E-text prepared by Emmy, Darleen Dove,
and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
(http://www.pgdp.net)
from page images generously made available by
Internet Archive/American Libraries
(http://www.archive.org/details/americana)

LESSONS ON MANNERS

SCHOOL AND HOME USE

EDITH E. WIGGIN

CONTENTS.

LESSONS ON MANNERS.

INTRODUCTION.

It is true that good manners, like good morals, are best taught by the teacher's example. It is also true that definite lessons, in which the subject can be considered in its appropriate divisions, are of no little value if we would have our children attain to "that finest of the fine arts, a beautiful behavior."

Such lessons should be as familiar and conversational as possible. They ought to be talks rather than lectures; and the children should be encouraged to do a large part of the talking. Children that come from homes where good manners are taught and practised, will be glad to repeat the precepts of politeness learned in the home circle; and those less favored will not want to be behind in this hitherto unstudied branch. We must remember that many children hear no mention of politeness outside the school-room, and are uncouth and rude, not so much because they choose to be, as because they do not know how to be otherwise.

I have used in my own schools of different grades a series of simple lessons, varying both matter and method according to the age and capacity of scholars. The good results have been marked, not only in the school-room, but at home and in public places; and years afterwards scholars have expressed their grateful appreciation of this instruction and its value to them in every-day life. I have thought that the publication of these outline lessons might be a help to other teachers also, in the way of offering suggestions and saving time in preparing lessons for their own classes.

For some classes the lessons as arranged in this little book may be too long, for others too short. They are outlines merely, to be filled in and supplemented by each teacher, adding to, taking from, and varying them at her discretion.

It may seem unnecessary to touch upon such simple things as some that are spoken of. The teacher, perhaps, cannot remember when these axioms were not familiar to her; but let her put questions to the children concerning them, and she will find in many schools that to half the pupils she is talking in an unknown tongue. Matters are mentioned which do not concern them now so much as they will a few years later; as, for instance, conduct at places of amusement and in company; but in these things, as in their school studies, boys and girls are learning now for the future.

My plan would be to have a familiar talk with the children one day, drawing from them, as far as it can be done, the rules of behavior which the teacher wishes to impress upon them. When she can illustrate a point by a story, the impression will be deepened. It is well also to speak of acts which have come under the teacher's eye in the school-room, on the play-ground, or on the way to school, and let the children decide whether these were polite or impolite, and why. This will make the whole matter more real to them, and, if they are encouraged to furnish illustrations, they will open their eyes and find them in their own little worlds. We want our children in school, from the youngest to the oldest, to notice a breach of politeness as quickly as an error in recitation. A little girl of five from a wretched family, who had proved an apt scholar in the branch under consideration, one day performed some trifling service for an awkward little new scholar. I shall never forget her look and tone of amazement as she turned to her teacher with, "Why! he didn't say 'Thank you.'"

At the time of the next exercise, I would have the children reproduce from an outline placed upon the blackboard the precepts deduced from the previous talk, not insisting upon any form of words, but encouraging them to use their own. This will be also a good oral exercise in language. If the scholars are old enough, this oral review can be put upon paper, either at this time or for a composition exercise another day. Nothing except practising the precepts will so fix these in their minds.

If the teacher thinks best, a copy of this manual may be placed in the hands of each scholar, and the lesson prepared like other lessons, from the printed page. This course would diminish the amount of blackboard writing.

Let the teacher, when it seems wise, commend acts of politeness in her scholars. If they know she sees and appreciates their efforts, they will redouble them.

It should be her constant aim to lead her scholars so to think on these things that are lovely and of good report in the province of manners, as well as in the higher one of morals, to which it is so closely allied, that thinking may take the shape of doing, and doing may crystallize into habit.

Lesson I.

LESSON I.

It has been said, "Manners are something with every one, and everything with some."

Strangers will judge us entirely by our manners, since they cannot know, as our friends do, what is beneath this outward behavior.

The Golden Rule is the foundation of true politeness, which must spring from kindness of heart. If we earnestly try to do to others what we would have them do to us, though we may through ignorance disregard some points of society etiquette, yet we can hardly be impolite.

Good manners cannot be put on at pleasure, like an outside coat, but must belong to us. We have all seen veneering on furniture. At first the cheap pine article may look as well as if it were made of the costly wood with which it is covered; but in the wear and tear of every-day use the veneering will come off in places, showing the common wood beneath. So it will be with our manners. If they are not solid and real throughout, the thin covering of politeness will break off here and there, especially when exposed to hard usage, and the real stuff we are made of will be revealed.

If we carefully observe persons of fine manners, we shall learn much that can be learned in no other way. We must not think we are too well informed to be taught on this or any subject, but keep our eyes and ears open, and be always ready to learn a "more excellent way." The greatest advantage to young people of being in good society is the opportunity to learn by observation.

We began this lesson with a quotation, and we will close by another worth remembering: "Politeness is like an air-cushion; there may be nothing solid in it, but it eases the jolts of this world wonderfully."

Lesson II.

LESSON II.

We must not forget to say "Good morning" to the teacher when we first see her before school; or, if we stop after school to speak to her, "Good afternoon" when we leave. If a boy comes back into the room after dismissal, he must remember to take off his hat.

It is rude to laugh at mistakes or awkwardness: nothing is more ill-bred as well as unkind. If an accident occurs, we should not laugh, unless it is so amusing that all can join without hurting the feelings of the one concerned.

If an accident happens to the dress or property of teacher or classmate, we should offer our assistance quietly, if we can be of use, or else not appear to see it, and by no means call attention to it.

We ought to try to make a new scholar feel at home,—help him to become acquainted with the others, tell him the rules and customs of the school, and assist him at first in his lessons if he needs it. We ought not to stare at him when he enters or rises to recite, or smile if he makes a mistake. It is kind to draw him into games at recess until he forgets he is a stranger. We should be especially careful to do all this if the new scholar is poorly or peculiarly dressed, or is crippled, or unfortunate in any way.

When visitors are present, we must be sure to behave as well as at other times. If reading or singing is going on, we should pass them a book, handing it properly, and should treat them as politely as if they were at our houses. When the teacher is engaged with company, we should not disturb her with unnecessary questions, but busy ourselves until she is at liberty.

To raise hands when it can be avoided is an impolite interruption of school work, and is as rude as talking too much in company. To raise the hand when a teacher or scholar is speaking is the same thing as to interrupt them with a remark or question.

We must respect the rights of property. It is wrong to take a garment, book, or other article before or after school without asking permission. If anything is borrowed, it should be returned promptly with thanks.

If we are distributing materials to the class, we should hand articles quietly and politely to each in turn, and in collecting never snatch a book or paper.

When a number of scholars are waiting for a drink at recess, we sometimes see them crowd and push one another, each trying to serve himself first. It makes us think of cattle at a watering-trough. The cattle know no better, but boys and girls do. The polite way is for each to stand back and wait his turn. This is not only the pleasantest but the quickest way for all to be satisfied. If boys and girls are waiting together, every gentlemanly boy will wait for the girls to drink first, and the girls should accept his politeness in a polite manner.

The same remark applies to conduct in the dressing-room before school. Scholars should quietly wait for others to hang up clothing and use the looking-glass, instead of pushing forward to secure the first chance.

These early habits of courtesy or rudeness will cling to us through life. When we see people rushing for the best seats in cars or steamboats, and crowding others aside at counters and railroad restaurants, we may be reasonably sure they are those who, when boys and girls at school, pushed others away from the looking-glass and the drinking place.

In speaking of occurrences, we must not say, "I and James went." We ought to speak of ourselves last in all cases, except where mischief has been done, when we should relate our own share first.

Lesson III.

LESSON III.

Manners on the street are especially important, because many see us there who never see us elsewhere, and they will judge us and our home and school training by our good or bad behavior there.

Noisy and boisterous conduct on the street is always unbecoming. No well-bred boy or girl will ever try to attract attention there. To make one's self conspicuous in public is a sure sign of ignorance and ill-breeding.

If we wish to speak to a person on the other side of the street, though it be only a schoolmate, the proper way is not to call to him, but to cross over quietly and speak. If we wish to look behind us, we should not twist the head around, but turn the whole body.

It is extremely rude to walk three or four together, unless in an unfrequented street, or to stop on corners to talk.

In meeting persons, we must turn to the right, and never take more than our share of the sidewalk, and give an old person or a lady more than half. In passing people, we should be careful not to crowd or jostle them; it is better to step off the sidewalk to pass an older person than to do this. If we are walking with any one, and wish to take leave or cross the street, we should step behind and not in front of our companion. A boy should be as careful as a gentleman to give a lady the inside of the walk.

When we meet an acquaintance we must not say, "Halloa!" but give or return the proper salutation. Our tone and manner should be cordial to all and respectful to older people. For a boy or girl to bestow upon a teacher or any older person a patronizing nod instead of a courteous bow, or a curt "Good morning" or "Good evening" with the rising inflection on the last syllable, is an impertinence. Even little boys should learn to lift their hats to ladies, and also to gentlemen entitled by age or position to this mark of respect.

We must keep step with the person with whom we are walking, if we would not make an awkward appearance. It is proper for a younger person to accommodate his pace to that of an older, and a gentleman must keep step with a lady.

If we see any one fall in the street, we should never be so rude as to laugh, but should hasten to help if help is needed.

If we speak to a stranger by mistake, we should ask pardon; and if one speaks to us, we should gracefully accept his apology, as if the mistake were most natural, not adding to his embarrassment by our manner of cold surprise.

If we have occasion to ask directions of a stranger, we should say, "Will you please tell me if this is the road to Lynn?" rather than "Say! is this the road to Lynn?" We should never fail to give cordial thanks for information.

In holding an umbrella over any one, we must carry it high enough, give more of it than we take, and in meeting other umbrellas give them their share of room.

It is ill-mannered to eat anything in the street. No rubbish, such as paper, nutshells, or orange-peel, should be thrown on the sidewalk: there is a proper place for such things; and we ought to have too much regard for the neat appearance of our streets to litter them.

In this connection, let us remember that to mark on walls or fences anywhere not only violates the right of property, but is exceedingly ill-bred. If we see names scrawled in public places, we may be sure the persons thus making themselves conspicuous are not ladies or gentlemen.

We should never stare at windows of private houses, and never point at any person. Another rude thing often done is to ask a ride of a stranger, or, worse still, to steal one by jumping on his carriage without asking.

If we see those who are lame or deformed, we should not call attention to them, or look at them ourselves in a way to remind them of their infirmities.

If strangers inquire the way of us, we should answer their questions politely. We should give directions with clearness, and cheerfully go out of our way to point out a street or building. Sometimes we see on the street persons from the country, who seem bewildered by the noise and bustle, and uncertain which way to go. In such cases, especially if they are old or infirm, we should ask in a kind way if we can be of service; and we should be glad to help them out of their difficulty, even if it costs us time and trouble. The following incident illustrates this street politeness:—

"As I was walking along a street of a large city," says the writer, "I saw an old man, who seemed to be blind, walking along without any one to lead him. He went very slowly, feeling with his cane, and was walking straight to the curbstone. Just then a boy who was playing near the corner left his playmates, ran up to the old man, put his hand through his arm and said, 'Let me lead you across the street.' He not only helped him over one crossing, but led him over another, to the lower side of the street. Now this boy thought he had only done a kindness to a poor old man, but in reality he had taught a lesson of true politeness to his playmates and to every person who saw the act."

Lesson IV.

LESSON IV.

Our manners at home are of more importance than our manners anywhere else, for several reasons: we spend more time at home than elsewhere; our own family have stronger claims upon us than strangers; they love us best and do most for us, and they are entitled not only to our love but to every courtesy and attention from us. It is a sad thing to see a boy or girl polite and kind away from home and to strangers only, while at home he is rude, selfish, and heedless of every law of good behavior. If we are always polite in our own homes, we shall be sure to be polite in other people's homes. If we do not forget to say "Good morning" and "Good evening" to each member of our family, we shall not forget to say them to others.

If a child has fruit or candy, he ought not to sit down by himself to eat it, without offering some to his companions.

In olden times it was quite common for a young man in writing to his father to address him as "Honored Sir." While these formal modes of speech may be out of place in our time, we should so keep the commandment to honor our parents that its spirit shall be seen in our every-day conduct.

Children should in all things make parents first and themselves last. A boy ought to show his mother every attention that he would to any lady. He should remove his hat when coming to speak to her, let her pass through a door before him, pick up any article she may drop, give her the inside of the walk, help her into a carriage, show her into the pew at church, and wait upon her everywhere. He has similar duties to his sisters; but girls cannot expect politeness from, unless they give it to, their brothers.

We should say "Please" when asking a favor from our own family. Children should say "Please" and "Thank you" to servants, and should never laugh at their mistakes or hurt their feelings.

Here is an illustration of two ways of treating a mistake. A servant-girl who had been but a little while in this country had never seen any radishes. When the dinner was sent home from market one day, a bunch of radishes came with the other vegetables. She supposed they were to be cooked like the rest, so she carefully cut off the tops and boiled them, then dished them up on a small white platter, and placed them on the table with a satisfied look. A boy in the family burst into a loud laugh and exclaimed, "I guess you never saw any radishes before, Mary; you've spoilt them." It was necessary then to explain the mistake, which had better been done quietly after dinner; and the poor girl retired in confusion to shed tears of mortification over her ignorance. After dinner this boy's little sister said to a visitor, "The radishes did look so funny and small on the dish that I thought I should laugh, but I knew Mary would feel bad if I did, so I looked at my plate and tried to think of something else."

It is easy to decide which of these children illustrated politeness to servants.

If our parents are away when visitors come, or too busy to see them at once, it is our place to show them in politely, take a gentleman's hat, or a lady's wrappings if she wishes to remove them, offer a comfortable chair, show them anything that we think will interest them, and entertain them as well as we can until older people are at liberty. When they are busy with company we should not trouble them with any request that can wait.

If friends of our parents are visiting them, we should do all we can to make the visit pleasant, and should help our mothers even more than usual, that they may have more time for the visitors. If we can take care of younger brothers or sisters, it will often be a great relief to them and the company besides.

A lady once went to visit a friend whom she had not seen for years. There was much to talk about, and both felt that the afternoon would be all too short. Think how surprised and pleased the visitor was when her friend's little daughter, instead of staying in the room and teasing her mother with all manner of questions, as children often do in such cases, took her baby brother upstairs and amused him until tea-time, so that her mother might have a quiet afternoon with her friend. You may be sure the lady will never forget that little girl's thoughtful politeness.

We should not enter visitors' rooms without knocking, or sit down without being invited; neither should we take up anything belonging to them, or ask questions about it. We should try not to be tiresome or disagreeable.

When young people come to visit us we should remember that their entertainment is our affair. We should treat them precisely as we would want to be treated at their houses. It is rude to criticise their dress or anything belonging to them, or to ask inquisitive questions about their homes. We should talk about the things they are interested in, play the games they like, show them our toys and books, and have regard to their preferences in every occupation and amusement.

Home ought to be the happiest place in the world, and the daily practice of genuine politeness toward each other will do much to make it so. Every little seed of courtesy, kindness, and consideration for others sown in the home circle will spring up and bear many more after its own kind, which shall be scattered, like the seeds in nature, by winds and waters, and shall be a blessing to the world wherever they may fall.

Lesson V.

LESSON V.

No person, however high his position, is so entitled to respect and attention as one with white hair and bent figure. No young person of right feeling and good-breeding will ever fail in politeness toward the old. The Bible commands us to reverence the aged, and in one place says, "Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man." Even among the lowest races of men respect for old people is almost universal.

There is a story of an Indian which illustrates this. The writer tells us that many years ago, on the banks of the Kennebec River, he saw an Indian coming across in his canoe. He had his wife with him and a very old woman covered with a blanket. When he reached the shore he kindled a fire, took out the old woman in his arms and laid her down tenderly by it. He then cooked some food and gave it to her, while he and his wife waited until she had finished eating. Seeing the gentleman observing him, he pointed to the aged woman and said, "It is my mother."

In China disrespect to the aged is unknown, and disobedience to parents has been punished with death.

We cannot expect to be honored when we are old, unless we honor the old when we are young.

Almost every one has read the story of "The Wooden Bowl," which well illustrates what has just been said.

An old man who had a home with his son had become so infirm that he could no longer work. His son treated him unkindly, and grudgingly gave him his scanty portion of coarse food, making the poor old man feel that he was considered a burden by his own child. Matters grew worse until at last he was not allowed to come to the table. His son made for him a rude wooden bowl, from which he ate his food in the kitchen.

One day this son saw his own little boy at work with his jackknife on a piece of wood. "What are you doing, my child?" he asked. "I am making a wooden bowl like grandpa's, for you to eat out of when you are old, father," said the child.

This answer made such an impression upon the son, showing him what treatment he had a right to expect from his own children after the example he had given them, that from that time he treated his old father with the respect and kindness he himself wished to receive in his old age.

We should never laugh at mistakes in speech. The old-fashioned expressions that seem so queer to us may have been right when those who use them were young. Some of our ways of speaking will probably seem as strange to young people when we are old as theirs do now to us, so we are laughing at ourselves beforehand. Then we should remember that years ago school privileges were not so great as they are now. Children then went to school but little in comparison with us, and their speech was not watched and corrected by teachers as ours is. We ought never to criticise mistakes in the aged as we would in our little brothers and sisters: it is disrespectful; and besides they are too old to change habits.

We should listen with attention and with no sign of impatience to all they say, answer their questions kindly, and not contradict, even if through forgetfulness the same question is often asked and mistakes are made. If they are childish and sometimes fault-finding, we should treat them with the gentleness we would show to a little child, together with the respect that belongs to gray hairs.

If they are hard of hearing, we should repeat patiently and gently and never shout an answer.

When we talk with them we should talk of what they care for, even if it is what we are not interested in. If we try, we can generally become interested for their sakes. We should be willing to read to them articles and books that may seem prosy to us; we ought to think how long the days must seem to those who are too feeble to go out as we do, and we should be glad to do what we can to entertain them.

We should cheerfully wait upon old people, and let them feel that young hands and feet are glad to take the place of theirs. There are countless little services which we can perform for them: we can bring grandfather his hat and cane, find a place in the paper for him with our bright eyes, thread grandmother's needle, pick up dropped stitches in her knitting, hunt for her glasses when she loses them, and run on errands for them both.

They ought to have the most comfortable chairs, in winter the warmest seats by the fire, and in the evening the place where their failing eyes shall have the best light.

If we are sitting in the only rocking-chair in the room, or in the easiest one, and an old person enters, we should immediately rise and offer it to him, not simply ask if he would not like it.

At the table we should see that old people are helped first and their wants carefully attended to.

In cars or public places, a boy or girl should never allow an old man or woman to stand, but should hasten to give up a seat and insist on its being taken, especially if the person is poorly dressed.

The following story of what happened long ago in the famous old city of Athens well illustrates this point:—

A play was to be performed at the principal theatre of Athens, and the seats were soon taken. When the theatre was full, an old man came in and looked around for a seat. He was quite infirm and could not stand long. He looked first one way and then another. At length he saw a party of young Athenians beckoning to him. He tried to get to them, which he had to do by climbing over seats and pushing through the crowd; and, when at last he reached them, they sat down, and, instead of giving him the seat he had expected, took up all the room, leaving the old man standing.

In this theatre were some seats fitted up for strangers. These were filled by young Spartans, who, when they saw the behavior of the Athenians, were much displeased, and beckoned to the old man to come to them. When he was near them they all rose and received him with the greatest respect. The whole assembly, seeing this, could not help bursting into a shout of applause.

The old man then said, "The Athenians know what is right, but the Spartans practise it."

Above all things, we should never let the old feel that they are in the way, or that it is a relief when they leave the room. They are usually sensitive to anything like a slight, and their feelings are quickly hurt by real or seeming neglect.

Lesson VI.

LESSON VI.