And neither seems anxious to stop,
Till they are suddenly brought to their senses,
By a vigilant, fierce looking "cop."
POLITENESS.
What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud."
2 FAKTS.
The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law.
One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to beat him in politeness.
Q.–Who's yure favourite proze author?
A.–Noah Webster.
Whare both are krestfallen and meek,
And after a lektur on fiteing,
The kids are discharged by the "beak."
EGG NOGG.
Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while.
SUM OPINYUNS.
Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav mutch ov ennything left over.
I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to beleave them.
Q.–What's yure favourite perfume?
A.–Modesty.
But before their days work they renew,
Our hero remarks to hiz rival,
"Tommorow, I'll take kare ov yu."
FAITH.
Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from the daze ov Noah, down to now.
HOW IZ THIS?
Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier, he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for another.
The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see.
The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,—and probably for simular reazons.=
Funny, aint it, Josh Billings
Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie down together,—i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,—but i am still betting on the Lion.=
Truly, Josh Billings.
Q.–What's yure favourite amuzement?
A.–Sleeping.
Who ov a bad stamp would git free,
But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez,
"Yu kant kum that ere over me."
EKONEMY.
Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents, once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik, it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out 9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.
HARK!
Cunning men are like a hand saw,—they only hav teeth on one side ov them.
Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it.
Q.–Who's yure favourite painters?
A.–Sunrize and sunset.
To some cheap hash hous skampers away,
And after he calls for hiz luncheon,
He reckons his gains for the day.
HAM, AND EGG.
Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want, kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out, i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham, and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet.
TAKE NOTISS.
Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal.
Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git mad at.
Q.–What's yure idea ov happiness?
A.–Tite gluvs, and eazy boots.
He lies bak and snoozes a bit,
And when nite cums you'll find him enjoying,
A seat in the Bowery pit.
THE PISSMIRE.
The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for the whole krop.
REFLECKSHUNS.
If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents.
The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz the most onsartin sinner i kno ov.
Q.–Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse?
A.–Old Mother Hubbard.
Our hero remembers with pain,
That the plezzures ov life are but fleeting,
And he goes for hiz koal box again.
WHAT THE PAPERS THINK.
Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and genial, as dew to the parched earth.—London Speckletator.
It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.—Newburyport Guardian.
Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax," record of the past, bright promise of the future.—Savannah Amarinth.
How crisp! how tart!—London Queen.
Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current literature of the day.—Louisville Dispatch.
Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for loveing!—Lady's Journal.
We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.—Edinburgh Review.
It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.—Texas Blade.
LATEST NUZE.
Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line ov stages. Held for examinashun.
It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter seklushun on this ackount.
A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood.
On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.
We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons.
The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.
Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family.
THE DONKEY.
I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize. They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too. They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale, and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts, and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven image, you solid one, adew!
PONDER.
To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him sumtimes duz.
I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in.
I hav known men so pious that when they went out a fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk
a fakt, Josh Billings
The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the wuss for liquor,—but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.
Jess so Josh Billings
Q.–Who iz the meanest man?
A.–He who peeks thru a key hole.
Ov forty, perhaps ov forty-three,
With the dispepshy onto him,
Wuss than enny man yu ever see.
THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN.
Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that mankind to be happy, must be cheated.
PAUZE.
It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are too kareless to be dangerous.
Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.
Q.–Please define old bachelors.
A.–Pickled Krabs.
Twelve miles on the jump each day,
Before he et enny brekfasst,
And not loiter upon the way.
THE KROW.
I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away.
HOLD!
Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three.
If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz az good az enny.
Q.–What are bording-houses?
A.–Asylums for cockroaches.
Waz the only thing 'twould kure him,—
Liv on a jill of soup a day,
And they offered to insure him.
THE KROTON BUG.
The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu 3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east wind blo the ashes away.
DWELL.
The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, fresh painted, and in good order.
I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny whare near az soon az he expekted to.
Q.–Define a pig.
A.–Pork in pantaletts.
And walkt like a ghost on a raid,
'Till he lookt like the piktur abuv,
Which kost us a "V" to hav made.
THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM.
The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung ones.
STOP.
A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things i kno ov.
Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things.
Q.–What iz honesty?
A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.
And rode himself weak az a rag,
Then sold him for 19 dollars,
Just haff that he gave for the nag.
THE RED CURRANT
Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out.
REFLEKT
A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most.
Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man.
Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an eazy boot.=
Try both. Josh Billings
Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.=
Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings.
Q.–Define a perfume.
A.–Rape ov the flowers.
He drank all the kures in the land,
And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced
To hold up hiz pants with each hand.
THE LITENING ROD MAN.
Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent rite to.
ESPOUSE.
The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so with the next 3.
It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself.
Q.–What are sassages?
A.–Doggerels.
He studdid the liver ov man,
Untill he knu what ailed him,
A heap less, than when he began.
THE PEACH.
Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to.
DIGEST.
I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, just for the sake ov glory.
Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik.
Q.–Define dispepshy.
A.–Nightmare ov the stummuk.
And sawed like a man on a bet,
It bent him dubble,—if it hadn't,—
John would have sawed at it yet,
THE BUMBLE BEE.
The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee iz their stinger.
DISCUSS.
Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched.
I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing the same ghost, at the same time.
Q.–Define thunder.
A.–Lightning on a bust.
His case exciting alarm,
The good man sed, "John is all right,"
Only go to work on a farm.
THE YELLO JACKET.
The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises.
EMBRACE.
Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git.
Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job.
Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov phun in knowing that he kant do it agin.=
How is this, Josh Billings
Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.—we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.=
In haste, Josh Billings
Q.–Deskribe old maids.
A.–Embers from which the sparks hav fled.
With a farmer, kind hearted indeed,
Who let him ho corn for nothing,
And only charged John for his feed.
THE YANKEE PEDLAR.
Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the mile stuns, iz fast fading away.
SEIZE.
Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss wins the munny.
If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss.
Q.–What are oaths?
A.–Sin in italicks.
That salt water was shure to save him,
So he went forthwith to Long Branch,
And hired a man to bathe him.
THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY.
For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just gitting reddy to swarm.
DISKOUNT.
If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a dubble tooth to stop akeing.
A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn the 10 commands.
Q.–What iz a fiddle?
A.–A ticklish thing.