be my unfortunate manner.
Lady Wanley.
It’s an unfortunate manner that’s quite likely to get you into trouble with widow ladies.
Jack Straw.
In that case you can only applaud my determination to marry as quickly as possible.
Holland.
Not Ethel Jennings?
Lady Wanley.
You must be joking?
Jack Straw.
My dear madam, when I make a joke I always laugh quickly, so that there should be no doubt about it.
Holland.
It’s preposterous. I shall allow you to do nothing of the sort.
Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, what is the use of getting violently excited about it? More especially as I haven’t yet proposed to the young lady.
Holland.
I think you must be stark staring mad. You don’t suppose for a moment that we shall allow you to carry out such an odious deception. I can’t imagine how you can even think of anything so heartless and cruel.
Lady Wanley.
It’s going too far. You must understand that it’s impossible. I beseech you to leave Taverner immediately.
Jack Straw.
It drives me to distraction that I should have to refuse your smallest whim, but in this matter [with a dramatic flourish] I am adamant.
Holland.
Now, look here, we’ve talked about it enough. Either you leave this place immediately or I shall tell Mrs. Jennings the whole story.
Jack Straw.
It is only fair to give you that satisfaction. That was part of our arrangement.
Holland.
You realise the consequences?
Jack Straw.
[Very amiably.] I did that before I entered into your scheme.
Holland.
You leave me no alternative.
Jack Straw.
My dear Holland, I really believe you’re rather nervous about the disclosure which it is evidently your duty to make.
Holland.
For your own sake I ask you once more: will you give me your word of honour to leave the house and under no circumstances communicate with any member of the family?
Jack Straw.
It’s charming of you to give me one more chance. I can only repeat that I am deeply in love with Ethel, and I have every intention of marrying her.
Holland.
Your blood be upon your own head.
Jack Straw.
If I perish, I perish.
[Holland goes to the door.
Lady Wanley.
No, Ambrose, I beseech you not to.
Holland.
Good heavens, the whole thing was done so that you might have an opportunity to crow over Mrs. Jennings. Now you’re going to have it.
Lady Wanley.
But I don’t want it any more. It was a foolish thing. Let him go quietly.
Holland.
But, you see, he won’t go.
Enter Mr. and Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, your Royal ’Ighness, we’ve been looking for you everywhere. We couldn’t make out what ’ad become of you.
Parker-Jennings.
All the county is there. Crème de la crème.
Vincent.
I say, mater, what on earth are you doing? Hurry up, the duchess has just driven up.... Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. I didn’t know you were there.
Holland.
Vincent, go and fetch your sister. I have something important to say that it is necessary for her to hear.
Vincent.
But look here, the duchess has just....
Holland.
Oh, hang the duchess. Where’s Ethel?
Vincent.
She’s sitting just outside, talking to Serlo.
Holland.
Then call her.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Looking round with astonishment.] ’As anythin ’appened?
[Vincent goes out and in a moment returns with Ethel and Serlo.
Lady Wanley.
[To Holland.] Ambrose, be gentle.
Parker-Jennings.
Your Royal Highness isn’t put out about anything?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Quickly.] Oh, I ’ope we ’aven’t made any faux pas.
Jack Straw.
Nothing has happened to displease me. I’m in the best possible humour, thank you.
Holland.
[Seeing Ethel.] Oh, there you are. [Addressing himself to the company in general.] I have something very painful to say, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it clear to you.
Serlo.
I say, is this any business of mine? Shall I hook it?
Jack Straw.
Oh no, pray stay by all means.
Lady Wanley.
[To Jack Straw.] Haven’t you changed your mind, sir?
Jack Straw.
I’m like a historical character whose name I can’t remember at the moment: I never change my mind.
Holland.
Mrs. Jennings, I’m afraid there’s no use in my trying to excuse myself. I had better just tell you everything as shortly as I can.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Mr. Holland, don’t you think it can wait till later? The duchess ’as just come, and it’ll look so funny if I’m not there to receive her.
Jack Straw.
Mr. Holland has a communication to make which cannot fail to interest you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, of course, if it’s your Royal ’Ighness’s wish.
Holland.
I daresay you remember that a fortnight ago we all met at the Grand Babylon Hotel.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
How could I forget, when that was the auspicious occasion of my introduction to his Royal ’Ighness.
Lady Wanley.
Ambrose.
Holland.
You may remember, also, that Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting with us in the lounge.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I ’ave other things to do than to remember where Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting.
Holland.
I daresay you’ve forgotten that you behaved very cruelly to her. We were all very indignant. We thought it necessary to punish you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Really, Mr. Holland, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to.
Holland.
I find it very difficult to say what I have to—I realise now that the whole business has been preposterously silly—I can manage far better if you don’t interrupt.
Jack Straw.
Please let him go on, Mrs. Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Of, of course, if your Royal ’Ighness wishes it I ’ave no more to say.
Holland.
It struck me that it would be amusing to pass off a nobody as a person of great consequence. I had just recognised one of the waiters as an old friend of mine. I introduced him to you as the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
What! Then ...?
[She is at a loss for words. Serlo goes into a shout of laughter.
Serlo. What a sell! By George, what a sell! Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Going up to Jack Straw.] Do you mean to say you’re not.... Vincent. I thought I knew his face the moment I saw him. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Speak, man, speak. |
— | These four |
Jack Straw.
[With the greatest urbanity.] Madam, I stepped out of the uniform of a waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel into the sober garb of the person you now see before you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Then you’re nothing short of an impostor. Oh! Oh! Now, then, Jennings, you’re a man. Do something.
Parker-Jennings.
And he’s been lappin’ up my best champagne lunch and dinner for a week.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, damn your champagne.
Vincent.
Mater!
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, you fool, you fool! You’ve ’ad the education. You’ve been to Oxford, and we gave you four thousand a year. Didn’t you learn enough to tell the difference between an archduke and a waiter?
Vincent.
Serlo didn’t spot him.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Who’s Serlo? Fine marquess he is—spends all his time with stable boys and barmaids. How do I know he is a marquess?
Serlo.
Don’t mind me, will you?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Is there no one who can do something? And that man stands there as if he didn’t care a ball of worsted. Don’t you be too sure, my young friend. It’s your Royal ’Ighness this, and your Royal ’Ighness that. And we had to call you sir. Waiter, ’alf a pint of bitter, and look sharp about it.
Ethel.
Mother!
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, don’t talk to me. [To Jack Straw.] Well, what have you got to say?
Jack Straw.
My dear lady, you’re so voluble, it would be difficult for me to get a word in edgeways.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, I’m listening.
Jack Straw.
Ah, there you have me, for in point of fact I can think of no appropriate observation.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And you’ve been laughing at me all the time, ’ave you? Well, you’re going to laugh on the other side of your face now, young feller-my-lad.
Jack Straw.
I shall be interested to see how one performs that very curious operation.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, shall I tell you who’ll show you?
Jack Straw.
Yes, do.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
The police, my lad, the police.
Jack Straw.
I wouldn’t send for them if I were you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Wouldn’t you?
Jack Straw.
I wouldn’t really.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, I would.
Jack Straw.
Don’t you think it’ll be a little awkward with all these people here?
Vincent.
We can’t have a scene now, mater.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
D’you mean to say I’ve got to sit still and lump it?
Jack Straw.
If you ask my advice, that is what I should recommend.
Parker-Jennings.
All the county’s here, Maria. Crème de la crème.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I wish they were all dead. I know why they come here. D’you think I don’t know that they call me a vulgar old woman behind my back? But they come all the same because I’ve got two millions of money. I’m so rich that they can’t ’elp coming.
Jack Straw.
You know, I don’t want to seem stuck up, but in point of fact they’ve come to-day to meet me. Don’t you think I’d better go and make myself amiable to them?
Holland.
You don’t mean to say you’re going back to them?
Jack Straw.
Why not?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
’Ave I got to introduce you to the duchess?
Jack Straw.
I’m afraid she’ll make a point of it. Even duchesses have a weakness for royal personages.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
If she ever finds out!
Jack Straw.
The situation is not without an element of humour.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, upon my soul, you ’ave got a cheek!
Jack Straw.
The motto on my coat of arms is audacity. Only we put it in Latin because it sounds better.
Vincent.
Your coat of arms, I like that.
Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, I have no doubt it is as authentic as yours.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And do you mean to say I’ve got to pretend I don’t know anything?
Jack Straw.
I think it’s the only thing to do.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I can never do it. I shall never ’old up my ’ead again.
Jack Straw.
Come. I am convinced that the duchess is growing restive. I will murmur a few soft nothings in her ear.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, well, I suppose the only thing is to risk it. But you just wait, young man, you wait.
Jack Straw.
I think I can promise you that no one here will—blow the gaff.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Upon my soul, you talk as if I was the criminal.
[She starts and stops suddenly with a cry.
Holland.
What’s the matter?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, it give me such a turn. What’s to be done now? The Count.
Holland.
How d’you mean?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I’d forgotten all about him. Count von Bremer coming.
Jack Straw.
Who the deuce is he?
Holland.
He’s your ambassador.
Jack Straw.
Of course, how stupid of me!
Lady Wanley.
[With a little scornful smile.] But he won’t come.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t you make too sure about that. He’s coming right enough. The British aristocracy was quite willing to ’ob-nob with the Parker-Jennings, but this duty foreigner wouldn’t be seen in the same street with us. And you all sniggered up your sleeves, because you thought you was getting a bit of your own back. But I’ve got ’im to-day, and I was going to fling him in your faces. I wrote ’im a personal letter—as if I’d known him all my life—and said....
Jack Straw.
Well?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And said ’is Royal ’Ighness particularly wished him to come. I sent the letter by one of the footmen this morning.
Jack Straw.
By Jove!
Holland.
Well, they mustn’t meet. You must say that the Archduke has been seized with sudden indisposition.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Every one knows he was quite well half an hour ago.
Lady Wanley.
Besides, Count von Bremer would probably insist on seeing him. It must have come as a great surprise that the Archduke Sebastian had turned up.
Jack Straw.
My dear people, don’t put yourselves out. If Count von Bremer has come here to see me, it would be manifestly most discourteous to rob him of that pleasure.
Holland.
I think you’re quite mad, Jack.
Jack Straw.
Unless I’m greatly mistaken, Count von Bremer has excessively bad sight.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You don’t mean to say you’re going to meet ’im face to face?
Jack Straw.
Remember that there are eighty-one Archdukes in Pomerania.
Ethel.
You told me seventy-nine a little while ago.
Jack Straw.
I have since seen in the paper that the Archduchess Anastasia has had twins, which makes eighty-one. What more probable than that the Ambassador has never seen the Archduke Sebastian?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, but what a risk to take. It’s enough to turn my false ’air grey.
Jack Straw.
In any case, he can’t have set eyes on him for four years, because nobody has.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I suppose it ’asn’t struck you that he may talk to you in Pomeranian.
Jack Straw.
Have you ever met a waiter who couldn’t discourse fluently in seven languages at least?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Does that mean you can talk the Count’s beastly language?
Jack Straw.
Like a beastly native, madam. But I may suggest to you that there will be no need, since if I address the Count in English it would be the height of discourtesy for him to answer in any other tongue.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, of all the cheek I’ve ever come across in my life, you just about take the cake.
Holland.
But look here, I remember seeing the Archduke described as a very handsome man.
Jack Straw.
Spare my blushes, dear friend. We are as like as two peas.
Mrs. Withers comes in.
Mrs. Withers.
Maria, the Count is looking for you everywhere. [Seeing Jack Straw.] Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
Jack Straw.
Not at all.
Mrs. Withers.
He’s just coming along with Mr. Withers.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[In an aside to Jack Straw.] Try and behave like a gentleman.
Enter Count Adrian von Bremer and Withers.
Jack Straw.
My dear Count!
Count.
This is a welcome surprise, sir.
Jack Straw.
You know my hostess?
Count.
[Shaking hands with Mrs. Parker-Jennings.] How do you do?
Jack Straw.
It is many years since we met.
Count.
I should have never recognised you, sir.
Jack Straw.
I expect I had a moustache when you last saw me.
Count.
That changes a face so much. And then I am so blind nowadays.
Jack Straw.
I daresay you have later news of the Emperor than I.
Count.
It will be a great pleasure to His Majesty to know that you are in England, sir. I have ventured to telegraph to him.
Jack Straw.
Have you, by Jove!
Count.
It was my duty to do so.
Jack Straw.
I daresay you have several things you want to talk to me about?
Count.
I was hoping you would give me a few minutes conversation.
Jack Straw.
[To Mrs. Parker-Jennings.] Will you forgive us if we take a little stroll in the rose garden?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Grimly.] I am much honoured, sir, that your Royal Highness should condescend to walk in my rose garden.
Jack Straw.
Come. [He takes the Count’s arm. At the door the Count hesitates.] [Motioning to him to go first.] No, I pray you. I am at home here—the most comfortable, hospitable home I have known for many a long day.
Count.
Do you propose to stay in these parts much longer, sir?
Jack Straw.
I shall stay till Mrs. Parker-Jennings turns me out.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You do us a great honour, sir. [The Count goes out. Just as he is going Jack Straw turns round and gives Mrs. Parker-Jennings an elaborate wink.] [Furiously.] You, you, you, you, damned waiter!
THE THIRD ACT
The Scene is the same as in the preceding Act.
Next morning.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings and Vincent are discovered.
Vincent.
Where’s the governor?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
He’s ’aving an interview with the waiter.
Vincent.
I hope he’ll give him what for.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You trust your father for that. Oh, I thought I should never get through last night. Eighteen people to dinner, and me on pins and needles the whole time.
Vincent.
There’s a ripping long account of the Garden Party in the Cheshire Times.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Do you think I’ve not seen it?
Vincent.
It went off beautifully; no one can deny that. There wasn’t a hitch.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[With a little cry of rage.] Oh!
Enter Mr. Parker-Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well?
Parker-Jennings.
[Apologetically.] My dear.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Indignantly.] You’ve been and gone and made another old fool of yourself, Jennings.
Parker-Jennings.
[With a deprecating laugh.] I’m afraid it’s the same old fool as usual, Maria.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t make jokes at me, Robert. Keep them for your City friends.
Parker-Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
’As he indeed. At ’alf-past eleven. He’s not putting himself out, is he?
Vincent.
When’s he going, father?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
It isn’t a question of when he’s going. Your father went to him and said he was to clear out before twelve o’clock or we’d send for the police, come what might. That’s what you told him, Robert, isn’t it?
Parker-Jennings.
Well, my dear....
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You always were a fool, Jennings. What have you done now?
Parker-Jennings.
Well, my dear, he insisted on having one of the footmen in the room. He said he didn’t like this English habit of ours of having no servants at the breakfast-table.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You don’t mean to say you let him order my servants about?
Parker-Jennings.
My dear, what could I do? There was one of them in the room at the time.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And you sat by while he ate his breakfast?
Parker-Jennings.
He has a very healthy appetite, Maria.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t talk to me. You must ’ave ’ad some opportunity to give him a piece of your mind.
Parker-Jennings.
Well, my dear, we were left alone for a minute.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well?
Parker-Jennings.
[Helplessly.] He was so affable that....
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Affable! Oh, you blithering fool. Wait till I get a word with him.
Parker-Jennings.
Well, my dear, why didn’t you get rid of him last night?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
How could I get rid of ’im last night, with eighteen people come to dinner to meet ’im?
Vincent.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I never want to set eyes on her again. I know she was at the bottom of this.
Vincent.
But I thought you’d sent for her.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
So I ’ave, and for Holland too. They got us into the mess, and they must get us out of it. It’s just as bad for them as for us now. That’s one comfort.