THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM.
Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm, tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet—(to ketch fish with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.
HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE.
To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.
To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.
Q.–Who iz the coming man?
A.–The female suffragist.
And don't go on the rotten ice;
For many a gal has fell chuck in,
And thus has ketched her final ducking.
THE BELLYCOSE GOAT.
The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt Goat would be a literary curiosity.
PREMIUMS.
Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870.
To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front teeth, and distorting hiz noze.
To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting drowned.
To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.
Q.–Define the "fust impreshun."
A.–A mother's kiss.
A simpleton, but clever;
And tho 4000 years ov age,
He's just az big a phool az ever.
THE MELODIUS CAT.
The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither.
FAMILY NOSHUNS.
To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.
To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.
To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz jumps.
To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).
Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others, az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=
Kindly yure. Josh Billings
Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,—and i hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=
J. Billings Esq
Q.–What waz the name of Shakspear's dog?
A.–Dog-Berry.
Yoke geese, and black snakes kill;
Set hens; set traps for thieving rats;
Set what you please, but don't set still.
THE BRINY CODFISH.
The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.
If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage tew make the other two meals out of cold water.
(Advertisement.)
MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD.
For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.
They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull it in two.
Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will hunt till it finds it.
Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.
Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the litening in the naberhood.
Q.–What iz a good "_counter irritant_"?
A.–A young dri goods clerk.
Things seem tew jump their very best;
Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten,
Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin.
THE FREQUENT FLY.
The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned,—in milk-cans. Flys morally considered are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.
WANTED.
Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the females az they pass out.
Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.
No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a military coat, at twenty paces.
This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.
Salary payable weekly.
References exchanged.
Q.–When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are?
A.–When she heaves too.
Red hot, and crazy for to sting:
Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters!
For they are sure, and pizon hitters.
THE READDY ROOSTER.
Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up the worm.
Jist like a man for all the world!
HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS.
Tew git rid ov cockroaches,—sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains.
Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,—cut it out ov buckskin, and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.
Tew pick out a good husband!—shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord.
Tew make a kat mad,—trod on her continuashun.
Q.–Why iz woman like an echo?
A.–Bekauze she will hav the last word.
Roosters pant and so do lizzards;
The mules upon the dusty road
Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards.
THE DOOCED MONKEY.
The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the school boy,—and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with Baldwin The Clothiers trademark,—C. O. D.
KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS.
1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down cellar and duz it.
2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp place, without loseing its twist.
3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.
4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, who aint handy with the 10 commandments.
If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part hiz hair in the middle.=
Dont yu, Josh Billings
It iz one ov the hardest things on earth for a man to learn,—that he plays a third rate game ov whist.=
No doubt, Josh Billings
Q.–What is wealth?
A.–Baggage at the risk of the owner.
Trying az hard az he can to weep,
Az he thinks ov death and its consequence
To spavined hosses and rickety sheep.
THE LOAFING RACCON.
The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.
HOME DOINGS.
Tew freshen a salt mackerel,—tow him one summer behind a steam bote.
Tew make a man good mad,—starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.
Tew be one ov the "oldest inhabitants," remember very well, when yung Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.
Tew be happy,—eat molasses, and swing on a gate.
Q.–What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak?
A.–The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it.
And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy:
Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy,
So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?
THE THOUGHTFUL FOX.
The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty but he haz got a grate supply of politikal honesty. If another Fox in hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in hiz eye, "that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi."
[Advertisement.]
MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES.
Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, rickets, redgum, and bawling.
Cures gout, hang nails, wont go tew sleep, stummak ake, and want every thing they see.
Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.
Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.
Babes bawl for it.
Nurses pray for it.
Fathers buy it bi the barrell.
Q.–What iz ginger pops?
A.–Gim-nastick water.
The bug and the cricket are still;
No more can be heard in the marshes,
The musketo fileing hiz bill.
KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR.
Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.
Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan prognostix what will cum next.
Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for harvesting.
If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.
Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.
Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood pile.
Q.–What is pity?
A.–Cheap charity.
Murder geese and ducks that quack,
Chop down wood, and sassage make,
And evenings play—Hylojack.
LETTER TO FARMERS.
Beloved Farmers:
Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.
Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.
Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.
Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.
The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.
What iz a lawyer?—What iz a merchant?—What iz a doktor?—What iz a minister?—I answer, nothing
A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.
Beloved farmers, adew.
Josh Billings.
EXTRAKT OV LETTERS.
Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870.
Friend Billings:
Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. I remane thine.
Obadiah Broadbrim.
Mr. Billings:
We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.
Editor of London Athaneum.
Dear Josh Billings:
Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live mother.
Charley Briggs, Jun.
Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870.
Dear Misser Josh:
The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.
Yure cullud person friend,
Josepheen Johnsing.
Mister Joshua Billings:
I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure loveing friend, Jerusha Sheldon, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.
HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY.
The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, klear ov awl debt.
The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.
ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN.
Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable quarterly in advance.
A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a missionary more than they do a klergyman.
Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.
Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's salary, after it once gits kold.
It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=
Less so. Josh Billings
I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world—make the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=
Happy thought.= Josh Billings
Q.–Who had the best artikle ov pashunce?
A.–Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot.
Yu never ketched him idle;
Six daze he works, and sundaze he
Salts geese, and reads the bible.
HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY.
The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.
The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be inklined tew gush a little. (For the sake of variety we say, let her gush.)
A GOOD FAMILY JOB.
(To kure bed bugs.)
Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel; then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.
Q.–What iz the surest gait on the road?
A.–A toll-gate.
Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,—
"Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!"
The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther.
HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH.
The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss but once, and then will git beat.
The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.
[Advertizement.]
Professor John Spruce (graduate) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.
Private lessons administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the gum-chawing science tew a spot.
N. B.—Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low.
Q.–Who iz the champion ov lite weights?
A.–The Nu Jersey muskeeter.
Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens;
The dame sot her on an ear ov korn,
And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens.
HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL.
The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married; and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.
The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.
[Advertizement.]
JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE.
Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph from everything.
1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.
2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.
3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?—i answer it kan, bi using Job Sargent's only klensing sope.
4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will never be without this sope.
5th. Job Sargent never told a lie—so did George Washington.
Q.–What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord?
A.–I dont kno az I kare.
He spent his time a drinkin syder.
Together he worked a cow and muel,
And never sent his boys tew skewel.
HOROSKOPE FOR MAY.
The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands. The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper collars.
The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom. Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet. She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.
CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS.
To learn a kat how tew bite—feed her on kat nip tea.
To remove goose pimples (from a goose)—loose the goose.
To kure a weak back—lay still for a week ahead.
To make yure mark—fall out ov a third story windo.
To ketch a bad kold—lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi moonlite.
Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous window one night last summer—and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats neither.=
A sollum fakt. Josh Billings
One ov the most unfortunate men in this world—iz a third rate fiddler,=
Yure warm friend
Josh Billings
Q.–Who got the fust caneing?
A.–Abel.
Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss;
Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans,
If the arth dont seem tew wettish.
HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE.
The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.
The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.
ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY.
(Advertizement.)
Phelix Phungus (dog dokter), late ov the royal vetenary college, and 12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.
P. P. D. D. Phelix Phungus, Dog Doktor.
Q.–Who waz the weakest man?
A.–Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars.
She's winsum az a pozy;
The chap who ketches Mary Moore,
Wont be no kuntry josey.
HOROSKOPE FOR JULY.
The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (Hiz posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard tew run for offiss on.)
The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the song ov the crickets.
ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN.
Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.
Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.
Larn tew wait!—this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz the surest way tew git thare.
If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.
Q.–Which are two ov the lost arts?
A.–Modesty, and good home-made bread.
Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad;
He and his mother worked the farm—
Krewel deth had took away his dad.
HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST.
The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young—tired out trying tew keep up with him.
The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the August-as.
TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN.
(Advertizement.)
Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse hiz egg-dispensing poultry.
His "Hail Columbys," crossed on his "Star Spangled Banners," iz a hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov deportment, kant be beat.
His "Last Roze ov Summer," hiz "Merry wives ov Windsor," and hiz "Love lies bleeding," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the whole horizon. His "Kiss me Quicks," chastised with a delikate sprinkling ov his "Meet me bi moon lite alone," as pullets, hav alwus stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."
Q.–Who waz the fust brewer?
A.–Satan; he brewed mischief.