San Francisco, May 6th.
To Editor New York newspaper who I occasionally trust & often admire for quotation from Hon. Browning.
Mr.—O!!! Patriotick banzai of hurrah!
America Fleet of Roosevelt Excursionists have arrive to S. F. Ferry Depot.
I would of send this by wire-telegraf, but Hon. Operator was inattentive about me when I have no price sufficiently much to. He say: “Who-pay?” I-say: “Hon. Editor.” “Hon. Editor may-be-so will,” he demure and resume job of tick-tick. Good-by for me.
Morning of fleet-arrive was splandid. By early hour of day all S. F. persons has clustered therselves on tip of hills & suppression of excitement was enjoyed. Considerable watching occurred. Barking of dogs was strangled by collars, infant babies which desired to weep was spanked for prevention of. Silences. Depressed banners was held in American hands to get ready wave it.
Many persons in Sabbath clothings was there, including 1,000 Japanese Spies which were very nice behaviour. I was nationally proud of them.
Of suddenly, Oh!!!
Through crack of Goldy Gate, what-see? Maglifisent sight of marine insurance! Floating war-boats of dozens approaching directly straight by line & shooting salutes at people. On come them Imperial Navy of Hon. Roosevelt & Hon. Hobson; what heart could quit beating at it? Such white paint—like bath-tub enamel, only more respectful in appearance.
All shout, all maddy banzai, including me & Cousin Nogi which was wishing that Hon. Togo could been there to shoot in opposite direction. Would it not been a impressive pair of naval spectacles? I ask to know.
From collected ½ million of persons on hills of S. F. one mad yall of star-spangly joy. Fire-crack salute, siren whistle, honk-horn, megaphone, extra edition, tenor solo—all connected together to give impressions of loyal panderonium. What say Lord Macawber, English history-poet, in “Lies of Ancient Rome”?
(I wish I could sent this wire-telegram for speed. Please excuse sneer from Hon. Operator.)
I haven’t yet saw them gallant Adm. Robert D. Evans, but I take delicious look at Hon. Battle-boat Conn. by 2 opera glasses (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi) & there I see one commanding figure stooding on ¼ deck where shoot & shell might go muckraking four & aft, if such a rude target-practice was going on. Was man I seen them famous sea-doggy what have drove that fleet from N.Y. to S.F. while enjoying twitches of pain what would make considerable Heroes want to quit? If that man I seen was Hon. Evans, Japanese Samurai wants to remove cap to him. He are not a Hero—he are a Marter, which is a Hero tied to a post.
(When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he-say: “What language is them wrote in?” I am confused.)
“When Hon. Operator see my telegraf he-say ‘What language is them wrote in?’”
For space of several next days this Hon. City are overcame by considerable Program. Something go on each elsewhere including new-build section & also places where remainders of Hon. Earthquack are still enjoyed. Following was did from what little I was aware:
Wed.—Toot-whistle, anchor-fleet, boom-salute—hurrah! Hon. Mr. Mayor Taylor & High Governor Gilette go-see Flagship Conn. “How-do, Adm. Evans!” Fleet shake-hands with yackts, tug-boats, ferry-boats & all official vehicles. Hon. Evans come shore. Salutes. Honk-auto to Hotel Fairmont where Adm. Evans meet Mrs. Evans. More salutes. All Hon. Officers come march-in with un-officered excitement. Quiet bouquets. By evening Hon. Sec. Metcalf enjoy grand waltz-time Hotel Fairmont. I am not familiar with when this was expected to burst up.
Thur.—Awful important parade along line of march including National Guard and other private carriages. American standing army was included in this together with such Generals as was there. All blue-jackets, marines & officers march in this; but Hon. Battleboats did not come ashore, because they could not do. Market Street all bunted with red, white & blue & 4th of July enjoyed by all. Fatigue of march was added to by speeches. By evening some more waltz-time for Hon. Officers. Hon. Sailors must not be careless about steam-beer. All burst up by early clock.
Fri.—All go visit Hon. America Fleet. Great relays of persons in boat-loads because everybody was anxious. Visitors including of College Presidents, Labouring Unions, Society, Persons & many more. Special reception was gave to 1,000 Japanese Spies which came with kodaks.
Sat.—This day has not arrived yet; but we expect it.
Mr. Editor, I am anxious to where them Hon. Fleet will next go by departure. Will Japan be visited firstly & then some Christian country, or will it be visa-vis? I ask to know, because way them Fleet act are highly probable to Japanese Schoolboy.
Will you please wrote letter to Hon. Metcalf inflaming him about not having them Hon. Fleet go visit China? After U. S. Navy have saw Japan she will not care go China, I say it because. Japan are a deliciously arranged country with hot & cold water in all rivers and streams. Japan are picturesque with addition of all modern improvement. America tourist can go top of anteek temple Nara, by all-night elevator service. 2c tip for this. Geisha-girl do quaint dance to Edison phonograph musick. Jinrikisha run by gasolene motor make very speed time. Japan are a very antiseptick island full of Art. America fleeters will enjoy this & buy souvenirs for minus price. Pleasant farewell, Hon. America, & no fights with Togo.
“‘But China!! Such eye-pain of nations.’”
But China!! Such eye-pain of Nations where virtues is considerably extolled upon hon. tablets of ansisters, but them hon. relicks is seldom washed, so that they can’t not be read. That is one kingdom where enlightenment is unacquainted, where derby hats is unknown, where book-keeping & stenography is not even worshipped for its good qualities! Entire towns & counties of them ignorant kingdom is gave over to pipe-hitting ceremony of opium sniff, which is a insiderous poison that give sweet imagination which is followed by entire unfitness for feetball, predatory wealth and anything else what is useful & American. I give you my entire insurance, Mr. Editor, China are a race of pig-tail mollycuddles. Why should civilized kingdom wish to retain open door with China? It would be more delicate to close such a door & keep off pungus odour of opium-smoke & heathen punk-stick.
There is two kind of Heathens, Mr. Editor. One kind worship gods what is placed on tiled pedistals of Portland Cement & treated with hydrogen peroxide to remove affectionate germs. Other kind of Heathens adore idles made of wood, which it are a sacrilage to scrub, because it would remove sacred associations including typhoid, tuberculosis & social unrest.
Please to no let Hon. Fleet visit China. All Japanese are sorry because Hon. China are so wicked. Some day that dear Japan will annex China for personal property, then America fleet can visit & see how clean & smooth Heathens can be when treated by Japan.
Hon. Wu, Chinese minister of sinful profile, oftenly make comick speeches before American Y.M.C.A. He tell what a human person Chinese can be, he relate about “awakening of China” & is a pretty good Irishman for repartee. Maybe China are awake, but she have missed her train.
Please don’t listen to Mr. Wu, Hon. Sir! Listen to Baron Takahira who never says nothing, and therefore is a very good embassy. Baron Takahira are a Diplomatick Stroke, while that Hon. Wu are nothing but a Yellow Peril.
Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, are now nine years of oldness. Because of her extreme youngness she must be led to high-tip of Russia Hill to see improach of America Fleet, because she are interested in naval affairs.
While I hold her to shoulder for see better them cast-iron delegation swim by on wave she declare:
“Why are such demonstration of monstrous floaters here now, Uncle Togo?”
“To have wholesome effect on certain Oriental Power,” I collapse with very Tafty expression of publick knowledge.
“What effect will such floating have on certain Oriental Power?” require little Annie.
“Them Oriental Power will build ten new Dreadnoughts instead of six,” I relegate.
“So joyful!” tabulate little Annie. “Then such Oriental Power will be head of all!”
“Delay to rejoice,” I subtract. “When Hon. England see this he will built twelve new fight-ships of Lusitania class, Germany will construct fourteen new shoot-boats of Fatherland type, America will consult Senator Burton & think of appropriating something some time for a gunboat.”
“Great war will ensue when them Navies is did!” narrate little Annie.
“Stop suddenly!” I dib. “When all them Dreadnought navies is completed they will discovery that they are five years out of style and will be useful as ferryboats.”
“That will be comfortable for peaceful pic-nicks,” derange that little Annie which have close, childish brain.
“What say Hon. And. Carnegie about battle-ships? He-say: ‘More elaborate you built navies, more peaceful Hon. World will get. Large steel ship are good thing for business of Hague,’ he-say.”
“Large steel ship are good thing for business of Hon. Carnegie,” corrode little Anne Anazuma, who is an advanced kindergarten.
Hoping I will be present to get it when your Hon. Office Lad are fired off, I am
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.