THE LAST ALTERATION.
Small Boy. "OH, AIN'T IT A SHAME! THEY'RE A-GOING TO TAKE OFF THEM POOR COVES' BOOTS AND COATS, AND PUT 'EM ON FROCKS AND TROWSERS."
BATTLE OF THE HYDE PARK.
GALLANT AND DARING ACT OF PRIVATE LOBBS (OF THE CRUSHERS), WHO, BY HIMSELF, STORMED AN OLD TREE, AND VERY NEARLY CAPTURED THREE SMALL BOYS.
BLIND WITH RAGE.
Huntsman (riding furiously over a fence to a Scarecrow). "* * * * * * * *—YOU GREAT FOOL, WHAT THE DEUCE DO YOU STAND POINTING THERE FOR?—WHY DON'T YOU HOLLER OUT WHICH WAY THE FOX BE GONE? BLOWED IF I DON'T CUT YOU INTO BITS!"
A NOTION OF PLEASURE.
Boy. "OH, COME HERE, TOMMY!—HERE'S SUCH A LOT O' GRAINS BIN SHOT DOWN HERE! LET'S TURN 'EAD OVER 'EELS IN 'EM!"
PRECOCITY.
Youth. "HERE'S A NUISANCE, NOW! BLOWED IF I AIN'T LEFT MY CIGAR-CASE ON MY DRESSING-ROOM TABLE, AND THAT YOUNG BROTHER OF MINE WILL HAVE ALL MY BEST REGALIAS!"
PRACTICAL SCIENCE.
Grandmamma. "WELL, CHARLEY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN LEARNING TO-DAY?"
Charley. "PNEUMATICS, GRAN'MA!—AND I CAN TELL YOU SUCH A DODGE!—IF I WAS TO PUT YOU UNDER A GLASS RECEIVER, AND EXHAUST THE AIR, ALL YOUR WRINKLES WOULD COME OUT AS SMOOTH AS GRANDPAPA'S HEAD!"
AN INDISCRETION.
Fascinating Gent (to precocious Little Girl). "YOU ARE A VERY NICE LITTLE GIRL; YOU SHALL BE MY WIFEY WHEN YOU GROW UP!"——
Little Girl. "NO, THANK YOU; I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A HUSBAND; BUT AUNT BESSY DOES. I HEARD HER SAY SO!"
[Sensation on the part of Aunt Bessy.
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
Schoolboy (to Farmer who has come out to protect his fields). "NOW THEN, OLD TURNIP-TOPS! WARE WHEAT!"
THE COURSE OF TRUE, &c., NEVER DID, &c.
HERE'S POOR YOUNG WIGGLES ANXIOUS TO MEET THE BEING HE ADORES, BUT CANNOT DO SO, BECAUSE THE NEWLY-PITCHED BOAT UPON WHICH HE HAS BEEN SITTING, HAS CAUGHT HIM ALIVE, O!
THE EXPANSE OF FASHION.
Chair Proprietor. "WOULD YOU PLEASE TO PAY FOR THE CHEERS, MUM?"
Lady. "HOW MUCH?"
Chair Proprietor. "WELL, MUM—HOW MANY MIGHT YOU BE A SITTIN' ON?"
IN THE WITCHING TIME OF LIFE.
SOME LIKE ONE THING, AND SOME ANOTHER—FOR EXAMPLE, JACK LIKES A BLOW ON THE NORTH CLIFF——
SISTERLY LOVE.
Papa. "THERE, THERE! MY LITTLE POPPET! DON'T CRY! DON'T CRY!—IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE THE MEASLES, YOU WILL SOON BE WELL AGAIN, I HOPE. THERE, THERE!"
Blanche (sobbing violently). "I—I—I—I'M NOT CRYING, PAPA, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE THE MEASLES; BUT BECAUSE I—I—I—THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO RIDE MARY'S PONY ALL THE TIME SHE WAS ILL, AND NOW I SHAN'T!"
A DOMESTIC EXTRAVAGANZA.
Mamma. "WHY, GOOD GRACIOUS, NURSE! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ADOLPHUS! HE LOOKS VERY ODD!"
Nurse. "AND WELL HE MAY, MUM! FOR HE THOUGHT THE COLOURED BALLS IN MISS CHARLOTTE'S NEW GAME OF SOLITAIRE WAS BULL'S EYES, AND HE'S SWALLOWED EVER SO MANY OF 'EM."
A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS.
BY BREATHING ON THE GLASS—AND HOLDING A SPEAKING DOLL BY WAY OF BABY TO THE WINDOW—YOU MAY GENERALLY KEEP YOUR COMPARTMENT SELECT.
A SEA-SIDE DIALOGUE.
"HOLLO, JIMMY!—WHERE ARE YOU A-GOING WITH YOURN?"
"HESPLANADE!—WHERE BE YOU?"
"PROSPEC PLACE!"
[Exit Companions of the Bath.
A QUID PRO QUO.
Small Boy (to prodigious Swell). "I SAY, MISTER, KETCH MY DONKEY, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP—I'LL DO THE SAME FOR YOU ANOTHER TIME!"
TOUCHING APPEAL.
Testy Old Gent (wearied by the importunities of the Brighton Boatman). "CONFOUND IT, MAN! DO I LOOK AS IF I WANTED A BOAT?"
A DELICIOUS DIP.
Bathing Attendant. "HERE, BILL! THE GENT WANTS TO BE TOOK OUT DEEP—TAKE 'IM INTO THE DRAIN!"
A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD.
OLD DIPPS DECLARES THEY MANAGE SEA-BATHING BETTER IN FRANCE, AND THAT WHEN HE IS AT BO-LONG, HE DOES AS BO-LONG DOES—WELL! THAT'S A MATTER OF TASTE!
MISPLACED INTELLIGENCE.
Mamma. "WHY, TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT NASTY DUST-PAN AND BROOM?"
Tom. "BROTHER FRED TOLD ME TO BRING IT IN AND SWEEP UP ALL THE H'S MRS. MOPUS HAD DROPPED ABOUT!"
[N.B. Great Expectations from Mrs. M.
SCENE: GREENWICH.
Senior Party. "DOG CART! GOOD GRACIOUS! BUT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO DRIVE?"
Junior Party. "NOT GOING A—DWIVE? WHY NOT GOING A—DWIVE? JUS—AIN'T I, THO'?"
[The last train has gone, and the Senior Party under the impression that the vehicle was a brougham, has accepted the offer of a lift to town.
SHOCKING RESULT OF WEARING INDIA-RUBBER GOLOSHES.
YOUNG JACK ROBINSON SEES WHAT HE IMAGINES TO BE THE IMPRESSION OF HIS DARLING'S FOOT—HE MENTALLY EJACULATES, "BEETLE-CRUSHER, BY JOVE!" AND FLIES TO OTHER CLIMES.
A HAVEN OF REFUGE.
THINGS ARE SO BAD IN THE CITY, THAT MR. SNAFFLE AND MR. FLUKER GO TO BOULOGNE FOR CHANGE AND AIR.
TOO BAD, BY JOVE!
Heavy Swell. "DEUCED STUPID—THESE NEWSPAPERS!"
Lady (with keen perception of the ludicrous). "YES, CHARLES!—ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SAY THAT A DISMOUNTED DRAGOON IS ABOUT AS EFFECTIVE AS A SWAN ON A TURNPIKE ROAD!"
HEARTLESS PRACTICAL JOKE.
Charlotte. "HERE THEY COME, BLANCHE. LET US PRETEND WE DON'T RECOLLECT THEM."
SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S. ——
"I SAY, WHY AM I LIKE THE QUEEN'S CHIEF COOK? DO YOU GIVE IT UP?"
"YES."
"BECAUSE I AM IN A HIGH COOL-AND-AIRY (culinary) POSITION."
[Astonished Cadet nearly falls from the yard.
A BYE-DAY AT EASTER.
Youth (quite at home for the holidays). "NOW, LOOK HERE, OLD BOY; IF THE FOX BREAKS AT THIS CORNER, DON'T YOU HOLLER TILL HE GETS WELL AWAY!"—(N.B. The old Nimrod is the MASTER himself.)
A GREAT PLAGUE IN LIFE.
PATERFAMILIAS, WHOSE PET AVERSION IS STREET MUSIC, GOES TO THE SEA-SIDE, HOPING TO ESCAPE FROM THE NUISANCE, HE IS AT BREAKFAST,—BEAUTIFUL VIEW, NEW-LAID EGG, &c., &c.—WHEN——
DREADFUL FOR YOUNG OXFORD.
Lady. "ARE YOU AT ETON?"
Young Oxford. "AW, NO!—I'M AT OXFORD!"
Lady. "OXFORD! RATHER A NICE PLACE, IS IT NOT?"
Young Oxford. "HUM!—HAW! PRETTY WELL, BUT THEN I CAN'T GET ON WITHOUT FEMALE SOCIETY!"
Lady. "DEAR! DEAR! PITY YOU DON'T GO TO A GIRLS' SCHOOL, THEN!"
WONDERFUL INTELLIGENT CHILD.
---- "ROSE, WILL YOU HAVE SOME DINNER?"
Rose. "HAVE HAD MY DINNER."
---- "WHAT HAVE YOU HAD FOR YOUR DINNER?"
Rose. "SOMETHING THAT BEGINS WITH AN S!"
---- "AND WHAT BEGINS WITH AN S?"
Rose. "COLD BEEF!"
AN INJURED INDIVIDUAL.
Simkins (who has missed his bird, but peppered WILKINS). "THERE, NOW, I'VE A DOOCED GOOD MIND TO SAY THAT I'LL NEVER COME OUT SHOOTING WITH YOU AGAIN—YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTING IN THE WAY!"
THE MOORS. GRATIFYING—VERY!!
ON ARRIVING AT THE BEST PART OF YOUR SHOOTING, YOU FIND THOSE AMIABLE TOURISTS, THE NOBBS'S, HAVE BEEN OVER THE GROUND A GOOD DEAL. AS THE BIRDS ARE WILD, YOUR SPORT IS NOT MUCH IMPROVED THEREBY. NOBBS, JUNIOR, MAY BE OBSERVED TAKING IN THE "OBJECTS OF INTEREST" WITH HIS TELESCOPE.
FRIENDLY BADINAGE.
Cabby. "NOW, JOHN! WHEN YOU'VE DONE CLEANING THEM KNIVES BEHIND, JUST CLEAN THAT OLD SPOON ON THE BOX, AND LET'S COME BY!"
THE NOBLE SCIENCE.
TOMKINS AND HIS FRIEND (WHO HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT) CONGRATULATE THEMSELVES ON FALLING IN WITH THE SQUIRE'S SECOND HORSEMAN, WHO IS SURE TO BRING THEM BY A LINE OF GATES TO THE HOUNDS AGAIN—AND SO HE DOES, ONLY—THE LAST OF THE GATES IS LOCKED, AND OVER WHICH HE "HOPS LIKE A BIRD!"
THE VERY THING.
Dealer. "I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY THE OSS YOU WANT, SIR—ABOUT FIFTEEN-TWO—GOOD SHOULDER, LIGHT HEAD AND NECK—WELL RIBBED UP—TAIL WELL SET ON, GOOD FLAT LEGS—PLENTY OF BONE——"
Gent (delighted). "YA-AS——"
Dealer. "NO SHY ABOUT HIM. A GOOD GOER, HIGH COURAGED, BUT TEMPERATE—TO CARRY HIS OWN HEAD, NICE MOUTH, AND SWEET TEMPER—FOR ABOUT FIVE-AND-TWENTY PUND!"
Gent (in ecstacy). "THE VERY THING."
Dealer. "HAH! THEN DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET IT?"
[GENT subsides.
PLEASURES OF SPORT.
THE NEXT BEST THING TO KEEPING YOUR OWN HUNTERS, IS, TO HIRE "MADE HORSES," THAT THOROUGHLY KNOW THEIR BUSINESS.
THE OLD GENTLEMAN HAS HAD A LONG MILE, AND TENDERS THE LEGAL FARE—SIXPENCE.
Cabby (with feigned surprise and delight). "WHAT, ALL—THIS—AT ONCE!!"
VERY ATTENTIVE.
Hard-riding Cornet (to Old Party, who is rather bothered by a Brook.) "DON'T MOVE, SIR! PRAY DON'T MOVE AND I'LL TAKE YOU OVER WITH ME"
NOTHING TO SPEAK OF!
Old Gent. "PRAY, MY GOOD MAN, WHAT IS THE MATTER?"
Confused Individual. "MATTER, SIR! GENLMN'S OSS RUN AWAY WITH A BROOM, SIR! NIVER SEE ANYTHINK LIKE IT IN ALL MY BORN DAYS! DOWN HE COMES THE 'ILL WITH THE SHARVES A-DANGLING ALL ABOUT HIS LEGS—KNOCKS A BUTCHER'S CART INTO A LINENDRAPER'S SHOP—BANGS AGIN A CARRIDGE AND PAIR, AND SMASHES THE PANEL ALL TO BITS—UPSETS A FEAYTON, AND IF HE 'ADN'T A-RUN UP AGIN THIS HERE CAB AND DASHED IT RIGHT OVER, AND STOPPED HISSELF, BLOWED IF I DONT THINK THERE'D A BIN SOME ACCIDENT!"
THRILLING DOMESTIC INCIDENT.
Master Alfred. "DON'T, BABY!—YOU'LL SPOIL IT. LEAVE GO, SIR! HERE, NURSE! HE'S SWALLOWING MY NEW WATCH!"
THE FAIR TOXOPHILITES.
Constance. "OH, MAMMA! I'M SO DELIGHTED! I HAVE JUST MADE THE BEST GOLD, AND WON THE BEAUTIFUL BRACELET GIVEN BY CAPTAIN RIFLES."
Lucy (disappointed). "WELL, CONSTANCE, I THINK YOU HAD BETTER NOT SAY MUCH ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW IT WAS A FLUKE! FOR YOU TOLD ME YOU ALWAYS SHOT WITH YOUR EYES SHUT, AS YOU FEEL SO VERY NERVOUS!"
HINT TO GENTLEMEN RIDING HOME AFTER DINNER.
NEVER CARRY "PATENT VESUVIENNES," 2d. A BOX, IN YOUR COAT-TAIL POCKET!
MR. BRIGGS, HAVING BECOME AN ADEPT IN THE ART OF HORSE-TAMING, OPERATES UPON A COLT HE HAS BRED HIMSELF, AND
AN UNINVITING PROSPECT.
A FRENCH FRIEND PAYS HIS FIRST VISIT TO ENGLAND, AND IS SHOWN THE GREAT METROPOLIS. HE IS PROFOUNDLY IMPRESSED BY OUR NOBLE REGENT STREET.
THE DEMON OF THE STREET.
THE FRIGHTFUL FIGURE THAT NEARLY TERRIFIED OLD FOGEY AND HIS WIFE OUT OF THEIR WITS—AND WHICH PROVED, AFTER ALL, TO BE ONLY AN ORDINARY MORTAL CARRYING ROASTED CHESTNUTS!
FOXHUNTING IN A FOG.
Wild Huntsman (in the distance). "ALL RIGHT, JACK! COME ALONG! CAN HEAR 'EM IN THE NEXT FIELD!"
IT'S THE EARLY BIRD THAT PICKS UP THE WORM.
Piscator. "THERE, THOMAS, YOU NOW SEE THE ADVANTAGE OF EARLY RISING. I HAVE GOT THE VERY BEST PLACE ON THE WATER, AND I'LL BE BOUND TO SAY THE OTHER SUBSCRIBERS ARE NOT OUT OF BED YET!"
F. M. PUNCH SYMPATHISES WITH THE POOR(!) ITALIAN ORGAN-GRINDER.
F. M. P. "THERE, MY MAN, IT'S A PITY A GREAT HULKING FELLOW LIKE YOU SHOULD TURN A HANDLE TO MAKE SUCH A NASTY NOISE! HERE'S AN INSTRUMENT FOR YOU! GO AND PLAY UPON IT IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY!"
DELICATE TEST.
Elevated Party. "A NEVER THINK A FL'EAR'S HAD T'MUSH WINE S'LONG AS A WINDSUP-ISH WASH!"
[Proceeds to perform that operation with corkscrew.
A WAKE IN THE MINING DISTRICTS.
J'moimer Ann. "HAS THEE FOWGHTEN, BILL?"
Bill. "NOOAH!"
J'moimer Ann. "THEN GET THEE FOWGHTEN, AND COOM WUM. DADDY GOT HIS'N DONE BY FOWER O'CLOCK!"
A BAD TIME FOR JOHN THOMAS.
Rude Boy. "I SAY, JACK, AIN'T HE A FINE UN?—D'YE THINK HE'S REAL, OR ONLY STUFFED?"
REMARKABLE CASE OF TABLE-TALKING.
Table (loquitur). "DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MUM—I'M NOT MAHOGANY, BUT I'M VENEERED AND SECOND-HAND."
[Table dances about on its legs for a considerable time, and vanishes in a blue flame.
THE FOUR-IN-HAND MANIA.
Hearse Driver (to Swell, who has just started a Team). "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT HEARING AS YOU HAD STARTED FOUR 'OSSES, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT A YOUNG MAN AS COULD BRING YOUR COACH UP TO THE DOOR AS IT 'AD OUGHT TO BE!"
TOUCHING.
Friend. "——AND WHAT BECOME OF HER?"
Buss Driver (with emotion). "WELL!—SHE WAS TOOK AWAY FROM ME—AND GOT INTO BAD HANDS, YER SEE—AND SOON WENT ALL TO PIECES.—DEAR! DEAR!—SHE WOS WERRY BEAUTIFUL!—SUCH A SHAPE! AND SUCH A LOVELY COLOUR! (Sighing.) HAH! I SHALL NEVER, NEVER, SEE—SUCH—ANOTHER—BUSS AGIN!"
SIX OF ONE AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER.
Miss Matilda to Miss Priscilla. "WELL, I'M SURE!—THE CREATURE NEEDN'T SIT THERE IN THAT DISGUSTING MANNER!"
AN EQUESTRIAN DIFFICULTY.
Mr. Sprat. "DON'T YOU THINK, MY LOVE, THAT THE GROOM, WHO UNDERSTANDS THESE THINGS, HAD BETTER PUT YOU UP?"
Mrs. Sprat (with indignation). "THE GROOM, MR. S! THE GROOM PUT ME UP! NO, SIR! PUT ME UP YOURSELF. A PRETTY HUSBAND YOU ARE! GROOM, INDEED!"
THE RACE FOR A BATHING MACHINE.
ALICE FIRST, CLARA SECOND, MISS TODDLES A BAD THIRD; AND THE REST NOWHERE!
RIVER FROLICS.
WHAT CAPITAL FUN IT IS SETTING TRIMMERS FOR JACK, AND ROWING AFTER THEM UNDER A BURNING SUN!—BUT WHY DOES NOT TOM HAUL UP THE ANCHOR?
THE WILL AND THE WAY.
MRS. POTTLES SEES NO REASON WHY SHE SHOULDN'T GO OUT ON THE ROOF OF HER HOUSE TO SEE THE FIREWORKS.
PREJUDICE.
Boy. "OH! LOOK 'ERE, BILL! 'ERE'S A BLOATED HARISTOCRAT. THERE'S NO ONE LOOKING. LET'S PUNCH HIS 'ED!"
THE COMET.
Master Tom. "I SAY, GRAN'MA, THIS IS A SAD JOB ABOUT THE COMET!"
Gran'ma. "GOOD GRACIOUS! WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
Master Tom. "WHY, HERE'S A LETTER IN THE PAPER SAYS,—'The particles of the tail, if thrown out from the head, having only, as before, the same rate of orbital motion as the head, and having larger and larger orbits to describe, the further they are removed from the head, will necessarily fall further and further behind as they recede from the comet, and thus form a curve independently of a resisting medium;' AND THAT, 'the panic-allaying doctrine of the tenuity of cometic nuclei cannot be maintained from the mere fact of their translucency.'"
VIVE LE SPORT!
English Friend (to Foreigner of distinction). "THE FOX HAS BROKE, AND GONE AWAY!"
Foreigner of distinction (who has been galloping about the rides to his immense satisfaction). "AHA! HE IS BROKEN, AND GONE AVAY! WHAT A PITY! ZEN I SUPPOSE IT IS ALL OVARE AND WE MUST GO HOME!"
CANDID.
Cook. "FINE DAY, MR. CHALKS!"
Mr. Chalks. "YES, COOKEY, IT'S A VERY FINE DAY! BUT IF WE HAVEN'T SOME RAIN SOON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE SHALL DO FOR MILK!"
FORTUNATE FELLOWS.
Stalwart Briton. "I TELL YER WHAT, BILL! WE OUGHT TO BE VERY THANKFUL WE'RE ENGLISHMEN, FOR WHETHER IT'S THE CLIMATE, OR WHETHER IT'S THEIR HABITS, JUST SEE HOW THOSE AMERICANS ARE DEGENERATING!"
NOT A PERSONAL ALLUSION.
Stout Gent. "DEAR! DEAR! SO HE HAS FORMED AN ATTACHMENT THAT YOU DON'T APPROVE OF! AH! WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. DEPEND UPON IT, MA'AM, THERE'S A SKELETON SOMEWHERE IN EVERY HOUSE!"
RETURNING FROM THE DERBY.
"AT LENGTH HE PRESENTED HIMSELF BUT IN SUCH A STATE THAT WE WERE OBLIGED TO TIE HIM ON THE BOX, AND I HAD TO RIDE HOME."—Extract from Letter to particular Friend.
AT EPSOM.
Excited Gentleman. "THEY'RE OFF!—THEY'RE OFF!"
Quiet Lady. "ARE THEY, DEAR? WON'T YOU HAVE SOME PIE?"
AN ABSENTEE.
"WHY ARE YOU ON THE CROSSING, JAMES? IS YOUR FATHER ILL?"
"NO. HE'S DROVE MOTHER DOWN TO HASCOT."
SELF-EXAMINATION.
Party (slightly influenced). "QUESHION ISH! AM I FIT TO GO INTODRAWINGROOM? LETSH SHEE!—I CAN SHAY GLORIUSH CONSHYSHUSN!—HAVE SEEN BRISH INSHYCHUSION—ALL THAT SORTOTHING—THATLEDO—HERE GOSH!"
THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT.
Old Mr. What's-his-name. "EGAD, I DON'T WONDER AT MOUSTACHES COMING INTO FASHION, FOR—EH! WHAT! BY JOVE, IT DOES IMPROVE ONE'S APPEARANCE!"
A FACT FROM THE NURSERY.
Nurse. "MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, MISS CHARLOTTE, YOU MUSTN'T PLAY WITH THOSE SCISSORS!"
Miss Charlotte. "I'M NOT PLAYING WITH 'EM, NURSE DEAR—I'M CUTTING 'ITTLE BRUDDER'S NAILS!"
A SUBURBAN DELIGHT.
Dark Party (with a ticket-of-leave, of course). "AX YER PARDON, SIR!—BUT IF YOU WAS A-GOING DOWN THIS DARK LANE, P'RAPS YOU'D ALLOW ME AND THIS HERE YOUNG MAN TO GO ALONG WITH YER—'COS YER SEE THERE AIN'T NO PERLICE ABOUT—AND WE'RE SO PRECIOUS FEARED O' BEIN' GAROTTED!"
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.
AS, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN YOU GET THE ASPARAGUS SHOT OVER YOUR FAVOURITE DRESS COAT WITH THE SILK FACINGS.
THE BRITISH JURYMAN PREPARING FOR THE WORST.
Wife of his Bussum. "THERE, MY LOVE, I THINK WITH WHAT YOU'VE HAD, AND THIS BOX OF CONCENTRATED LUNCHEON, YOU MAY HOLD OUT AGAINST ANY OF 'EM!"
A DISTRESSED AGRICULTURIST.
Landlord. "WELL, MR. SPRINGWHEAT, ACCORDING TO THE PAPERS, THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBABILITY OF A CESSATION OF HOSTILITIES."
Tenant (who strongly approves of War prices). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS! WHY, YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT THERE'S ANY DANGER OF PEACE!"
SOMETHING LIKE A HORSE-TAMER.
Stout Party (who weighs about ten sacks of flour and a cartload of bricks). "REALLY, NOW, AND SO YOU HAVE BEEN INITIATED, AND IT'S ALL RIGHT, EH? WELL, I CERTAINLY MUST TAKE SOME LESSONS, AND BECOME A HORSE-TAMER MYSELF!"
SPACIOUS ACCOMMODATION.
"THE WERRY FIRST THING AS EVER I DOES WHEN I GOES TO THE CHRISTIAL PALIS, IS GIT A CHEER!"
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
Master of the House. "OH, FRED, MY BOY—WHEN DINNER IS READY, YOU TAKE MRS. FURBELOW DOWNSTAIRS!"
A DOUBLE GAME.
GREAT CHESS MATCH (UPON THE MORPHY SYSTEM) BETWEEN MR. AND MRS. CASTLETOP AGAINST THEIR DAUGHTER BLANCHE AND HER INTENDED, YOUNG CHARLEY ROOKTON.
THE CIVIL CABMAN.
Cabby (to Old Party, who has been to the Crystal Palace). "WANT A CAB, SIR!—SORRY I'M ENGAGED, SIR!—WERRY 'APPY TO TAKE YOU NEXT WEEK!"