Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle.
Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.=
Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking stool, and go for the next Cow.=
Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings.
Tite Boots
Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots—they make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings.
Q.–What iz ginger pop?
A.–Gimnastic water.
A man ov small posseshion,
Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name,
A teacher bi profeshun.
ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "Tare her down Sal," and sich dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin told. Funny. Mutch.
MORAL.
Q.– What iz man?
A.– Live dirt.
He meekly workt for others good,
And well he taught the distrik skool,
Boardin round the naborhood.
JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS.
HIS MEMORANDUM.
Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.
MORAL.
Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs,
Tew save expense, he oft would sett,
Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs.
Q.–What iz hash?
A.–A konfidense game.
And while the boys were playing,
Hurried, and swept the skool hous out,
And dun a little praying.
MELKISIDEK BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it. "An honest man iz the nobless work ov God." Good, aint it? Rather!
MORAL.
Ov the butterfly purswashun;
Happy with a nektie new,
Hero's ov sum small ockashun.
Q.–Define twins?
A.–2 mutch.
Not a friend had Hezekiah,
The boys put pins into hiz chair,
And water in hiz hair diah.
SOLOMAN BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.
MORAL.
Than all the chunks that chunky ar.
Josh Billings Ultimatum.
The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it klean,—aint good for enny thing else.=
Jess so, Josh Billings.
Josh Billings, and the Bull.
Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale. Then yu kan let go when yu want to.=
Yure warm friend, Josh Billings
Q.–What iz ignorance?
A.–Raw happiness.
(How krewel and unphealling,)
For less than a bartender gits,
And nary chance for stealing.
DUTERONOMY BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.
MORAL.
And sum three-sided are,
'Tis mortal tuff tew find one
Who iz kompletely square.
Q.–Define the hen?
A.–A lay member.
He never fout agen it,
The very wuss that Hez' would kuss,
Waz the simple word KONDEMIT.
PORKANBEANS BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so.
MORAL.
Iz sumthing nice tew brag on,
I tried it once, and that's the time
I lost a horse—and waggon.
Q.–Pleaze defin a good wife?
A.–A silent partner in the consarn.
Ov biles he had a plenty,
But they were all one breed ov biles,
Leastwise 19 out ov twenty.
JAMAIKA BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.
MORAL.
Enny man tew go krazy,
Who alwuss took things setting down,
And kultivated hiz lazy.
Q.–What iz a cock loft
A.–A roosters hed.
Each boy's a bile uncommon,
And must a diffrent poultiss hav,
Tew git a hed upon em.
EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! Truly. How touchful! Really.
MORAL.
And duz all things up perpindikular.
(Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular.
Josh Billings, and the Twins. =
Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared, and that is.—twins.=
Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.
Josh Billings on the haff shell.=
The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=
Q.–Define honesty?
A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.
This man got, aint worth a kuss,
For 'twas PITTY,–and we all kno
PITTY iz but mild disguss.
LUKE BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.
MORAL.
Two things pestiverous,
I feel az tho' I'd like to say,
Good Lord! deliver us.
Q.–What iz a husband?
A.–Gander ov the ockashun.
Than offer me hiz pitty,
Hit me rite smart long side the hed,
For that mite make me gritty.
NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in 1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so.
MORAL.
But O! how delusiv and rash,
For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt,
Az doing a klean job in hash.
Q.–What iz pitty?
A.–Cheap charity.
Ten years, (krewel fate allass!)
Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph,
And be turned out tew grass.
MUSHANMILK BILLINGS.
HIS MEMORANDUM.
Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their ambishun waz the result ov vanity. Their honesty the effekt ov edukashun. Their charity, the luv ov novelty. Their philosophy, able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own; and their virteus generally, more the growth ov their pride than ov their humility. What a pitty! Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily.
MORAL.
Az mush,—rite hot, from out the kittle.
Q.–Define salt kodfish?
A.–Vittles and—drink.
The skoolmaster iz treated,
Like one we owe 50 dollars,
And wont admit we've cheated.
HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!
We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company.
Coonhollow Demokrat.
Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again.
Boston Pilgrim.
We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he who steals it, will finally die.
New Orleans Budget.
Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on.
Texas Daily Bandit.
Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on the run.
Lowell Examiner.
PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX.
"A pearl ov grate price."
Deakon Mozes Mills.
"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job."
Israel Pugh.
"Az konsise az a kambrik needle."
E. R. Dunkan.
"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back."
Ezra Fisk.
"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles."
Dokt. J. Munson.
"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it."
Widdo Jane Perkins.
"Tis too sweet for enny thing."
Miss Matilda Ann Brown.
"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, and koruskating generalitys."
John Mead, A. M.
HONESTY.
Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an Honest man haz been, and will be, "The noblest work of God." Pope's deskripshun ov an honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever haz been used.
A KARD.
A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,—full ov little things.
When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a jury.
The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,—but haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country=
Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings=
Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett a hen,—iz when the hen iz reddy.=
Try it—Josh Billings.=
Q.–What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture?
A.–The mile-stun nearest home.
Tho sno on the hard ground may lay,
And skuds for the nuze paper offiss,
To get his supply for the day.
GRIT.
Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.
ARGUMENTS.
It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the meazles.
Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz better ones in market than either ov them.
Q.–What's yure opinyun ov Rats?
A.–Poor.
He goes in for nonsense, and noize,
And strives to git hold ov hiz papers,
Before the rest ov the boys.
CHARITY.
Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,—i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time.
JESS SO.
All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride eazy.
One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate fiddler.
Q.–How's yure mother-in-law?
A.–Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures?
He's out in the sno, and the sleet,
And yells like a "brave" on the war path,
Az swiftly he runs thru the street.
FUN.
Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, 10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning.
HEAR YEE.
The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov.
Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint worth having.
Q.–What's yure favourite style of buty?
A.–Mi mother's.
Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry,
"Got the orfull smash up on the rale rode,"—
And a kuntryman stops him to buy.
EAZY BOOTS.
One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot.
HITS.
After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference.
Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to meazzure the worlds frailtys in.
Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.—I hav known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance to kik sumboddy= Josh Billings=
Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,—except sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.=
Yures respekfully. Josh Billings=
Q.–What's yure favourite flower?
A.–Buckwheat flour.
But our hero wont stand it no how,
So he pockets the kuntryman's munny,
And fixes himself for a row.
WOMAN.
Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam.
Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov trumps.
PRIVATE SENTIMENTS.
If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the other 15 ever learnt mutch or not.
Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be both.
Q.–What's yure favourite color?
A.–Blood bay.