San Francisco, July 12th.
Editor New York Newspaper which are responsible for everything.
Dear Sir—Noted Greek patriot, Erysipelas, were once offered job of Street Cleaning Department in Athens, Greece, which was then in a very insane state of dirt. Intimides, Mayor of Athens, offer him this job for a insult, because it was. How useless however!
“Ah!” commute them Erysipelas, “I will took such a publick jobs & show what a elegant muck-sweep I can do.”
So he done it by history.
Mr. Editor, some patriot of America should become like Hon. Erysipelas & be a Vice-President without doing a sulk. To be a Vice-President are like such a Street Cleansing job, only it are more hummbel. He are like a street-sweeper without a broom. He are not permitted to carry turkey-dusters or other dangerous fire-arms. He are placed in a very high seat & commanded to set there 4 years enjoying silences. Raking, brooming & dusting are a forbid. If he are caught trying to wipe cobwebs off of Senate with silk handkerchief he are given a upbraid. He enjoy very hopeless position—and yet he might do something for somebody some days. If he start young being a Vice-President might he not work up to good position by this? Might he not, by eventual time, get a job being 3d secretary to German Embassy or clerk in Subtreasury Dept?
I ask for anxiety.
I have just-but & recently become sad about Vice-Presidents. Formerly I imagined it were pretty nice kind of grandeur. Some weeks past-time I hear wildly news & go with run-step to saloon of Hon. Strunsky who thinks politically because he are Irish.
“Hon. Jim Sherman got it!” I collapse for excitement.
“Who in politicks are Jim Sherman?” require Hon. Strunsky.
“He are man what was nominate,” I snagger.
“Nominate for what?” crossly examine him.
“For Vice-President,” I rapture.
“O!” say Hon. Strunsky and continue to wipe beer from glass.
I enjoy falling of face.
“Are not Vice-Presidency almost a kingly job?” I ask to know.
“Almost,” degrade Strunsky with towel.
“What you mean by ‘almost’?” I research.
“By ‘almost’ I mean ‘nearly,’” irritate that Irish patriot. “When a thing are ‘almost good’ it are ‘nearly bad,’” he dib. “When I chase a ferryboat and almost catch it, that do not help me much about arriving to Oakland in time for German banquit. A Vice-Pres are a statesman what have nearly caught the Ship of State.”
“Situation of Vice-President were offered to many Favourite Sons,” I regret.
“It were refused by many Favourite Sons,” say Strunsky, “but it were accepted by a Political Orphan.”
So I leave that Strunsky enjoying feel of considerable depress near shoulder-blade. I have a slammed ideal. Such a useless to young mans studying bookkeeping & stenography of hope to become President some day! It are awfully well to make walk-up by stairway of Fame—but supposing for imagination that foot slipped? Ah then! Japanese Boy might get downdy tumble to be a Vice-President or some other equal crime.
Soonly I meet up with my Uncle Nichi, who are taking lessons in American cigar smoking from Cousin Nogi. My dear ¼ ancestor are permitted to discuss about Hon. William Jenny Bryan because of reverence for ancient history.
“Hon. Thos. Lawson of Mass. have offer $1,000,000 to Hon. Bryan to take it and be a Vice-President,” say-he for news.
“That price would be considerable circulation for The Commutor, Hon. Bryan’s newspaper,” I collide. “But could Hon. Bryan do so much for so little?”
“Honour of such office are beyond goldy riches,” dib Uncle who is a farmer.
“Honour of such office are beyond caring for,” I notify for editorial sneers.
“Was not Hon. Roosevelt once a Vice-President?” corrode that relationship of mine.
“Many poor boys has became famous,” I supine. “Hon. Lincoln once splitted rails, Hon. Gen. Grant once deliver kindling. Sometimes a Vice-President, by willing-work industry can lift self from mean & sordy surroundings which he is in to position of self-respect & desensy.”
“What are duties of Vice-Pres, if he got any?” project that oldy man.
“Following duties,” I say, “must be did by him to make everything pleasant, etc.:
1—He must be polite to superiors which is almost everybody around Washington. He will get great dissatisfaction if he ain’t.
2—He must have neat appearance, including brushed clothes & hair. He must not come down to work without a collar on his neck. Hon. Speaker of House can be very second-handed in appearance & can eat chew-tobacco before all; but Hon. Pres of Senate should be at least respectable.
3—He must go to work sharply by 8 o’clock each weekly day. Sunday evenings he can entertain quiet callers in his room.
4—He must address Cabinet Members by their full title, if they got it.
5—He must not be seen talking with friends in hallways or lobbies.
6—He must not swear or wear profane neckties.
7—He must be white-coloured American citizen entirely over 21 years age & must be able to write his name in plain business hand.
“Them is duties what a gentleman must do to be a nice Vice-Pres of these U. S.,” I announce it.
“Can not anybody do them jobs without enjoying a strain?” ask Uncle Nichi who is a bore.
“Anybody can do them for a short time,” I dib. “But man what can do them for 4 years without some serious side-steps must be a great hero to some extent.”
“Such a mans is considerably limited by law,” abstract-he.
“Either by law or by nature,” I notate for yawns.
(It shall be my duty to make some weep with eye when Uncle Nichi depart away for dear Japan; and yet I shall live beyond such sorrow.)
Mr. Editor, I have a sad mania about that Vice-President. All American school-books say: “Office of President are highest gift within power of people—office of Vice-President are next door to it.” Office-rent should be very high & stylish in such good neighbourhood.
What, then, is the matter with this office that so many respectable & wealthy statesmen refuses to move in? Are gas-pipes in bad condition? Do plumbing need attention to? Are Hon. janitor careless about hot & cold water? Or what?
When Hon. Real Estate man have a office what nobody will took he decorate it up with wall-paper, etc., to look rich. Pretty soonly somebody will be careless & take it. Are not U. S. Government splandid enough business man to repair Vice-President office so that it will not look so dubyus? I require no answer.
I am injured in nerve to see so many grand Americans regarding that To Let sign with eye-wink. Yet what-say following Statesmen about it?
Hon. Cannon say: “I shall be old with dignity.”
Hon. Fairbanks say: “I have tried it, thank you.”
Hon. Hughes say: “It are a hall-room.”
Hon. Haze Hammond say: “Too much salary for repairs.”
Hon. Nox say: “I can hide elsewheres.”
I am confused by such proud answers. To Sydney Katsu, Jr., I inquire: “I can not understand why persons refuses gifts what is offered to take free.”
“Sometimes it is done,” he reject coy.
“Presidency of U. S. are greatest gift of American people. Therefore it are like a barrel filled with diamonds. If I could not got such a jewlery should I not be gleeful to accept a barrel filled with gold?” is question for me.
“You might,” negotiate Sydney, “but you might have shyness about accepting such a barrel if it was filled with gold-bricks.”
Sydney are a very bright Japanese soon to go Harvard Colledge for learn more of it.
Here is a slight lullaby to be chanted to children when they are pained by tooth-cut and therefore anxious about their politickal futures:
ROCKAWAY CRADLE SONG
Mr. Editor, I notice something pathetick by all newspaper-prints. I notice how all say: “Hon. Roosevelt when he refuse to be a President 3 times made a act of noble renunciation.” But what they say about Hon. Fairbanks when he refuse to be a Vice-President 2 times? They say nothing! And yet were it not also a “noble act of renunciation” for that lofty statesman to refuse another run because he were afraid of becoming too powerful? Of sure it was! Hon. Fairbanks are a very Roman character by principals & by residence in Indiana. If Hon. Roosevelt can be noble, then Hon. Fairbanks can be noble also—and yet newspaper children do not make holler about it in streets. Hon. Fairbanks must feel pretty fine inside chest to think how he done a great deed & was a marter without nobody discovering or even suspecting it.
Hon. Washington say-so that a perpetual President would be a King. What would a perpetual Vice-President be then? Please answer by 2c stamp which I have forgotten to put in.
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.