The fields with yello grain are wavy;
Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls,
And make the bukweat cry Peccavy.
HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER.
The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.
The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than reproved.
ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS.
Never swop hosses with a deakon—not if yu belong tew the same church he duz.
If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 dollars.
If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.
If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the trade untill next day.
Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.
Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a church.—they fatt very slo in a church.—this shows that they kant liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan.
Yures. Josh Billings
Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the proceshun.—
See if i dont. Josh Billings
Q.–Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel?
A.–They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had.
But for one thing I kant lend praze;
'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore,
When his old ram knokt him end waze.
HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER.
The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will hav black hair the rest of hiz days.
The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening, ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.
☛ TO LET. ☚
Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this advertising space hily reazonable.
Enquire of
Q.–Whare did Adam strike when he fell?
A.–On hiz kneeze, I hope.
Eat freely of pork and sassage;
Theze things kind Heaven givs to us,
Who in this world works our passage.
HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER.
The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach deth by a cirkuitous route.
She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife—(Kind Heaven! send us az menny ov this sort az convenient.)
ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS.
Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the offiss.
When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.
Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious.
Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz.
Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.
If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last year.
Q.–Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived?
A.–Lot's wife.
A wife waz she wuth having, too;
For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves,
Things round that hous begin tew flew.
HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER.
The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been playing the same game he haz—falling in love with every man she meets. They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.
The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.
SIMPLE REMIDIZ.
Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.
Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.
Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a kord.
Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.
Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.
Q.–How did robins git their name?
A.–By robin cherry-trees.
12 hours a day ends hiz labors,
Evenings pares apples for cider sass,
Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors.
AGRIKULTIBUSS.
1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.
2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want them tew turn up good.
3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce more chickens than they will tew plant them.
4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav weak eyes.
5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.
6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled fust, and thrasht afterwards.
7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too mutch water will drown out old rye.
8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.
SUM WEATHER.
SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.
The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.
Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal, with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.
PROBABILITIZ.
Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov the United States of America.
The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.
If they don't, du notiss will be giv.
In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.
JANUARY MISSCELLANY.
ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.
Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.
TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH.
Take one quart ov red cow's milk.
Strain all the water out ov the milk.
Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.
Ramify it well with white sugar.
Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.
Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.
(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)
The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a bizzness end to him.=
Respekfully, Josh Billings
The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time=
Josh Billings
Q.–What would be a good motto for a taylor?
A.–Let her rip.
Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2,
Hiz panterloons waz striped,
And hitched beneath hiz shu.
FEBUARY MISSCELLANY.
TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.
One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "bull necked."
PERSONALS.
Dear One.—Enklosed please find 10 Dollars—if you kan.
Richard.
Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav did.
Betsey.
Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the 8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz corned?—References exchanged.
Pedro.
Q.–Who fust struk ile?
A.–Joner.
A pedlar ov renoun,
He delt in tin ware and sitch,
And druv from toun tew toun.
MARCH MISSCELLANY.
CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.
Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet. Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.
WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN.
Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a purchaser by addressing Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O.
The goose must be broke tew eat grass.
One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.
If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.
What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.
Q.–Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times?
A.–Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts.
A trotting nag at that,
But now he waz a pelter,
And enny thing but phatt.
APRIL MISSCELLANY.
VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.
One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez, she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit. Hallelujah! for Virgo.
TO KONTRAKTORS.
The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.
Kontraktors must state their best offers.
Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.
The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.
The highest Bidder gits the worm.
Agents needn't applikate.
Q.–Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor?
A.–Bekauze he iz an old salt.
At every hous and shop,
Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze,
And then propoze tew swop.
MAY MISSCELLANY.
SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.
Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to change ends and go in that way.
FOUND.
A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak ov our hous, still butiful in death.
ALSO,
Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over the ackcident.
Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=
Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=
The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=
It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=
Q.–What iz a blunderbuss?
A.–Kissing the wrong woman.
Tin ware for rags, or brass,
Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans,
Wood bowls for apple sass.
JUNE MISSCELLANY.
KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.
Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.
LOST.
A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.
Q.–How menny skruples in one dram.
A.–This depends upon who takes the dram.
Piled hi with every kind
Ov dikker yu kould name,
Besides sumthin hitched behind.
JULY MISSCELLANY.
PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.
Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.
EPITAFF.
Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen,
Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince,
She couldn't be beat in mixen.
Her grace all lay in pi fixen,
Better sa i—go without pi,
Than wake up this old vixen.
Q.–What breed ov hens set the best?
A.–Thoze without leggs.
When Joel cum along,
The wimmin all tur ned out,
For swopping mity strong.
AUGUST MISSCELLANY.
AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.
Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell. He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other fluids i know.
EDUKASHIONAL.
CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.
Teacher. What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?
Skoller. A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth comb.
Teacher. To what genus duz the Kat belong?
Skoller. The musikal genius, they lay around daze, and chant around nites.
Teacher. Which iz the wizest fowl?
Skoller. The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.
Teacher. What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?
Skoller. Smelts sir.
Teacher. Class in botany may set down.
Q.–How menny geese duz it take to make a flok?
A.–One would satisfy me.
Basswood cheeze from Goshen,
Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile,
Waz sum ov Joels noshuns.
SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY.
SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.
Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for what I dont seem tew kno.
FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN.
A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount, hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had wackshination.
Enquire within.
I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=
no I dont, Josh Billings.=
The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.
When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.=
Excuse haste. Josh Billings
Q.–When duz a fly git badly stuck?
A.–When he fools with mollassis.
Joel waz a kunning kuss,
He could just turn to and swop
An old hoss dredful cluss.
OCTOBER MISSCELLANY.
LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES.
Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales, but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the anitomikal hoss.
THINGS THAT KAN BE DID.
One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass.
One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss.
One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice.
One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork.
One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt happiness.
One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90 daze.
Q.–Whi iz a lie called a yarn?
A.–Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted.
Ofttimes tew pla the fule,
So with Joel when he swopt
Horses for a balky mule.
NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY.
LEO, THE ZODIAK LION.
Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole human kritter.
EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR.
President. Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars?
Konduktor. Not mutch!
President. Do yu keep a trotter?
Konduktor. Not enny!
President. Hav yu enny dimond rings?
Konduktor. Nary!
President. Do yu own a fiteing dog?
Konduktor. Nothing ov the sort!
President. How much bank stock have yu got?
Konduktor. Not a red!
President. We shant want yu,—the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got done furnishing konduktors with these things.
Q.–What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise?
A.–They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since.
Worth ov honey in the comb,
Then got himself between the shafts,
And hauld the waggin home.
DECEMBER MISSCELLANY.
GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS.
I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the arms.
CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP.
Teacher. Which iz the most stubborist animile?
Skoller. The klam, he wont budge a bit!
Teacher. Who iz the most open gaited animile?
Skoller. The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate!
Teacher. Which iz the most sure footedest animile?
Skoller. The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph.
Teacher. Who iz the most foolishest animile?
Skoller. The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains.
Teacher. Class in metaphisicks may set down.
Q.–What iz the hardest thing a man kan do?
A.–Tend sumboddy else's baby.
And learn whi this waz sutch,
Joel dropt a tear, and sed,
"Hannah! I've swopt once tew mutch."
SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874.
Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking 3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, and will probably git his elekshun.
Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a one idee goose.
Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,—killing, probberbly.
Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth.
OIL OF KONSOLASHUN.
The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk Feminine Institoot.
Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M.
Medisin Book—Ugh!!
Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees.
Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun.
John Brace, L.L.D.
It's a big thing, bi Jupiter.
Billy Murdok.
How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!—How are yu Josh!
Doktor Blake.
Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing.
Sally Ann Sprauge.
ADAM BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger 2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise.