A LATE ARRIVAL.

"FANCY BALL, SIR! NO, SIR! MISSUS'S FANCY BALL, SIR, WERE LAST TOOSDAY, SIR."

SNUFFED OUT.

"MY EYE, TOMMY! IF 'ERE AIN'T THE SCOTCHMAN HOUT OF THE SNUFF SHOP A TAKIN' A WALK."

THE TEST OF GALLANTRY.

Conductor. "WILL ANY GENT BE SO GOOD AS FOR TO TAKE THIS YOUNG LADY IN HIS LAP?"

ENCOURAGING.

Old Gentleman. "I WANT SOME SHAVING SOAP, MY GOOD LAD."

Boy. "YES, SIR, HERE'S AN HARTICLE I CAN RECOMMEND, FOR I ALWAYS USE IT MYSELF!"

TAKING IT COOLLY.

Old Gent. "NOW, THEN, CABMAN, HOW MUCH TO THE STRAND?"

Cabman. "SIX SHILLIN'!"

Old Gent. "THAT'S TOO MUCH."

Cabman. "WELL: WHAT YOU PLEASE! IT'S TOO HOT TO DISPUTE ABOUT TRIFLES."

DID YOU EVER?

Old Gentleman (politely). "OH, CONDUCTOR! I SHALL FEEL GREATLY OBLIGED TO YOU IF YOU WOULD PROCEED, FOR I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT IN THE STRAND, AND I AM AFRAID I SHALL BE TOO LATE."

Conductor (slamming the door). "GO ON, JIM! HERE'S AN OLD COVE A CUSSIN AND A SWEARING LIKE ANY THINK!!!

PROPRIETY.

PERSONS REPRESENTED. SARAH-JANE. MATILDA.

Scene—Camblin Town.

Sarah-Jane. "OH! YOU 'ORRID DREADFUL STORY! I DIDN'T."

Matilda. "YOU DID NOW, FOR I SEE HIM. I SEE HIM KISS YER. AND HERE HAVE I BIN ENGAGED TO TOMMY PRICE FOR YEARS, AND NEVER SO MUCH AS WALKED ARM-IN-ARM WITH HIM!"

A COURT DRESS.

"OH! JUST AIN'T PEOPLE PROUD WHAT HAVE GOT PAIRASOLES!"

A VALUABLE ANIMAL.

Gentleman (fond of dogs). "SAGACIOUS? OH, VERY! WHY, HE NEVER SEES AN OLD GENTLEMAN, BUT HE PULLS OFF HIS HAT AND RUNS AWAY WITH IT. HE'LL FETCH A DUCK OFF A POND; AND HE'S SUCH A NOTION OF TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF THAT HE COSTS ME FULL A GUINEA A WEEK FOR THE LEGS OF MUTTON HE STEALS."

CRUEL!

Snob. "'AVE A CIGAR, COACHEE?"

Swell Busman. "NO, THANKEE—I ONLY SMOKE TOBACCER!"

FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.

Policeman. "HA! THAT'S THE WAY YOU DRINK THE BEER WHEN YOU'RE SENT OF A HERRAND?"

Genius. "AND THE RIGHT WAY TOO—AIN'T IT?"

THE JOYS OF OCEAN.

Smith. "WELL, BROWN! THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING STEWED UP IN A RAILWAY! EH?"

Brown (faintly). "OH—IM-MEASURABLY SU-PERIOR."

UNFEELING OBSERVATION.

Vulgar Little Boy. "OH, LOOK HERE, BILL! HERE'S A POOR BOY BIN AND HAD THE HINFLUENZA, AND NOW HE'S BROKE OUT ALL OVER BUTTONS AND RED STRIPES."

IN FOR IT.

"HALLO, SIR! ARE YOU AWARE YOU'RE TRESPASSING THERE?"

ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY PIE.

Little Boy. "OH, LOR, MAR, I FEEL JUST EXACTLY AS IF MY JACKET WAS BUTTONED."

VERY FINE FRUIT.

Newspaper Boy (reads). "A GENTLEMAN IN THE N-E-I-G-H—NEIGHBOURHOOD OF——, HAS AT THE PRESENT TIME SEVERAL E-NORMOUS GOOSEBERRIES IN HIS GARDEN, WHICH MEASURE TEN INCHES IN C-I-R-CIR C-U-M-CUM F-E-R-FER E-N-C-E-ENCE CIRCUMFERENCE, AND ARE OF THE A-S-AS ASTON ASTONISHING WEIGHT OF THREE HOUNCES HEACH."

His Friend. "OH, WHAT WHOPPERS! WOULDN'T I LIKE A PINT!"

A PHILOSOPHER.

Harriet. "ST! ST! ST! DEAR ME, NOW, I'VE BROKEN MY COMB, AND ALL MY BACK HAIR'S COME DOWN. WHAT WITH BRUSHING, AND DRESSING, AND CURLING, AND ONE THING AND THE OTHER, WHAT A PLAGUE ONE'S HAIR IS TO BE SURE!"

Young Fellow. "WELL, HARRIET, WE ARE ALL BOTHERED WITH SOMETHING. LOOK AT US MEN; WE HAVE TO SHAVE EVERY MORNING, SUMMER AND WINTER!"

MATERNAL SOLICITUDE.

Mamma. "GEORGINA! GEORGINA!"

Georgina. "WELL, MA. HOW YOU DO FIDGET ONE!" Mamma. "SHOULDERS, MY LOVE; SHOULDERS! PRAY HOLD YOURSELF UP. YOU'RE STOOPING AGAIN DREADFULLY."

FANCY PORTRAIT.

THE INDIVIDUAL WHO SENDS A FIFTY-POUND NOTE FOR UNPAID INCOME-TAX TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.

VERY FINE TALKING!

"NOW, THEN, SIR, JUMP UP ON THE ROOF, AND LOOK SHARP, PLEASE, SIR, HERE'S T'OTHER BUS A-COMING."

HOW TO SUIT THE TASTE.

Waiter. "GENT IN NO. 4 LIKES A HOLDER AND A THINNER WINE, DOES HE? I WONDER HOW HE'LL LIKE THIS BIN?"

MAKING THE MOST OF IT.

AN AFFAIR OF IMPORTANCE.

Harriet. "OH! I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE COME, BLANCHE! I'VE BEEN SO PERPLEXED I COULD SCARCELY SLEEP ALL NIGHT."

Blanche. "WELL! WHAT IS IT, DEAR?"

Harriet. "WHY, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HAVE MY NEW MERINO FROCK VIOLET OR DARK BLUE!"

A LONDON GENT ABROAD.

Scene—A Café in Paris.

London Gent. "GARCONG! TAS DE CORFEE!"

Garçon. "BIEN, M'SIEU'—VOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ZEE 'TIMES'?"

London Gent. "HANG THE FELLER! NOW, I WONDER HOW THE DOOSE HE FOUND OUT I WAS AN ENGLISHMAN!"

SYMPTOMS OF WET WEATHER.

Tom. "HOLLO, SAM, WHAT THE JUICE ARE YOU CARRYING OF?"

Sam. "'CLARISSA ARLO,' FOR MISSIS."

PITY THE SORROWS OF THE POOR POLICE.

"LOR, SOOSAN! HOW'S A FELLER TO EAT MEAT SUCH WEATHER AS THIS? NOW, A BIT O' PICKLED SALMON AND COWCUMBER, OR A LOBSTER SALAD MIGHT DO."

THE DERBY EPIDEMIC.

GENTLEMEN,

OWING TO SUDDEN AND VERY SEVERE INDISPOSITION, I REGRET TO SAY THAT I SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND THE OFFICE TO-DAY. I HOPE, HOWEVER, TO BE ABLE TO RESUME MY DUTIES TO-MORROW.

I AM, GENTLEMEN,
YOURS VERY OBEDIENTLY,
PHILIP COX.

HOW TO GET RID OF A GRATIS PATIENT.

"SO YOU'VE TAKEN ALL YOUR STUFF, AND DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER, EH? WELL, THEN, WE MUST ALTER THE TREATMENT; YOU MUST GET YOUR HEAD SHAVED; AND IF YOU WILL CALL HERE TO-MORROW ABOUT ELEVEN, MY PUPIL HERE WILL PUT A SETON IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK."

THE FISH DINNER.

"THE WHITEBAIT SEEM VERY LARGE, WAITER?"

"YES, SIR; VERY FINE AT PRESENT, SIR."

A HIGHLAND GAME IN A LONDON STREET.

PORTRAIT OF THE BOY WHO WON THE PRIZE FOR "PUTTING A STONE" THROUGH A WINDOW.

PRODIGIOUS!

Schoolmistress. "YOU SEE, MY LOVE—IF I PUNCTURE THIS INDIA-RUBBER BALL IT WILL COLLAPSE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Child. "OH, YES, I UNDERSTAND—IF YOU PRICK IT, IT WILL GO SQUASH."

BLESS THE BOY!

Old Lady. "NOW, ARTHUR, WHICH WILL YOU HAVE? SOME OF THIS NICE PUDDING, OR SOME JAM TART?"

Juvenile. "NO PASTRY, THANK-YE, AUNT. IT SPOILS ONE'S WINE SO. I DON'T MIND A DEVILLED BISCUIT, THO', BY-AND-BY, WITH MY CLARET."

(Old Lady turns all manner of colours.

HOOKING AND EYEING.

Angelina (the Wife of his Bussum). "WELL, EDWIN, IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THE 'THINGS,' AS YOU CALL THEM, MEET, YOU NEED NOT SWEAR SO. IT'S REALLY QUITE DREADFUL."

A GAY YOUNG FELLOW.

Young Rapid. "YOU ARE QUITE SURE THIS IS THE CORRECT DRESS FOR A YOUNG FELLOW OF THAT PERIOD, EH?"

Mr. Noses. "OH, PERFECTLY CORRECT, SIR; AND REALLY LOOKS SPLENDID ON YER!"

"DE GUSTIBUS," &c., &c.

Snip. "THAT'S A SWEET THING FOR A WAISTCOAT, SIR, AND WOULD LOOK UNCOMMON WELL UPON YOU, SIR!"

JEALOUSY.

Betrothed (who does not dance the Polka). "I SHOULD LIKE TO PUNCH HIS HEAD—A CONCEITED BEAST!"

SPECULATORS.

"THIS AIN'T SUCH A WERRY BAD IDEA, IS IT, JIM? HERE'S THE GREAT DIDDLESEX WRITES TO ME FOR FIVE BOB ON A HUNDRED AN' FIFTY SHARES; AND, TO SAVE TROUBLE, VANTS THE NAME OF MY SOLICITUR."

A PROFESSIONAL MAN.

Medical Student. "WELL, OLD FELLOW, SO YOU'VE 'PASSED' AT LAST."

Consulting Surgeon. "YES; BUT I DON'T GET MUCH PRACTICE, SOMEHOW—ALTHOUGH I AM NEARLY ALWAYS AT HOME, IN CASE ANY ONE SHOULD CALL."

INTERESTING SCENE DURING THE CANVASS FOR MR. ——. NOT A HUNDRED MILES FROM ——.

Wife of Free and Independent. "OH! AIN'T HE A HAFFABLE GENTLEMAN, TUMMUS?"

Free and Independent. "AH! JUST AIN'T 'UN. I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF I WARN'T ABLE TO PAY MY RENT TO-MORRER!"

MURDER WILL OUT.

Mrs. Smith. "IS MRS. BROWN IN?"

Jane. "NO, MEM, SHE'S NOT AT HOME."

Little Girl. "OH! WHAT A HORRID STORY, JANE! MA'S IN THE KITCHEN, HELPING COOK!"

DOING A LITTLE BILL.

"YOU SEE, OLD BOY, IT'S THE MEREST FORM IN THE WORLD. YOU HAVE ONLY TO—WHAT THEY CALL—ACCEPT IT, AND I'LL FIND THE MONEY WHEN IT COMES DUE."

Victim. "COME ALONG—GIVE US THE PEN."

A PLEASANT STREET GAME.

Old Gent. "CONFOUND THE BOYS AND THEIR TOPS! WHERE ARE THE POLICE?"

SOMETHING LIKE A HOLIDAY.

Pastrycook. "WHAT HAVE YOU HAD, SIR?"

Boy. "I'VE HAD TWO JELLIES, SEVEN OF THEM, AND ELEVEN OF THEM, AND SIX OF THOSE, AND FOUR BATH BUNS, A SAUSAGE ROLL, TEN ALMOND CAKES, AND A BOTTLE OF GINGER BEER."

GREAT WANT OF VENERATION.

Puer loquitur. "I SAY LOBSTER, SHALL I GO AND FETCH YOU A CAB?"

DOMESTIC BLISS.

Paterfamilias. "I CANNOT CONCEIVE, MY LOVE, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH MY WATCH; I THINK IT MUST WANT CLEANING."

Pet Child. "OH, NO! PAPA DEAR! I DON'T THINK IT WANTS CLEANING, BECAUSE BABY AND I HAD IT WASHING IN THE BASIN FOR EVER SO LONG THIS MORNING!"

THE FASHIONS.

A FRIENDLY HINT TO YOUNG LADIES WHO WEAR THOSE DEAR DELIGHTFUL BARÈGE DRESSES. ALWAYS LET THE SLIP (OR WHATEVER THE MYSTERIOUS GARMENT IS CALLED) BE AS LONG AS THE OUTER DRESS!

INNOCENCE.

"OH, SIR! NO, SIR! PLEASE, SIR, IT AIN'T ME, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER BOYS, SIR!"

UNLUCKY.

"VAT'S THE MATTER, EH?"

"OH, THERE'S ALWAYS A SOMETHINK! VY, I'VE BIN AND LEFT MY HOPERA-GLASS IN A CAB NOW."

EVENING PARTIES.

"BILL, YOU GOES OUT A GOOD DEAL.—TELL US, IS IT THE KERRECT THING TO TAKE ONE'S 'AT INTO A HEVENING PARTY?"

A DELICIOUS MORSEL.

Jacky. "HALLO, TOMMY! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?"

Tommy. "HOYSTER."

Jacky. "OH! GIVE US A BIT."

DIFFERENT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS.

Flunkey. "APOLLO? HAH! I DESSAY IT'S VERY CHEAP, BUT IT AIN'T MY IDEER OF A GOOD FIGGER!"

OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES.

Small Briton. "THE FRENCH INVADE US, INDEED! AND WHAT SHOULD WE BE ABOUT ALL THE TIME?—WHY, WE SHOULD RISE LIKE ONE MAN!"

GENTEEL PRACTICE.

Apprentice. "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, SHALL I FILL UP MRS. TWADDLE'S DRAUGHTS WITH WATER?"

Practitioner. "DEAR, DEAR ME, MR. BUMPS, HOW OFTEN MUST I MENTION THE SUBJECT? WE NEVER USE WATER—Aqua destillata, IF YOU PLEASE!"

THE GOOD LITTLE BOY.

Bathing Woman. "MASTER FRANKY WOULDN'T CRY! NO! NOT HE!—HE'LL COME TO HIS MARTHA, AND BATHE LIKE A MAN!"

MAL-APROPOS.

Gentleman (in Shower-Bath). "HOLLO! HOLLO! WHO'S THERE? WHAT THE DEUCE DO YOU WANT?"

Maid. "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, HERE'S THE BUTCHER, AND MISSUS SAYS WHAT WILL YOU HAVE FOR DINNER TO-DAY?"

WE ALL HAVE OUR TROUBLES.

Sister Mary. "WHY, CHARLEY, DEAR BOY, WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU SEEM QUITE MISERABLE!"

Charley. "AH! AIN'T I JUST! HERE'S MA' SAYS I MUST WEAR TURN-DOWN COLLARS TILL CHRISTMAS, AND THERE'S YOUNG SIDNEY BOWLER (WHO'S NOT HALF SO TALL AS I AM) HAS HAD STICK-UPS AND WHITE CHOKERS FOR EVER SO LONG!"

THE RULING PASSION.

"NOW, TELL ME, DEAR, IS THERE ANYTHING NEW IN THE FASHIONS?"

NOTHING LIKE WARM BATHING.

"HOLLO! HI! HERE! SOMEBODY! I'VE TURNED ON THE HOT WATER, AND I CAN'T TURN IT OFF AGAIN!"

PROPER PRIDE.

A SKETCH AT A RAILWAY STATION.

JUST THE MAN.

"PLEASE, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYBODY TO KEEP ORDER ON THESE HERE HUSTINGS ON POLLING DAY?"

A REGULAR CUSTOMER.

"HA'PENNY CANDLE, PLEASE, AND BE QUICK, FOR MOTHER WANTS HER TEA."

"OH, YES, OF COURSE, MISS; COULD WE SEND IT ANYWHERE FOR YER?"

ALARMING INTELLIGENCE.

Swell Mobsman (reads). "'ARRANGEMENTS ARE MAKING TO CONNECT ALL THE POLICE OFFICES WITH THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH.' WELL, I HAM BLOWED!"

TAKING CHANGE.

Conductor. "ALL RIGHT, JIM. PUSH ALONG, I'VE SERVED THE OLD GAL OUT THIS TIME."

Old Lady. "HERE, STOP! CONDUCTOR! I WON'T TAKE CHANGE FOR A FIVE-SHILLING PIECE IN HALF-PENCE—THAT I WON'T! HERE, POLICE! CONDUCTOR!" &C.

THE INTERESTING STORY.

First Ticket Porter. "AND SO, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALL I KNOWS ABOUT IT."

Second Ticket Porter. "WELL! I DON'T KNOW AS EVER I KNOWED A MAN AS KNOWS AS MUCH AS YOU KNOWS."

MUCH TOO CONSIDERATE.

Robinson. "THERE, BROWN, MY BOY, THAT'S AS FINE A GLASS OF WINE AS YOU CAN GET ANYWHERE."

Mrs. Brown. "A-HEM! AUGUSTUS, MY DE-AR. YOU ARE SURELY NEVER GOING TO TAKE PORT WINE? YOU KNOW IT NEVER AGREES WITH YOU, MY LOVE!"

GALLANTRY.

LA MODE.

Gus (who is always so full of his nonsense). "DASH MY BUTTONS, ELLEN! THAT'S A STUNNING WAISTCOAT. I WISH YOU'D GIVE US YOUR TAILOR'S ADDRESS."

Ellen. "DON'T YOU BE RUDE, SIR—AND TAKE YOUR ARMS OFF THE PIANO."

A FASHION IN PINS.

"A PIN FOR YOUR SCARF, SIR? HERE'S AN ARTICLE WE HAVE SOLD A GREAT MANY OF."

No. IX.

ENVELOPE CONTAINING THE BUILDER'S LITTLE ACCOUNT AGAINST MR. BRIGGS—MUCH TOO SERIOUS TO JEST UPON.

No. X.

THE UNSETTLED STATE OF THE HOUSE FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS HAS SO DISORDERED BRIGGS, THAT HIS MEDICAL ADVISER RECOMMENDS A LITTLE HORSE EXERCISE BY WAY OF A CHANGE, AND HIS EQUESTRIAN PLEASURES BEGIN.

SOMETHING LIKE A BROTHER.

Flora. "THAT'S A VERY PRETTY WAISTCOAT, EMILY!"

Emily. "YES, DEAR. IT BELONGS TO MY BROTHER CHARLES. WHEN HE GOES OUT OF TOWN HE PUTS ME ON THE FREE-LIST, AS HE CALLS IT, OF HIS WARDROBE. ISN'T IT KIND?"

A DUMB WAITER.

Old Gentleman. "WHAT THE DEUCE IS THE REASON, SIR, YOU DON'T ANSWER WHEN YOU ARE CALLED?"

(The reason is obvious. The poor child has his mouth full of green peas and jam tart.)

THE LOST ONE.

Boy. "IF YOU PLEASE, M', WAS YOU A LOOKING FOR A LITTLE DOG?"

Young Ladies. "YES! OH, YES!"

Boy. "WAS IT A SPANNEL, MUM?"

Young Ladies. "OH, YES! A MOST BEAUTIFUL LITTLE SPANIEL, WITH VERY LONG EARS."

Boy. "AH, THEN, MUM, IT'S THE SAME AS FLEW AT MASTER'S BIG DOG HERE, WOT'S BIN AND SWALLERED OF IT."

POP.

APPALLING RESULT OF INCAUTIOUSLY TAKING TOO MUCH SODA TO CORRECT ACIDITY.

REAL ENJOYMENT.

Annie. "GOOD-BYE, DEAR, YOU MUST COME AGAIN SOON, AND SPEND A GOOD LONG DAY, AND THEN I CAN SHOW YOU ALL MY NEW THINGS."

Clara. "OH! THAT WILL BE NICE! GOOD-BYE, DEAR." (Kiss and exit.)

THE RISING GENERATION.

Clever Juvenile (loq.). "SHAKSPEARE? POOH! FOR MY PART I CONSIDER SHAKSPEARE A MUCH OVER-RATED MAN."

AN EXCELLENT WINE.

"THE BEST OF CLARET IS, THAT YOU MAY DRINK ANY (hic) QUANTITY YOU LIKE, WITHOUT FEELING ILL."

WHAT IS THIS?

QUITE A NEW SENSATION FOR THE LUXURIOUS, ON COLD MORNINGS. "USE HOT WATER, AND LOOK AT YOUR SHOWER-BATH!"

DOMESTIC BLISS.

Time, half-past three; thermometer 30°.

William. "WHAT A VIOLENT RINGING THERE IS AT THE STREET-DOOR BELL!"

Maria. "OH! I KNOW WHAT IT IS, DEAR. IT'S THE SWEEPS· AND I DARE SAY THE GIRLS DON'T HEAR. JUST RUN UP AND KNOCK AT THEIR ROOM DOOR."

MEN OF BUSINESS.

MONEY.—WANTED FROM £300 TO £400 TO BRING FORWARD AN ARTICLE THAT MUST IN A FEW YEARS REALISE A HANDSOME FORTUNE TO THE PROPRIETORS. TO ANY YOUNG MAN WHO IS NOT OF BUSINESS HABITS, WITH THE ABOVE SUM AT COMMAND, THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR INVESTMENT SELDOM MET WITH. REFERENCES EXCHANGED.—NO PROFESSED MONEY-LENDER NEED APPLY.