San Francisco, July 9th.
To Editor New York Newspaper which have no Sporty Column and are careless about Which Lickt in Prize Fite exercises, yet are willing to report all Human Races.
Dearest Sir—Uncle Nichi recently-time make home-come with extra pink sporty edition of last week New York newspaper-print. He-say, “I buy it because it are a blush-colour to resemble Hon. Police Gazat, sweet family paper.”
On them sporty-page, Mr. Editor, was considerable chatter-talk about baseballing and other crimes left over from front page. There I learn-how one N. Y. gentleman of name McGraw have “discovered two new stars” and I are glad, because Astronomy are a nice knowledge to revere; but when I read “Hon. McGraw have broken a fresh Pitcher” I enjoy tense disgust. Why such excitement about a milkman which are nothing but a Swede born in Switzerland?
Sporty Editor of this paper make a very kind offer by large tipe. He-say,
“Eech reader of this Page what got a Question to ask it about Baseballing, please do so & we endeavor to reply if possibly can-do.”
So I am very grateful to him & send following Bally question about a Game I seen & got worried:
“Please, when Hon. Knock batt Hon. Ball with knock-stick till it make streek to sky & of finally lower itself followed by Second Basso & 3 Herders while Hon. Knock make running from Bass to Bass & Hon. Ball come more lowly and still lower till 2 Herders hold uply their hands for grabb & downd come Ball & aint caught because someone negleckt to (great rory-yall from bleached seats) so Hon. Knock he gallop-to Thirdly Bass while all struggly to grasp Ball which do a bounce with deceptive expression & Hon. Knock stob toe & fall paralell while running, so Hon. Catch get Ball & hasten with it to where it started from—how much would such a Play count for both sides?”
To-day I receive following reply:
“Your intelligent letter was read by our Puzzle Editor who is dangerously dead.”
Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble, have gone entirely mania on subjeck of Baseballing. He oftenly speaks of White Sox and Giants with voice, and many Japanese Boys supposes he is right. Of recently he come me with National League expression of teeth to say it.
“Togo, we are gathering up a Japanese baseball 9 for play with.”
“How many must be in such a 9?” I ask to know.
“About 15 are sufficiently numberous,” expose Yoni. “There must be 1 Catch, 1 Stopper, 3 Bassos, 1 Pitch—”
(“A Pitch in time saves a Nine,” I report for cute smart quotation.)
“Also 3 Knockers and 6 Herders.”
“What are duties for them Herders, if they got any?” is query I make.
“Herders is most skilful of all ballplays,” parade Yoni. “They must be able to play inside & outside of Grounds. They must be fearless fence-climbers & able to arrive over before Hon. Ball do. They must be reckless about colleckting Ball on 3d or 4th bounce when all others can’t do-so. Lots of teams loses entire games because they has not got enough of them Herders.”
“If you gather up such a Japanese team who would play with it?” I subsist.
“Some Christian team perhapsly,” corrode Yoni.
“Ah not to do!” I dib. “Christian teams is too busy bursting Sabbath among themselves to do baseballing with such a heathens like us.”
“What to do for a challenge?” submit poor Yoni Hashimoto with entirely daff expression.
So I go-see Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, & I say him,
“Who would be suitable team for play-ball with Japanese Schoolboy 9?”
“Old Soldiers Home might do so,” say he rolling beer-kag.
“Is them Old Soldiers athletick?” I require for answer.
“They are entirely cripples,” say Strunsky. “But they are still sufficiently brisk to run circles around such a Japanese 9 what you mention.”
“Are running in circles a necessary skill to do in baseballing?” is next question for me, but Hon. Strunsky no can answer because a U. S. soldier arrive filled with drunk & tell how he got a superior brain to most other Irish.
So I go tell this Yoni man about them Old Soldiers Home what Hon. Strunsky say might be sufficiently athletick. Yoni he go get talefone book and search up residence of such a Elderly home & he find one in Oakland. So sorry I no could go, but I must assist geraniums of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, queenly lady of 286 pound beauty. But Yoni with entirely yellow baseball 9 composed of 15 Japanese, depart off by noontime ferryboat. Following was on it:
Hon. Pitch—S. Wanda, Japanese socialist.
Hon. Catch—A. Kickahajama, missionary boy.
Hon. Stopper—Bunkio Saguchi.
Hon. 1st Basso—W. Furo, whose brother is still dead.
Hon. 2d Basso—Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble.
Hon. 3d Basso—Cousin Nogi.
Hon. 1st Knocker—Sydney Katsu, Jr., who suppose he can.
Hon. 2d Knocker—Y. Yakamoto, familiar haircut.
Hon. 3d Knocker—Frank the Japanned boot-polish.
6 Hon. Herders—F. Sago, R. Sanjuji, J. C. Shima, B. Ohara, B. Shimasuki, and a Japanese who call himself Charley Smith to get a job in bank.
Uncle Nichi, who do not understand sufficient baseballing to do so, were permitted to go long & keep score, also do what fanning was necessary.
By evening-time Cousin Nogi come back looking tired but entirely experienced.
“Who beat it in this game?” were first question for me.
“When you knows you will understand,” dignify Nogi. “Following were the Score:
| “Japanese Schoolboys | 48 |
| Old Soldiers Home | 103” |
“It must be very fine game to have such a large score,” I snaggle.
“We merely play 5 Inns,” say Nogi. “Them Elderly Vets was just beginning to get active when twilight arrived. If game was continued to finish them Hon. Score would of got several thousands extra.”
“Tell me entire story of the game,” I collapse patiently.
“It was in second Inn,” debat Nogi for Jack London expression. “Score were then 12 to minus in flavour of the Japanese. Hon. Pitch for Old Soldiers were Capt. Hirum Jones, oldly hero who lost right arm in battle of Shylock.”
“How can a hero be a baseball Pitch when he lost his arm?” are my earnest enquire.
“His left arm were still entirely there,” dib Nogi. “With this he make some very gentle throws. I am next to go batt. I stand uply with brave expression & when Hon. Ball come soring to me I make fierce knock. Ball go to heaven with loud report. (Maddy banzai from Uncle Nichi who was there to fan it.) I make 4 entire home-runnings before them Hon. Vets could find Ball which was roosting in a tree. Then I am put entirely out & Hon. Vets enjoy a Inn.”
Nogi make trajick puff with cigar.
“Hon. Jeremiah Willkins, a sweet soldier who lost 2 legs in Battle of Bully Run, next go batt. He were a very nice knocker, so when he hit ball for high sore he attempt to approach 2d Bass, but are deliciously slow, thank you, because of footlus condition. W. Furo grabb ball quickly & Hon. Umperor yall ‘Out, please!’ When Uncle Nichi hear this he cry for sorrow, ‘O! not to do! what brutal Umperor to put oldy man outside because he lost 2 legs!’ Intense sensations for all Japanese present. S. Wanda, Japanese socialist, approach Hon. Willkins with polite hat. ‘Hon. Sir,’ he say-so, ‘permit me for hellup you make home-run,’ So Wanda, assisted by Bunkio Saguchi & Sydney Katsu, Jr., give helluping aid to Hon. Willkins for 5 home-runs, when he say he are tired so he set down.
“After that,” say Nogi, “it were a very pleasant outing for them Hon. Vets. Eech Old Soldier what go batt are some kind of a delicious cripple & other hon. wounds, so we must also aid him to enjoy several home-runs.”
“How long this loving attention go on?” I ask to know.
“Bye-bye darkness fall & dinner-bell from Elderly Hero Establishment announce quit-time for all. So handclasp were enjoyed with 3-cheer ceremony & we go ferry-boat.”
“103 runs were a hard afternoon for such oldy mans,” I snuggest.
“It were a splandid lesson in politeness for all National Leagues,” corrugate Nogi.
“It were a splandid lesson in bookkeeping for Uncle Nichi who kept score,” was answer for Japanese Schoolboy.
Please print following rhythm for practice:
FANATICAL POEM ABOUT ICHI-BAN, AN ANTIQUE ROOT
Hoping you will,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.