Thinner, and thinner each day,
At last he waz nothing but mist,
And an East wind blu him away.
PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS.
Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for the sad, and rest for the weary.
Atlantik Monthly.
How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.
Appleton's Journal.
Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year.
Harpers' Bazzar.
Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a board."
Springfield Republican.
Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.
Lady's Book.
Q.–How iz yure mother-in-law?
A.–Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures?
If enny one thinks they kan lick him,
Just let them put up the spondulicks,
And trot out the other game chicken.
SUM ABRUPT LETTERS.
Dear Bob.—The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress.
P. S.—Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a job.—J. B.
Dear Steve.—It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the hewn grass.
Dear Hank.—When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom.
BULBS.
Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on.
Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life.
Q.–What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do?
A.–To drink pepper sass.
For fighting allwuss reddy,
With Mike O'Rowke he travels,
And his name iz one eyed Teddy.
THE ALLIGATOR.
The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and aft skooner.
DEW DROPS
I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever.
The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market value.
Q.–What are the 2 luxurys ov life?
A.–Eazy boots, and a snug conshience.
And Darwin knows all about this thing,
But while i respekt mi poor relashuns,
From whitch, pray tell me, did the munky spring.
THE LOAFER.
The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he?
TIT BITS.
Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well.
Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize him.
Q.–Who fust struk ile?
A.–Jonah
An orphan, without friends, or place,
A target for every ones brik bat,
The yaller dog runs a dusty race.
ARTIKLES OV FAITH.
Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum.
The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken spirit.
Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted ov the tale.
Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up.
Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs.
A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless with innosense.
The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot.
The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to every thing he sez =
Affekshionately Josh Billings
I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the gun went off.—and miss the bird besides.=
A literal fakt, Josh Billings
Q.–What kind ov a pen do plagarists use?
A.–A steal pen.
Desaitfull, and dang'rous kritter,—
Az humbly az satan himself,
And besides a pizon hitter.
SHORT REPLYS.
Dear Luke.—I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the hornets.
Dear Mose.—All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own jokes.
SPLINTERS.
If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness.
Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the widower.
Q.–What iz yure favourite name for a Boy?
A.–George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant.
A hiding place for fleas, and varmin,
Wimmin lug them round for pets,
And call them "luv," and "duv," and "charming."
THE SPIDER.
One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so.
DREGS.
Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather than argy the case, i am willing to think so too.
Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,—there never waz a man yet but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors.
Q.–What iz a mint julep?
A.–A refuge for cheap whiskey.
With stolen cream, and chickens fat,
Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet,
Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a kat.
THE MILKSOP.
The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light.
THE MIZER.
The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left.
CHALK MARKS.
Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown over into the fust vacant lot they cum to.
Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on them.
Q.–Pleze to define buty?
A.–Buty iz a blank catridge.
Answering to "Bill," or "Ned" or "Fan,"
Death on rats, and sirloin steak,
Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan.
LAZYNESS.
Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death is the only sure kure for shifflessnes.
LAFFTER.
Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at every thing.
GIMBLETS.
I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents on the dollar.
One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood.
Q.–Who iz the best lawyer?
A.–He who duz the least bizzness.
Ever reddy to caw, and to go,
Thare's nothing so full ov the devil,
Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow.
THE DUK.
The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it.
THE SANDY HILL CRANE.
The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last quotations, the supply just about equals the demand.
BLOSSOMS.
The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.
How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the time, and then look to the lord for their pay.
I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for washing windows on the outside=
Jess so. Josh Billings.
If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage to make the other two meals out ov kold water.=
Yes. Josh Billings.
Q.–Will yu define luck?
A.–Luck iz driftwood.
And to save children iz willing,
If yu haint no pond, nor children to save,
The dog aint worth a shilling.
AN EPISTOL.
Dear Snyder.—Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22 summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on.
BUBBLES.
Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one ov them.
If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well, and only cum out in the nite time.
Q.–Who iz the dearest old aunt?
A.–The one whoze bank account iz all right.
And steals green korn amazing,
Hiz hide iz worth 6 bits perhaps,
But coons wont pay for raizing.
THE OWL.
The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober, and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare, and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now, every time i think ov it.
REMNANTS.
I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry road, about the distance to the next town.
Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.
Q.–Who iz the biggest hipokrit?
A.–He who calls vice plezzure.
Sollum he sits, the old Fox hound,
Hiz ears hang down like wet rags,
And hiz keen noze studdys the ground.
TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR.
Josh Billings' "Farmer's Allminax" for the year 1878 is now on our desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through the land?
St. Louis Advance.
Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when.
Milwaukee Daily Bread.
Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "Farmer's Allminax" are sold each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world?
Boston Pilgrim.
Shoot him! shoot the "Allminax" maker.
Arkansas Bowie Knife.
Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit—this yearly avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax."
Chicago Budget.
Az he stands bi hiz dam,
Is all legs like a shanghi,
And az meek az a lam.
THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW.
The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick.
THE JACKDAW.
The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss to him az they kan git.
CHIPS.
The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him.
About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around the corner.
'Till he iz four years old,
He iz hi headed, and rangey,
Flat-footed, and bold.
K.
Kontentment iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be the klam.
L.
Luv iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and then beat him badly.
M.
Milk Puntch iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day.
N.
Nonsense iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, and fetches a good price.
SQUIBS.
Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got to run him down.
The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum day before long perhaps.
A hard task indeed,
And, handled quite gently,
To draw out his speed.
THE CENTAUR.
The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the eastward, whare the muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down on hiz nek, and over hiz shoulders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, or two, and want to ride sumthing else.
IMPS.
Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it.
Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread.
He iz called a full horse,
And iz thought fit to trot,
For a puss on the course.
THE AUCKSHIONEER.
The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizzness, but just to hav one in the naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz ambishun when he haz worried a laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer and kno what i am talking about.
THE OLD MAID.
The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.
BLISTERS.
Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do.
Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty.
About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2 girls at one time, and preserve a good average =
Try it. Josh Billings
I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse—if a horse kan trot fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn't giv a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings
He iz bunged up, and done,
Knee sprung, and spavined,
Hiz spirit iz gone.
INDISKRIMINATE HINTS.
I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, or not, yu kan buy a "Readdy Reckoner," at enny ov the book stores, for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are a kussid shame, and noosance. Rats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in three years, yu will hav rats to spare.
WAIFS.
Next to going barefoot, for solid cumfort, cums an old shoe.
I beleave in ghosts,—only a little,—just ennff to keep up an assortment.
Staggering he goes,
Receiving for pay,
Only curses and blows.
TWO LETTERS.
Dear Laubenhimer.—I dont know who writ "Babes in the Woods," but who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they ought to.
Dear Onderdonk.—Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger.
They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to.
BUOYS.
The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one living at that time.
I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, is a melankolly failure.