San Francisco, August 26th.
To Editor New York newspaper which shoots out Truth like a soda fountain & serve it with very tasty flavours to all-kind of humans.
Dear Sir—I am bed-riding now, thank you, for illness of head. So sorry I go Fresno last week to seek-it where work was to be got among Hon. Grapes, but not for me. The weather had a temperament of 98° in shadow & pretty soonly I am discovered enjoying a sunstrike by dusty road. “Poor Japanese Boy!” collapse kind Mr. Jackson, who is a sweet philanthropy; so he ship me backwards to this dear San Francisco and donate me $10 weekly so long as I am sick.
On such a salary I shall be liesurely about getting well.
So here I are, Mr. Editor, once more again at Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging, where I receive all Japanese and American friends who will be polite guests & please not bring no more flours because my hon. bedroom become stuffy with such fragral smells. Candy & light sandwitches, howeverly, will be welcome day & night.
Cousin Nogi, Arthur Kickahajama, Uncle Nichi, Sydney Katsu Jr., Little Annie Anazuma & Frank the Japanned Bootpolish make walk-in to my room this morning to be a Tennis Cabinet for me. They bring golden thoughts, but nothing more expensive.
“In Idaho & Colorado where ladies is compelled to smoke cigarettes and act manly on election days,” say Cousin Nogi, “there Hon. Frank H. Hitchcock will get elected by a unamerous majority because of his beautiful eyes and hair.”
“He will be very popular in high schools, Vassars, etc., because of his sweet expression,” olicute little Annie.
“Will such a expressions make him popular among campaign contributions?” contribute Japanned Frank with steam-roller sniff.
My Hon. Friends then begin making talk all over my very sick bed with awful feverish debats until I groan from hot brows, because I got a sun-strike. Political conversation next turn to all-kinds tropickal subjecks. Cousin Nogi mention Hon. Revolution in Honaduras; Japanned Frank say-so that Hon. Cuba can’t never escape from Hon. Taft when he got it; Uncle Nichi enquire to know if Rep Party will continue to be useless about Philippine tobacco; and Little Annie Anazuma tell of paper-news she read about hon. yellow fever enjoyed by Hon. Dirt Digs of Panama Canal.
I put hand to my boiled skull & collapse with gasps.
“You are a loud noise,” I liquidate. “When you come to bedstead of a sunstruck person, why you all-time talk about politicks what are happening all over Hon. Equator?”
“Would some breezy topick of conversations be more pleasant for such a sun-strike?” enquire Uncle Nichi with farm-yard voice.
“Iced thoughts would be very nice for brain,” I dib with fan.
Then up say Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy who will be a heathen 2 weeks more before vacation is over,
“I have got just such a cold topicks,” he-say. “Hon. Adm. Peary, intemperate explorer on cold-weather boat Roosevelt, have started for Swartzburger, Sweden, in hopes that he will discovery an entirely iced Pole before it melts.”
“Thank you so much, Arthur Kickahajama,” I sigh-up for relief, “already I feel some pleasant chills in my vertebral.”
“In his kitty of supplies,” say Arthur, “Hon. Peary have took 750 blankets of red flannel complexion, 100 grizzly-skin pajamas, 60 Tiny Wonder gas-heaters, 7 tons axle-greeze to use as butter when starving & 20 doggy-sleys with limousine tops to keep off cold.”
“What are he going to North Pole for if he desire to keep off cold?” I enquire with sun-stroke gasps.
“I am confused about it,” say Arthur. “Hon. Peary perform a interview for N. Y. Journals before depart. ‘Are you afraid of a freeze?’ Hon. Reporter ask to know. ‘No, I are not,’ he reply for pride.”
“All Arctick explorers is entirely fearless about freezing in July,” report little Annie Anazuma, who are a bright for her nine-year age.
“If a good detective should discover this Pole what would he discover?” require Uncle Nichi, who is becoming educated in American telephones.
“He would discover considerable bad weather,” abrogate Nogi.
“Should a person go through such a pearil & danger to discover bad weather?” say Uncle who can enquire if nothing else.
“It are the pearil & danger what makes all them furry gentlemans so anxious to get it,” say Nogi. “If Hon. North Pole was in our back yard who would care to have it?”
“I should like some chunks for headache,” I negligè with pained eyebrows.
“Polar discovery are a nice sport for Investigators,” devote Frank.
“What would they investigate at North Pole?” require Nogi for scorn. “Is there some Grafts at North Pole? Have it got a Saloon Evil like Chicago, or a Labour Trouble like Idaho, or a Railroad Problemb like Illinois, or some Favourite Sons like Ohio, or a Musical Mayor like San Francisco, or some Senate Undesirables like Washington? If Hon. Pole ain’t got no Hon. Shames like them I mention it should be let alone. If it have got such a Grafts they must be nicely packed in ice where they will keep forever unless disturbed. Why should a refined N. Y. gentleman travel all-way to Latitude 0 for find some cold-storage graft when he can get it entire year round in Philadelphia?”
“We ask to know!” collapse my Japanese Friends in unicorn & leave me alonesome with my sick medicines.
Mr. Editor, as I continue enjoying sickness I got time to think about important topicks in an entirely fooly way. I think about all them American & English gentlemans what has seeked North Pole because they was not tame enough to enjoy game of golluf and bridge-card. How much more jollifying to go straggling for deathsome effort over dreer waists of ice with full heart and empty stummick—how much more pleasant this are than continually gollufing over the links with a retired cloak manufacturer what can’t talk about nothing else besides roomatism & Marie Corelli! When Hon. Arctick Explorer think of some persons he have left behind his awful solitude become entirely cozy.
Mr. Editor, what nationality of human races has not enjoyed hunting for Poles? Irish mans, Americans, Danes, Swedishes, all make rapid vi with each other for this sport. Hon. Russian police is also fond of hunting Poles, but them is usually of an entirely Jewish variety. Hon. Duke de Bruzzi were unable, thank you, to observe the Hon. Pole to discover it; but he recently discover America with a very matrimonial expression. Only human nationalities which does not care about dashes to North Pole is Hon. Niggers which is too lazy and Hon. Japanese which has got too much sense.
Hon. Walter Wellman of Chicago discover Hon. Pole in a airship. Hon. Magazines, Newspaper press, etc., all get delicious accounts about Hon. Wellman’s discovery long-time before it happen, which was fortunate because it never did. Great day of discovery arrive. “Are you ready, Hon. Wellman?” require Hon. Photographer with Chicago accent. “Of sure I are!” explode Hon. Wellman, who was without a daunt. “Then cut-it the string!” say-all, and Hon. Airship arise to duzzy hight of 18 feet where Hon. Wellman could see distinctly maglificant penorama of Arctick scenery with nice fotos of Alice Boreas all lit up, which he send to Chicago newsoffice with report, “I am sure Hon. North Pole are still over there.” Then his airship descend down with a bursted stummick.
Since then Hon. Wellman have turned from Baloons to Bryan. He-say for recent newspaper article: “Hon. Bryan will of sure get to White House by a short cut.” If Hon. Bryan start to White House by Hon. Wellman windship he might get there, but would he?
Mr. Editor, I have following poetick rapture because my head is sick:
Mr. Editor, I am aware why Hon. Peary boat are called the Roosevelt. It are because it are a hot thing in a cold climbate—also because it are a champion ice-burster. (At least smile at this, please, because it would sound delicious in Japanese.)
“They should not make groups around with scissors to cut away souvenirs from him”
Seriously thinking it, I shall not prevent that Hon. Peary from going to North Pole as oftenly as whimsical; and yet I peev with complaint because he do it on so small scales. He are a small dealer in Poles, therefore he should be crowded to wall by all rules of Interstate Commerce. Would it not be more better for civilization if Arctick Circle was organized into exploration Trust with $20,000,000 capital and several Senators? You bet your bootware such a Trust would get to Pole & build trolley to there in less time than it take to pass a Forest Reserve Bill. I am surprised that such a Trust has not thought of this already, for what-say Hon. Kipling? He-say: “Is seldom a law of man or God found North of 23.”
Such a climbate would be awfully ideel for a Trust.
Yet I am suspicious. If Hon. Wall Street are not interested in North Pole there must be deliciously little laying loose around there to steal.
For final thought, Hon. Sir, I suspect that considerable salt-drip of tears is waisted on them cool heroes of far North. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, tender & fat angel, say: “Poor mans, not to have fresh asparagus for months in & out!”
“Truly so,” I navigate, “but if they have no fresh asparagus, they also has no mosquitos.”
“Togo, should you like to be a Arctick Explorer you talk like?” she ask it.
“I should like to be ½ a Arctick Explorer,” I struggle. “If I was permitted to do so I should enjoy to be Hon. Peary during June, July, August & Sept. During Fall & Winter months I should be pleased to spread gospels among better warmed cannibels of South Seas.”
“Both are noble trades for a hero,” say-she for kind sentiment.
“It are pleasant to be useless during vacations,” I dib.
With love to Senator Lodge & other successful Eskimos,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.