San Francisco, June 30th.
To Editor New York newspaper which act grand to my hummbelness.
Dear Mr.—I am a familiar case. Therefore permit me to ask one humour reproach about something very mixed which are going to happen to these U. S. July 4th are it. This ceremony have occur so oftenly to America that persons should be used to it. Persons is mostly able to get used to whatever happen in eventual time. Japan have gradual became innocule to hon. beri-beri, which are a fine disease, if you must have one. Hawaii islands also feels ditto about lepordsy, which are regarded a pretty custom among natives who got it. China are used to opium-smoke, England are used to Parliament. Then why-so these America never get used to July 4th? I ask to know.
Answer is this: She never will! She think may-be-so she might, when something discouridge occur. By July 4th morning she take some nervous medecine to soothe it. She feels strongly better. Joyful pops in distance. “Ha!” she say for bluff, “I am vaccinated with gunpowder,” Louder and more smashy become fusileer of bang-bang musick until some fraxures bust to window. Then silences. “Heavenly praise!” say Hon. America, “in another minutes I should do a scream.” Of suddenly large curl of smoke are saw, then roof-afire followed by chicken-yard blazes. Local hook-corps come with hose in time to rake together ashes of sweet home & fireshade. Then Hon. America forget calm resolve & enjoy some hysterick.
Sydney Katsu Jr., who are my affectionate chumb, make a humoristick remark when I tell him this parabula about Hon. America. He say, “Hon. America can’t no more get used to July 4th than she can get used to Hon. Roosevelt.” I hope you will convulse yourself with this joke, because it sound very delicious in Japanese.
I enquire of some frequent Americans why-so it are necessary to blow up America once annually to make them patriotick. I am replied by snickkers from many. Yet others indulge me with following answer: “We must make considerable Jar in order to remind us of American Flag.” So fooly excuse! Do Hon. Japan have to blow herself up once annually in order to remind her of that dear sun-banner? Answer is, No!! When Hon. Japan wish to remind herself of Japanese Flag she go blow up Hon. Russia, which will do pretty well.
By last July 4th, while roming up San Francisco for silent reflecion on patriotism, etc., I am shook around by Port Arthur explosions from all direction. It were as if Hon. Inferno had got away & was scratching himself with thunderbolts. Please imagine it. Popcorn sounds from small firework was aggrevated by occasional intense jar of mammal torpedo. At corner of St. I seen one intelligent American laddish boy age 9 a-blowing on dynamite fuse to make her go up.
“Before finishing yourself,” I snuggest with kind face, “please told me why you wish make such an explode.”
“Because of Revolutional War,” surrogate them tiny child.
“Do firecrack blow-up give you some intelligent instructions about Revolutional War history?” I request for answer.
“Of sure it do!” declaim them kidly youth procuring flames from matchbox.
“If you can bang yourself wise,” I dally, “please name 8 generals what faught with Hon. Washington at Valley Forges.”
“Name them yourself,” say them child, “can’t you be able to see how busy I are?”
And when he thusly say-it all them firework burst up & he are blowed to ambulance. I was sorry to seen such sweet child rumpled by fireworks, so I go hunt Hon. Parents of him & say following for tearful eye,
“Dear sir, I explain it that your child are considerably bursted.”
“Boys will be boys,” say Hon. Parents for Christian Science expression.
“Boys will be angels when not careful,” I relapse with Red Cross eyewink.
I got personal trouble sufficiently without July 4th to come & add some weariness. My uncle Nichi, Japanese carpenter of Yeddo, have arrive to S. F. for a very stretched visit. He are a entirely jay Japanese, considerably neglectful of American pant & vest, so he stick by kimono which should be ashamed. I fix a nice derby hat on him, which is fashionable, yet I can seen persons make snickker-lip when he pass-by. American derby annex to Japanese kimono are nice symbol of modern Japan. It appear quite hellish.
Should I drop Uncle Nichi like a nusance? Ah no! I must retain him reverently because he are a ¼ cousin to my ancestor. Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot. Uncle Nichi think beer should be served in a cup & saucer. He-say this kingdom give him musical ears & a brain-ache.
“Were America discover by axidents?” he enquire to know.
“Almost entirely,” I congratulate.
“With care it might have been avoided,” emit that oldy man.
“Hon. America were discover by Mr. Columbus, July 4, 1776,” I say for slight bore of tone.
“Tell me everything,” attack Uncle Nichi, who expect to stay here indefinitely.
“On them date I said it,” is further from me, “Hon. Columbus approach to Boston with iron fleet. To assist him was Gen. Washington & Gen. Grant, both nice fighters and anxious to get into American history. Pretty soonly they seen monument of Bunco Hill & there—beholt it!—was Brittish troop with flag by command of Gen. Corn Wallace——”
“Excuse me to interrupt,” degrade my ¼ ancestor. “If Hon. Columbus discovery these U. S. first what was Brittish troop doing there already?”
“Most schoolboys is familiar with story,” I dib with proud cigar. “So I may proceed, thank you. Hon. Columbus land to shore with blue-jacky & quick-fire ammunition. ‘You must fight us, please,’ he-say to Brittish troop. ‘O no, not to do!’ they renig with accent, ‘We must not fight on July 4th because it are a legal holiday,’ Therefore Hon. Columbus ship them Brittish troop to Niagara Fall & declare these U. S. an entirely free kingdom.”
“And next what?” surrogate Uncle Nichi wakefully.
“And nextly Hon. Washington go to Pittsburgh where he was crowned President & Gen. Grant go Appotomax where he last all summer.”
“And what happen to Hon. Columbus?” corrode Unc.
“He go back to Spain where he was lynched,” I collapse.
“So July 4th have been occurring regularly ever since?” he ask it.
“With regular explosions,” I narrate.
“Firecracks are an invention of the devil,” twitch Uncle Nichi for superstitious look.
“They are an invention of the Chinese,” I retard, “and that may be quite similar.”
“Most crimes can be traced to China,” say Nichi for racial prejudice.
“So July 4th will arrive presently,” I make known.
“How shall I know when it is came?” he ask to know.
“How can you miss it?” I bewail.
“Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of American patriotism,” begin Uncle Nichi, but I am able to delude him away for care-fare ride price 10c.
Mr. Editor, by most nearly genuine statistick $3,000,000 are burned off of America by each annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built 1 of them battleships what Congress feel too poor to vote. Six hundred persons is entirely killed by this yearly bang-up. Such a number would make a very nice crew for such a battleship. They might sail it & never enjoy death until old age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all Americans to avoid purchase of firework for 1 year & sent the money to Senator Hobson to buy such a patriotick boat? It might be painted of red colour to resemble firecrackers & would be a floating monument to all brave Americans who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest thought.
Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something with sweet voice! I can hear you said, “That Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; else why he make such a rail against July 4th, when all them firework what is burned for glory are of Japanese parentage?” Quite so truthful it are for you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky-racket, pinny-wheel, flower-pottery, nigger-chase & Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of Japanese parentage, but they was very temperate & well-behaving when made in Japan. It were when they began to be manufactured in New Jersey that they became boystrous, disappated & disorderly shoots.
By olden date of time it were custom for cash-wealthy Daimo what was feeling joyful about his ancestors to invite selection of persons to come his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, then Hon. Daimo would set afire one flower-pottery filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled with fiery blossoms to resemble botany.
“That are a lily-plant of firework,” say Hon. Daimo, “How you like?”
“O how sweet!” declaim all guests bumping forehead with hissy politeness. Then they drink tea & go home with calm medetations about great emperors & other famous politicians.
Japan do not make such blazes very muchly now days. She too busy with ordinary killing machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. When Japan have got to nail together 6 new Dreadnothings annually for all-time of future in order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors? But she do it slyly now & then.
And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when I see small kidly boys a-blowing off noises on them July 4 date. Memory of Concors & Lex. are worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out eyes for such a memory are wastefully unnecessary. Independance Day are a variety of intemperance, and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this? He-say, “Intemperance are a good thing when took moderately.” A very slight July 4th could not hurt anybody—not even a College Professor what often injure his fine brains a-thinking about Standard Oil & how get some.
Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of wood next July 4th and there enjoy lonesome picknick. Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me, followed by this poem, which are less complete still:
(To make a Chorus keep on singing it.)
Hoping you will not go away and leave your insurance in the office,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—Hon. Maxim Jr., child of Hon. Hi Maxim, explosion man, have invent a species of powder what explode silently. When this are used soldiers can talk during entire battles with out fear of interrupt. If Hon. Maxim Jr. can fill July 4 with this noiseless powder, won’t he be a greater benefatter to human races than Sir Ike Newton? I require no answer.
H. T.